Discerning Question

[DevotedtoHim]

Dear Phamily,
This might be a stupid question to some of you, but I would like some advice. I am in correspondence with a couple of different communities. I know I said earlier I didn't think I was a Dominican, but something about them just keeps grabbing me, so I haven't given up! I'm back to the Dominicans! I probably sound crazy, and I feel it too! Anyway, I have written to one community that I really like but haven't visited. I have some questions, and no matter what I ask, the Sister just writes back a very short letter telling me I should just visit and don't worry about the questions. I wish I could just take time off from my life and visit all of the convents in the country, trying to decide, but that isn't realistic. I have already gone on two retreats since I started discerning, and I realize after that that I need to be a little bit more "discerning" before I just head on off for a visit! It's expensive for starters. And confusing, too. I would just give up on this one order but they have are very popular and have a lot of young women my age so I can tell that something might be really good and I would like to enter an order that has young women in there because I am young and I would like to grow in the spiritual life with other women in my position. Has this happened with any of you? How do you handle this situation? I am really feeling overwhelmed! Thanks and God bless you all. Katherine

[Mari Therese]

This whole discernment thing can be beautiful and overwhelming sometimes! I would suggest that you write to the sister again and explain that before you meet the community that you wish to know a little more about them first. Also, mention the cost of travelling and and the other reasons that you mentioned in this post. If the sister is still unresponsive to your questions, than perhaps this community isn't where God is calling you. The vocation mistress should be making time to answering atleast a few of your questions.

All the communties that I was in contact with began with emails and questions about the community. If I was still interested then I would meet them for an afternoon, then I would stay for a weekend, and then for a week or two. It reminds me of having a boyfriend, it is important to get to know a person before you start getting too serious with them.

Get a spiritual director if you don't already have one. And pray for the communities that you decide to discern with.

Happy Vocation Hunting!

[servus Mariae]

Devoted to Him,

I ask that you pray to our Blessed Mother in order that She may direct your steps in discernment. Only our Blessed Mother can most perfectly lead you to the adorable Will of Her Divine Son. Not only that but she will also instruct you to walk more closely with our Lord as you become His Bride, His 'little one'. Continue to pray and take time to listen to our Lords interior voice of silence within the depths of your heart. He is speaking to you in such a gentle manner that only in deep prayer and silence will you begin to fully understand His Divine WIll for you in your life. Our Lord places certain desires in our hearts in order that we may fulfill them.

If you continue to feel a call to the Religious Life, specifically to a Dominican Order, I highly encourage you and everyone to consider a vocation with the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist. They are both Contemplative as well as an active order who strive to imitate our Blessed Mother as they grow in a deeper union with our Lord in the Eucharist. The average age of young women who enter are 24 years old, with an average of 15 entering every year. They work in the schools, travel to give conferences at College Campuses, and truly live a life full of energy, joy and love. There are about 75 sisters total with the average age at about 28.

If you'd like to know more about their charisms, I highly encourage you to take a look at their website. www.sistersofmary.org

Be most assured of my prayers as you continue to discern our Lords Will for you in your life. Remember, what you want is not always what God wants. Be assured that He will place the right people in your life, and place before you signs of where His Heart wishes you to go.
Be open to His Voice and humbly follow after Him.

God love you!

Servus Mariae

In regards to traveling to visit different convents, you may want to get in contact with either the Knights of Columbus at your parish or even your own Archdiocese. I am certain that they will love to help you out.

- 'On the tree of the Cross, Jesus' heart looked into yours and loved you.' - St. Frances de Sales

[stlmom]

[quote name='Mari Therese' post='1630685' date='Aug 18 2008, 03:44 PM']This whole discernment thing can be beautiful and overwhelming sometimes! I would suggest that you write to the sister again and explain that before you meet the community that you wish to know a little more about them first. Also, mention the cost of travelling and and the other reasons that you mentioned in this post. If the sister is still unresponsive to your questions, than perhaps this community isn't where God is calling you. The vocation mistress should be making time to answering atleast a few of your questions.

All the communties that I was in contact with began with emails and questions about the community. If I was still interested then I would meet them for an afternoon, then I would stay for a weekend, and then for a week or two. It reminds me of having a boyfriend, it is important to get to know a person before you start getting too serious with them.

Get a spiritual director if you don't already have one. And pray for the communities that you decide to discern with.

Happy Vocation Hunting![/quote]

Since you haven't mentioned the nature of your questions to this particular order of sisters it's hard to say if a letter from them would clarify things for you. But all things considered, I agree with Mari Therese's opinion above.

[alicemary]

I would be very wary of any community that does not want to answer your questions. If you are not getting any attention now that you are in the discerning stage, are they going to be much help as things advance??? If they are attracting that many vocations, but don't make you feel worthy of their time, then look elsewhere. That is what a vocation director is for. It is important for you to sort them out and find out what places you would like to eventually visit. To expect you to just visit every one is not going to happen. You have a right to get each of your questions answered fully. I would take that as a sign to look elsewhere. Certainly that sister may be busy at the time, but you are important, and your vocation even more so. Do not settle for inattention. And if someone will not answer your questions, what are they hiding?

[VeniteAdoremus]

I can understand that a community just says "come and see!" With the communities I visited, their actual life was so much different (always better) than the idea I got from their websites and my correspondation with them.

However, since you so accurately said that you can't go and visit every single community, they do have to give you enough information to know whether a visit would be a good idea. I would write to Sister how much you're attracted to their community, but just need this, this, and this, to make a decision about a visit. Be nice but explicit.

By the way, I totally understand your feelings about wanting to have others your age in the formation process - I preferred it because I wouldn't want to be the "special" one, the young one, the-one-that'll-still-be-around-in-forty-years. But there are communities who don't get [i]that[/i] many vocations, maybe one a year or one every other year, but still manage to be very "healthy" about their sisters in formation. I don't know how strongly you feel about it - if it's part of your vocation, by all means, go for such a community, but if it's not, do yourself a favour and consider the hidden gems, too

[alicemary]

That is such wonderful advice!! You are entering the convent to espsouse yourself to Jesus. Surely, it might be difficult to enter and be the only young person there, but you do not expect it all to be an easy life? I think of our phatmasser who joined the Dominican Nuns down South, she is the only young person in the entire monastery.
So many wonderful orders are dying out because there is only older sisters there. And conversely, they will not allow older vocations to enter, which amaze me, but what can ya do! Dont only judge an order by how many young people are there, open your heart to the whole experience. Yes, it would be nicer to have someone you can relate more easily to, but you are expected to be a sister to someone who is 90 as well as one who is 20.
And I forgot to say, ENJOY this experience. Do not stress out about it. Open your mind and your heart and just start exploring. If it gets stressful or you don't care for a particualar series of letters or emails from a community, that might be a sign to look elsewhere. They are right, you cant tell the whole story by emails, phone calls or letters, you must live the life, spend time with the community and get to know its members. It can be very deceiving unless you actually meet them in person.

[TradMom]

Praised be Jesus Christ!

Dear Katherine,

Though we have corresponded privately, I am going to answer this publicly, because it is my hope that others will benefit from your question, too.

First....for all discerners....if your questions are NOT being answered (no matter how little or big...it doesn't matter!) consider that a terrible warning sign! Take that community off your list. Period! Retreats can be wonderful, and can be filled with other like-minded people, and in the joy of the moment, it is very easy to let go of one's critical mind and make decisions that are not necessarily based upon reality. It is one thing to be filled with great joy and happiness, surrounded by loving faces and much happiness (like on a retreat!), but it is a completely different thing to actually live the life day in and day out. You must have your questions answered!

Second...again, for all discerners...release and let go of the age thing! Honestly! There might a true and living saint hidden within the walls of one of those monasteries/convents and your desire to be with people your own age could possibly prevent you from encountering someone that could be life changing. And in that, you might have the privilege of bringing new life to a wonderful community that needs a boost! And remember, God willing, you will be entering a convent - not a sorority! Yes, you will be called to be sisters to all of the community members - old, young, healthy, weak, strong, silent, etc.! It's very much like marriage!

Now all this being said, there is no subsitute for actually living the life. You might get all the questions in the world answered and then - what a surprise - things crop up that you never considered (for good and bad!). So it is right and proper for a Vocation Mistress to invite one to "come and see." In the "old days" - women usually entered communities close to them; they didn't have the luxury of traveling all over the country and doing "nun runs" - because of those circumstances , the girls usually knew the community already and had a taste for the life and the spirit before entrance. Now we are all relying upon the computer, emails, pictures, etc. It can BE very expensive to travel all over the place.

Katherine, I would suggest that you find a spiritual director. It sounds as if you don't have one! Sometimes looking at so many communities and trying to figure this out alone can be very daunting! I can understand wanting to visit more than one place, but going back and forth between spiritualities and charisms just adds to the confusion. Perhaps an experienced Spiritual Director can help you sort through all of this!?

I know I have given you a mouthful (as usual!) but remember that communication is the key, always!

Write to me privately if I can be of any help or support to you!

In His Holy Name, I remain your friend,
TradMom

[DevotedtoHim]

Wow! As usual, I guess I can count on Phatmass for advice. Even when I wasn't posting, I was learning! Thanks TradMom for your advice and the e-card!
After posting yesterday, I went and saw the priest at my parish. He was really cool about everything and was a great listener. And he's in his 70's, so there you go about me wanting to be with young people like me!
My heart sort of keeps returning to the Dominicans, but I don't know if that is because the first experience I had or what.
I feel really stupid about some of the things that I have done since I first started feeling like I had a serious vocation...I announced it to my parents and family WAY too early, I went on two retreats way tooooo early when I didn't really know them or what I was getting into (I'm talking about follow up correspondence, questionaires, etc.), I signed up for like, ummmmm...eighty-million vocation newsletters so I can't open my inbox without being flooded from Sisters inviting me on retreats or whatever, and I joined a bunch of groups on the internet. Some have been good (thanks Gemma), but some have been totally crazy. I'm embarrassed to say that I even joined a group of role-playing women who pretend to be nuns, thinking it would help me try out a vocatoin, but that was a total disaster and I think was really stupid of me. My priest, like I said, was cool. I showed him ALL my emails (I am really organized, so I have them all grouped by order/spirituality/active vs. cloistered and then I have a whole section in my notebook from the different groups PLUS the ones that random vocation people have sent me because I signed up through Vision and CMSWR.) and he had a lot to say.
He TOTALLY thinks that the order that won't answer my questions (which are basic) is not for me. He thinks I have to make a decision about contemplative vs. active before anything else. He also said, which I know has been covered here already, that the internet can be totally great and good (like here) but can also be really scary and weird. Like I already told you guys before, I don't really sleep that well, so I stay up late at night, surfing the net and reading. He gave me a list of books and told me to lay off the internet (especially weird groups!). But not Phatmass! Yeah! Anyway, he also pretty much repeated what all of you have said and he told me to begin keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings so I can sort them out a little bit better. So at least I have someone that I can talk to and I am glad it is a priest because I won't feel like he is going to sway me one direction or another. I didn't want to get direction from a Sister because I think a Sister would want to encourage me to join her order (as in not being objective).
So that's what is happening since I posted yesterday and thanks again for all of you who posted to me.
Katherine

[VeniteAdoremus]

I love your priest.

I used to be very annoyed that I was so completely sure about the religious life thing, but that I didn't get the postcard with "oh, and it's going to be this community", too. I think that was because I had to [i]learn[/i] about how communities are different, and what I really need from a community (in my case: a very solid rhythm, both through the day and through the seasons, so to speak, coupled with an active and outgoing view on individual and communal development). I had to learn about myself. I love discernment! (Yes, easy for me to say, I know.)

Your priest's advice to figure out the active/contemplative question is very good. Remember that religious life is about getting [i]you[/i] to heaven - if you manage that, the slipstream is usually big enough to take quite a few people along So be totally selfish in giving your all.

(Oh, and remember, active/contemplative isn't black and white - it's a spectrum. God did that to exasperate discerners. Maybe it's easiest to start with "cloistered or not".)

(edit for grammar)

Edited August 19, 2008 by VeniteAdoremus

[DevotedtoHim]

Thanks, Venite. You are right. I ALSO need to get my vocabulary in order! Cloistered, contemplative, monastic, apostolic, active, mendicant....etc! It's enough to make someone nutso! Katherine

[osapientia]

[quote name='DevotedtoHim' post='1632413' date='Aug 20 2008, 02:07 AM']Thanks, Venite. You are right. I ALSO need to get my vocabulary in order! Cloistered, contemplative, monastic, apostolic, active, mendicant....etc! It's enough to make someone nutso! Katherine[/quote]
....and let's not forget semi-cloistered, active/contemplative and eremitic (like the Carthusians and <in a lesser degree> the Camaldolese)

[Beatus]

+JMJ+
Dear Katherine,
You have many choices. You are wise to dig deep and investigate. Even the best of the religious orders can have MAJOR problems. You want to be around women who have decided to give GOD the best of what they have to offer! Their youth, their virginity, their beauty, EVERYTHING! ALSO! Don't forget! You need to find an order that has a SOLID and GOOD Spiritual Counselor in the form of a PRIEST! ORTHODOX and HOLY! Your soul is at stake. No stone must be left unturned as you look.
May I suggest the Cistercians in Wisconsin? I like their website and I met the HOLY PRIEST that ministers to them. THEY ARE HOLY. Also, read Margaret Clare's postings as she is very good about knowing which Carmels are THE BEST. I am discerning through prayer that you might have a CLOISTERED CONTEMPLATIVE VOCATION!
Keep your eyes fixed on JESUS!
Your friend,
Beatus

[Beatus]

+JMJ+
Also, I FORGOT! The Cistercians speak the OFFICIAL language of the Church in their prayers! You know it! LATIN!
Beatus

[rosamundi]

[quote name='Beatus' post='1633671' date='Aug 21 2008, 08:41 PM']+JMJ+
Also, I FORGOT! The Cistercians speak the OFFICIAL language of the Church in their prayers! You know it! LATIN!
Beatus[/quote]

Beatus, could you lay off the capitals, please? It is perceived as shouting, and is not considered polite. Also, it makes your posts hard to read. [b]Bold[/b] and [i]italic[/i], when used sparingly, add sufficient emphasis.

Edited August 21, 2008 by rosamundi