rachael Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 (edited) So of the Pmers who know me best know a little bit about my family history. While I have dropped hints in the past, yesterday I let a little bit more out. [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s=&showtopic=95668&view=findpost&p=1908085"]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s...t&p=1908085[/url] Now, I do not enjoy being home, but I find that I may be here for a bit while I am struggling to get out on my own. When my father first began doing such abusive things to me, I did not fight back. Then, as I began to grow up into a teenager, I fought against him with all my might. Physically and otherwise. He and I do not get along at all. I will leave for months at a time to school, and I won't hear from him until I am home again, but that is besides the point. The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. I wouldn't accept this from them. I am at a loss as to what to do when he starts to do such things to me. Should I continue defending myself? Or should I back down? My mother insists that is usually my fault that such incidents start, but 99% of the time they aren't. Sorry for such a heavy topic, y'all. Edited July 3, 2009 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeniteAdoremus Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Even if you started it, he shouldn't be beating you. Period. The verbal stuff is a bit more difficult. Since he's the parent, he [i]ought[/i] to be the grown-up, but as you and I and too many others here know, it doesn't always work that way. If you can manage, just let him yell. If you can't - hold on to your own boundaries. Unfortunately no-one else is going to do it for you. I'd like to give those relatives a spoonful of Clue. Sounds like they could use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don John of Austria Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 [quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']So of the Pmers who know me best know a little bit about my family history. While I have dropped hints in the past, yesterday I let a little bit more out. [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s=&showtopic=95668&view=findpost&p=1908085"]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s...t&p=1908085[/url] Now, I do not enjoy being home, but I find that I may be here for a bit while I am struggling to get out on my own. When my father first began doing such abusive things to me, I did not fight back. Then, as I began to grow up into a teenager, I fought against him with all my might. Physically and otherwise. He and I do not get along at all. I will leave for months at a time to school, and I won't hear from him until I am home again, but that is besides the point. The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. I wouldn't accept this from them. I am at a loss as to what to do when he starts to do such things to me. Should I continue defending myself? Or should I back down? My mother insists that is usually my fault that such incidents start, but 99% of the time they aren't. Sorry for such a heavy topic, y'all. [/quote] You are 22years old. Don't go home. It is that simple, just stay away. Go visit a friend or something. do not put yourself in a situation where you have to fight your father. Do you have no friends or family who will stand up for you to him? Where do you live? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenchild17 Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 [quote]Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this.[/quote] Even if this were true, that doesn't make it acceptable. Inappropriate actions are not justified by how common they might be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kafka Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 (edited) you have every right to protect yourself, although I dont know have this is applied to your situation. Another idea is to leave the house when you sense he is about to beat you. Runaway to a friends house or maybe take a drive until he cools down (if he does?) prayers. Edited July 3, 2009 by kafka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted July 3, 2009 Author Share Posted July 3, 2009 (edited) [quote name='VeniteAdoremus' post='1909526' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:14 PM']Even if you started it, he shouldn't be beating you. Period. The verbal stuff is a bit more difficult. Since he's the parent, he [i]ought[/i] to be the grown-up, but as you and I and too many others here know, it doesn't always work that way. If you can manage, just let him yell. If you can't - hold on to your own boundaries. Unfortunately no-one else is going to do it for you. I'd like to give those relatives a spoonful of Clue. Sounds like they could use it.[/quote] I would LOVE to tell those relatives what it's really like, but they think what he's doing is OK. Luckily for me, I've got an old family friend who is on my side, so if I truly ever need to get out, I can. Unfortunately, she lives in Texas. [quote name='Don John of Austria' post='1909559' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:21 PM']You are 22years old. Don't go home. It is that simple, just stay away. Go visit a friend or something. do not put yourself in a situation where you have to fight your father. Do you have no friends or family who will stand up for you to him? Where do you live?[/quote] It's not that easy to [i]not [/i]go home. I am relying on them for expenses, especially for my medication. That's where it gets sticky, otherwise I would have been out a long time ago. I don't have a car because of said medical issues. Bah. And my friends are all still in school or struggling as well. It's simply not a feasible thing to do. I am trying to get a job that has health benefits and such, but the economy is certainly not my friend right now. [quote name='goldenchild17' post='1909562' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:22 PM']Even if this were true, that doesn't make it acceptable. Inappropriate actions are not justified by how common they might be.[/quote] I know... [quote name='kafka' post='1909566' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:23 PM']you have every right to protect yourself, although I dont know have this is applied to your situation. Another idea is to leave the house when you sense he is about to beat you. Runaway to a friends house or maybe take a drive until he cools down (if he does?) prayers.[/quote] I used to take 3 or 4 mile walks when he would try to do something or when my temper would rise against his. He is the only person that my temper gets that bad against. At one point I was taking 3 walks a day....maybe I'll start up again? Edited July 3, 2009 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Call the police. When he leaves marks, go to the ER. I love you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 [quote name='rachael' post='1909614' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:47 PM']I would LOVE to tell those relatives what it's really like, but they think what he's doing is OK. Luckily for me, I've got an old family friend who is on my side, so if I truly ever need to get out, I can. Unfortunately, she lives in Texas. [/quote] Oh... and Texas aint that bad. (Forget that I was [i]just[/i] talking about how much I really don't like Dallas...) Hello! Ostrich burgers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hassan Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 [quote name='rachael' post='1909481' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:53 PM']So of the Pmers who know me best know a little bit about my family history. While I have dropped hints in the past, yesterday I let a little bit more out. [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s=&showtopic=95668&view=findpost&p=1908085"]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?s...t&p=1908085[/url] Now, I do not enjoy being home, but I find that I may be here for a bit while I am struggling to get out on my own. When my father first began doing such abusive things to me, I did not fight back. Then, as I began to grow up into a teenager, I fought against him with all my might. Physically and otherwise. He and I do not get along at all. I will leave for months at a time to school, and I won't hear from him until I am home again, but that is besides the point. The point is this....lately I have been told by relatives and parent's friends that I should stop fighting against him when he tries to beat me up. Their reasoning? "Everyone" goes through this. I wouldn't accept this from them. I am at a loss as to what to do when he starts to do such things to me. Should I continue defending myself? Or should I back down? My mother insists that is usually my fault that such incidents start, but 99% of the time they aren't. Sorry for such a heavy topic, y'all. [/quote] It's not your fault, not everyone goes through this, and yes you should defend yourself. Even if you were at fault for initiating the disagreement, that would in no way justify the response. Please always remember that. When I was involved at my Dojo we offered women's self defense classes. You may want to look into that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenchild17 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 [quote name='rachael' post='1909614' date='Jul 3 2009, 06:47 PM']I know... [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 [quote name='hugheyforlife' post='1909621' date='Jul 3 2009, 07:55 PM']Call the police. When he leaves marks, go to the ER. I love you. [/quote] I would love to! But as with everything else...it's never that simple.... I know it sounds like I am making excuses... [quote name='hugheyforlife' post='1909622' date='Jul 3 2009, 07:57 PM']Oh... and Texas aint that bad. (Forget that I was [i]just[/i] talking about how much I really don't like Dallas...) Hello! Ostrich burgers![/quote] I thought it was yummy.... [quote name='Hassan' post='1909630' date='Jul 3 2009, 08:02 PM']It's not your fault, not everyone goes through this, and yes you should defend yourself. Even if you were at fault for initiating the disagreement, that would in no way justify the response. Please always remember that. When I was involved at my Dojo we offered women's self defense classes. You may want to look into that.[/quote] Well, after many years of dealing with him, I've become reallllly good at defending myself. People are surprised at my strength, I just really wanted to know if y'all thought it was OK to defend myself because people kept on telling me otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and I hated summers and holidays. Back then we got a month at Christmas. I spent a summer working in the Carolinas, planted trees at Christmas sometimes in knee deep snow and muck. The last summer I just stayed in school. On the news they talked about how the unemployment rate right now is the worst it has been in 26 years. That's when I was getting ready to graduate, and there were no jobs. The idea of going back home until I could find a forestry job was crushing me. I started applying to every graduate program in the world. Then one of my professors told me that as a woman I just wasn't going to get a masters posting. That wasn't in the fine print of the applications. It's one of the reasons I ended up in law school. I had to go somewhere. I felt trapped. I loved my dad dearly, but he never really stood up to her for me. I guess he was afraid of her too. I even tried the military and the Peace Corps, but neither would take me because of my bad knee. After a month at home waiting for school to start, I talked my dad into helping me get into a $3000 trailer to get out of the house. It leaked, had soft floors, and was next to a creek that flooded every time it rained, but I was 30 minutes away from her. I wish I had a solution for you. At least I could drive. You could stay here, but I'm not sure that would work too good for you. I had a childhood friend who got away from home by becoming a live in nanny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-Bone _ Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Prayers for you. I can't offer much advice, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
"Kyrie eleison" Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Rachael, I have a friend whose father used to physically abuse her in the worst way. Her mom would do everything she could to help her but then her mom would get hit in the attempt to defend my friend. She once got in the way and her arm was broke. Her father was beaten as a child. The beatings got worse as she got older as she would defend herself, and this mad him madder. When she turned 18 she got the heck out of dodge. If there is a way to get out of this environment I believe you should. I understand that you have to depend on them but just the same you should not have to live in fear. There may come a day that he may really harm you or you may have to do something drastic to him defend yourself. There is only so much abuse you can take until something snaps and the worst happens. My love and prayers go out to you as I know the pain you must feel in your heart and soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 [quote name='CatherineM' post='1909751' date='Jul 3 2009, 09:14 PM']My mom was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and I hated summers and holidays. Back then we got a month at Christmas. I spent a summer working in the Carolinas, planted trees at Christmas sometimes in knee deep snow and muck. The last summer I just stayed in school. On the news they talked about how the unemployment rate right now is the worst it has been in 26 years. That's when I was getting ready to graduate, and there were no jobs. The idea of going back home until I could find a forestry job was crushing me. I started applying to every graduate program in the world. Then one of my professors told me that as a woman I just wasn't going to get a masters posting. That wasn't in the fine print of the applications. It's one of the reasons I ended up in law school. I had to go somewhere. I felt trapped. I loved my dad dearly, but he never really stood up to her for me. I guess he was afraid of her too. I even tried the military and the Peace Corps, but neither would take me because of my bad knee. After a month at home waiting for school to start, I talked my dad into helping me get into a $3000 trailer to get out of the house. It leaked, had soft floors, and was next to a creek that flooded every time it rained, but I was 30 minutes away from her. I wish I had a solution for you. At least I could drive. You could stay here, but I'm not sure that would work too good for you. I had a childhood friend who got away from home by becoming a live in nanny.[/quote] Thanks. I've actually started an application for the Peace Corps! But, I've wanted to that for a long time now, and not because of my father... [quote name='T-Bone _' post='1909758' date='Jul 3 2009, 09:20 PM']Prayers for you. I can't offer much advice, though.[/quote] Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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