Defending Myself

["Kyrie eleison"]

Rachael,

I have a friend whose father used to physically abuse her in the worst way. Her mom would do everything she could to help her but then her mom would get hit in the attempt to defend my friend. She once got in the way and her arm was broke.

Her father was beaten as a child. The beatings got worse as she got older as she would defend herself, and this mad him madder. When she turned 18 she got the heck out of dodge. If there is a way to get out of this environment I believe you should. I understand that you have to depend on them but just the same you should not have to live in fear. There may come a day that he may really harm you or you may have to do something drastic to him defend yourself. There is only so much abuse you can take until something snaps and the worst happens. My love and prayers go out to you as I know the pain you must feel in your heart and soul.

[CatherineM]

If the biggest barrier is your meds, have you tried calling the local battered women's shelter? They have resources for that kind of thing. Your aren't the only person who has to stay in an abusive situation because of a medical condition.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='rachael' post='1909710' date='Jul 3 2009, 07:49 PM']I would love to! But as with everything else...it's never that simple.... I know it sounds like I am making excuses...[/quote]
I don't know what that's like, so it's not fair for me to say. Do you get pms? Why aren't you on my chat list anymore? I'm going to email you in a little bit. Look for it.

[quote name='rachael' post='1909710' date='Jul 3 2009, 07:49 PM']I thought it was yummy.... [/quote]
Me too. But it's not so much better than a regular burger that I'd pass up someplace like San Fran or NY to eat them.

[princessgianna]

darling, your relatives are obviously ignorant either by choice or chance.
However you can't control what they think and their "reasonings". You do not and SHOULD NOT take this behavior of a "way of life".

While taking secret ninja lessons at night is sadly not a reality do what you can do.[b] Insist [/b]whether it be word of mouth or actions as you fight back- insist I plead again that you are to be treated with dignity of that any human person is entitled to.

God Bless you. You are in my prayers.

Gianna~

[IcePrincessKRS]

[quote name='rachael' post='1909710' date='Jul 3 2009, 09:49 PM']Well, after many years of dealing with him, I've become reallllly good at defending myself. People are surprised at my strength, I just really wanted to know if y'all thought it was OK to defend myself because people kept on telling me otherwise.[/quote]

I don't think it's wrong. When it's verbal walking away might be better than fighting back (arguing never worked with my father, just made him angrier), but when he physically hits you there is no way you should just stand there and take it. Hit back and get the heck away from him asap.

[MIKolbe]

let's talk.

[Faith 1st]

I agree with IcePrincess.... Hit back and run.

I know that you said that you depend on them for $ and meds... but there are other ways to get that. There are services that you could apply for. If your a student then you are in a good position that services would not be that hard to get.

Or you could always call the police. That might send your parents a strong message that you are done taking the abuse from him. It is a really hard chose that only you will have to make.

Prays to you

[Norseman82]

The first thing you need to do is make sure your dad does not monitor your computer usage or what websites you visit, as abusers are typically control freaks who, if they find out you are seeking help, will cut off your contact or confiscate anything you may have acquired to help yourself.

[quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. I wouldn't accept this from them.[/quote]

That's part of the problem - if your dad was abused, then the relatrives were probably abused, too, and so were brainwashed into thinking that it is a normal part of life. Thus, the cycle continues.

I agree with Hughey and CatherineM - you need to get some outside intervention. I would take CatherineM's advice first and visit a battered women's shelter, who could probably help you with an escape plan and - maybe - help with medication.

But part of the problem, I suspect, is that you still have some fear paralysis that is making you afraid to leave, even though you have shown you can overcome it enough to to defend yourself. Unfortunately, it probably will take a traumatic and, I fear, life threatening event that will finally send your adrenaline into overdrive and take action.

I could post some other self-defense tips once I know your visits to this website are secure and private.

Another thing I remember is that you posted that you suffered epileptic seizures. Did the onset of your seizures coincide with the beginning of the abuse?

[kafka]

good post norsemen. If these keep on getting worse Rache the very least you could do is come up with some provisional plan with the help of outside intervention.

[rachael]

[quote name='Norseman82' post='1910079' date='Jul 4 2009, 12:01 AM']The first thing you need to do is make sure your dad does not monitor your computer usage or what websites you visit, as abusers are typically control freaks who, if they find out you are seeking help, will cut off your contact or confiscate anything you may have acquired to help yourself.



That's part of the problem - if your dad was abused, then the relatrives were probably abused, too, and so were brainwashed into thinking that it is a normal part of life. Thus, the cycle continues.

I agree with Hughey and CatherineM - you need to get some outside intervention. I would take CatherineM's advice first and visit a battered women's shelter, who could probably help you with an escape plan and - maybe - help with medication.

But part of the problem, I suspect, is that you still have some fear paralysis that is making you afraid to leave, even though you have shown you can overcome it enough to to defend yourself. Unfortunately, it probably will take a traumatic and, I fear, life threatening event that will finally send your adrenaline into overdrive and take action.

I could post some other self-defense tips once I know your visits to this website are secure and private.

Another thing I remember is that you posted that you suffered epileptic seizures. Did the onset of your seizures coincide with the beginning of the abuse?[/quote]
My parents have no clue that I visit this site, and I am certainly not monitored. There is much more than fear that is holding me back, and I am not so willing to post about it. The seizures started many years after the abuse started, so I doubt they are related.

Edited July 4, 2009 by rachael

[eagle_eye222001]

[quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']...

The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. ...[/quote]

That's a bunch of buffalo scat.


[quote]I am at a loss as to what to do when he starts to do such things to me. Should I continue defending myself? Or should I back down? My mother insists that is usually my fault that such incidents start, but 99% of the time they aren't.

Sorry for such a heavy topic, y'all. [/quote]

That's a bunch of more buffalo scat.

Sorry to hear you don't have good family support and advice.

Continue defending yourself. There is no excuse to continue to subject yourself to this. If anything, by letting it go, you are harming yourself seriously for the future.

Even if these arguments are your fault, that is NO justification for what is being done to you.

I don't know what to really say except you can't let this continue. If you can't get out for the moment, you have every right to defend yourself. When issues happen in families, sometimes family members will do everything to pretend everything is fine. I've seen it happen.

Couple things you need to do.

1. Defend yourself.

2. Find counseling of some sort or at least talk to someone you can trust. When issues like this happen, it's important to work through them, and talking it through can help a lot. Your doing good for starters by bringing this thread up as it will help you deal with this serious issue psychologically.

3. Do not bury this. Burying serious issues like this will only come back haunt you later in life.



You'll be in my prayers.

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[rachael]

Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='rachael' post='1910562' date='Jul 4 2009, 07:48 AM']Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.[/quote]
+J.M.J.+

of course

[Starets]

Certainly I will, sweetheart. Given the difference in our ages and genders I don't think it would be appropriate for me to share details, but I have gone through similar things

[Norseman82]

[quote name='rachael' post='1910562' date='Jul 4 2009, 09:48 AM']Can everyone pray that I am able to find a job away from here? Thanks.[/quote]

Consider it done.

In the meantime, here are a few tips:

1) Don't be alone with your father. Have witnesses that can testify that you were on your best behavior and he initiated everything. I may have missed this among your past posts, but do you have any other brothers/sisters living at home? Also, is alcohol/drugs involved? Staying away when he is inebriated may help reduce the chance he may "go off on you".

2) Document everything - including times, dates, witnesses, etc. You may need it someday either in court or intervention or if you simply challenge other family members who refuse to believe you. If you find you need to do so in writing, do so in a code or foreign language that you know but your parents don't.

3) Please also note that abusers tend to move on to another target when the current target is no longer available for abuse. Please be aware of this in case you have younger brothers/sisters still living at home.

4) Hide some money for emergency purposes.

5) I could give you some other physical defense tips, but please be aware these could hurt him greatly or escalate the situation that you may have no other choice to call the police.