Finding Peace Again

[InHisLove726]

Lately, I've been on a discernment roller coaster. Back and forth, making impulsive decisions and not sticking to any one community. I'll be the first to admit that the problems that have arisen have been because I did not take the time to really discern and allow God to guide me to where He wanted me to be.

I came into the game very young and immature--not only in age, but in the Catholic faith. That was only 19 months ago, which is a very short time. Only 14 months into my discernment, I was already applying to a community--the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus, and was adamant that this was THE place after one visit. Instead of listening to family and friends tell me that I was jumping in WAY too fast, I decided that they were wrong and I was most certainly right. They didn't know what I felt or experienced did they? I filled out the entrance application with gusto and got ready to enter, even though a decision by the community had not been made! With carelessness, I put my life on hold because I had filled out the application....

Then, came the part where I jumped in to working in the group home, even though I was very unsure of it. My gut was telling me this was not going to work out, but I didn't listen. My mom even said, "Are you sure you know what you are getting into?" I didn't, but I said I did. BIG mistake!

But, though I had to leave very early (3 days after arriving), I am sure that Divine Intervention took place. I can understand why God allowed it to happen. "Ole' Iron Head" (me ) couldn't look at the big picture and understand that this was just not right. But I didn't learn the lesson right away... Oh, no! It took 2 more months before that happened. My heart knew it, but my head didn't. It wasn't until I started truly praying about my vocation before I understood the big bang on the head to wake me up from God.

It's the one thing I've known since January 2008 and but I've run away from time after time after time. It first started with me watching "Therese" for the very first time and just sensing nothing but peace and joy at witnessing her life in the cloister. Everything, from the penances she performed to the habit she wore, was like cool water for my parched soul, and I drank it up. I read "Story of a Soul" and just fell in love! Not only with the "Little Flower" but with the life she spoke of in such poetic words--the life of a cloistered Carmelite. This is the same life that I ran away from with my tail between my legs because I was so selfish as to think, "Well, I could never do that because I would miss my family too much!"

It was in a dream that St. Therese, who is my patron and best friend, showed me what I was running away from. I asked her to give me a rose if God was still calling me to Carmel, and I had a dream about a week ago where I saw her smile at me and hold out a rose. She then showed me what I looked like in the same habit she wore, and I had the biggest smile on my face! I just looked so happy in that holy garment of Our Lady! It's what I've believed all along but couldn't face--the intense prayer, sacrifices, penances, and UTTER JOY that a Carmelite experiences everyday. I was basically telling God, "Ok, you are calling me to the hidden life of Carmel but I don't believe I can do it, so I'm going to do it MY way." What a mistake! Instead of trusting God, I began to trust that I knew what was best for me. My own selfish ego got in the way and I became prideful.

After St. Therese intervened and showed me the way of a true Carmelite, I am opening my heart to what God has called me to all along--the life of a contemplative Carmelite. Laudem's posts on her experience in Carmel have been most edifying. I understand that I cannot do this on my own and I must put God first and foremost in my discernment, trusting completely that He will show me the way in His time. No more rushing, I promise. And if I stray off the Carmelite path, I trust that He will give me a bop on the head to wake me up to reality and set me back on the path He has chosen for me.

I do need your prayers! I still have a great deal of maturing to do. Also, I am back in discernment with the community I originally started out with--the Carmel of the Most Holy Trinity in Arlington, TX.

[url="http://www.carmelnuns.com/"]http://www.carmelnuns.com/[/url]

I have sent a letter to Mother to ask permission for a visit later this year. We have been in contact off and on and she has been most patient and understanding with me. She already extended an invitation for a visit about 8 months ago, but I turned it down since I was unemployed. Now I am praying for God to provide a way as He has done before. If not, then I will just have to continue to be patient.

Thanks for listening and for your continued prayers. You all will always be in mine.

Edited July 27, 2009 by InHisLove726

[tnavarro61]

Hi! I am praying for you always, everyday! Thank God you found your peace again. We learn a lot from our mistakes. Me too had mistakes which I am very ashamed of! And Laudem's post is very touching. I agree with you.

For me you are so blessed. See, you are able to discern with communities, unlike me. You are so blessed that some communities know that you are discerning.I cannot make formal discernments now, because I am still in college. i have nowhere to run. I can find no one to talk to, to inspire me in this journey. None. None.. I've been to the novitiate of the LASallian brothers yesterday and it's a very wonderful community. I felt I have no vocation since I do not fit to a wonderful community. I feel I'll spoil everything! So you are so blessed to have communities keeping in touch with you.

I am in a point of my life where I want to leave evrything for the Lord, but I can't. Many say I must leave evrything later. When is the right time? I want it now, but the world and the word "failure" says no. It's hard.

Know that you are very blessed.

[WisdomSeeker]

I have realised that I have been trying to run away from what God wants me to do. Only now am I ready to say 'Your will O Lord, not mine' but that dosen't mean I am still not scared

I hold you in my prayers and thoughts my dear sister in Christ

Edited July 27, 2009 by WisdomSeeker

[Gemma]

First and foremost, apply her Little Way to your own life. The Spirit likes to talk to us in the midst of our Daily Duty.

A majority of young cloister discerners can take up to 7 years to find their "True Home". It takes spiritual maturity to enter, and working on one's faults while out in the world is how you achieve it. A good SD will help with this.

The Holy Ghost works on attraction--just keep that in mind. And don't forget about the Carmels who need vocations!

Blessings,
Gemma

[DameAgnes]

In His Love, if you're not praying the Divine Office every day, maybe you should. There is a lot of peace, direction and guidance in the psalms. Might be really good for you.

[url="http://www.passionistnuns.org/blog/?p=139"]http://www.passionistnuns.org/blog/?p=139[/url]

There are online LOTH's (here is one in audio) [url="http://divineoffice.org/"]http://divineoffice.org/[/url]

and there is

[url="http://www.universalis.com/today.htm"]http://www.universalis.com/today.htm[/url]

And there is this: [url="http://www.breviary.net/"]http://www.breviary.net/[/url]

Myself, I can't pray the office staring at a computer screen, but it might be useful for others.

[Gemma]

Thanks for the links, DA.

Our canonist told me that the LOTH is a good SD in the absence of a human SD.

Blessings,
Gemma

[Thomist-in-Training]

[quote name='Gemma' post='1933233' date='Jul 27 2009, 04:02 PM']Thanks for the links, DA.

Our canonist told me that the LOTH is a good SD in the absence of a human SD.

Blessings,
Gemma[/quote]

Reading Father Faber's [i]The Foot of the Cross[/i] served that purpose for me at one time.

[deusluxmea]

It sounds like you're on the right path. I truly believe in following one's peace. I think on the Nashville Dominican website, a nun is quoted as saying "In His Will Is Our Peace".

My peace ended up being a 5"6 New Yorker who married silly old me. The peacefulness is how I knew!

Arlington Carmel looks beautiful! Have you looked at the Terra Haute Carmelites, too?

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='deusluxmea' post='1933287' date='Jul 27 2009, 05:56 PM']It sounds like you're on the right path. I truly believe in following one's peace. I think on the Nashville Dominican website, a nun is quoted as saying "In His Will Is Our Peace".

My peace ended up being a 5"6 New Yorker who married silly old me. The peacefulness is how I knew!

Arlington Carmel looks beautiful! Have you looked at the Terra Haute Carmelites, too?[/quote]


Yes. I corresponded with Sr. Mary Helen of the Terre Haute Carmelites several months ago when I was looking at all the Carmelite websites. Theirs is especially beautiful with the music and the pictures. It's funny you should mention them, though, because I looked at their website again today. I get little email announcements when they have updated their website, and thought I'd take another look. I may get back in touch with them, but we'll see.

[Gemma]

[quote name='InHisLove726' post='1933323' date='Jul 27 2009, 07:52 PM']Yes. I corresponded with Sr. Mary Helen of the Terre Haute Carmelites several months ago when I was looking at all the Carmelite websites. Theirs is especially beautiful with the music and the pictures. It's funny you should mention them, though, because I looked at their website again today. I get little email announcements when they have updated their website, and thought I'd take another look. I may get back in touch with them, but we'll see. [/quote]

If you contact them again, tell Sr Martha of Jesus I said hello. She's from my hometown of Bardstown, KY.

Blessings,
Gemma

[Gemma]

[quote name='Thomist-in-Training' post='1933271' date='Jul 27 2009, 06:27 PM']Reading Father Faber's [i]The Foot of the Cross[/i] served that purpose for me at one time.[/quote]

Our Cloisterite Hermits have had Bethlehem, Foot of the Cross, and now Precious Blood as part of their formation since we started in November. One of our hermits says Fr Faber cannot be read quickly, and that a couple of sentences can be "chewed on" all day.

Blessings,
Gemma

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Gemma' post='1933331' date='Jul 27 2009, 06:59 PM']If you contact them again, tell Sr Martha of Jesus I said hello. She's from my hometown of Bardstown, KY.

Blessings,
Gemma[/quote]

I will. God bless.