I Am Feeling Crushed.

[tinytherese]

A great battle is going on within me. I don't have an eating disorder, do drugs, or anything like that. I just don't feel like I measure up and that Jesus doesn't care anymore.

Coming home to a seriously narcissistic dad that has caused my family and I a great deal of pain is part of the problem. He enjoys cutting us down and his treatment of me has led me to feel dehumanized at times. Mom has talked to me multiple times about him saying that she has been trying to change him for years and that he just won't so I just have to accept it. I know that I have to forgive him and all (which I need help with,) but we shouldn't have to put up with his garbage. I don't want to hate my dad. I pray for his conversion and for his guardian angel to bring about change in him. One of my friends has an absolutely horrible family life to the point where my problems with my dad look like nothing compared to the problems that she has gone through and another one of my friends says that I should be thankful that my dad doesn't beat me.

Three years of a dark night of the soul is very difficult as well. Deep down I know that Jesus really does care about what I am going through, but to my mere human senses and inclinations He doesn't.

I don't want to become pessimistic about my life or the state of the world or the Church, yet I don't want to become so optimistic that I ignore reality. I don't want to be prideful, yet in the quest I recently seem to be having such a fear of being prideful that I could be overcome with silence when I should be finding my voice and using it whether it will be misunderstood or not. Yet I don't want to become an elist when doing this. I don't want to fall into heresy again like I did years ago. Even the best intentions can go amuck, but I don't want to fall in defeat and give up my hopes and dreams. I've felt scrupolosity multiple times before but not like this. My spirit didn't feel nearly as crushed.
The devil seems to especially enjoy messing with my mind and trying to get me to second guess myself on practically everything.