cmotherofpirl Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='Brother Adam' post='1828931' date='Apr 8 2009, 03:18 PM'] DW just read this and said "Hmmmmm...." with a little smirk on her face. [/quote] Remember if my coersion techniques don't work, CatherineM's surely will -staying on your side of the bed: === Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='prose' post='1829001' date='Apr 8 2009, 04:22 PM']He is not lazy. He is selectively lazy. An hour or two of video games would not bother me. coming home from work at 5 or 6 and playing video games until 2 or 3 in the morning is not reasonable behavior for a married father of two with one on the way. He may be our sole income, but I am running my own business. Yes, right now, he is the only income, but I am working my rear end off to get this business to be successful while being a mom and a wife and growing a baby. My hope is to be paying the mortgage for us in under 2 years. I don't even expect him to work all the time, just an occasional chore without having to beg him would be nice. Yes. I am convinced he is addicted and that is why this behavior is cyclical. I would love to go to a marriage encounter, we just don't have the time right now [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoffeeCatholic Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Prose- I completely understand you right now. I've only been married for 2 1/2 months so of course it's not really started to irk me yet, but i know it will. We've gone through cycles, even when we weren't married, where I would just throw his things away. However, for him his situations a little different- his mother is a compulsive horder and his parent's house is so bad that i've never been invited in. So I don't expect a lot- I can't. I've learned that I can put up with messy for exactly 2 weeks because I go stir mad. Our dishwasher broke, and I hate doing dishes by hand. Finally, i broke down and did a weeks worth of dishes- it took 2 hours, and he helped when I asked him to. But he had incentive- I was dancing in the kitchen. This morning, I went a little stir mad with the state of our apartment again, specifically our bedroom, and I pretty much took it apart and STARTED to put it back together again before i had to leave for work. He called me from school around noon and asked how i was doing, and I told him about my endeavor and asked if he wouldn't mind flipping the laundry and vacuuming the living room, and not to take the dirty clothes off the bed. They're small things- things I don't even mind doing when I get home- so when I get home and they aren't done, i won't be mad. But if they are, I'll be estatic. What i've learned- even in just 2 months of married life- is that if i expect it, i'll be upset. But if I don't and it gets done anyway, i'll be happy- and when I'm happy, I tell him, and he's slowly getting the picture. I don't fuss if he doesn't do it, I just get super excited and happy if he does. Positive reinforcement. But yeah, it's hard. It's probably the hardest part of our marriage so far! Before we got married when we talked about divvying out our chores, I told him I'd be happy if he just took the trash out, and I would seriously be- if he did. he does when I hand it to him- and that's a step! We're looking at buying a house soon, so I think I'm going to need to sit down and really talk to him about what my expectations are for what the house will look like on a daily basis versus when company comes. I don't mind if it's not perfect all the time, but like you said, when someones coming over, I'd like to see it picked up and all the unmentionables put away. But i agree with what a lot of people have said- talk to him. talk to him, and positive reinforcement. that's the only advice i have. I'll be praying for you! I know how tough this is! PM me if you want to vent more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='prose' post='1829001' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:22 PM']He is not lazy. He is selectively lazy. An hour or two of video games would not bother me. coming home from work at 5 or 6 and playing video games until 2 or 3 in the morning is not reasonable behavior for a married father of two with one on the way. He may be our sole income, but I am running my own business. Yes, right now, he is the only income, but I am working my rear end off to get this business to be successful while being a mom and a wife and growing a baby. My hope is to be paying the mortgage for us in under 2 years. I don't even expect him to work all the time, just an occasional chore without having to beg him would be nice. Yes. I am convinced he is addicted and that is why this behavior is cyclical. I would love to go to a marriage encounter, we just don't have the time right now [/quote] Yeah that is a completely different situation from what we have. We are both insanely busy and working hard all the time, so I don't mind so much giving him a break now and then. If he was playing 6 or more hours a day, it would be serious problems. I'll be praying for you guys that you are able to work together toward a more healthy situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1829005' date='Apr 8 2009, 04:32 PM']Remember if my coersion techniques don't work, CatherineM's surely will -staying on your side of the bed: === [/quote] I guess I'll do dishes. You know what they say though...[i]baby making[/i] starts in the kitchen. Now I know what that means. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 +J.M.J.+ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I'm less than enthused with using intimacy as a means of manipulation. I know I haven't been married long, but I hope not to resort to withholding in order to motivate my husband to do something I want him to do, or intimacy as a reward for having done something I wanted him to. I can understand the temptation, because intimacy is such a powerful motivator. And I can understand being more inclined to engage in intimate acts when he's done the dishes and folded laundry. You'd feel grateful, and less tired. But it seems to me that using it as a punishment or reward cheapens marital intimacy and does long-term damage to a marriage. Maybe I will feel differently in a few years though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luthien Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1829039' date='Apr 8 2009, 05:53 PM']I'm less than enthused with using intimacy as a means of manipulation. I know I haven't been married long, but I hope not to resort to withholding in order to motivate my husband to do something I want him to do, or intimacy as a reward for having done something I wanted him to. I can understand the temptation, because intimacy is such a powerful motivator. And I can understand being more inclined to engage in intimate acts when he's done the dishes and folded laundry. You'd feel grateful, and less tired. But it seems to me that using it as a punishment or reward cheapens marital intimacy and does long-term damage to a marriage. Maybe I will feel differently in a few years though. [/quote] I don't have the discipline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 [quote name='Luthien' post='1829046' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:58 PM']I don't have the discipline. [/quote] Me neither! Perhaps that is what my real problem is. : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 It can do damage if done imprudently. I don't have a problem with "If I have to clean for the next three hours and don't get any help it will be too late and I will be too tired." That can strengthen a marriage and is legitimate. I don't see that as reward or punishment. I would have a problem with "If you don't stop playing VG or doing this or that or don't start doing this or that you aren't getting any." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 I will never, ever use sex as a weapon. Sex is so sacred. I don't believe it is a tool for marital problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 I don't think it's necessarily a weapon. I think it's more of a natural consequence. It's hard to be turned on to someone who's so selfish he tells you he won't help to pick up after himself so stop asking. As Brother Adam pointed out, it starts in the kitchen. Men compartmentalize, women don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ardillacid Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 $5 says its WoW, or another related MMORPG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
add Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 [quote name='whatsup' post='1828869' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:56 PM']If guys are anything like brothers saying "clean the living room" is like telling the to paint the cistine chapel. They really don't know where to start. They need firmer directions, and they need to not be reminded that the couch is rumpled or the curtians are still shut or something. That makes them feel like failures. You could also take a photo of the room when clean and tell your hubby to make them match.[/quote] failures?????????????????????????????????????????????????why Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Wednesday Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 My husband and I both work very hard, so we both get tired and procrastinate -- but it's annoying because I'm the only one who takes the initiative to clean. He often procrastinates when I tell him to do something, and doesn't do a very good job of cleaning up after himself. He doesn't mean any harm in it, but he's..... a guy. Usually it's when I get going and just start cleaning the house he feels guilty and decides to start cleaning, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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