Carmel - Take Three

[AccountDeleted]

Yes, yes, I know, I know. How absolutely embarrassing to keep trying to enter religious life - and to keep posting about it here - but how else am I to get all of you to pray for me? So I swallow what remains of my tattered pride (please, Lord, take it all) and humbly ask for prayers again.

I have plans (God willing) to go back and try my vocation again in Carmel - this time at Kirk Edge Monastery in Sheffield (England), which follows the 1581 consitutions of St Teresa (promulgated in 1990). They are very traditional and very strict in their observance of the Teresian customs, so I will need a lot of prayers while I am there as well! I have persistence, if not perseverence. Although I have been told many times (by very important priests) that I shouldn't even try for religious life at my age (and my own brother has called me arrogant not to listen to these wise and holy men), I figure that if God put this "burning yearning" in my heart, then He must know what He is doing and have His own reasons for it! Like Jeremiah, when I try to ignore this calling, I can't bear the pain inside...

[i] "I would say to myself, 'I will not think about him, I will not speak in his name any more,' but then there seemed to be a fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones. The effort to restrain it wearied me, I could not do it."[/i] Jer 20:9

Reverend Mother has asked me to come on May 2nd to live-in for a week, and then to take a couple of days outside the enclosure to think about it - during which time I hope to go down to Wolverhampton and visit with my "old" community (I have been offered the use of the extern flat there). During this time, the community at Sheffield will vote on my entrance, and Mother says that if all goes well, I can come straight back and enter without having to return to the US (because of the expenses involved).

My major challenge is that I haven't been able to find much employment since I returned to California - just on and off shifts as a caregiver, so getting the money together for the fare isn't easy - one baby step at a time. I have applied for work at every McDonald's and Taco Bell, etc and every cleaning or labor job in the area - but the California economy is so bad right now, that there are 200 applicants for every position!

Also, my Dad passed away four weeks ago. This whole time was a real mercy from God for me as I was able to say prayers for my Dad at his funeral. So, I am glad that I was able to be here for that, and to touch base with family members again, especially my estranged daughter, who is in the military. But, all in all, this has been a time of much stress and heartache. I have tried to see it all as a great opportunity to grow in faith and trust in God's kindness and mercy.

I would like to ask you all to keep me actively in your prayers and if any of you feel so inclined, a novena to St Joseph would be great (who better than he would know about needing to earn income?)! or if you have a favorite saint (of religious life, of the impossible, etc )

I do believe that God will provide because Jesus said so...

[i]Now if that is how God clothes the wild flowers growing in the field which are there today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, will he not much more look after you, you who have so little faith?
So do not worry; do not say, "What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to wear?" It is the gentiles who set their hearts on all these things. Your heavenly Father knows you need them all.
Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on God's saving justice, and all these other things will be given you as well. [/i] Mt 6:30-33


Like the persistent widow who petitioned the judge for justice until he couldn't deny her any more, I see myself harrassing God with my attempts at religious life, until He takes pity on this poor old woman and grants me the grace to do it! Every time I try, a little bit more of my self gets chipped away. Now I am trying to follow the precautions and the counsels to a religious as laid down by St John of the Cross (many prayers are needed for me here!) ...

[i]"To practice the second counsel, which concerns mortification, and profit by it, you should engrave this truth on your heart.

And it is that you have not come to the monastery for any other reason than to be worked and tried in virtue; you are like the stone that must be chiseled and fashioned before being set in the building.

Thus you should understand that those who are in the monastery are craftsmen placed there by God to mortify you by working and chiseling at you. Some will chisel with words, telling you what you would rather not hear; others by deed, doing against you what you would rather not endure; others by their temperament, being in their person and in their actions a bother and annoyance to you; and others by their thoughts, neither esteeming nor feeling love for you.

You ought to suffer these mortifications and annoyances with inner patience, being silent for love of God and understanding that you did not enter the religious life for any other reason than for others to work you in this way, and so you become worthy of heaven.

If this was not your reason for entering the religious state, you should not have done so, but should have remained in the world to seek your comfort, honor, reputation, and ease. "[/i]
[url="http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/couns.html"]http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/couns.html[/url]

Well, that's enough for now -- please remember me in your prayers, that I may find work in order to pay the fare to England, that I may enter and persevere in the life, and that all I do may be pleasing to God. The power of prayer is beyond measure, and I can assure you all that I will keep you all in my prayers as well. In the grace of God, I thank you phatmass phamily!

[Lilllabettt]

I admire your courage. May God reward you.

[Grace06]

In reading the website it seems they follow the 1581 constitutions accommodated to VAT II :

THE DISCALCED CARMELITE NUNS OF
THE CARMELITE MONASTERY
OF THE ORDER OF THE BLESSED
VIRGIN MARY OF MOUNT CARMEL
SHEFFIELD

[b]follow the Constitutions of 1581[i] accomodated to Vatican Council II and to current canonical laws[/i]according to to the norms given by His Holiness John Paul II on 15th. October 1984.
Promulgated by him on 8th. [i]December 1990[/i], Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception[/b]

This is no different than many of our American Monasteries - with some being more traditional/conservative. Perhaps you will find it no more conservative, possibly less so, than Wolverhampton.

Easter Blessings!

[DiscerningSoul]

I am planning on doing a discernment retreat with a community for two weeks starting on May 2nd also. (God Willing, I havn't heard back yet.)
Just think on May 3rd is world day of prayer for Vocations!
You will be in my prayers as well as all vocations.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Grace06' post='1828096' date='Apr 7 2009, 06:06 PM']In reading the website it seems they follow the 1581 constitutions accommodated to VAT II :

THE DISCALCED CARMELITE NUNS OF
THE CARMELITE MONASTERY
OF THE ORDER OF THE BLESSED
VIRGIN MARY OF MOUNT CARMEL
SHEFFIELD

[b]follow the Constitutions of 1581[i] accomodated to Vatican Council II and to current canonical laws[/i]according to to the norms given by His Holiness John Paul II on 15th. October 1984.
Promulgated by him on 8th. [i]December 1990[/i], Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception[/b]

This is no different than many of our American Monasteries - with some being more traditional/conservative. Perhaps you will find it no more conservative, possibly less so, than Wolverhampton.

Easter Blessings![/quote]

Grace06 -- I don't know how much you know about the constitutions of Carmel, but there was a very long and informative thread on the phorum here a year or so ago that covered a lot of the difficulties and controversies experienced by the Carmelite nuns after Vatican II when they were all trying to renew and reform according to the directions of the council. I am sure you could do a search and find that thread - it would be very good to help you understand better.

Reverend Mother in Edmonton (1991) told me a lot about what they all went through there during this time. There were many surveys that the nuns were asked to complete, and much discussion amongst the community members about their life and how they felt they could review and update their constitutions to better follow the charism of their founder (which the Council asked them to do during the renewal).

[i]While other Institutes of Consecrated Life, in response to Vatican II, were able to renew their own constitutions in an expeditious manner, it took the Discalced Carmelite nuns twenty-five years, with the final step taking place on 25 December 1992. In addition to this unusually lengthy process was the unusual result, the promulgation of two constitutions by the Holy See,9 both 'in vigour'.10 Four monasteries have a third type of compromise text.[/i]
[url="http://www.geocities.com/carmelite_2000/kuenstle.html"]http://www.geocities.com/carmelite_2000/kuenstle.html[/url]

There are as many versions of these events as there are monasteries, I would think. Mother Edmonton said they were very upset when they heard about the 1990 promulgation (which came through first) because it didn't really offer any changes and threw out the over ten years of surveys that they had agonised over and worked to complete.

The 1990s Carmels however, were terrified that St Teresa's original work would somehow be compromised if "mitigation" were allowed into the Rule again (don't forget that St Teresa was already a Carmelite when she set out to restore the order to the original Rule that had already been mitigated), so they fought hard to get their renewed (and yet mostly unchanged) constitutions through first. There were a majority of Carmels however that wanted more change, and their constitutions were promulgated in 1991.

I don't attempt to understand it all, but it was obviously a significant event for all involved. And it did result in some differences in the different "streams", although every Carmel is autonomous, so there will always be slightly different customs in each community any way.

Another influence on each Carmel is the "flavor" of the foundress. In England, some of the monasteries were founded from France and some from Belgium. The Edmonton community was founded from Macau, which was founded from Belgian nuns, so it had some slightly different customs than Wolverhampton, which was founded from Paris.... lots of influences all over

You are right though in that many of the 1991 Carmels are very traditional - Wolverhampton is a case in point. They wear a very traditional habit (although almost all Carmels have made small changes to accommodate climate, work etc, even those that have the appearance of a traditional habit) but they do have two cars and go outside the monastery more than some would consider appropriate for enclosed nuns. I found there were many small customs that did not sit well with me, but on the whole they are very faithful to the Teresian ideal (in my opinion).

Edmonton was extremely contemplative and observant in the praying of the Office, and seemed very traditional, but there were some glaring exceptions to the Rule that upset me while I was there. I tried to accept them but they went against both the Rule of St Albert and the Constitutions that they followed. It wasn't the reason I left, but it was something that I had difficulty with.

I don't attempt to judge either Carmelite Monastery that I have lived in however, since whatever small things I might have taken exception to, are insignificant compared with the sincerity and absolute fidelity by which these nuns live their lives. I highly esteem, admire and respect both communities and felt honored to be in each of them. I love the sisters in them. Any faults I perceived in their customs were most likely a reflection of the imperfections in myself that I cannot see (the log in my eye!). St Therese would have used these things to perfect herself, but I am certainly not at her level of sanctity. God will just have to be pleased with my efforts for now, since my results are not yet observable!

As for Sheffield, well, I have been fortunate to have read lengthy reports from women who have spent time with them, and it does sound as if they are very strict in their customs and both prayerful and penitential as well.

The correspondence I have had with Mother has also reinforced this belief in me. That isn't to say that I will find all according to my desire or taste - but since it isn't about that - I will pray for the grace to accept whatever God sends me. Mother wrote to me these comments about their life...

[i]"Exterior hardships are helpful for the life of prayer - but we all agree that it is the "NADA NADA NADA" that is the most difficult in our life. The "NADA" is the absence of any sense help in our prayer or in work or activity."[/i]

[i]"Don't forget though that Carmel is a martyrdom of love and martyrs do not choose the circumstances of their martyrdom . They just go through with it."[/i]

By the way, I didn't specifically choose to go to Sheffield because they are a 1990 community, but I must admit that this pleases me. I do know that I need a lot of prayers in order to do this. If I think about it, I get terrified - Our Lord told the apostles that "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" and I know my own human nature is very weak (and lazy and self-centered!) -- and I ask myself if I am crazy to think that I can try this again. I sometimes get discouraged and wonder if I am just deluding myself, thinking that I can be a Carmelite, but then I tell Satan to get behind me and leave me alone. I remind myself of the agony Our Lord went through in the garden, and I pray for the strength to do what my heart craves. That is why I am asking for your prayers as well. Thank you.

Edited April 8, 2009 by nunsense

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='DiscerningSoul' post='1828168' date='Apr 7 2009, 06:59 PM']I am planning on doing a discernment retreat with a community for two weeks starting on May 2nd also. (God Willing, I havn't heard back yet.)
Just think on May 3rd is world day of prayer for Vocations!
You will be in my prayers as well as all vocations.
[/quote]

I will certainly keep you in my prayers as well! God bless!

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' post='1827954' date='Apr 7 2009, 03:31 PM']I admire your courage. May God reward you.[/quote]


Thank you. God bless you too!

[Grace06]

[quote name='nunsense' post='1828216' date='Apr 7 2009, 10:27 PM']Grace06 -- I don't know how much you know about the constitutions of Carmel,[/quote]

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding - I was not commenting on or judging your decision to try another Carmel or one outside the U.S..

As for the journey of Carmelite monasteries - I am blessed to have friends in Carmel since 1972. Yes, we have had many discussions over the years about the Constitutions.

I do understand that every monastery, be it Carmel or any other, will have customs and a personality that has it basis on where they are located, the original foundress of the foundation, the present prioress and the community itself. I understand the history of monastic life.

It seems any job you would find right now would not bring a pay check in time to purchase an airline tkt to the UK at a reasonable cost, as the 21 day mark is but a few days away...then the 14 day mark....it must weigh heavy on your heart.

Wishing you continued blessings on your discernment journey and much joy!

[Sister Rose Therese]

Dear Nunsense,
will keep you in prayers.
God bless and keep you!

[mariaassunta]

Dear Annie,
This is just a suggestion why dont you ask your Parish priest or some good religious priest or Sister that you know. Maybe they will be able to support you to buy the airline ticket, Or do some fundraising event, Garage Sale etc. If the Lord wants you to go He will provide, but we can also do our part by being humble enough to ask others for support. I know this helps because in the past priests have helped me when going to World Youth Day and different events.

God Bless and im always here if you need help.

Angel of Mary

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Grace06' post='1828658' date='Apr 8 2009, 06:10 AM']I'm sorry for the misunderstanding - I was not commenting on or judging your decision to try another Carmel or one outside the U.S..

As for the journey of Carmelite monasteries - I am blessed to have friends in Carmel since 1972. Yes, we have had many discussions over the years about the Constitutions.

I do understand that every monastery, be it Carmel or any other, will have customs and a personality that has it basis on where they are located, the original foundress of the foundation, the present prioress and the community itself. I understand the history of monastic life.

It seems any job you would find right now would not bring a pay check in time to purchase an airline tkt to the UK at a reasonable cost, as the 21 day mark is but a few days away...then the 14 day mark....it must weigh heavy on your heart.

Wishing you continued blessings on your discernment journey and much joy! [/quote]

Well, the funny thing is that there is no heavy weight on my heart at all - just the opposite. I feel God's grace so much right now, and although there is a degree of terror it has nothing to do with the money situation, which either will or will not be taken care of according to God's will.

My terror comes from the fact that my joy in life is to please God, and yet I know so well my own weak nature. But now I am trying not to think about the past attempts at all, and to move forward with confidence, not in myself, but in God. St Paul said

[i]Wherefore, so that I should not get above myself, I was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger from Satan to batter me and prevent me from getting above myself.[/i] 2 Cor 12:7

All my past efforts have only served to remind me that without God I can do nothing, but with Him, all things are possible. So, I try again - whatever happens, I am sure that it will only serve to humble me more and more and who could ask for anything more than that?

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='angelofmary' post='1828794' date='Apr 8 2009, 09:11 AM']Dear Annie,
This is just a suggestion why dont you ask your Parish priest or some good religious priest or Sister that you know. Maybe they will be able to support you to buy the airline ticket, Or do some fundraising event, Garage Sale etc. If the Lord wants you to go He will provide, but we can also do our part by being humble enough to ask others for support. I know this helps because in the past priests have helped me when going to World Youth Day and different events.

God Bless and im always here if you need help.

Angel of Mary [/quote]

That is a very good idea, and just goes to show how little humility I really have. The very idea of asking for this kind of help scares me, especially since I haven't been a regular member of a parish anywhere for the past two years. Since coming back to Orange County in March this time, I have been attending whatever Masses I can find - some in Latin, some in English, some in the early morning and some in the evening - in different cities around here - depending on when I had the use of my brother's car. I have also wanted to attend Evening Prayer with the Norbertine Fathers, and this is followed by Mass, so whenever I could, I went there instead of to the local parish church. So I haven't felt that I should ask people who don't even know me apart from seeing my face occasionally.

And I suppose the other thing that holds me back - how do I say this? - well, since I have left Carmel twice, I guess I see myself as a failure really, and I think that these good people shouldn't waste their money on someone like me when they could help some young person who wants to enter, or a young seminarian etc -- you know - the whole "unworthy" thing that has nothing to do with real humilty My sister-in-law tells me that if I received money to help me enter, maybe I would stay this time - simply because I wouldn't want to disapoint my benefactors -- how do you like that logic? She's probably right, but I should be much more worried about disappointing Our Lord, don't you think? Honestly, we do have such a patient God!

All that being said, I have heard from a couple of people who said they would like to help me, and I am most grateful. I know they are doing it for love of God, and that is a good thing - nothing to do with me personally. We will see how things work out - it will be to His praise if it does. What I need most are prayers!

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='Sister Rose Therese' post='1828741' date='Apr 8 2009, 08:13 AM']Dear Nunsense,
will keep you in prayers.
God bless and keep you![/quote]

Thank you so much - prayers, prayers and more prayers - this is what I need from everyone!

Thank you

[shortnun]

Many prayers.

[laetitia crucis]

You most certainly have my prayers! I'll be sure to pray extra hard during your live-in.

Thank you for your persistance -- it's very much an encouragment to me! (I was also in another order and am still trying to find where God wants me. I'll keep knocking! )

God bless you!
lc