Changing Spiritual Directors

[InHisLove726]

Has anyone changed spiritual directors? I have one currently that is a priest and I've had him since December 2008. I am not happy with him. He's a good priest but is not good with the spiritual direction. Whenever I ask his opinion on something, he just repeats back what I say and doesn't really help. I've asked him to be a little more challenging if possible and it hasn't worked. I can tell he doesn't really know that much about spiritual direction and has never received training. I hate to say goodbye to him, but I really need to find another one.

Unfortunately, I don't have any Carmelite nuns around my area, but I do have the Sister Servants of the Home of the Mother that someone recommended I ask. They have Carmelite spirituality and I have met them before. I was thinking about asking one of them to do spiritual direction when they return to their convent next month (I think they're in Spain for the summer).

For those who changed SDs, what did you tell your previous one? Did you speak to them in person or call them over the phone? Or did you send a letter? I want to do this in a charitable manner but also tactfully. My SD has written me reference letters when I've needed it, so he's really helped me out. I also really like him as a priest. He gives excellent homilies (hence why I asked him in the first place) and is very orthodox.

Any advice is welcome.

[Gemma]

[quote name='InHisLove726' post='1929369' date='Jul 23 2009, 11:12 AM']Has anyone changed spiritual directors? I have one currently that is a priest and I've had him since December 2008. I am not happy with him. He's a good priest but is not good with the spiritual direction. Whenever I ask his opinion on something, he just repeats back what I say and doesn't really help. I've asked him to be a little more challenging if possible and it hasn't worked. I can tell he doesn't really know that much about spiritual direction and has never received training. I hate to say goodbye to him, but I really need to find another one.

Unfortunately, I don't have any Carmelite nuns around my area, but I do have the Sister Servants of the Home of the Mother that someone recommended I ask. They have Carmelite spirituality and I have met them before. I was thinking about asking one of them to do spiritual direction when they return to their convent next month (I think they're in Spain for the summer).

For those who changed SDs, what did you tell your previous one? Did you speak to them in person or call them over the phone? Or did you send a letter? I want to do this in a charitable manner but also tactfully. My SD has written me reference letters when I've needed it, so he's really helped me out. I also really like him as a priest. He gives excellent homilies (hence why I asked him in the first place) and is very orthodox.

Any advice is welcome. [/quote]

It's always difficult to say good-bye, but making "I" statements might help you get going. "I feel," "I think," "I am attracted to" Then making the statement that you're open to discussion if he wants to talk--then state charitably what the deficits of the relationship are. Then you'd maintain the "I" statements. Ask the Holy Ghost--He's always happy to help.

My SD is from NYC, and says nothing hurts him. He says people have tried to hurt him, but left in tears because he was so resilient. He said he was "very hands off" when it came to SD, and asked what kind of SD I'd had in the past. He was concerned about what I was reading at the present moment, and how lectio was going.

I always suggest to discerners who are between SDs to follow the JOY method--Jesus, Others, Yourself. What are you doing for Jesus and your relationship with Him; What are you doing in your relationships with others; are you giving to charity as per your means; are you being Christ's hands and feet to others; what are you doing to take care of yourself--spiritually, mentally, physically?

Blessings,
Gemma

[Noemi]

Well...
My situ is a bit different but maybe a help.
(at the moment I am also searching for a confessor)

When I was a child my confessor was the parishpriest. But I didn't really like to confess...
Then - as the parishpries was away - I just went into the confessorseat (or howtosay) and found a friar I know and he confessed me in a really different way that the parishpriest! And then... I loved confessing my sins! Because I realised that I confess to God, not to the priest! He is very generous and... Canadian, so he speaks the Hungarian a bit differently... He was the first person to who I told my vocation... (as he is my "brother" - he is the member of the order that - maybe - I'll enter). Sometimes he confessed me in the monastery in the little chapel... we turned our face to the Lord!(Eucharist)
But he was transferred to Rome this year (in January) and I'm still looking for a confessor. There we don't really "ask" the priest to be my confessor... we just know it.

Pray for a new confessor, I think.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Gemma' post='1929395' date='Jul 23 2009, 10:51 AM']It's always difficult to say good-bye, but making "I" statements might help you get going. "I feel," "I think," "I am attracted to" Then making the statement that you're open to discussion if he wants to talk--then state charitably what the deficits of the relationship are. Then you'd maintain the "I" statements. Ask the Holy Ghost--He's always happy to help.

My SD is from NYC, and says nothing hurts him. He says people have tried to hurt him, but left in tears because he was so resilient. He said he was "very hands off" when it came to SD, and asked what kind of SD I'd had in the past. He was concerned about what I was reading at the present moment, and how lectio was going.

I always suggest to discerners who are between SDs to follow the JOY method--Jesus, Others, Yourself. What are you doing for Jesus and your relationship with Him; What are you doing in your relationships with others; are you giving to charity as per your means; are you being Christ's hands and feet to others; what are you doing to take care of yourself--spiritually, mentally, physically?

Blessings,
Gemma[/quote]

That is really good advice. Thank you. It's really going to be difficult to tell him, but for the sake of my vocation, I need to find another SD that is more challenging. I have a tendency to second-guess myself and I need someone who is willing to put me in my place. My current one is not willing to do that. He's too gentle for me.

I actually canceled our appointment that was scheduled for today because I don't feel like I'm learning anything from our talking. I told him, though, that I would call him back when I was able. I'll call him next week.

[quote name='Noemi' post='1929398' date='Jul 23 2009, 10:54 AM']Well...
My situ is a bit different but maybe a help.
(at the moment I am also searching for a confessor)

When I was a child my confessor was the parishpriest. But I didn't really like to confess...
Then - as the parishpries was away - I just went into the confessorseat (or howtosay) and found a friar I know and he confessed me in a really different way that the parishpriest! And then... I loved confessing my sins! Because I realised that I confess to God, not to the priest! He is very generous and... Canadian, so he speaks the Hungarian a bit differently... He was the first person to who I told my vocation... (as he is my "brother" - he is the member of the order that - maybe - I'll enter). Sometimes he confessed me in the monastery in the little chapel... we turned our face to the Lord!(Eucharist)
But he was transferred to Rome this year (in January) and I'm still looking for a confessor. There we don't really "ask" the priest to be my confessor... we just know it.

Pray for a new confessor, I think.[/quote]

My current SD has been doubling as my confessor, which is another of his strong points. He is a great priest AND confessor. He is at the parish that I attended until my reversion to the Church and I started going where my mom is going. My old parish is close to my house and I go there for Confession every two weeks, so I know I'll see him again.

[CatherineM]

Thank them for their help. Say that you are ready to make the next step in your discernment, and that means seeking a nun with Carmelite spirituality. Ask for his prayers for your continuing discernment.

Priests all have different spiritual gifts, just like the rest of us, and spiritual direction just might not be one of his, just don't tell him that.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1929452' date='Jul 23 2009, 12:11 PM']Thank them for their help. Say that you are ready to make the next step in your discernment, and that means seeking a nun with Carmelite spirituality. Ask for his prayers for your continuing discernment.

Priests all have different spiritual gifts, just like the rest of us, and spiritual direction just might not be one of his, just don't tell him that.[/quote]

Should I meet him in person for this? Or could I just send a "thank you" card? I'm not quite sure I want to go into an appointment because he's been very busy lately and hard to get a hold of since the other priest there (there's only 2) is on medical leave.

Thanks for your help!

[tinytherese]

Could you just briefly talk to him right after mass? Priests tend to shake hands with parishioners as they walk about of the church. I've talked with my parish priest that way before. Or the next time you go to confession with him you can bring it up. It might be nice if you gave him a token of thanks for helping you like a holy card, rosary, etc. with a personal thank you card.

[CatherineM]

I'm the kind to hand write notes. Just the way I was raised. I wouldn't do it by email or voice mail. You could just not make another appointment. Treat it like you would changing doctors or dentists. I think it kind of depends on the relationship you've had with him, and how long you've been seeing him. A couple of months is different than a couple of years.

[InHisLove726]

I really do think it would be best if I did write a hand-written "thank you" note. I wonder if I could find a rosary with St. John Vianney on it? Hmmm.... I think I really would like to get him something useful for helping me. I'll have to search eBay.

As far as meeting him after Mass, the old parish has perpetual adoration so, during the week, he goes directly from Mass to the chapel (behind the altar) and begins exposition. It takes a while, too.

On the weekends, I don't go there. I go to my new parish because I am an EMHC there.

I think I'll just write him a "thank you" note and send him a little gift of thanks.

Thank you for the suggestions!!

[InHisLove726]

I'm planning to ask the Sister Servants of the Home of the Mother (SHM) if one of them can provide spiritual direction at least once a month. They return to their convent here around August 2nd. Please pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me.

[cmaD2006]

[quote name='Noemi' post='1929398' date='Jul 23 2009, 11:54 AM']Well...
My situ is a bit different but maybe a help.
(at the moment I am also searching for a confessor)

When I was a child my confessor was the parishpriest. But I didn't really like to confess...
Then - as the parishpries was away - I just went into the confessorseat (or howtosay) and found a friar I know and he confessed me in a really different way that the parishpriest! And then... I loved confessing my sins! Because I realised that I confess to God, not to the priest! He is very generous and... Canadian, so he speaks the Hungarian a bit differently... He was the first person to who I told my vocation... (as he is my "brother" - he is the member of the order that - maybe - I'll enter). Sometimes he confessed me in the monastery in the little chapel... we turned our face to the Lord!(Eucharist)
But he was transferred to Rome this year (in January) and I'm still looking for a confessor. There we don't really "ask" the priest to be my confessor... we just know it.

Pray for a new confessor, I think.[/quote]

Actually .... a confessor and a Spiritual Director are two different things; although they can be the same person (which is a good thing if they are).

A confessor is just that -- the priest who hears your confession. It is a good thing when you consistently go to confession with the same priest ... the confessor gets to know you and can better guide you with respect to correcting your sins in confession.

However a Spiritual Director covers everything spiritual (areas of sinfulness, discernment, etc) ... and I think it is a good thing to keep the two situations clear; confession is one thing, spiritual direction is another.

I have a priest who is both my spiritual director and confessor ... and I make appointments with him for spiritual direction. If something comes up during that time that needs confession then I'll go ahead and ask to enter the sacrament of confession (or he'll ask). I'll also go to confession as needed.

I also find it convienient that my confessor and my s.d. are the same person ... I don't have to explain myself twice (ex: something that comes up during confession may have to be repeated during spiritual direction in order for it to be properly addressed).

Hope this helps.

And as to the original question -- pray for God to lead you to a new spiritual director. Recently I thought I needed to change spiritual directors; I attempted to do so and it didn't seem to work out. Then when I finally made an appointment with my original s.d. God made it obvious that I needed to stick with him.

[Theologian in Training]

First things first, a spiritual director is exactly that, a director of your spirit, if he is not able to help you to discern the Will of God in your life and how God is working in your life, then you have an obligation to find someone new. When anyone asks me, personally, for spiritual direction, that is the first thing I tell them, so they feel at ease and comfortable if they feel they must leave. I first ask them if they have prayed about it, then I ask them if they feel as though God is calling them to me (God picks them, we don't, despite what we think) then I tell them the most important thing, if I accept, I tell them if, at anytime, they feel as though it is no longer working, that they have grown more, or that they need someone or something different, for them not to feel bad. I am not doing this for myself, and so I won't be offended or hurt.

The other thing, while spiritual direction and confession used to be a separate thing and many encourage it in that way, I am not entirely sure I agree. Having someone who not only comes to me for direction but confession helps, because the two are intimately intertwined. Sin and the spiritual life go hand in hand, growth in the spirit comes from rooting out sin, and sin impedes that growth. In the cases where there is a persistent sin, it helps with direction and confession. So, while many encourage your confessor and director to be two different people, I am not entirely sold on the idea. Granted, if your director is unable to hear confession, if they are not a priest, well, then, in that case, it makes sense.

Just my .02

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Theologian in Training' post='1932381' date='Jul 26 2009, 10:22 AM']First things first, a spiritual director is exactly that, a director of your spirit, if he is not able to help you to discern the Will of God in your life and how God is working in your life, then you have an obligation to find someone new. When anyone asks me, personally, for spiritual direction, that is the first thing I tell them, so they feel at ease and comfortable if they feel they must leave. I first ask them if they have prayed about it, then I ask them if they feel as though God is calling them to me (God picks them, we don't, despite what we think) then I tell them the most important thing, if I accept, I tell them if, at anytime, they feel as though it is no longer working, that they have grown more, or that they need someone or something different, for them not to feel bad. I am not doing this for myself, and so I won't be offended or hurt.

The other thing, while spiritual direction and confession used to be a separate thing and many encourage it in that way, I am not entirely sure I agree. Having someone who not only comes to me for direction but confession helps, because the two are intimately intertwined. Sin and the spiritual life go hand in hand, growth in the spirit comes from rooting out sin, and sin impedes that growth. In the cases where there is a persistent sin, it helps with direction and confession. So, while many encourage your confessor and director to be two different people, I am not entirely sold on the idea. Granted, if your director is unable to hear confession, if they are not a priest, well, then, in that case, it makes sense.

Just my .02[/quote]

Thank you for that advice. I pray that my current spiritual director feels the same way. He's a good man, so I know he won't be offended. I pray that he will understand that he was a big step in my discernment and now God is asking me to find someone new and who understands the Carmelite spirituality a little more.