I Am So Frustrated And Angry

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Brother Adam' post='1828790' date='Apr 8 2009, 12:08 PM']Maybe that is part of the problem then. Is he exhausted and needs to veg out and that is why he is not helping? I do my darndest to help out around the house but some days I come home, and even though it is only 6 or 7 PM I just have to sit down and not do anything (we don't have any video games anymore so usually its the computer or tv) even though DW comes in with a long list of things she wants me to do.[/quote]
The trick for DW to learn is first make sure you eat, unwind, get a 5 minute back rub, told how wonderful and clever you are , THEN had you a list of chores.

[Winchester]

I don't believe in divorce, but I do believe in murder.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='Lil Red' post='1828760' date='Apr 8 2009, 03:35 PM']+J.M.J.+
i just can't believe your hubby has time to play video games with little kids! we got rid of our gaming system after little girl was born - neither of us had the time or energy to play.[/quote]
We still have ours. I can count on one hand the number of times I've played it since I got pregnant. DH might be up to 2 hands, but barely.

[CatherineM]

At least yours can't blame his laziness on an illness or medication. Mine's a dynamo when it comes to things he's interested in, but "everyday tasks elude him." I just don't let him have company over when the house is a mess. That usually works. If not, there is always the, "I'm too tired from cleaning, so you have to stay on your side of the bed."

[Sojourner]

Just to play devil's advocate, have you considered that maybe he needs downtime? From what I've heard of your husband, he seems like a pretty decent guy, and if I remember right he's your sole income at the moment. That doesn't strike me as a "lazy" guy, but maybe I am wrong.

Definitely he needs to step up and do things at home, but maybe one of the ways he relieves stress is by playing video games. My guy spent a couple of hours playing last night, even though the house needs vacuuming and laundry needs folding, but I didn't make a big deal of it because I know he's been really stressed lately. Or maybe your DH has some emotional stuff going on, like depression or something along those lines.

I'd advocate talking to him about what's going on, in a non-accusatory way.

[PlainCatholic]

Is it possible the husband has an addiction to video games? Time on video games, like the computer, passes quickly with nought to show for the effort. Perhaps you and your husband can go to a [url="http://www.wwme.org/"]Marriage Encounter[/url] weekend to reconnect to each other and disconnect from the video games?

Prayers for a holy resolution to your situation.

[IcePrincessKRS]

[quote name='Lil Red' post='1828760' date='Apr 8 2009, 11:35 AM']+J.M.J.+
i just can't believe your hubby has time to play video games with little kids! we got rid of our gaming system after little girl was born - neither of us had the time or energy to play.[/quote]

We still have ours but it doubles as our DVD player. Matt usually cleans up then plays for a little while. Sometimes instead of asking to watch a movie our girls (Genevieve in particular) will ask to watch him play a game.

Right now my thing is, I physically cannot keep up with everything without making myself sick so I NEED his help. He gets that. When I'm not pregnant his efforts to clean the house are much less frequent, and I'm ok with letting him veg out when he gets home from work since in those circumstances I can keep up with it all.

[whatsup]

If guys are anything like brothers saying "clean the living room" is like telling the to paint the cistine chapel. They really don't know where to start. They need firmer directions, and they need to not be reminded that the couch is rumpled or the curtians are still shut or something. That makes them feel like failures.

You could also take a photo of the room when clean and tell your hubby to make them match.

[Groo the Wanderer]

[quote name='prose' post='1828711' date='Apr 8 2009, 09:41 AM']I had a course I was taking last night, so I said to my hubby before I left:

PLEASE clean up the downstairs. I have someone coming over tomorrow and I don't want to come home and have to clean until midnight."

So, I come home, and NOTHING has been done. And he says to me "You know I don't do it, so I don't know why you bother asking me or expecting things done"

Then he helped me clean (under duress).

Then I asked him "If you are going to be up late playing video games..." (which he does until 2-3 in the morning) "Could you please straighten up the front hall?"

I come down this morning to nothing done.

Are my expectations too high?

I am finding it very hard to be married to such a lazy man.[/quote]


Gah! sounds like yer married to me...er...um...

I mean..what a buttface!

Get off your duff dood and help out a bit. Remember the part about "husbands love your wives"? If she asks ya to do something, do it even if it stinks. Do it because no matter how inane and pointless it is to you, it's important TO HER.

[MIKolbe]

I know you have had countless talks, but maye approach the communication differently..maybe write him a letter...not an email, but a letter, and ask him to write one back?

My wife and I will do that at times..it allows us to fully communicate without being interrupted by eachother (or by ourselves at new thoughts pop into our heads)

Bottom line, as I see it, is you need (and rightfully want) his help, in a minimal way with regards to straightening up parts of the house. His refusal not only makes you upset, but I think really hurts you. I think you need to find a way to communicate this to him wherein reception, acknowledgement, and comprehension are achieved. I have to believe if he KNOWS his actions hurt you, he will act in a positive way to relieve the pain.

Sometimes, it takes that knowledge (of me hurting my wife) for me to 'snap out of it' and stop being such a chump.

hope that helps....

[Luthien]

double trouble tribble.

Edited April 8, 2009 by Luthien

[Luthien]

[quote name='hot stuff' post='1828762' date='Apr 8 2009, 12:39 PM']I would send all the video games and the system to me.

Anything I can do to help the sanctity of your marriage[/quote]




[quote name='Raphael' post='1828796' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:12 PM']You're married to Dark Wing Duck?[/quote]




[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1828798' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:14 PM']The trick for DW to learn is first make sure you eat, unwind, get a 5 minute back rub, told how wonderful and clever you are , THEN had you a list of chores. [/quote]

Right on Cmom. Works wonders.


[quote name='Terra Firma' post='1828841' date='Apr 8 2009, 02:07 PM']Just to play devil's advocate, have you considered that maybe he needs downtime? From what I've heard of your husband, he seems like a pretty decent guy, and if I remember right he's your sole income at the moment. That doesn't strike me as a "lazy" guy, but maybe I am wrong.

Definitely he needs to step up and do things at home, but maybe one of the ways he relieves stress is by playing video games. My guy spent a couple of hours playing last night, even though the house needs vacuuming and laundry needs folding, but I didn't make a big deal of it because I know he's been really stressed lately. Or maybe your DH has some emotional stuff going on, like depression or something along those lines.

I'd advocate talking to him about what's going on, in a non-accusatory way.[/quote]

I think this is very true. You said he helps "OTHERS" frequently, maybe he is burnt out and is zonking on the VG. Im not excusing it, I mean like you don't have a lot to do with your class and kiddies. I think sitting down when you're WICKED calm about it and talking to him about your concerns would help a lot. I'm sure you have heard that already, but I suppose it bears repeating. Im just letting you know what works for us. Also, maybe he doesn't know "HOW" to clean, I've mastered the 10 minute tidy routine, maybe you could teach your techniques?

[Brother Adam]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1828798' date='Apr 8 2009, 12:14 PM']The trick for DW to learn is first make sure you eat, unwind, get a 5 minute back rub, told how wonderful and clever you are , THEN had you a list of chores. [/quote]

DW just read this and said "Hmmmmm...." with a little smirk on her face.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Brother Adam' post='1828931' date='Apr 8 2009, 01:18 PM'] DW just read this and said "Hmmmmm...." with a little smirk on her face. [/quote]
So sad for you.

[prose]

[quote name='Terra Firma' post='1828841' date='Apr 8 2009, 11:07 AM']Just to play devil's advocate, have you considered that maybe he needs downtime? From what I've heard of your husband, he seems like a pretty decent guy, and if I remember right he's your sole income at the moment. That doesn't strike me as a "lazy" guy, but maybe I am wrong.

Definitely he needs to step up and do things at home, but maybe one of the ways he relieves stress is by playing video games. My guy spent a couple of hours playing last night, even though the house needs vacuuming and laundry needs folding, but I didn't make a big deal of it because I know he's been really stressed lately. Or maybe your DH has some emotional stuff going on, like depression or something along those lines.

I'd advocate talking to him about what's going on, in a non-accusatory way.[/quote]

He is not lazy. He is selectively lazy. An hour or two of video games would not bother me. coming home from work at 5 or 6 and playing video games until 2 or 3 in the morning is not reasonable behavior for a married father of two with one on the way.

He may be our sole income, but I am running my own business. Yes, right now, he is the only income, but I am working my rear end off to get this business to be successful while being a mom and a wife and growing a baby. My hope is to be paying the mortgage for us in under 2 years.

I don't even expect him to work all the time, just an occasional chore without having to beg him would be nice.

[quote name='PlainCatholic' post='1828844' date='Apr 8 2009, 11:12 AM']Is it possible the husband has an addiction to video games? Time on video games, like the computer, passes quickly with nought to show for the effort. Perhaps you and your husband can go to a [url="http://www.wwme.org/"]Marriage Encounter[/url] weekend to reconnect to each other and disconnect from the video games?

Prayers for a holy resolution to your situation.[/quote]

Yes. I am convinced he is addicted and that is why this behavior is cyclical. I would love to go to a marriage encounter, we just don't have the time right now