Sacrificing One's Life

[dominicansoul]

Dear Vocation Stationers,

WE write so much on the topic of "vocation" and struggling to discover this in our lives...

Well, my most dearest friend, a single mother of 5 children has been struggling these last years of her life...

All of her children are growing up, and as they leave the house, it has become the custom (it seems) for every single one of them to abandon their Faith. This totally crushes my friend! She brought them to the Faith when she herself converted. They were always at Mass growing up, and they were heavily involved in parish activities.

Recently, my friend shared with me that she prayed to God, offering up her life for the conversion of her children...and Saturday, she found a lump in her breast. Now, when she shared this with me, I became very upset! Because this is a very delicate "vocation" and one should be counseled before doing such a thing...at least I think they should! I mean, does God really take seriously a person wanting to die for their conversion of loved ones? OR do you think God knows my friend's heart, and how she may not be strong enough to fulfill this desire? I'm just asking...what do you all think about this?

I am very worried. I don't want to see my friend suffer, much less die! I love her like my own flesh and blood sister. Her friendship has been a real gift to me. I myself have struggled in my own sadness since my own mother passed away 3 years ago. It's like she has been the one that brings me consolation and joy. We both have a great zeal for our Faith, and we can sit for hours just speaking about God. It is like we are of the same heart and mind in God, just like the Sisters I had in the convent. She even feels like she wants to consecrate herself totally to Jesus. She feels called. Perhaps this whole experience will be just the way she is consecrated to Jesus....

...I just feel like I would die if she died. I think I'm being selfish, but at the same time, I don't believe my friend was really in her right mind when she offered up her prayer...at least, she tried to console me later by saying as much...should I just mind my own business and stop thinking about this...or should I pray for her, that they won't find cancer, and that she won't die? But what if that is her ultimate "vocation" in life? Martyrdom...? I'm just at a loss about it all...

[Saint Therese]

This is over my head! You need to get a Scholar in on this.

[little_miss_late]

I will pray that God's will be done with regards to your friend and her family, for comfort for you and your friend in this situation, and for her children to honor her in all that they do.

It's been my experience that children (maybe, esp. children of single parents) have to "grow away" a bit when they first leave home, but I think also, as they see more of the world, they remember what was good about their upbringing and come back to it.

[AccountDeleted]

I don't know all the theology behind this kind of thing, but perhaps you could remind your friend that St Monica didn't have to die for her son St Augustine - she just spent her life in prayer for his conversion. I understand the motivation behind her prayer - most parents would gladly give up their lives for their children, but perhaps that are ways of giving up one's life that don't necessarily include death?

The Church today is in great need of holy and faithful Catholics, and your friend could spend her life praying for the conversion of her children, while also helping the mystical Body of Christ, which is under attack from so many different directions, including its own faithful. The Church could use more faithful like her - alive with us!

She is distraught right now - have her speak with a spiritual director and see just what is the best way to do God's will in all of this suffering and heartache. And you, pray for her - not for what YOU want, but for God's will to be done in all things. He knows what each one of us needs, and He is trying always to help us grow closer to Him in love. The Rosary is one of the most powerful and effective prayers there is - maybe the two of you could start praying it together every day to discern and know God's will in all of this - and to be able to accept it and embrace it.

Prayers for both of you - and for her children.

[MithLuin]

I recommend she [i]not[/i] share that prayer with her children. If it turns out she does have cancer, they may very well hold God responsible if things don't go well. I have to imagine she shared this with you because she was upset about it. Sharing it with a spiritual director would make sense, too.

The desire to be a martyr is admirable, but God doesn't always fulfill it. St. Francis tried his darndest to get killed off by Muslims, and it didn't happen. St. Ignatius intended to sail to the Holy Land and get himself and his companions killed. Instead, the Jesuits found a ministry in Italy.

And of course, many women who *don't* ask for it die of breast cancer. Like Bl. Zelie Martin, St. Therese's mom.

Please encourage her, and pray for her and her family. While it is not 'necessary' to involve a priest when making deals with God, it generally turns out better if you do. A spiritual director is likely to recognize despair insinuating itself into the seeming desire for martyrdom.

[cmaD2006]

There is an intrinsic value in her offering up her suffering for her children. That doesn't mean that she shouldn't go get treated ... but whatever it means for her (whether or not the lump is benign) this is something she can definitely unite with Christ's suffering on the cross.

Even Saints went to doctors to get treated, but they did offer whatever their suffering was to God.

Having said that, a good spiritual director is in order. It will help her deal with this situation as a whole.

[Gemma]

Her desire to suffer could have been preparatory grace--God preparing her to find the lump.

Consecration could be possible for her through the Oblate Sisters of Mary Magdalene.

Private vows are always possible through a spiritual director.

Blessings,
Gemma

[HisChild]

I agree with what Annie said about St. Monica. That was who I thought of immediately after reading your post. She offered her life and prayers up for her son. It took many years but in the end he came around. And what a turnaround that was!

There are many ways for one to offer up one's life for another. I've known religious who've entered religious life not only because of their own attraction but as an immolation for family members. One doesn't need to be a literal martyr to offer their life for another.

I also agree with MithLuin's post to not share her prayer with her children. That sounds like a tragedy just waiting to happen.

Now, to answer the possibility that she might have breast cancer. First of all, if it's caught quickly, a simple lumpectomy will do. Chemo and radiation is not always necessary depending on what they find.

It's so wonderful that you are such a caring friend. Of course, be there and support her and if possible, try to talk her into speaking with a priest about her thoughts.

I will keep you and her in prayer.

[organwerke]

Dominicansoul, I think that your friend's prayer for offering her life was wonderful..a thing that only mothers can do, in my opinion!
But, actually, I can't follow all your thoughts...
I think that it is normal that you are really worried for her, but we can't be sure that her health problem is the direct consquence of her prayer, and, anyway, it isn't our faculty to determine a person's health: we can do all the efforts for trating, we can pray...but the final events depend only on God.
Is maybe your friend considering not to be trated beacuse of her prayer?
I think it would be a madness: I think that as mother, she has not only the right, but also the duty to be treatd. I'm sure that every spiritual director would say the same thing!
I know a very wise spiritual thought that says that we have to act as all events would depend on us, but knowing that all depends on God!
I know that nowadays if a breast cancer is diagnosed in time, it almost always can be cured, especially in mature persons.
So it is very important that your friend doesn't hesitate to be trated.
And, about the prayer, your friend can the same offering her life to God saying: it will be done Your will.
Finally, I think that perhaps is right MithLuin about not sharing that prayer with her children, but, since I think they aren't babies anymore... they could be also positively shocked knowing how great is their mother's love towards them!

[Sister Rose Therese]

[quote name='organwerke' date='21 October 2009 - 05:57 AM' timestamp='1256119078' post='1988943']
Dominicansoul, I think that your friend's prayer for offering her life was wonderful..a thing that only mothers can do, in my opinion!
But, actually, I can't follow all your thoughts...
I think that it is normal that you are really worried for her, but we can't be sure that her health problem is the direct consquence of her prayer, and, anyway, it isn't our faculty to determine a person's health: we can do all the efforts for trating, we can pray...but the final events depend only on God.
Is maybe your friend considering not to be trated beacuse of her prayer?
I think it would be a madness: I think that as mother, she has not only the right, but also the duty to be treatd. I'm sure that every spiritual director would say the same thing!
I know a very wise spiritual thought that says that we have to act as all events would depend on us, but knowing that all depends on God!
I know that nowadays if a breast cancer is diagnosed in time, it almost always can be cured, especially in mature persons.
So it is very important that your friend doesn't hesitate to be trated.
And, about the prayer, your friend can the same offering her life to God saying: it will be done Your will.
Finally, I think that perhaps is right MithLuin about not sharing that prayer with her children, but, since I think they aren't babies anymore... they could be also positively shocked knowing how great is their mother's love towards them!
[/quote]

I think you have a point. God knows what He is doing and what sufferings and trials your friend can handle. He know's what is best for her and her children. However, that does not mean that your friend has no responsibility for her health. She still needs to take care of herself. I think she should go to the Doctor and do those other things one would normally do in that situation. Having an illness or even the fear of having an illness can be a great suffering to offer up. Having a lump doesn't necessarily mean that God is going to take her life. He may just be allowing her to suffer so that she can offer that for her children.
I also don't think she should tell her children that she prayed for this. But I do think she should tell her children, at some point, about her health.
You can have a lump in your breast without it being cancer. She really needs to have it checked out.

[Archaeology cat]

This reminded me of a story I'd heard, which just happens to be the "My Daily Eucharist" for today:
[quote]Just at the turn of the century, there was a woman married in Paris, just a good, ordinary Catholic girl to an athiest doctor, Dr. Felix LaSeur. He attempted to break down the faith of his wife who reacted by studying her faith. In 1905 she was taken ill and tossed on a bed of constant pain until August, 1914. When she was dying, she said to her husband, "Felix, when I am dead, you will become a Catholic and a Dominican priest."

"Elizabeth, you know my sentiments. I've sworn hatred of God, I shall live in the hatred and I shall die in it." She repeated her words and passed away.

Rummaging through her papers he found her will. "In 1905 I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul. On the day that I die, the price will have been paid. Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband."

Dr. LaSeur dismissed it as the fancies of a pious woman. He went to Lourdes to write a book against Our Lady, but as he looked up into the face of the statue, he received the great gift of faith. So total, so complete was it, that he never had to go through the process of juxtaposition and say, 'how will I answer this or that difficulty?' He saw it all. At once.

Summoned to Rome by Pope Benedict XV, Dr. LaSeur recounted his conversion and said he wanted to become a Dominican priest. At first, the Holy Father refused, and said he must stay in the world to repair the harm he had done. After speaking to Fr. Jon Vinnea who accompanied Dr. LaSeur, the Holy Father changed his mind.

Lent, 1924. I made my retreat in the Dominican monastery in Belgium, where four times each day, and 45 minutes each time I listened to Father Felix LaSeur, Catholic Dominican and priest, who told me this story.[/quote]

I will pray for her and her children, and for you.

[dominicansoul]

Thank you all for your posts. They have helped me tremendously. Cynthia had an initial breast examination on Tuesday. She has been very depressed. I saw her last nite, and she told me that the doctor didn't feel it was anything to be alarmed by. It moves, and it's probably just a cyst. She's scheduled for another more pronounced check up next week. She told me last nite that she couldn't find it, it is as if it has disappeared!

I greatly appreciate your continuing prayers for her, her children and for me as well. Thank you all!

As for her prayer, I have come to understand that God will take her at her word by what is in her heart. He knows what needs to be done, and He knows what her state of mind is at the present moment. I'm not going to worry anymore about that. She's in God's hands, and God's will be done.

[Luigi]

I will add your friend and her children to my prayer intentions. A couple of things to keep in mind:

1. When X happens and then Y happens, we often interpret it as cause and effect. This seems to be a natural human way of thinking. However, it's often just coincidence. In logic, this is considered a logical fallacy called "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc" (I think I've got that right, but I'm open to correction)- meaning, "After this, therefore because of this." It's the basis for some superstitions, too - I broke my mirror and then I had seven years' bad luck; breaking the mirror must have caused the bad luck. The upshot is, the lump may not be connected to your friend's willingness to sacrifice.

2. I met an old Irish Sister of Mercy once. When someone else - a mother - was complaining that her children had fallen away from the faith, Sister smiled almost angelically and said, "Ah, but they always come back." I don't have as much life experience as she did, so I don't really know if it's true (realistically, I doubt that it's always true), but it may be a comforting thought for your friend.