Having To Choose...

[Balthazor]

Tomorrow I fly to Germany to see my sweetheart who I have not seen in three months.
I have been with him for two years and love him dearly, however we have deepened our relationship to include sex. Unfortunitly (for him) I just can't stay in sin, I just can't do it anymore. It has been driving me nuts. I have confessed and have tried to approach the topic of not having sex before but I am a coward. He is an Atheist..... so really these boundaries between sex and marriage are artificial for him.

The relationship started out with an understanding but as things often do, my lack of vigilance lead to failure and then once you start having sex it is very difficult to just tell your partner that you want to stop.
I am afraid that when I tell him the "new" conditions of dating he will be hurt and perhaps even stop seeing me.
This is not a bad guy, he does love me, I am absolutley sure, but I worry that this stipulation will be just too radical for him.

I have talked to priests about it.
I am worried about it.
I have prayed about it.
I feel sick.

I can't beleive that I am dreading seeing the man I love.

I need help.

Edited July 22, 2008 by Balthazor

[homeschoolmom]

Prayers for you and him. Doing the right thing is often difficult.

[Archaeology cat]

I will pray for you (& for him).

[alicemary]

I doubt you will be able to convince him of your renewed vigor in practicing your faith. He will not understand. You really cant change things mid stream. I am NOT debating whether you should or should not have sex, you are an adult, make that decision yourself. If you are feeling such guilt, then you need to examine your views and decide what is more important to you. Do you wish to follow what you feel your faith is asking you to do, or follow the man you are in love with. You cannot expect him to just roll over and say...ok, sure, what ever you want. You know that will not happen. So you might have no alternative but to break up, which would be very sad.

[Balthazor]

It might. He might just "roll over" and comply.

He is a wonderful man, one that has shown me more love and compassion than my "Catholic" boyfriends.

He might not. I geuss it is a risk I will have to take.

It is not a question of "following the faith" for me but rather a question of identity. I beleive in God because God nags me quite frankly, He will not leave me alone. I try to tune Him out and live my life but HE will not let me. I am forced to comply, I am compelled to obey. Therefore God is a part of me that I am unable to rid myself of and quite frankly wrestling with God is a losing battle because HE always wins. My boyfriend has to take us as a package deal I guess, Because God refuses to leave me. I am not complaining mind you, I am stating the facts, as crazy as they sound. This is it. It is a blessing and a curse, a source of joy and pain and I have gone through many phases trying to dull it, numb myself so I am "normal". But it is impossible HE WON"T LEAVE.
I don't here voices or anything, I am just compelled to comply, I hear Him in my heart and I feel HIm.

AM I insane. Probably.

Do I care.....

Not really anymore. I am sick of running, I find I can only live for a maximum of a few months in Sin without becoming so tired that I submit. I am tired now.

Some people have Demons. I have God. You can't exocise God. He is here to stay. Resistance if totally futile. (I have been through this before) Will I go through it again, I don't know. But I have to say that it is difficult being on fire all the time, and I know there are those on Phatmass who struggle with God in the same way that I do and probably have tried to run also. SO think what you like, I realize I am a bad Christian and a Bad Catholic. But apparently God wants to keep me around and there is no use arguing with HIm.

But either way Hope is something I try to hold in my heart very closely because without hope the world is lost. I hope that my boyfriend can accept that God is with me and understand I am compelled to follow His law. If he can't well I understand that too, I won't like it but I understand it.

I am asking for prayers or advice regarding the situation more than anything.

I thank all of you that offer support.

Edited July 22, 2008 by Balthazor

[XIX]

The short version of my answer is:

1) God >>> boyfriend
2) If he leaves you because you don't want to have sex with him, then you are most definitely better off without him. I promise you that. I will (literally) eat my laptop if you're not better off.
3) It's much better to be single and wish you weren't, than to be in a relationship and wish you were single.

I'll go into more detail when i'm not at work.

[Caramelonion]

prayers for both of you...

[XIX]

I'll definitely offer my Rosary for you. I can't imagine how difficult your situation must be. Hang in there.

[Balthazor]

A whole rosary for me?
I knew anyone who respected the burninater was awesome!

[Luthien]

Bathy,

My heart goes out to you. Sex is an incredible bonding agent, my husband and I are a part of eachother because of it. I can only imagine your suffering. You are so blessed to have such a relationship with God, you might never have to feel that hopelessness that comes with doubt that He even exsists, this will help you if the outcome of your profession of newfound chastity turns out to be a heartbreaking experience. My advice would be to be patient with him, be honest with yourself and him as well, and try your darndest to put yourself in his shoes. This news is going to rock his world a bit. He sounds like a wonderful man, he just is a little lost, is he a hardcore athiest?

God will not punish you for standing up for what is right. If XIX will eat his laptop if you're not happy after this, than I will shave my head.

[HisChildForever]

Only recently have I have been in an eerily similar situation. Every time I think about it, I thank God that while I did live in sin for almost a year, I never lost my virginity - it was only by God that I had the grace to say "no" all those times when I was, yes, pressured. Given the situations I was in, it was remarkable that I was able to hit the brakes.

Like you have probably done, I told myself that he loved me, I loved him, there was nothing wrong with what we were doing, so long as it was not sex. In fact, before I caved to his pestering, the first couple of months we were together, I broke up with him perhaps three times because I would, of course, rather choose God. He always convinced me to get back with him, saying how I was worth it, and it was okay if I didn't want to do the things I believed were wrong. But little by little he convinced me to do more, and more, and then I knew that pretty soon I would probably give in to sex as well. My situation is also different in the sense that he was very possessive and controlling, and harassed me for a long while after we broke up. But anyway, the thing is, your boyfriend won't understand. At first he'll try, like mine did, but then he'll pester you for sex. You'll want to stick with him, you'll fight, and he'll come around, but it'll be a vicious cycle and it'll repeat itself, [b]until[/b] you break up with him. It sounds sad, and depressing, but it's the simple reality and it's the absolute truth. Before I broke up with my boyfriend, I cried a lot, not because I knew I had to break up with him, but because I knew I had shamed myself before God and I wanted - no, needed, craved - forgiveness. I immediately went to Confession after the break-up and knew that I was myself again.

I know I was blunt, and perhaps your boyfriend is very understanding and will be able to do this for you. But if he encourages you to fall into sin again after a time, especially after promising that he will never ask again (as mine did countless times but, of course, ended up denying to get what he wanted), you will know what you have to do. Prayers.

[Proud2BCatholic139]

If he REALLY loves you. Then he will understand and not have sex anymore until, God willing, you two get married.

But remember, you want somebody help you get to Heaven. Just not on love alone will do that.

[Ookami]

[quote name='Balthazor' post='1605080' date='Jul 22 2008, 07:29 AM']Tomorrow I fly to Germany to see my sweetheart who I have not seen in three months.
I have been with him for two years and love him dearly, however we have deepened our relationship to include sex. Unfortunitly (for him) I just can't stay in sin, I just can't do it anymore. It has been driving me nuts. I have confessed and have tried to approach the topic of not having sex before but I am a coward. He is an Atheist..... so really these boundaries between sex and marriage are artificial for him.

The relationship started out with an understanding but as things often do, my lack of vigilance lead to failure and then once you start having sex it is very difficult to just tell your partner that you want to stop.
I am afraid that when I tell him the "new" conditions of dating he will be hurt and perhaps even stop seeing me.
This is not a bad guy, he does love me, I am absolutley sure, but I worry that this stipulation will be just too radical for him.

I have talked to priests about it.
I am worried about it.
I have prayed about it.
I feel sick.

I can't beleive that I am dreading seeing the man I love.

I need help.[/quote]
I hav a best friend whos Athiest and since my bf of 2 and a half years broke up with me hes the only guy i could even start 2 see myself with but...he just wants me 2 do physical stuff not emotional he wants sex...(got addicted from his last gf) I sed no he sed no. The point is if he cant respect the fact that sex makes u uncomfortable you deserve someone better...someone who would marry u under the conditions of never having sex cuz its about love not sex. it should be about spending the rest of his life with u not sleeping with you. u disereve better than that.

[picchick]

This will be hard for you but it looks like you know what you must do. If your boyfriend truly loves you the way you say, he will respect the things that are important to you even if he does not believe in it himself.

In my opinion, the minute someone declares that something that you feel is important is unimportant it should throw up a red flag.

Also, if it is going to be a temptation, what if you stayed somewhere separate? If not in an entirely separate building but the couch instead of the bed?

You definitely have my prayers. I will storm heaven for you.
Meg

[J.P.]

[quote name='picchick' post='1605183' date='Jul 22 2008, 10:58 AM']This will be hard for you but it looks like you know what you must do. If your boyfriend truly loves you the way you say, he will respect the things that are important to you even if he does not believe in it himself.

In my opinion, the minute someone declares that something that you feel is important is unimportant it should throw up a red flag.

Also, if it is going to be a temptation, what if you stayed somewhere separate? If not in an entirely separate building but the couch instead of the bed?

You definitely have my prayers. I will storm heaven for you.
Meg[/quote]

I agree.

Now go get 'em cowgirl

Edited July 22, 2008 by J.P.