Courting/dating.

[Shpout]

[quote name='Terra Firma' post='1905191' date='Jun 29 2009, 10:26 AM']I think the timeline mommas_boy mentions is good. That's about where we were as far as figuring things out. I think being decisive when you're dating/courting is really important. Stringing someone along while you make up your mind is cruel. If you're not ready to think seriously about marriage, you're not ready to be dating or courting.[/quote]
I agree, mommas_boy timeline is pretty good!
and definitely agree, stringing someone along is very cruel! My first boyfriend wanted to 'court' right away before either of us knew or thought if we were 'in love' and it ended up hurting and I felt used.
so be careful, but I agree with you Terra Firma!

[Socrates]

I'm basically with Terra and Momma's Boy.

I think some of this depends on exactly what is meant by "dating" and "courting."

Some "hardcore" Catholics and other Christians have a strict idea of courtship, which involves essentially doing all one's courting under the chaperonage of each other's parents (or if not possible, with a large group of friends or other chaperoness, and essentially no physical touch.

While that may be a noble ideal, I don't think it's really all that practical in most people's circumstances today, and seems just a tad puritanical for me.

I think some "one-on-one" time is also necessary for getting to know someone (as well as time with others). People can act differently when away from parents or peers.

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with more casual dating before beginning a more serious "courtship" phase in order to get to know one's date, and whether he/she's someone you really want to pursue as a future spouse.

There is a problem, though, with "dating" as commonly practiced today, with long-term, open-ended, often sexual non-committal "relationships."

I think trying to immediately enter into a serious formal "courtship" with someone you barely know (as some traditional-minded religious kids do) is kind of dumb. (Some of my sister's more sheltered friends in college apparently thought they could know their "future spouse" -usually "that really cute guy"- immediately, then be devastated to find he wasn't particularly interested.)

[jeffpugh]

[quote name='Socrates' post='1906681' date='Jun 30 2009, 09:29 PM']I'm basically with Terra and Momma's Boy.

I think some of this depends on exactly what is meant by "dating" and "courting."

Some "hardcore" Catholics and other Christians have a strict idea of courtship, which involves essentially doing all one's courting under the chaperonage of each other's parents (or if not possible, with a large group of friends or other chaperoness, and essentially no physical touch.

While that may be a noble ideal, I don't think it's really all that practical in most people's circumstances today, and seems just a tad puritanical for me.

I think some "one-on-one" time is also necessary for getting to know someone (as well as time with others). People can act differently when away from parents or peers.

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with more casual dating before beginning a more serious "courtship" phase in order to get to know one's date, and whether he/she's someone you really want to pursue as a future spouse.

There is a problem, though, with "dating" as commonly practiced today, with long-term, open-ended, often sexual non-committal "relationships."

I think trying to immediately enter into a serious formal "courtship" with someone you barely know (as some traditional-minded religious kids do) is kind of dumb. (Some of my sister's more sheltered friends in college apparently thought they could know their "future spouse" -usually "that really cute guy"- immediately, then be devastated to find he wasn't particularly interested.)[/quote]
This is a good post. I especially like the fact you pointed out about how people can act differently alone and with others. This is key in a relationship.

[southern california guy]

[quote name='Socrates' post='1906681' date='Jun 30 2009, 07:29 PM']I'm basically with Terra and Momma's Boy.

I think some of this depends on exactly what is meant by "dating" and "courting."

Some "hardcore" Catholics and other Christians have a strict idea of courtship, which involves essentially doing all one's courting under the chaperonage of each other's parents (or if not possible, with a large group of friends or other chaperoness, and essentially no physical touch.

While that may be a noble ideal, I don't think it's really all that practical in most people's circumstances today, and seems just a tad puritanical for me.

I think some "one-on-one" time is also necessary for getting to know someone (as well as time with others). People can act differently when away from parents or peers.

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with more casual dating before beginning a more serious "courtship" phase in order to get to know one's date, and whether he/she's someone you really want to pursue as a future spouse.

There is a problem, though, with "dating" as commonly practiced today, with long-term, open-ended, often sexual non-committal "relationships."

I think trying to immediately enter into a serious formal "courtship" with someone you barely know (as some traditional-minded religious kids do) is kind of dumb. (Some of my sister's more sheltered friends in college apparently thought they could know their "future spouse" -usually "that really cute guy"- immediately, then be devastated to find he wasn't particularly interested.)[/quote]

I agree. However I used to basically think that "dating" was the same thing as "courting" -- until my more recent "dating" experience.. Yeah, she liked me -- but says that she has no intention of ever getting serious. And the "dates" were going well. We'd spend as much as ten hours together. Basically all day "dates". But she argued that we were just going out as "friends"... No I'm not heartbroken.. just a little disappointed to be honest.

[princessgianna]

[quote name='mommas_boy' post='1905183' date='Jun 29 2009, 10:13 AM']My opinion: there is room for both courting and dating in the Catholic model as [b]stages[/b]:

Dating -- Less serious, with the purpose of discerning whether or not you will begin to court. This is about having fun and getting to know someone. Best if non-exclusive. As such, physical touch should be kept at a minimum (I would hug someone that I was dating, but not hold their hand, for instance). Also, the dating stage should be relatively short. Since I did a lot of dating through CatholicMatch.com, I would typically give someone three dates before deciding whether or not to move on to courting. You should know pretty quickly.

Courting -- more serious, with the purpose of discerning whether or not you will get engaged/married. MUST be exclusive. Physical touch ok, and encouraged, so long as it remains chaste. Assuming that both parties are of an age to get married, less than two-years in length. Again, you should know pretty quickly. Prayer together should become a central focus of your relationship.[/quote]
I like that.

That's awesome an awesome timeline.

[elizabeth09]

In the 1700, there was no dating, but there was courting. If a young man likes a young lady, then he will bring her gifts, like flowers. First, he will ask his father, if yes, then the girl’s father say yes, then they put wedding banners all around. That way, if you disagree with something, then you can do that. If not, then the boy and the girl will get married. The wedding was mostly at the girl’s house.

[rachael]

i enjoy not living in the 1700s.

[Angel*Star]

I like the idea of courtship. However, I see what some of you are saying about dating. One must ask oneself what is their intent? If one is not intending to get married, they what are they doing dating? Too often have I seen one wanting marriage and the other a good time.

Edited July 4, 2009 by Angel*Star

[Angel*Star]

[quote name='rachael' post='1908068' date='Jul 2 2009, 09:54 AM']i enjoy not living in the 1700s.[/quote]


I agree. I am glad I don't live in the 1700s for a lot of reasons!

[rachael]

[quote name='Angel*Star' post='1910206' date='Jul 4 2009, 12:35 AM']I agree. I am glad I don't live in the 1700s for a lot of reasons![/quote]
yes. mainly for hygiene.

[Vasilius Konstantinos]

I dig the concept of courting. I have four girls. I pray for God's divine intervention when it comes to the scenario of me on a porch with a shotgun as some kid comes up to take my daughter out. It bothers me.

I do believe that when someone dates my daughter that he date the family too. Like his dates should be with the whole family and not just him and my daughter. He should be invited to family outings as dates and not some dark movie theatre. This I find as a good alternative to the whole dating scenario.

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Vasilius Konstantinos' post='1910684' date='Jul 4 2009, 11:37 AM']I dig the concept of courting. I have four girls. I pray for God's divine intervention when it comes to the scenario of me on a porch with a shotgun as some kid comes up to take my daughter out. It bothers me.

I do believe that when someone dates my daughter that he date the family too. Like his dates should be with the whole family and not just him and my daughter. He should be invited to family outings as dates and not some dark movie theatre. This I find as a good alternative to the whole dating scenario.[/quote]

With 5 older brothers, and a dad who had been a spy (Think Meet the Frockers), I had trouble even having a male friend over to do homework. They'd practically be frisked at the door.


I can't imagine trying to date someone who said they weren't interested in getting serious.

[Angel*Star]

[quote name='Vasilius Konstantinos' post='1910684' date='Jul 4 2009, 12:37 PM']I dig the concept of courting. I have four girls. I pray for God's divine intervention when it comes to the scenario of me on a porch with a shotgun as some kid comes up to take my daughter out. It bothers me.

I do believe that when someone dates my daughter that he date the family too. Like his dates should be with the whole family and not just him and my daughter. He should be invited to family outings as dates and not some dark movie theatre. This I find as a good alternative to the whole dating scenario.[/quote]


I agree with "dating the family". I think if a guy doesn't want to be with her family, the girl should run, run as fast as she can. I believe it is a sign of trouble, my friend. I have seen it happen on several occasions. He never wanted to be around family before marriage. Then she is shocked when after marriage she is going to family functions by herself or not at all. Then I find out there is abuse in the marriage.

[picchick]

[quote name='Angel*Star' post='1910856' date='Jul 4 2009, 06:04 PM']I agree with "dating the family". I think if a guy doesn't want to be with her family, the girl should run, run as fast as she can. I believe it is a sign of trouble, my friend. I have seen it happen on several occasions. He never wanted to be around family before marriage. Then she is shocked when after marriage she is going to family functions by herself or not at all. Then I find out there is abuse in the marriage. [/quote]
Agreed. Family is a part of me. In a marriage, it is not just a joining of two people but of two families. Maybe the families will not get along but the guy must want to be with my family and respect them. Sure, they maybe crazy at times but they are my life.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Vasilius Konstantinos' post='1910684' date='Jul 4 2009, 10:37 AM']I dig the concept of courting. I have four girls. I pray for God's divine intervention when it comes to the scenario of me on a porch with a shotgun as some kid comes up to take my daughter out. It bothers me.

I do believe that when someone dates my daughter that he date the family too. Like his dates should be with the whole family and not just him and my daughter. He should be invited to family outings as dates and not some dark movie theatre. This I find as a good alternative to the whole dating scenario.[/quote]
I would say it's a good supplement to the dating one-on-one scenario rather than an alternative. I think it is important for one-on-one opportunities as a part of the discernment process. As has been noted earlier in this thread, people act differently when other people are around. My husband, for example, has six sisters. If I'd exclusively dated his family, I would never know what his voice sounded like.

I think balance is important. Family is an important aid in discerning whether marriage is appropriate in a given relationship, and family relationships are a reality after marriage in a way most people don't appreciate. Plus family dynamics tell you a lot about a person and what they're going to be like as you build your own family together. But one-on-one time, especially when seriously discerning marriage, also aids in discernment.