Guarding Your Heart

[puellapaschalis]

A few days ago I came across [url="http://isthismodest.com/2009/03/11/guard-your-heart/"]this blog post[/url], written on a website that talks about (Christian) modesty in many different aspects by a stay at home mother.

I think that the authoress is a Protestant, and hence she doesn't mention vocational states in life other than marriage, but I think - at least for ladies - we could include a religious vocation in suitable places in the article without much difficulty. Personally I find this quite a sensible and rather touching article, and I'm interested as to whether others on VS have similar reactions to it.

Another aspect that this might tie in to is the question of whether people should "by default" consider a celibate/priestly/religious vocation, and also whether one should date/have boy- or girlfriends/[differing terminology is a big problem here] before doing so. To what extent can one have a romantic relationship with someone whilst still "guarding one's heart"?

[Maria Faustina]

Wow. That was a great blog post. It really is inspiring. I believe it is the role of all Catholics to at least consider the vocation of the priesthood or religious life.

As far as "guarding your heart", you have to use prayer and common sense. Would you give your most prized possesion to someone you just happened to run into on the street? No. For discerners, do you start telling everyone about your vocation the first time you consider it? No.

There are some things you can tell your boyfriend/girlfriend without giving too much. You have to trust them, but also pray about it. If you don't trust them with your life, don't tell them a secret. And as far as a physical relationship, use common sense. Don't get soo far in that you can't climb back out, like going too far while kissing or hugging. You have to have integrity and be completely whole to be in any relationship, because you can't give away what you don't have. Respect for yourself is extremely important, and have boundaries for a lot of things.

And as far as someone having to have been in a romantic relationship before discerning, I don't think it is a definite requirement. I've liked guys before and they've liked me, but nothing ever got started, mostly because I didn't want it to. I do realllyy love guys because they are a lot of fun to be with, but I know that if I dated while discerning, I would cause myself extreme confusion. I pretty much have decided not to date unless I am very sure that I do not have a religious vocation. Some others may be able to handle both, but don't think I would work out in the end. It all depends on your soul and your spiritual relationship with Christ.

The best advice I could give to anyone about dating and religious life is to really think about it. Not just pondering about it, but listing out the pros and cons. You want to cause yourself the least amount of confusion possible, so think before you act. Soo many problems can be eliminated if you think about it. If you cannot come to a conclusion about it on your own, pray about it. Have lots of patience and pray.

[CatherineM]

I had a priest tell me that the best Catholic spouses are those that have at least considered a religious vocation. My husband and I both had, and it is nice to know that we each seriously discerned our present vocation rather than just falling into it.

[puellapaschalis]

[quote name='Maria Faustina' post='1805334' date='Mar 13 2009, 03:00 AM']And as far as someone having to have been in a romantic relationship before discerning, I don't think it is a definite requirement. I've liked guys before and they've liked me, but nothing ever got started, mostly because I didn't want it to. I do realllyy love guys because they are a lot of fun to be with, but I know that if I dated while discerning, I would cause myself extreme confusion. I pretty much have decided not to date unless I am very sure that I do not have a religious vocation. Some others may be able to handle both, but don't think I would work out in the end. It all depends on your soul and your spiritual relationship with Christ.[/quote]

I'm beginning to shift to the opinion that not only should one not date whilst discerning, but that one shouldn't date before having seriously discerned the priestly/religious life - unless one is and has always been very positive that one is called to marriage (which is, I think, not as common as it might seem).

I don't think that the dating experience is "necessary" to discernment at all: this may sound hopelessly idealistic, but there's something quite lovely in the idea that someone [i]first[/i] seeks out what [i]Christ[/i] wants for him, including the serious possibility that Christ wants him [i]for Himself[/i]. It's most definitely not what the modern world calls "wisdom" - in fact this bites its thumb at it - and it is a tall order, but it does seem to show the kind of gentle radicality that seems to be asked of us, especially in these times.

Even in "practical" terms - keeping the article in mind - dating whilst one has even a hint of a different vocation seems so [i]risky[/i], especially in the late teens to mid-twenties age range. It's hard to be in a relationship like that and not give at least a part of one's heart away, which afterwards doesn't come back. Then one "has less" to offer to God later - of course God can work miracles with whatever is given to Him - but isn't there going to be at least a small twinge of regret at not trusting Christ enough to be blazen and offer Him everything? Give Him "first pick," as it were?

Anyway, this post should stop here (I'm waffling) and I need to pack. I hope others will chime in

[Mari Therese]

I agree with what y'all said. Guarding your heart isn't limited to vocations. It made me think about how important it is to guard your heart everyday, practicing 'custody of the senses'. For example, not watching bad movies, listening to certain types of music, reading immoral magazines etc.

[osapientia]

[quote name='puellapaschalis' post='1805698' date='Mar 13 2009, 01:37 AM']Even in "practical" terms - keeping the article in mind - dating whilst one has even a hint of a different vocation seems so [i]risky[/i], especially in the late teens to mid-twenties age range. It's hard to be in a relationship like that and not give at least a part of one's heart away, which afterwards doesn't come back. Then one "has less" to offer to God later - of course God can work miracles with whatever is given to Him - but isn't there going to be at least a small twinge of regret at not trusting Christ enough to be blazen and offer Him everything? Give Him "first pick," as it were?

Anyway, this post should stop here (I'm waffling) and I need to pack. I hope others will chime in [/quote]

I haven't yet read the blog post you mention, Puella....but I shall and then comment further perhaps. For now I wanted to respond to this portion of your thoughts.

I think there is another way to look at this subject as well. For instance, for me....truly loving someone (this doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic love) opens the heart more to God and in the end doesn't give us less to offer but more for having had the experience of truly loving. Now I know this does not account for the other aspects of romantic love, so perhaps I need to process this more, but I think this at least has possibilities for real experience.

Another thought comes to me from a quite unlikely place - a song sung (perhaps written as well) by Carly Simon (can't remember the title)....there is a line that says:

"So don't mind if I fall apart, there's more room in a broken heart".

I have found this to be true. In my semi-long life <smile> I have had my heart broken by a number of experiences......metaphorically speaking there was created more space "between the pieces" borken apart - whenever I have responded to the Grace to fill those spaces with God, the opportunity to be more loving....the more love in the heart, the more I had to give to God.

Now far be it from me to suggest that ANYONE go out "willy nilly" and look to have their heart broken or engage in relationships SIMPLY to create this kind of opportunity...that could be spiritually and emotionally dangerous....still when the opportunity presents itself - loving (and perhaps losing that love) can often make the heart more available to God rather than less.

It doesn't always happen, but it can and does and it can be quite beautiful. I guess I would say, don't look for this particular "cross" but if it comes your way, carry it - God will be faithful.

Pax

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Mari Therese' post='1805929' date='Mar 13 2009, 10:12 AM']I agree with what y'all said. Guarding your heart isn't limited to vocations. It made me think about how important it is to guard your heart everyday, practicing 'custody of the senses'. For example, not watching bad movies, listening to certain types of music, reading immoral magazines etc.[/quote]

I used to say the purity prayer every day, and an important part was, "Protect my eyes, the windows of my soul, from anything that might dim the luster of a heart that must mirror only Christlike purity." I very much practiced that diligently. I refused to watch movies, or fast forwarded through those parts.

[Luigi]

I guess, too, it depends on what you mean by "dating." An exclusive relationship with one other person? Or going out with a variety of people to a variety of places and activities?

Another consideration here is what kind of vocation you're discerning. Experiencing a wide variety of people and kinds of relationships will probably make one a better active religious. If you are aiming at the cloister or monastery - whether male or female - then dating (in the sense of a variety of people & activities) might not make much difference one way or another. But if you're aiming at active religious life or an active priestly ministry, then dating may be beneficial. You might be able to relate better to the problems people bring into counseling, and perhaps you're more used to dealing with people of the opposite sex.

I don't think dating is absolutely essential as a point of comparison during discernment - after all, we all have siblings & friends who date, and we can learn a lot from observation - but I don't see anything wrong with dating, depending on the definition.

[elizabeth09]

if you just guard Your Heart for one person that you choose, then the least you have to lose.

[puellapaschalis]

[quote name='elizabeth09' post='1810501' date='Mar 18 2009, 04:27 PM']if you just guard Your Heart for one person that you choose, then the least you have to lose.[/quote]

Agreed, although I'd say that's the "negative" reason for doing it; the flip side of the beauty of giving your entire self, your undivided heart (from the past as well as the present and the future) to Christ.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='puellapaschalis' post='1810530' date='Mar 18 2009, 09:51 AM']Agreed, although I'd say that's the "negative" reason for doing it; the flip side of the beauty of giving your entire self, your undivided heart (from the past as well as the present and the future) to Christ.[/quote]

I'm with you here. When one is totally and completely in love then it is a lot easier to view any other attractions (however slight or innocent-seeming) as temptations, and to ignore them. God's love fills and consumes the soul, and anything less than that love is pretty pathetic besides it!

When Jesus was tempted, there was no hesitation for Him to say "No" to fame or power or even to testing His Father's love. We can have no better example for how to guard our hearts than His.

As for the "broken heart" theory - there are enough ways for this life to give one a broken heart without seeking out any more! Just my two cents worth.

[elizabeth09]

Agreed, with both of you!

[osapientia]

[quote name='nunsense' post='1810576' date='Mar 18 2009, 02:22 PM']As for the "broken heart" theory - there are enough ways for this life to give one a broken heart without seeking out any more! Just my two cents worth.[/quote]


I did not intend to propose a "theory" of any kind, rather it was my intention only to state my own experience. Having had the types of experiences I spoke of has richly blessed my spiritual life and contributed to my growth as a person - particularly regarding relationships with others, which I regard as extremely important to living well as a religious (especially a cloistered religious).

I believe I said that one should not go out and seek the experience but that if it presented itself, one could do well to walk through it, as God would be faithful.

Pax
*edited for typo

Edited March 18, 2009 by osapientia

[puellapaschalis]

[quote name='osapientia' post='1810824' date='Mar 18 2009, 11:35 PM']I did not intend to propose a "theory" of any kind, rather it was my intention only to state my own experience. Having had the types of experiences I spoke of has richly blessed my spiritual life and contributed to my growth as a person - particularly regarding relationships with others, which I regard as extremely important to living well as a religious (especially a cloistered religious).

I believe I said that one should not go out and seek the experience but that if it presented itself, one could do well to walk through it, as God would be faithful.

Pax
*edited for typo[/quote]

Yup, that's how I read your post too, OSap

My heart's been broken a few times in my life. Now and then I wonder (I hope I keep it to healthy levels) how much of that heartbreak was really necessary to bring me closer to Christ. There's no use in picking apart the past, but it gives me cause for reflection sometimes.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='osapientia' post='1810824' date='Mar 18 2009, 03:35 PM']I did not intend to propose a "theory" of any kind, rather it was my intention only to state my own experience. Having had the types of experiences I spoke of has richly blessed my spiritual life and contributed to my growth as a person - particularly regarding relationships with others, which I regard as extremely important to living well as a religious (especially a cloistered religious).

I believe I said that one should not go out and seek the experience but that if it presented itself, one could do well to walk through it, as God would be faithful.

Pax
*edited for typo[/quote]

I was perhaps being a bit too flip - which is a dangerous thing online because there are only the written words, and communication is difficult enough without tone or body language.

I doubt that there is anyone who has been preserved totally without heartbreak in this life, and as you point out, it can be an occasion for drawing closer to God (although not in all people in all cases).

Loving someone isn't usually the problem though - it is our expectations of the other person that usually cause some kind of heartache when things don't work out the way we want or hope or expect. If we could love the way that Jesus did, through total giving of self, then whatever happened, we would still be heart whole for God.

There are just so many different angles to look at things.