Cloister Worries Dissolving

[InHisLove726]

How many of us who find ourselves called to the cloister run away from it at some point? I know I have. At the beginning of my discernment, I felt a call to become cloistered, but I have turned away from it several times. Some part of me was worried that I wouldn't make it because of my depression, but my former psychiatric nurse practitioner, who I met with yesterday, told me that I should look into the cloister. She believes I would do very well there. At one point, not too long ago, she offered to write me a letter of health if I needed it.

I've been off my medication for 10 months now and doing pretty well. I met with my nurse yesterday (she's an ARNP) just for a check-up to make sure I was fine, and then I am supposed to see her again in November. I'm taking baby steps towards the cloister, not rushing anything. I don't know when God will call me, but I know I have a future in the enclosure.

Most of the worries that came along were:

1) How can I give up nursing? Isn't my nursing aide certification going to go to waste?
2) What about my family? I'll be too homesick!
3) I'll miss my freedom too much!
----amongst others...

I have dismissed these fears as being rather prideful. My nursing experience will come in handy in the cloister infirmary, if they need me. My family will learn to accept my absence, and they can still visit me. My freedom is not more important than God. I want to become His servant above all.

I had a pleasant dream about 2 months ago, right before I went off to East Chicago to visit the Carmelites and work there. It was not about the Carmelites, surprisingly, but the Visitandines. I imagined myself wearing the habit and just smiling and doing the work of God amongst my Sisters. I dismissed it then, but I remembered it, and now I think it might be prophetic in some ways. There's only one way to find out and that's through prayer and going on retreats with some Visitation nuns.

I've been basically "practicing" what it would be like to live in cloister and I've stayed very close to home some days and washed dishes (and cleaned the house) and just enjoyed the silence. I'm starting to appreciate not being employed, although I am still actively looking for a job, just because I am able to become closer to God through this time. I can feel my heart is expanding, and I can only expect that it will expand even more in a community where all the Sisters are there for the same reason--to love and serve God.

I thank God for giving me this glimpse of enclosed life, and now I fully embrace it. The last test is to visit a cloister and see if it's what God has truly planned for my vocation. I trust Him completely. I've been to Adoration and I feel truly peaceful with whatever He has planned. I know that the only way I will be truly happy and free is to accept His will.

Please pray for me. I'm trying to save up my money to test my vocation at the Mobile, AL Visitation. God bless!

Edited July 15, 2009 by InHisLove726

[Lilllabettt]

Prayers.

I'm glad you're taking baby steps. One thing I would suggest is taking baby steps mentally too. What I mean is, sometimes it seems to me, from what I read, that you've made up you're mind that you're certain about where you're going to end up.

I don't know if it's here or at another board, but I know I've read posts you've made where you said you "knew" you had a vocation to the cloister ... then to Carmel. And then it was the Franciscans, I think? And now you seem to be leaning more towards the Visitation ... In this post you said:

[quote]I don't know when God will call me, but I know I have a future in the enclosure.[/quote]

Well ... I don't think that's exactly true, that you "know." Not to the point that its merely a question of when, not if.

In many ways we don't "know" if we have a religious vocation, period, until after final vows. Even then, we don't know "for sure, for sure" until we've persevered to the end. I knew a Sister who left her community a few years ago ... she was 83!

In any case, I don't think its a wise thing to believe. I speak from experience; when I said to myself: "I'm absolutely sure this is what God wants," I forgot how frail and limited human understanding can be. And then it was really confusing and hurtful when things turned out differently.

[InHisLove726]

Forgive me, but I am still young in discerning, so I don't quite know the appropriate steps. It's been a difficult road, and there are times in my discernment when I thought I knew what God wanted, but I've been wrong before. I'd like to change what I wrote from:

[quote]I don't know when God will call me, but I know I have a future in the enclosure.[/quote]

to:

[i]I don't truly know if God is calling me here, but it's a possibility.[/i]

Lilllabettt, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I am still growing and maturing in many ways. Sometimes, I say I know things when I don't. I've got a lot of maturing to do, yet.

Even though I don't "know" completely, and may never know, I am certain that in all things, I want to serve God. That is the only thing I am completely sure of.

God bless you.

Edited July 15, 2009 by InHisLove726

[puellapaschalis]

Oh, being cloistered and enclosed....hehehe.

I think I have a personality which is never going to be able to look at the "outside" and [i]never[/i] have a pang of "Ooooh, it'd be nice to travel to $country/province/city/etc again." I first flew intercontinentally when I was five and have lived (and paid taxes, which has to count for SOMETHING, drat it) in three different countries. And yet this is the personality that God appears intent on papally enclosing for the rest of her life.

If we didn't already that God was benevolent (albeit with a weird sense of humour), I'd be saying He was downright cruel and sadistic (with a b****y sick and twisted sense of humour).

What's been helping me recently is the thought that by getting my big butt out of the way (fsvo "the way"), He can open channels of grace for the people I "leave behind". It's a self-sacrifice. And it's meant to be hard.

For me at least, these worries just aren't going to "dissolve". I hope and pray that in time it will become less of a distraction. At the moment, however, it's one massive, massive cross that I do not want to carry. Please pray for me.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='puellapaschalis' post='1920796' date='Jul 15 2009, 04:50 PM']Oh, being cloistered and enclosed....hehehe.

I think I have a personality which is never going to be able to look at the "outside" and [i]never[/i] have a pang of "Ooooh, it'd be nice to travel to $country/province/city/etc again." I first flew intercontinentally when I was five and have lived (and paid taxes, which has to count for SOMETHING, drat it) in three different countries. And yet this is the personality that God appears intent on papally enclosing for the rest of her life.

If we didn't already that God was benevolent (albeit with a weird sense of humour), I'd be saying He was downright cruel and sadistic (with a b****y sick and twisted sense of humour).

What's been helping me recently is the thought that by getting my big butt out of the way (fsvo "the way"), He can open channels of grace for the people I "leave behind". It's a self-sacrifice. And it's meant to be hard.

For me at least, these worries just aren't going to "dissolve". I hope and pray that in time it will become less of a distraction. At the moment, however, it's one massive, massive cross that I do not want to carry. Please pray for me.[/quote]

Puella, it's wonderful to see you posting again. I've missed your posts!

I know what you mean, though. I can definitely relate. How is it that God wants to close us up when we have a great desire to travel and see the world? For me, Ireland was always inspiring, and I still haven't had the chance to go. I would love to see South Africa, Australia, Italy and France. But, I'd be willing to give all this up to become a nun. It's going to be difficult, but I can't keep putting it off. That'd be like putting off the most wonderful marriage to travel. I think if I did that, I'd be incredibly selfish.

I will pray for you. I have only been discerning for a year and a half, so the worries are still fresh, but I doubt they will be as much of a hindrance as they were for me before. If He truly wants us enclosed, I absolutely trust He will give us the graces to achieve His will.

God be with you, puella.

[DameAgnes]

I wouldn't worry about using your nursing gifts or wasting them in a cloister. Monasteries DO have infirmaries and sisters DO care for each other's health. An abbess will use your gifts as appropriate for the good of the community. But you might also be challenged to do more.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='DameAgnes' post='1920966' date='Jul 15 2009, 07:00 PM']I wouldn't worry about using your nursing gifts or wasting them in a cloister. Monasteries DO have infirmaries and sisters DO care for each other's health. An abbess will use your gifts as appropriate for the good of the community. But you might also be challenged to do more.[/quote]

That's one thing that was addressed earliest in my discernment. I was writing Reverend Mother Maria at the Carmel of the Holy Trinity out in Arlington, TX and the Carmelites in Hudson, WI and both told me that they could use my nursing experience for the infirmaries (especially Hudson since it is an older group). This was about August 2008 when I first started my training. It's really not a big deal if it's not used. It's good to have something to fall back on if the whole discernment thing eventually doesn't work out.

I'd be cheerful just doing chores like sweeping, dusting, sewing vestments, etc. St. Therese did these things, and I really adore that life. You get a lot of prayer done during these things, AND you are offering your work for Him.

[Maria_Faustina]

I was also worried about not being able to use some of my "talents" once in the cloister (which will be soon, God willing! And it will officially be my job to pray for you guys, however much I can offer!). Of course, it does always turn out to be selfish concerns, but that is natural, I think...after all, God gave us those abilities. Which, of course, is exactly why we really shouldn't focus on those seemingly unavoidable sacrifices. In "A Right to be Merry", Mother Mary Francis writes about her "little sacrifice" she made to Jesus before entering--she offered to Him all the poems she would never be able to write. And then look what happened! He still needed her willingness to sacrifice, though. To just do the sweeping and dusting and such. Which is beautiful. Oh St. Therese <3. I know when I was last at the Poor Clares, Reverend Mother Abbess was delighted each time she found out about some little ability of mine. "Oh, you play the flute! You work at a florist--you could make a wonderful sacristan! Oh, poetry! Would you mind sharing some of your work with us? We love poetry." It was surprising, but very good. I stopped worrying (about this topic, at least) after that. Trust!

Asking your prayers and offering mine,
Pax Christi

[Saint Therese]

The costs of religious life, especially cloistered life, are high, very high. But the rewards are a "hundred fold". God will not be outdone in generosity.

[WisdomSeeker]

I hold you in my thoughts and prayers my friend as you continue your discernment.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Saint Therese' post='1921430' date='Jul 16 2009, 02:31 AM']The costs of religious life, especially cloistered life, are high, very high. But the rewards are a "hundred fold". God will not be outdone in generosity.[/quote]

That reminds me of a quote from St. Therese of Lisieux:

[quote]In the smallest things as well as the greatest, God gives the hundredfold in this life to those souls who leave everything for love of him.[/quote]

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Maria_Faustina' post='1921311' date='Jul 16 2009, 12:24 AM']I was also worried about not being able to use some of my "talents" once in the cloister (which will be soon, God willing! And it will officially be my job to pray for you guys, however much I can offer!). Of course, it does always turn out to be selfish concerns, but that is natural, I think...after all, God gave us those abilities. Which, of course, is exactly why we really shouldn't focus on those seemingly unavoidable sacrifices. In "A Right to be Merry", Mother Mary Francis writes about her "little sacrifice" she made to Jesus before entering--she offered to Him all the poems she would never be able to write. And then look what happened! He still needed her willingness to sacrifice, though. To just do the sweeping and dusting and such. Which is beautiful. Oh St. Therese <3. I know when I was last at the Poor Clares, Reverend Mother Abbess was delighted each time she found out about some little ability of mine. "Oh, you play the flute! You work at a florist--you could make a wonderful sacristan! Oh, poetry! Would you mind sharing some of your work with us? We love poetry." It was surprising, but very good. I stopped worrying (about this topic, at least) after that. Trust!

Asking your prayers and offering mine,
Pax Christi[/quote]

I'm so excited for you! It's truly amazing how God works to help us find ways to use the talents He blessed us with.


[quote name='WisdomSeeker' post='1921460' date='Jul 16 2009, 03:32 AM']I hold you in my thoughts and prayers my friend as you continue your discernment.[/quote]

Thank you very much. You'll be in mine too.

[SponsaChristi]

[quote name='InHisLove726' post='1920936' date='Jul 16 2009, 01:43 AM']If He truly wants us enclosed, I absolutely trust He will give us the graces to achieve His will.[/quote]
This is well said! It´s so true!
So you yourself should just trust Him and His guidance and not try to plan where you want to end...

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='SponsaChristi' post='1921473' date='Jul 16 2009, 06:14 AM']This is well said! It´s so true!
So you yourself should just trust Him and His guidance and not try to plan where you want to end... [/quote]


You know what they say, the heart and mind aren't always in unison. My heart knows it's important to wait and take the steps with Jesus, not before Him. My mind is excited, and wants to begin now. Sometimes I think, "Slow down, mind! Remember what you promised Him? 'I will not take a step 'til I feel you leading me.'"

I'll be patient.

[agnes88]

I am glad to hear that your cloister worries are dissolving.


I still have cloister worries.