Don't Cry For Me Argentina

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Orans' date='31 August 2009 - 04:42 PM' timestamp='1251693771' post='1958723']
Dear Annie,

I’ve followed your inspiring Journey for a little over a year now. You have been very present in thought and prayer especially during this year. Several times I tried to contact you here in Phatmas but I stumbled always upon error messages which prevented it. I admire your courage not only for the steps of your Journey but also for posting your story when it is still happening and you are so vulnerable. Thank you for being such an example to all of us.

Let me share a little bit about my own Journey.

Thirty-two years ago today I made my First Profession in a cloistered contemplative and very traditional community. I was very young but had already gone through the ordeal of losing my cradle Catholic Faith in the University, searching for meaning in other Traditions and Faiths without success, falling into despair, and finally with God’s Grace finding a NEW Faith within my own Catholic Church.

It took me FOUR two-year noviciates, THREE first professions, and 8 years of temporary profession in two countries and three Communities to end up being told I was not going to be allowed to make perpetual vows in the religious community I finally had found that I could call HOME.

And yet none of those decisions were mistaken. Years later I realized that all of that search and apparent failure had been the personal training I needed ... God is faithful and knows what is doing. The fact that we don’t know the map of our Journey doesn’t change that God knows it and is always present in our present moment with Grace and Light -even if it is so bright that blinds us.

After all that meandering I had the immense blessing of a good spiritual director to help me overcome the abyss I seemed to face. Again I didn’t give up even though I had to start from scratch, now in still a new country, without money or work or medical or anything .... but trust in God, and PRAYER. One more 5-year noviciate later, I made public temporary profession as a hermitess and currently I’m preparing for perpetual profession.

I would not want to have missed the train of my Journey in any of the many stations of the way –I was tempted to do so, believe me. I am profoundly GRATEFUL to God who gave me perseverance, and ultimately the Risen Lord’s gift of Peace beyond understanding.

I pray for you at this time very especially. But I can only tell you, REJOICE!!!! Nothing is lost! Every day lived in religious life is a great GRACE, you know that. Maybe you needed to find the perfect community in order to give up your personal dream and MOVE ON into God’s dream for you. God still has a plan for you. Everything that went before was necessary, but TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life, which is –now even more than ever- anchored in God, and God alone.

Give yourself TIME to process all that has happened in your life in the last 15 months. Find a spiritual director –or go back to a good one you may have had- and be sure that the Lord is with you NOW. The future is nothing more than a succession of present moments, if we live the present moment faithfully there is no way that we will fail or miss the train.

With deep affection and continuos prayer, your fellow journeyer and sister in Christ,
Orans
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Thank you for sharing all that with me. I think you went through much more than I have because you have actually taken vows and then had to leave. The thing that hurts so much is that I didn't want to leave. The first two Carmels, I knew that I didn't belong there, so it hurt, but I think I didn't feel rejected. This time I felt as if I were doing everything so right, and it all seemed to be God's will for me... so I guess it feels a little like being rejected by God, although I know in my heart and logical mind that this is definitely not true. His love is so great that He will allow things to happen that hurt us, all for the good of our soul. I know this without any doubts, but still, the kernel of injured pride and self-love still causes pain. That's why I appreciate all your prayers so much - to help me deal with my demons of doubt and despair that I know are lurking just somewhere out of reach. This is a testing time for me, to enable me to grow in faith and confidence and complete trust in God's love, I know this, but it still hurts....

Thank you are for your love. Pray pray pray, please, that I may know His will and accept it and surrender to it. Thank you.

Edited September 1, 2009 by nunsense

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='InHisLove726' date='01 September 2009 - 04:30 PM' timestamp='1251779417' post='1959304']
I am so sorry I did not respond sooner. I have been trying to keep my internet use to the bare minimum, so I have been on Phatmass very little except as a lurker.

Annie, you have such trust in the Lord. To be honest, I was in disbelief that you had returned because I was so sure that you had found the place you could call home. It was a lesson for me, because we never know what the Lord has in store for us. We may think we know, but we do not. I'm so sorry that Mother Prioress felt it best you should leave. It sounds like the situation was handled tactfully, however, but I don't think you would have had less heartache anyhow. I grieve for your situation. You are a like a wanderer without a place to call home at the moment. God has placed you in the desert to remind you of how much He suffered when people turned Him away and He felt misunderstood. Now you are more understanding of what He went through, and you can console Him better. I do not doubt that this happened without good reason. I think you must have learned at least one important lesson during your 4 months there and your trust and faith grew stronger.

May you rejoice in the mystery of the birth of Our Lord in Bethlehem in the poorest of places and the knowledge that He is holding you so close right now.

"The greatest of Kings had no place to lay His head."

[img]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5VkZnxOa_3Q/SNtygptIvfI/AAAAAAAAAh4/Fnh69-IOhvQ/s400/jesus-desert.jpg[/img]
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Thank you so much. I had to write a reply just to tell you that I love your signature quote. "Christ, so foolish in His love, has driven me madly in love."--St. Teresa of the Andes

I am madly in love with Our Lord too, and I just love it when I read quotes like this! Thank you.

[kavalamyself]

Glad to have you back.

[MissyP89]

Oh, Annie...I'm not even discerning the religious life, yet I've come to have such a profound respect for your resilience.

I don't know how much it will help to hear this, considering you could be my biological mother and my call is to marriage, but look at all you've done and seen and been through! It's so beautiful, the things that He's shown you.

Try to embrace it. All of these twists and turns in the road have taught you a lot, I'm sure, and made you a lot stronger and maybe wiser along the way. God is still behind all of those things. He's seasoning you! Wherever you go, whatever you end up doing, your experiences now will have prepared you to handle it. For that, God is good.

Lots of love to you. Maybe when things settle down a bit, I'll drop you a message. =)

~Melissa

[AccountDeleted]

You are all so sweet to me! Thank you MissyP89 for that lovely post, and to all of you for the words of encouragement and support.

Well, it has been just two weeks tomorrow since I left Kirk Edge, and finally the clouds have lifted from my heart. There is absolutely no reason for it - I am still unemployed and living in a motel (and I even had to move to a cheaper one today), and still don't know what the future holds for me, and I am still missing Kirk Edge, but it's ok. God is very kind.

Some of the advice I have had is to maintain a regular prayer life, and this has really helped me. I have been praying the Office, and meditating just as if I were still in Carmel, and today I was fortunate enough to get to two Masses! I went into the city and found an old church and spent time praying the Office and then the rosary, but Mass wasn't for another two hours, so I went to visit a larger church, the oldest Catholic church in Melbourne, because they have Exposition during the day, but when I got there, Mass was just starting. I couldn't receive Communion because I had eaten recently, but I stayed for Mass, and the homily was so good! Afterwards, I headed back to the first church and attended Mass there and this homily was also good, and the best thing was that by this time, I was able to receive Communion. Then I stayed for meditation afterwards, and felt such peace when I finally left.

This evening, after I prayed Vespers (in my new motel room), I spent another hour in meditation. So the whole day was really very focused on God, despite having to change accommodation. There probably won't be this much time every day to hang about churches, but until I get a job, there is no reason why I shouldn't maintain a monastic prayer schedule as much as possible. It just makes everything seem to have the right perspective.

I have also come to the conclusion that it's ok that I had to leave Kirk Edge, even though it has been very painful. I love Kirk Edge and pray for vocations for them all the time, but God has His own ideas and plans, and we all know that joke "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." I have no idea why this happened, or why any of the things that have happened so far in my discernment have happened, but as long as God knows, that's ok with me.

I am still a religious in my heart, but for now my consecration is an interior one only. That's ok though, God knows the state of my heart.

Thank you all for being there for me.

[Orans]

This sounds like Grace at work, Nunsense. What a great blessing! and also a confirmation of God's active presence with you and in you.
Praying for you [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/pray.gif[/img]... with a grateful heart

[Indwelling Trinity]

Dear Annie:

I give you a great big hug! Yes God is in your midst; so deeply that you may not even perceive it at times.

I to have been in your identical situation as have many others. That does not make the journey any less difficult. You may find yourself alternating between times of peace and times of deep pain. It is all OK for God is not only in the journey, He IS the journey! Time is our friend and not our enemy so relax in the Lord and allow yourself to heal and gather new strength for the journey just as Elijah had to rest and be fed by the angel so he could make the journey to Horeb and God's Holy Mountain!

This truly is a part of our desire to be transformed into the image and likeness of Christ. It is the paschal mystery lived. It is the reality of the true Carmelite who chooses to live on the other side of the cross with her spouse.

I found myself in despair when i first lost Carmel. With the grace of God and with the help of others like those on this list I was finally able to get up dust myself off and continue the journey. I have come almost full circle now only to find that everything i have learned over the years have only served to make me able to do what God is now calling me to in religious life. Nothing is wasted in the economy of God and truth be told if I had to do it all again for love of Him i would. Believe me that is not an easy statement to make.

I know also that if I should die this day, i would have no regret but only place any imperfection in my own response in the mercy of God's love knowing I am always loved and cherished by Him.

May you be always blessed in your love for Him alone, have ears to hear His voice in the murmuring of a gentle breeze, the strength and greatness of soul to always be zealous for the Lord God of Hosts, the fortitude to never look back until finally you and he are but one completely united in Love!

I pray That the Mother of ALL Carmelites big or small may always shelter you under the mantle of her protection!

My prayers for you always my dear sister.

Tenderly,

Indwelling Trinity

Edited September 8, 2009 by Indwelling Trinity

[Thomist-in-Training]

A Hail Mary for you
Tomorrow I have to get up REALLY early for work, so I'll try to remember you whenever I have an "offer it up" moment!

Affectionately,
Thomist

[AccountDeleted]

You all make me smile a lot - thanks.

Well, right now I have what I hope is a simple cold. with all of the scare about the swine flu, I am praying that it isn't something like that! I have only been in Australia two weeks, and before that I was in Manchester airport and then Dubai airport, so let's just hope I didn't bring anything into the country with me! In both Sheffield and Melbourne, they are not offering the chalice, and they are asking everyone to receive in the hand, because of the dangers of contamination - I don't know how it is in other parts of the world?

I did get a really sweet email from a Carmelite Monastery that I contacted, asking about a pattern for their habit, and the Prioress said they would be glad to help me, and also to pray for whatever it is that God is asking me to do. I am simply taking one step at a time, so we will see where God wants me to end up. I have this idea about something along the lines of Fr Groeshel's Franciscans of the Renewal, but for Carmelites - but that might just be a fantasy, so I am not attached to it.

I do know that one of the reasons I was in so much pain, was because of all my injured self-love and my hurt pride. This seems to have died down a bit, now that I am focusing more on Him and less on me, so maybe God is also purifying me in this whole process -- isn't He wonderful

[Archaeology cat]

nunsense, sounds like you have the swine flu measures that we do in Liverpool. Fortunately the monks allow me to receive on the tongue, because I usually have my hands full with my toddler.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' date='09 September 2009 - 10:27 PM' timestamp='1252492058' post='1963770']
nunsense, sounds like you have the swine flu measures that we do in Liverpool. Fortunately the monks allow me to receive on the tongue, because I usually have my hands full with my toddler.
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Hey Liverpool! You are getting St Therese's relics aren't you? She is going to be in Kirk Edge in October but I think she arrives in England sometimes soon, doesn't she, and I thought I heard she was going to be in Liverpool as well? Say a prayer for me if you get to go visit her!

Edited September 9, 2009 by nunsense

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='nunsense' date='09 September 2009 - 11:52 AM' timestamp='1252493522' post='1963773']
Hey Liverpool! You are getting St Therese's relics aren't you? She is going to be in Kirk Edge in October but I think she arrives in England sometimes soon, doesn't she, and I thought I heard she was going to be in Liverpool as well? Say a prayer for me if you get to go visit her!
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Yep - her relics arrive 24 September, just for 24 hours. I'm hoping we can go, and I'll certainly pray for you there if I do go.