College Roomates, Catholicism, And You

[eagle_eye222001]

You know the world is bad. You are taught the evil and sin of committing certain acts.

Then one day, you are at college, and you see it happen right before your eyes.


So one of my roommates has a girlfriend. Fine. I mean, that's okay. She has hung out before, although not that many times when I have been around. Don't have a problem with her hanging out sometimes during the weekend. However, this time, about midnight, I realize she is spending the night there and sleeping with her boyfriend whose bed begins right at the end of mine.

A unique situation I have never encountered or thought would happen to me. Much less given no warning about it.

I let it slide that time as they had already gone to sleep kind of. Although sometime today, I intend to tell him point blank I don't want any visitors spending the night in our dorm room when I am around.

I ended up sleeping in the study room on the dorm floor although neither of my roommates know that as I was up before them. I am not looking for a pat on the back or brownie points, however, I though it would be worthwhile to look at this as a moral scenario. Also I would like to hear your stories on interesting, unique, or shocking to you at least, moral sitautions that have arisen in college dorms. I guess you can expand this to sharing an apartment with someone else or something along those lines. Also feel free to comment on my situation. I'm curious on what you think a real Catholic should do. Just to remind, I will be talking to to my roommate and will not be asking him to not bring his girlfriend over for the night but rather telling him not to. Although there might be a weird liberal rule that allows that....but I'm going to guess no and not let him get away with this as it is violating my room and privacy.

Oh, and of course this guy is "Catholic." He [b]only disagrees[/b] with the Church on being required to go to mass weekly, abortion is okay when their is no brain waves, and he is okay with contraception, stem cells, homosexuality, and I am probably missing something else. And sadly, he sees this as no big deal. Sorry but had to rant a bit.

Oh, and to complicate this and make my roommate hate me even more, he recently came up with a 5 page paper on how the Bible was neutral on homosexuality He posted it in Facebook (hint, hint) and I have responded. It wasn't hard to refute. So far he hasn't said anything to me about my comments but I know he has seen them. I overheard his girlfriend telling him he needs to make his case stronger.

So all this is happening in a span of two days. Being an active Catholic is definitly not about being a popularity contest.

I post this because I think it is important to relate stories of scandal and look at what we as Catholics need to do in response to these situations.

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Listening to: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/harry+gregson-williams/track/knighting+peter"]Harry Gregson-Williams - Knighting Peter[/url]
via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url]

[Oliver]

Im guessing you go to catholic college/uni right? Well I dont, and this is actually my first year at university so im at dorms too. I've had flat mates having sex in there dorms where I could actually hear them, I usually just put my headphones in and listen to music. Im relevatively chilled out about it since everyone here is trying live up the college life.

I would suggest talking to him and trying to find a way where your both happy.

Edited February 21, 2009 by Oliver

[CatherineM]

When I went to college, we had all girl dorms, and guys had to be out at 11pm. They were pretty good about enforcing it in the girl dorms. When people wanted to spend the night, they did it at the guy's dorms. They pretty much didn't care what happened in the guy's dorm as long as they didn't catch it on fire. We actually had an all night party over there once. Kind of weird.

My roommate was Methodist. I couldn't find anyone else to go to church with me, so invited her. She went at first, then said we should take turns at her church, and very quickly, my weeks never seemed to come around. I finally got used to going to church by myself. That may seem strange, but before college, I had never been to church by myself before.

[melporcristo]

JMJT

Wow ... I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I know you're not the only one in this dilemma. I can think of a few people who I've talked to this year who are freshman in college and dealing with these exact problems.

I was never in that exact situation, but at the school I went to only for a few quarters, I lived in a co-ed floor and our neighbors were very immoral. My roommate was a very lax Catholic but we'd have some pretty good conversations about the faith. I made it clear that out of respect, I didn't want guys staying in our room. I think I even told her at some point I felt weird having guys in our room all the time. That probably made her upset but she respected my space.

With roommates, whether they share the same views as you or not, communication is key. But also pray about this situation and pray whether God is calling you to share a room with someone who has such opposing views as you. Being in college and being away from family, you should have friends that are going to hold you accountable and help you pursue holiness. Pray about what will lead you to conversion and what will ultimately get you to heaven.

I'll be praying for you!

In Christ,
Melissa

[princessgianna]

:scream:um... that was not a "good" scream

That is horrible!!! That is ugh sickening!!! I feel so sorry for you!

Ugh that smells of elderberries!

Well all i can offer is a ear to listen and prayers



gina~

[LouisvilleFan]

It's rare that randomly placed dorm roommates actually get along. Most people just make the best of whatever situation they're forced into, make the sacrifices while trying to draw a line somewhere (though not everyone respects that... some people are just plain jerks), and plan on finding better roommates for the future. That doesn't mean you can't be friends and have fun. I wouldn't expect him to actually listen to your arguments about Catholicism until he's ready.

[Mari Therese]

In my first year, I caught my roomate and her BF, having sex while I was sleeping (I heard later that it wasn't the first time). I was FURIOUS! I waited a few days to cool off, then I calmly talked to my roomate and her BF about what had happened. I explained that I was not comfortable with them doing that when I was in the same room, and I added that I expect them to act as adults, to respect my moral values, and wait till I was gone. My roomate refused to admit that she was even having sex, spent the following three days in her BF's room, and did not talk to me for a week. Her boyfriend on the other hand was decent, he apologized, and there was never a problem after that. They made their own arrangments.

If you are paying to live in a space, you should be comfortable because it is your home. Don't expect people to act in the way that you think they should. It doesn't hurt to say something, hopefully a mutual decision can be met. The next time that you live with someone, it is advisable to set the household rules before you run into problems.

[rose wrought of iron]

You mean you stayed in the study room?

The guy is "Catholic?" I think he needs to start rethinking some things...

Prayers.

[MissyP89]

I'm going to have an apartment at school starting in September, and am hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. I remember very well when BG was in undergrad and I could hear his suitemates having sex while we were on the phone...

[tinytherese]

I suggest praying to St. Ignatius of Loyola. His roommate and him didn't get along at first and his roommate was a catholic but a man of the world. Over time though they became close friends and his roommate eventually converted. He is now known as St. Francis Xavier. Perhaps overtime his heart will change and he may become an authentic catholic through your prayers and example.

[lost_in_this_world]

well my freshman year one of my three roommates had a boyfriend that wasnt so good for her and he hated me. i actually heard him threaten me and then claim he wasnt talkign about me. it was almost amusing. but then he stopped being mean. if ur not mean to mean then i wont be mean to you and i still think he controlled her way too much but we somewhat began getting along. anyway its always something. then sophomore year it was sad to see my roommates do so much for the attention of the guys across the hall. partying every night of the week and giving them whatever they wanted. i moved in during the winter tri and i definitely stood up for myself like always but they didnt and it was sad.

every one is different and its college

[BG45]

I had a "Catholic" RA I roomed with for two years, Missy can tell all sorts of stories about being on the other end of the phone with me living with him. He had frequent sex with condoms with his "Catholic" girlfriend on her birth control pills all the time in our suite. I once was watching Mass for Life in D.C. and had to turn up the volume to drown them out.

[eagle_eye222001]

[quote name='Oliver' post='1787465' date='Feb 21 2009, 05:24 PM']Im guessing you go to catholic college/uni right? Well I dont, and this is actually my first year at university so im at dorms too. I've had flat mates having sex in there dorms where I could actually hear them, I usually just put my headphones in and listen to music. Im relevatively chilled out about it since everyone here is trying live up the college life.

I would suggest talking to him and trying to find a way where your both happy.[/quote]

No, it's a public university. But that shouldn't mean anything actually. If people are in another room...well yes headphones work. But I am in my own room and am not going to just ignore the ....... Also, my roommate did not ask me if it was okay to have his girlfriend over for the night.....just kinda came and stayed and I didn't figure it out till they were about fallen asleep. I mean, they were getting in bed together at like 7 PM.....I assumed she would leave later...but they watched a movie, went on the internet and slept and really did not go to sleep till I realized that the girl was staying.

I guess my biggest problem is that the girl was spending the whole night. If she was just there in the evening.....I would not have made a deal about it. They could sleep together during the evening....just not the whole night and disrupt my privacy.

I don't think my roommate actually had sex..tried to pay as little attention as possible when I was in there and he was in his bed with his girlfriend.

Well, the thing is, is that I should be able to change in my own room. I paid an equal share in the rent of the room and should not have to resort to changing in the bathroom. Also my bed ends where his begins. So I am fairly close to this girl. really, really awkward Also, where my desk his, his bed is right behind me. Still can't just ignore it. It's not that I walk around without a shirt or anything, it's just the idea that a girl is all of sudden taking up residence in a room that I am paying for and share without asking my permission.


[quote name='melporcristo' post='1787478' date='Feb 21 2009, 06:28 PM']JMJT

Wow ... I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I know you're not the only one in this dilemma. I can think of a few people who I've talked to this year who are freshman in college and dealing with these exact problems.

I was never in that exact situation, but at the school I went to only for a few quarters, I lived in a co-ed floor and our neighbors were very immoral. My roommate was a very lax Catholic but we'd have some pretty good conversations about the faith. I made it clear that out of respect, I didn't want guys staying in our room. I think I even told her at some point I felt weird having guys in our room all the time. That probably made her upset but she respected my space.

With roommates, whether they share the same views as you or not, communication is key. But also pray about this situation and pray whether God is calling you to share a room with someone who has such opposing views as you. Being in college and being away from family, you should have friends that are going to hold you accountable and help you pursue holiness. Pray about what will lead you to conversion and what will ultimately get you to heaven.

I'll be praying for you!

In Christ,
Melissa[/quote]

Thanks. It was an only-boys floor...but still. I get along with these two in that they are fairly quiet most of the time and they really do not bother me at all. We hold different viewpoints on religion and politics....but so far this semester we have gotten along. I didn't choose these people...didn't have any say in the matter. Honestly I would be worried about getting worse roommates if I switched, as they are pretty decent people really.


[quote name='princessgianna' post='1787481' date='Feb 21 2009, 06:40 PM']:scream:um... that was not a "good" scream

That is horrible!!! That is ugh sickening!!! I feel so sorry for you!

Ugh that smells of elderberries!

Well all i can offer is a ear to listen and prayers



gina~[/quote]

Thank you.

[quote name='LouisvilleFan' post='1787511' date='Feb 21 2009, 07:48 PM']It's rare that randomly placed dorm roommates actually get along. Most people just make the best of whatever situation they're forced into, make the sacrifices while trying to draw a line somewhere (though not everyone respects that... some people are just plain jerks), and plan on finding better roommates for the future. That doesn't mean you can't be friends and have fun. I wouldn't expect him to actually listen to your arguments about Catholicism until he's ready.[/quote]

I don't think he will and I don't expect him too. People rarely really listen to others viewpoints on religion and politics. I do get along with these people with everything else...I really can't complain beyond this girlfriend issue.

[quote name='Mari Therese' post='1787532' date='Feb 21 2009, 08:16 PM']In my first year, I caught my roomate and her BF, having sex while I was sleeping (I heard later that it wasn't the first time). I was FURIOUS! I waited a few days to cool off, then I calmly talked to my roomate and her BF about what had happened. I explained that I was not comfortable with them doing that when I was in the same room, and I added that I expect them to act as adults, to respect my moral values, and wait till I was gone. My roomate refused to admit that she was even having sex, spent the following three days in her BF's room, and did not talk to me for a week. Her boyfriend on the other hand was decent, he apologized, and there was never a problem after that. They made their own arrangments.

If you are paying to live in a space, you should be comfortable because it is your home. Don't expect people to act in the way that you think they should. It doesn't hurt to say something, hopefully a mutual decision can be met. The next time that you live with someone, it is advisable to set the household rules before you run into problems.[/quote]

The idea of someone bringing their girlfriend into a dorm room and both getting into one bed in the sight of two other roommates is something so shocking to me, I actually did not know what to do for about 20 minutes. I mean, this is a situation I never imagined....wouldn't people have the decency to plan this around others? I guess not.

[quote name='rose wrought of iron' post='1787565' date='Feb 21 2009, 09:22 PM']You mean you stayed in the study room?

The guy is "Catholic?" I think he needs to start rethinking some things...

Prayers. [/quote]

Yes. And got 6 hours of sleep surprisingly. Not good sleep mind you. My bed would have been a lot more comfortable and as an official member of the room, I should not lose my privacy without at least negotiation and communication between roommates.

What is disgusting is that he sees all his conflicts with Catholicism as minor. He offers no real rational for his different stances other than "I just think...." Makes no attempt at really backing his opinions up. Even if he does, such as the abortion issue with brain waves, he still ignores 2000 years of Church teaching.


[quote name='MissyP89' post='1787571' date='Feb 21 2009, 09:30 PM']I'm going to have an apartment at school starting in September, and am hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. I remember very well when BG was in undergrad and I could hear his suitemates having sex while we were on the phone...[/quote]

Shudder.


Well, after my roommate and his girlfriend finished watching a DVD about 3 PM today, he went to the bathroom and on his way back to the room I intercepted him and asked him if having his girlfriend over for the night was a common occurrence. He said no. I then asked if his girlfriend was spending tonight here. He said no. By this time, we were back in the room and his girlfriend caught the end of the conversation.

I proceeded to tell him very formally and seriously that I did not appreciate him having his girlfriend over without asking me. . He said it slipped his mind. I then said I did not want any visitors spending the night while I was there. I was careful to not open the discussion into a negotiation format as I felt my position was fair in that I just did not want her spending the night. Within the words, I was careful to imply that she could still visit and come over, just not spend the night.

The look of shock on my roommates and girlfriend's face was complete shock. I'm sure I caught them completely by surprise. They were also both in bed at this point again adding more irony to the situation.

I then paused and then my roommate asked me why. I again firmly stated that as a paying member of this room, I did not want any visitors period while I was there. My roommate asked me if his girlfriend had bothered me. I reiterated that it had nothing to do personally with his girlfriend....I just didn't want visitors spending the night, period, end of discussion. I also figured they could spend the night together when I was home.....just not while I was there. And then turned and went back on my computer. Right after that, I felt like I was about to puke so I grabbed my cell phone, jacket and shoes, and walked out the door and talked to my sister and related the story.

After a long call, I was back and his girlfriend was about finished packing to leave. Pretty sure the girlfriend was going to be leaving about then anyway, but it was still ironic how it turned out.

They didn't mention anything else. I think the matter is settled. I made my point and didn't bother going into long explanations why I valued privacy. He had intruded on mine to begin with and he should have consulted with me in advance at the least. We have talked since then, so I don't think he really really hates me.....just ticked off maybe.

I guess I felt it was scandalous for me to sleep in a room where a GF and BF are sleeping together.....just wrong. I wasn't comfortable with it so I made it politely clear and said I did not want overnight visitors. Way I left it, they can get in bed during the evening or something. But as long as she doesn't spend the night, I'll deal with it.


Sorry to ramble on. Really unique situation that I needed to vent out and we as Catholics should not have to be losing our privacy without prior arrangement. Also it was difficult to face out my roommate. Don't like creating enemies.....but I'm not going to let his gf ruin my nighttime sleep.

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Listening to: [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/artist/montgomery+gentry/track/speed"]Montgomery Gentry - Speed[/url]
via [url="http://www.foxytunes.com/signatunes/"]FoxyTunes[/url]

[tinytherese]

All in all that didn't go as bad as it could have. He didn't start angrily lashing out at you or anything like that. Perhpas after spending time thinking about it he'll understand your point of view and accept it.

[HisChildForever]

I only dormed for one semester, at my first college. My roommate was a sweetheart, make no mistake, and I took her to be a pretty active Catholic (by "active" I mean attending prayer groups and whatnot). She began to date a boy who lived on the first floor, and I cannot count the times when I went into our room and they were both making out on the bed. Even if I lingered they did not get the point and rudely continued. Sometimes I would be alone in our room, they would come in, get on her bed, and start making out. I found that worse than my happening in on their "private time." I would just go next door and chill out with our neighbors. Over time, a lot of the girls on our floor complained to the RA because the boyfriend spent a weekend in our room (I was at home, thank goodness). I believe our RA said something to her about it, because from that point on my roommate would spend the night down in HIS room. His roommate did not appreciate it but let it be.