I'm Afraid

[Lilllabettt]

So, I'll most likely be taking this medicine for the rest of my life. If you take it and get pregnant, there will almost certainly be serious birth defects. What they recommend is, you use two forms of artificial contraception and adopt if you want kids.

This news does not upset me at all. I have no strong desire to have kids, biologically "my own." I won't use contraception of course, so its hard to see how I could be married. But I don't have any strong desire to be married, either.

It's not that I don't like children. I'm a nanny by golly. But there's no drive in me to have some that are particularly mine. Taking care of other people's children seems just as well to me. And its not that I don't like boys. They're fun, I dated some in high school, and certainly haven't experienced any big trauma to make me swear off them. But I have no desire to be attached to one man in a special way. Actually, the prospect is boring as a box of rocks.

Chastity is not a big issue for me. I have normal attractions/hormones, I guess. But these temptations as far as they are temptations, are not very strong. And celibacy does not seem like a huge sacrifice. I mean, I think physical intimacy is nice. But its just not that impressive a golden ring to me. It's nice. But ... boring.

Boring is not the right word. Unsatisfying is a better word.

My SD says: well, seems pretty clear at this juncture that God isn't calling you to marriage. But sometimes I wonder if it isn't something more. I wonder if I'm not messed up some way. I remember reading somewhere that when Mother Angelica was founding her communities, she said to the new recruits: if any of you don't want to have a family, leave now.

Which to me means that the desire to have a family is an important part of being well-adjusted, normal, good human formation, etc.

Edited December 22, 2008 by Lilllabettt

[CatherineM]

I was on ace inhibitors before I got married, which is fetal toxic. Even though I was over 40, and didn't think I could get pregnant (and boy was I wrong about that), I changed to a calcium channel blocker which is what they give pregnant women who develop gestational high blood pressure. If I hadn't asked my doctor if there was an alternative, because she started immediately talking about birth control, I might have been responsible for something terrible.

[MithLuin]

I do not think you are 'messed up' to have no strong desire for a family of your own. I am in my late 20s, have a beautiful baby niece and many friends with families, but it does not bother me that I am single and may never be a Mom. I think it is important to recognize that marriage and family life are [i]good[/i] things - if you hated the very idea of having kids, I'd be worried.

But if you don't have any strong desire for that right now? Nope, not a problem.

[InHisLove726]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' post='1733644' date='Dec 22 2008, 12:41 AM']So, I'll most likely be taking this medicine for the rest of my life. If you take it and get pregnant, there will almost certainly be serious birth defects. What they recommend is, you use two forms of artificial contraception and adopt if you want kids.

This news does not upset me at all. I have no strong desire to have kids, biologically "my own." I won't use contraception of course, so its hard to see how I could be married. But I don't have any strong desire to be married, either.

It's not that I don't like children. I'm a nanny by golly. But there's no drive in me to have some that are particularly mine. Taking care of other people's children seems just as well to me. And its not that I don't like boys. They're fun, I dated some in high school, and certainly haven't experienced any big trauma to make me swear off them. But I have no desire to be attached to one man in a special way. Actually, the prospect is boring as a box of rocks.

Chastity is not a big issue for me. I have normal attractions/hormones, I guess. But these temptations as far as they are temptations, are not very strong. And celibacy does not seem like a huge sacrifice. I mean, I think physical intimacy is nice. But its just not that impressive a golden ring to me. It's nice. But ... boring.

Boring is not the right word. Unsatisfying is a better word.

My SD says: well, seems pretty clear at this juncture that God isn't calling you to marriage. But sometimes I wonder if it isn't something more. I wonder if I'm not messed up some way. I remember reading somewhere that when Mother Angelica was founding her communities, she said to the new recruits: if any of you don't want to have a family, leave now.

Which to me means that the desire to have a family is an important part of being well-adjusted, normal, good human formation, etc.[/quote]

I don't think you are "messed up." I think you are perfectly normal, and you are trying to figure out, with the help of your spiritual director, where you are called in life. I would say that your head is on straight.

I used to want a full house of children with a good Catholic husband, but since I've been called to religious life, and a year before that, I lost the interest, so to speak. Dating, for me, is not satisfying, and I just find marriage to a human man uninteresting. I longed for something more. I knew that a human man would not complete me.

It's not that I hate children, because I don't, at all. And I will admit that there are sometimes when I see a baby and I start to get sad because I probably won't have any, but then Jesus comes in and tells me that even though I won't have any biological children, He is giving me the chance to be a spiritual mother to His children on earth! And that's better than anything I could have imagined!

I don't know if you are called to religious life, but it sounds as though you can strike out marriage for a good reason. Don't let that get you down. There are plenty of happily single people! And you can focus your time on Jesus instead of a husband! What a gift!

[LivingStone]

The opening words of Pope John Paul the Great's inaugural homily in 1978: "Be not afraid".

Trust in the Lord and where He's leading you. I will pray for your calling and for the great plans that our Lord has for you.

[philothea]

You sound perfectly well-adjusted to me.

[osapientia]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' post='1733644' date='Dec 22 2008, 01:41 AM']I wonder if I'm not messed up some way. I remember reading somewhere that when Mother Angelica was founding her communities, she said to the new recruits: if any of you don't want to have a family, leave now.

Which to me means that the desire to have a family is an important part of being well-adjusted, normal, good human formation, etc.[/quote]

I'd encourage you not to take Mother Angelica's statement out of context or as a "stand alone". I'm sure she said more than just that one comment and I'm sure it had a context and further explanation. If I were in the room with her, I probably would not have taken her intent to be "married family" but rather simpy "famiy". I know that in these days there is the tendencey (and the point is well taken) to refute the position of the curtural and religious "far left" by defining "family" as a married (one woman, one man) couple and their children but I think we must be careful not to be scrupulous or uncharitable in doing so. Single people have families too....they are just not married families.

In the cloister one lives very close to other people. In fact, unless one joins a community with an eremetical aspect/spirituality, there is very little time spent completely alone. You may be silent, you may be praying, but in most cases you're not doing it alone. The Trappists/tines even do Lectio Divina together - silently but in the same place.

Even the language of religious life is family oriented - Mother, Father, sister, brother.....

One of my favorite definitions of a monk is a person who goes to God alone- in the company of others - their family. I'm sure that's the larger point Mother Angelica was trying to make in her clever way.

I don't think you're messed up at all....if I may be so bold, you just sound a little sad to me - which is perfectly normal.

Pax

[stlmom]

Agree with Osapientia above me here--you sound pretty normal, just sad about things that you didn't expect out of life so early on, having to take some pretty powerful meds to stay healthy and dealing with the side effects. I recall you posting here some time ago about having to leave religious life because of this illness, so that's probably still a source of sadness, too. God bless Mother Angelica, but you can't take her words out of context and apply them to yourself too quickly. Be gentle with yourself, Lillabett, your life story is still unfolding.

[Lilllabettt]

Wow, its that obvious, huh. You can tell, and I'm not even playing my tiny violin!

Yeah, I am a little sad. I'm finding out, Christmas can be a tough time for memories and that sort of thing.

I don't know if I have a religious vocation or not. I have that desire, and I was definitely happy as a Sister. I've talked to a few religious communities about my situation, and they've all been remarkably open/welcoming. I was surprised. Of course, I really do not want to go through this again. It is truly Yucky, capital Y. Right now it is hard for me to even consider taking that kind of risk. Maybe a year from now I'll have more courage to think about rolling the dice.

I hadn't considered that maybe Mother A was talking about other kinds of family, as opposed to just the nuclear one. That makes sense, because if you didn't want any kind of family, of course you shouldn't join a religious family.

[DameAgnes]

I agree with osapientia and stlmom - you sound perfectly well-adjusted to me, and I think Mother Angelica's comment meant more than having children.

I have two kids and I adore them and do wish (now) that I had had more - but I can't say having children was ever a driving need in my life.

Perhaps you are on this journey because you are being called to something very different from the conventions of either married or single life. I JUST THIS SECOND finished reading about this 23 year old woman who is about to be made the youngest consecrated virgin in the US:

[url="http://romancatholicvocations.blogspot.com/2008/12/prayerful-advocate.html"]http://romancatholicvocations.blogspot.com...l-advocate.html[/url]

Keep praying. Ask God what He wants of you. He WILL tell you.

God bless!

[Lilllabettt]

Thanks DA. What a lovely article. I think I read that young lady's blog. She is super mature and has huge brains. Consecrated Virginity is a beautiful vocation. I can't say it appeals to me very much at this point, since I do treasure community life so much. But who knows what will happen when the "fog" lifts? I like how she linked her vocation with the virgin martyrs. They were certainly hard core, weren't they.

[the lords sheep]

I also think there is a huge difference between not wanting a family as in not feeling that that is what God wants from you/has planned for you/has created you for and being radically opposed to the life because you hate kids/fear intimacy/see the married life as a lesser vocation. One is just seeing yourself as you believe God created you to be, the second is regarding another vocation- a path by which God has called souls to Himself- as inherently bad, or at least not as good.

A Sister once explained to me that unless you can appreciate the beauty in all vocations you can't really begin to appreciate the beauty of your own. For example, if you are a Sister, how can you possible appreciate that you are "a bride of Christ" if you are completely averted to being a wife? What will being a spiritual mother as a single woman or as a Sister mean if you don't appreciate biological motherhood?

In Christ, the coming King,
Lauren

Edited December 23, 2008 by the lords sheep

[DevotedtoHim]

You have received such good advice, I can barely add to it. I did want to share that I was a nanny for quite a while, and I didn't/don't want to have children. I loved the kids (everything the same as you) but it is really hard and tiring. Also, people always say things like -You will feel different if they were your own- but you know in your heart that no matter what, because you love the kids you are caring for - that you would still be tired and exhausted! Just like a "real mom." I do want to be part of a family/group/community and I believe I have to share and also receive. That's family! That's different than feeling "called" to have children! Also, like somebody else said, people change. Some of the older sisters I know love to talk about all the different surprises God gave them in life and how "their plans" changed. So you never know; all you can do is listen to the Holy Spirit and trust in Him.

Katherine

[VeniteAdoremus]

I was chatting with a postulant just this morning - she's from Nigeria, where family is [i]the. world.[/i] and very, very, VERY important. She mused that if someone had told her even three years ago that she would leave her parents, brothers and sisters and move to England, she'd have them locked up for their own safety.

Yet here she is, and she's happy (although it's still tough).

I had the same thing on much more mundane issues - things like giving my beloved books away. It's not that I don't want to keep them anymore, it's just not really important. And my books meant a lot to me, I can tell you.

Maybe... you got a bucketful of God's grace over your head without noticing?

Good luck with the fog. Sent me a postcard when the new weather report is in - the way you talked about leaving your community taught me a lot!

[Lilllabettt]

[quote name='VeniteAdoremus' post='1734540' date='Dec 23 2008, 08:02 PM']Maybe... you got a bucketful of God's grace over your head without noticing?

Good luck with the fog. Sent me a postcard when the new weather report is in - the way you talked about leaving your community taught me a lot![/quote]


Yes, I feel as though the good Lord dropped a bucketful of grace on my head ... and then the bucket. (Couldn't resist )


I hope that your learning was in some other vein than the "what not to wear," section of fashion magazines. Those did teach me some about dressing, since they gave a close up of other people's faux pas. In my memory I made a mess of things; maybe I'll have to go back and read that thread someday and see if there's anything to take away.

Merry Christmas!

Edited December 24, 2008 by Lilllabettt