Piccoli Fiori JMJ Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Here's my story from 2 months ago: Things in my family have not been well for some time now. My sister’s grades are suffering this quarter and she has been very stressed with all the work that she needs to do after falling so far behind. My mother and father have not been getting along well for sometime now. I’ve been stuck in the middle of this since I’ve been home. I’ve been filling in where my father has been lacking, almost like another parent, with my sister and with chores and doing things around the house. Because I am filling such an important role in my family, I think my mother feels that if I leave to enter the monastery, that she will be loosing this help, like she is loosing her ‘spouse.’ Last week, my dad and I started talking about how to make things better (since so much of the hurt and division seems to have started with him). I suggested some things (like patching his relationship with my mother), but this is a long road for my family. Talking about this did open up some old wounds, but I was talking with Teresa (my youth minister) about the situation later and found I was bearing a great burden that I’ve kept to myself over the years. I began to see the more that we talked that this was the beginning of something wonderful. I feel that the Lord is beginning to heal my family and set me on the road to entrance. I feel so much hope and joy for the future of my family. I will be able to seek entrance without having any worries about my family and their spiritual and all-around well being! The Lord is preparing me to be entirely His. I know that I cannot stay away from His call forever and I know that I may not be able to stay until we are all fully healed. I hope I can be strong in the coming months so that I can do what needs to be done. O Divine Physician, quickly heal the hurt in my family! I wrote that back in January, and things still continue to be difficult with my family, particularly my father. I've tried but I cannot help but find myself so angry and frustrated with him. He doesn't do anything really unless it is for him and his pleasures. He doesn't clean (and he is definitely not the most hygienic of men) anything that isn't his and creates a big fuss any time someone asks him to do simple things (like the dishes or even rinsing his dishes and putting them in the dishwasher to begin with!). He is very passive aggressive about everything that is going on. He never tells us anything unless we need to know about it, and it would be important things like the appraiser coming to our house today that we didn't find out about until last night. He continually makes a fuss about how there is 'croutons' all over and that my mom isn't doing anything, when she has been doing EVERYTHING for as long as I can remember. She is so worn out and tired and even so stressed she can't sleep through the night and tends to take a nap as soon as she gets home from work. They only way the house gets clean is if I do it (which is kinda difficult for me since I don't know what to do with half the stuff!) or she takes a day off. I can barely stand being at home with him just because it seems that everything he does irritates me in some way. I have tried to be more Christ-like to him and even have confessed my lack of doing so many times. I've prayed for him and I just don't know what to do any more. There is so much hurt that has already lingered for so long, I'm not sure how to get past it. I want things better for my sister most of all. She is finishing 8th grade this year. Her grades have picked up this semester, but I worry so much for her well being in the future if this is what she will have to bear. I need to overcome this, but I'm not sure what it is I need to do. I know I need to talk with my dad, but it is so difficult and just hurts so much. I'm not so comfortable feeling so vulnerable with him. I want to make things better. I really do. I'm just not sure what the next step is. Please keep my family in your prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 You can't take over for a parent. You know that too. We all want our parents to be like the Brady Bunch or the Waltons, and in real life, few are. It's to your credit that you are trying to keep your family together, but it really is out of your hands. I will pray for your family, and for your future vocation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Prayers for you and yours. You aren't responsible for fixing your family, by the way. In fact, you can't fix them. This is a crummy thing. In fact, I'm not sure what's worse, struggling and feeling frustrated trying to make things better, or realizing that we are helpless where this is concerned. But there is peace in understanding that I am only responsible for myself. Prayers for you and yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InHisLove726 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 (edited) I've been going through some of the same stuff in my family. All you can really do is pray. Spend time in front of the Eucharist and ask Jesus to guide you in your present situation. You can't put off your vocation to try to "solve" your parents' problems. Your dad has to want to change. Nothing can make him change but himself. I think reading these FAQs from [url="http://www.vocation.com/"]http://www.vocation.com/[/url] will help you: [url="http://www.vocation.com/content-fgzk.htm"]http://www.vocation.com/content-fgzk.htm[/url] And remember, God will never give you more than you can handle. Your parents situation may or may not change before you leave. You can't stop that. What you can do is respond to God's call and pray that your parents will appreciate your active witness and come around. You are not abandoning your parents. I can only imagine that your prayers and reparations in the convent will be helping them. You are in my prayers, FutureNunJMJ. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you. God bless! Edited March 19, 2009 by InHisLove726 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carmelitess Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. Your situation with your dad sounds so like mine in the recent past, and I really feel for you! Everyone gave you great advice. You can't change him, and it isn't your responsibility to try. You seem as if you have done more than your share, anyway. InHisLove was right---your dad needs to want to change, and if he doesn't, he won't. All you can do is pray that the Lord will give him a fabulous conversion of heart. I'm going to pray for that. May God bless and keep you, always, Margaret Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
puellapaschalis Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Prayers. No-one's family is perfect. Don't think that God will necessarily use you to "sort it out" before you leave; your task may simply be to get the ball rolling - and from your point of view that may only be an incremental change. But rest assured - although it sounds like you already know this - Our Lord is already doing great things through you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadowedseraph Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Many prayers, i have no advice to offer that hasnt been offered before, so just my prayers for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AccountDeleted Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Your family has been going on this way for many years, and it may be many more years before things get better (if they ever do). My brother asked for my help with his family situation two years ago -- today the same situation still exists, and is even worse, if that is possible. I keep praying for him, and trying to have the patience of St Monica for St Augustine. Each person is given their own cross to bear, and the ones that your Mom and Dad have are not yours. As a child of their relationship, you have done everything you can in honoring them both. But it is their responsibility (both of them) to fix what is broken - not yours. Your loving heart shows your compassion for them all - now let God (who loves them even more than you do) take care of things. Prayer is the strongest force on earth -- continue to discern your vocation, and keep your family in your prayers. This is the best help you can give them. We are all praying for you too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kavalamyself Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Good advice already given. I will pray for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmaD2006 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 [quote name='Lilllabettt' post='1811058' date='Mar 18 2009, 11:07 PM']Prayers for you and yours. You aren't responsible for fixing your family, by the way. In fact, you can't fix them. This is a crummy thing. In fact, I'm not sure what's worse, struggling and feeling frustrated trying to make things better, or realizing that we are helpless where this is concerned. But there is peace in understanding that I am only responsible for myself. Prayers for you and yours.[/quote] Prayers too from here .... Sometimes we think that we can fix our family ... that's a big lie. Only God can fix the family (He is the only Savior), and we shouldn't put ourselves in His place. And yes our only responsibility is ourselves. Its a difficult situation. I've been in that position lots of times. And its hard to back away and simply place the family in His hands. Blessings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piccoli Fiori JMJ Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Thank you for all your advice and counsel. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help and pray for me. I understand that my family is not perfect, nor will ever be (until heaven...). I just wish that things were better. I know that I cannot make them change, they have to choose it themselves. I have been praying for my family (but it never seems like I pray enough) and for the conversion of their hearts. I have been praying for my dad for so long just because it would be so wonderful to have him become a Catholic! He has no faith and seemingly no moral compass. My dad seems like he wants to change, though. He asked me what he could do to make things better. It's just so hard to talk to him face to face. I will air some 'grievances' through a letter or something, but I don't have the courage to do it face to face. At least right now I don't. I am not going to let this situation hold me back from following my call either. I understand that I am only being asked to get things started. I am not going to hang around to see an end result. It's just so difficult to see my family suffer as well. Thank you InHisLove for the link. It was reassuring that I am not the only one in this kind of situation. I must keep moving forward towards Christ, for He is my only goal and salvation. I hope and pray that all will be well. A sense of peace has been restored. Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it all sooooo much! [quote name=''Mark 10:29-30'']Jesus said, "Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come.[/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InHisLove726 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 [quote name='FutureNunJMJ' post='1812341' date='Mar 20 2009, 01:50 PM']Thank you for all your advice and counsel. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help and pray for me. I understand that my family is not perfect, nor will ever be (until heaven...). I just wish that things were better. I know that I cannot make them change, they have to choose it themselves. I have been praying for my family (but it never seems like I pray enough) and for the conversion of their hearts. I have been praying for my dad for so long just because it would be so wonderful to have him become a Catholic! He has no faith and seemingly no moral compass. My dad seems like he wants to change, though. He asked me what he could do to make things better. It's just so hard to talk to him face to face. I will air some 'grievances' through a letter or something, but I don't have the courage to do it face to face. At least right now I don't. I am not going to let this situation hold me back from following my call either. I understand that I am only being asked to get things started. I am not going to hang around to see an end result. It's just so difficult to see my family suffer as well. Thank you InHisLove for the link. It was reassuring that I am not the only one in this kind of situation. I must keep moving forward towards Christ, for He is my only goal and salvation. I hope and pray that all will be well. A sense of peace has been restored. Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it all sooooo much![/quote] I'm very happy for you that you feel better. May God continue to give you His peace. I love that quote from Scripture. God bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiscerningSoul Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 My father sounds like your father in terms of the cleaning thing, in fact my father is a pack rat and throws nothing away. I also felt like I had to take care of things, but people around me told "he's an adult and can care for himself" it was hard for me to move in with my mom, but it was the right thing to do for me. On a positive note about my own dad is that he does goto Mass and even works at the church, its really wonderful to have a father and uncle for that matter with the keys to the church! When I was younger my father was more worried about me having a job then my vocation, it did hold me back but I feel everything happens in "God's time" not my own. I am happy that both my parents have accepted the fact of my vocation and let God's Will be done! Prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sister Rose Therese Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 I'll pray for your family. That is a really tough situation to be in. I'm afraid that even if you have some really good advice for your father, he is unlikely to take it from his daughter. But it does sound like he needs some help. I have heard some good things about the Retrouvaille weekends. There is one coming up in Rockford around the end of June. [url="http://www.retrouvaille.org/"]http://www.retrouvaille.org/[/url] I don't if that is something you or someone could get them to try, but it might be worth a shot. God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piccoli Fiori JMJ Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 (edited) Please pray for my parents. They both took spring break off and tempers will be flaring. My mother feels like its the end of the world and nothing will get done and my dad didn't tell us until tonight before he went to bed. I was hoping too that he would have still been at work as there is much that needs to be done that it is very difficult to do with a very nosy, albeit lazy dad always butting in when you just wish they would go away! Thanks Sister Rose Therese for your advice. It will be very difficult to get my mom to do anything with any semblance of counseling. She is a very private person and tends to internalize these things and would never consider divorce either. Divorce would just be too much work for my dad as it seems he is at a happy medium. I think the first step is somehow getting my dad to do something. I appreciate your suggestion though. Thanks for the prayers. I need to get out of my house... Edited March 23, 2009 by FutureNunJMJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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