How Does One Accomplish Loving One's Self

[Adrestia]

[quote name='aalpha1989' post='1589809' date='Jul 3 2008, 12:17 AM']What happens when you dislike yourself even more when you "turn off the ipod, turn off the computer, walk away from the tv, and spend time by yourself"? idk... i've struggled with some similar problems and usually the "better" i know myself the harder it is to live with myself. I hold myself to impossible standards and am extremely scrupulous. I had a counsellor in high school who had me write good things about myself... it was really hard, and i didn't really believe the things i was writing. i don't really know.[/quote]
You're on the way...

[img]http://images.barnesandnoble.com/images/13730000/13739718.JPG[/img]
[b]The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude[/b] helped me [i]a lot[/i].

It was the most difficult thing in the beginning... but so worth it. I cannot recommend it enough.

You can write me if you want more 411.

principle: [url="http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html"]http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html[/url]

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='Socrates' post='1589695' date='Jul 2 2008, 09:46 PM']One does not love others by first loving oneself, but true love of oneself comes through loving service to others.

Self-absorption of any kind is a recipe for misery, for oneself and/or others. It will cause one to become either an unbearable whiny self-loathing wuss, or a self-centered egotistical bore.
Focus should first be outward, on seeing what one can do for others.
If one is healthily outward-focused, and loves others with Christian charity, then he will develop a healthy love and respect for oneself.[/quote]

[quote name='hot stuff' post='1589791' date='Jul 2 2008, 11:39 PM']Love does not start outside it starts within. Anybody telling you anything else is fooling themselves and most likely is masking their self loathing in outward ways.

Where psychology is correct is this. In 98% of people who don't like themselves it is because they don't know themselves at all. (Everyone reading this with no self esteem just had a violent reaction to that.) 2% would be due to a chemical imbalance.

You want to be happy with yourself? Spend time with yourself. Turn off the ipod, turn off the computer. walk away from the tv and spend time by yourself. Start off with 10 minutes every day just you and your thoughts. then when the 10 minutes are up, write down something you did that day that was good. Something you succeeded at.

No one who truly knows themself hates themself. As hard as that is to accept, it is absolutely true.[/quote]

Cool! i get to agree and disagree with both Socrates and hot stuff!

God is the author of love; love is His gift. Thus, to me, excluding chemical imbalance, if a person is having a problem with self-love, they need to first turn to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, ask Him to heal the deep wounds keeping them from accepting their own true beauty/dignity/etc, then allow Him to do it.

Charitable acts are great, and i agree that they are necessary in further developing what Socrates called "healthy love and respect for oneself." However, without the gift of grace, acts alone may never lead a person to love of self. i think they strengthen what is already there.

Spending time alone is also great, and is also necessary for the healthy self-knowledge/awareness hot stuff was talking about. However, as another poster said, that could make things worse if you're not liking yourself too well yet. Again, i think self-knowledge strengthens what is already there.

i have to agree with Fr. Bruno:

[quote name='Fr. Bruno' post='1589933' date='Jul 3 2008, 07:15 AM']So when somebody has a difficulty with this, I think the first question is to ask : where is the difficulty ? Why can't you love yourself ? What's the root of the bad plant ?

Because you're not what you'd like to be like ? In that case, it might be some hidden pride...
so, seek humility.

Or because of wounds from the past, a bad image of yourself other people gave you ?
In that case, I think you need competent people to talk with, starting with the Lord himself.
There might be other roots... the first step is to find the cause of the problem.

In any case, we should always remember to turn to the Lord :
[i]Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.[/i] (Ps 34,6)[/quote]

God reveals to us, in His time, the wounds that we need to face and allow Him to heal. We can't grasp at the gift, but we can cooperate with Him in prayer, surrendering ourselves, allowing Him to work on our hearts.

Growth in the capacity to love is a lifelong process, which means that things like acts of charity and time spent gaining self-knowledge are important in the process, but i think it all has to begin with Jesus.

[lilac_angel]

[quote name='aalpha1989' post='1589824' date='Jul 3 2008, 01:10 AM']Thank you, your post helped some... I think i'll remember that. I felt warm inside when I read it. [/quote]

You're welcome...and I'm glad to hear that. I tried to let the Holy Spirit guide me as best I could

I know what you mean about impatience too, but I believe that's definitely essential in cultivating a more Christian attitude, be it patience with others (an obvious given) or patience with ourselves.

[dominicansoul]

How do you feel good about yourself? Talk to God, and when that doesn't work, talk to Him more and more. Get God involved with your life, with your thoughts and ideas, this means getting Him involved even in your misery, your not feeling good about yourself, your not being able to love yourself...

Before I ever had any clue as to what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life, I was feeling downright miserable about myself. I went to confession, and the priest told me, "You need to live life to the fullest." I asked him, "what does that mean? How does one achieve this?" He told me, "Ask God."

When I went up to the Altar rail to pray my penance, something came over me...a very powerful grace that made me exclaim with all my heart, "God, how does someone as small as me love One as Great as You? And not just with mere lip service...I WANT TO REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU!"

...so for me...it was a sense of NOT loving God as He should be loved that was making me feel miserable about myself...and God went on to answer my question in a very powerful way...and now I am on my way to entering a beautiful community of Dominicans...

I think you need to recognize what it is that is making you not love yourself. You can only find this out by conversing with the Almighty God...and He will lead you to discovery and healing...

Edited July 3, 2008 by dominicansoul

[Lil Red]

[quote name='dominicansoul' post='1590185' date='Jul 3 2008, 11:38 AM']How do you feel good about yourself? Talk to God, and when that doesn't work, talk to Him more and more. Get God involved with your life, with your thoughts and ideas, this means getting Him involved even in your misery, your not feeling good about yourself, your not being able to love yourself...

I think you need to recognize what it is that is making you not love yourself. You can only find this out by conversing with the Almighty God...and He will lead you to discovery and healing...[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
yes, prayer!! we need to have communication with God!

[missionseeker]

[quote name='XIX' post='1589397' date='Jul 2 2008, 04:56 PM']I think going to Adoration and just letting Jesus hold you for an hour would be a good start.[/quote]
Church is ninety miles away

[quote name='Socrates' post='1589695' date='Jul 2 2008, 10:46 PM']As usual, secular pop psychology has this backwards. One does not love others by first loving oneself, but true love of oneself comes through loving service to others.

Self-absorption of any kind is a recipe for misery, for oneself and/or others. It will cause one to become either an unbearable whiny self-loathing wuss, or a self-centered egotistical bore.
Focus should first be outward, on seeing what one can do for others.
If one is healthily outward-focused, and loves others with Christian charity, then he will develop a healthy love and respect for oneself.[/quote]
PLEASE read this: It is a seven or eight page term paper on love. [url="http://sccdga.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-i-learned-this-year.html"]http://sccdga.blogspot.com/2008/06/what-i-...-this-year.html[/url] Loveing yourself, your neighbor, and your God.

I spent the last few years caring only about others. But that's not loving them [i]correctly[/i] it's almost'kind-of-sort-of-in-a-way like the oxygen masks in airplanes- gotta put yours on first.

[quote name='tgoldson' post='1589754' date='Jul 2 2008, 11:36 PM']It worked for my friend... I didn't think it would hurt. Sorry if it did.[/quote]

nope
[quote name='hot stuff' post='1589791' date='Jul 3 2008, 12:39 AM']As usual Soc posts without actual thinking or expertise.

Love does not start outside it starts within. Anybody telling you anything else is fooling themselves and most likely is masking their self loathing in outward ways.

Where psychology is correct is this. In 98% of people who don't like themselves it is because they don't know themselves at all. (Everyone reading this with no self esteem just had a violent reaction to that.) 2% would be due to a chemical imbalance.

You want to be happy with yourself? Spend time with yourself. Turn off the ipod, turn off the computer. walk away from the tv and spend time by yourself. Start off with 10 minutes every day just you and your thoughts. then when the 10 minutes are up, write down something you did that day that was good. Something you succeeded at.

No one who truly knows themself hates themself. As hard as that is to accept, it is absolutely true.[/quote]

I'll do that.

Is PTSD induced depression a chemical inbalance? One woman wasn't really going to see me (a counselor) unless I started taking prozac. I found someone else, but just wondering if I've got that too.


[quote name='lilac_angel' post='1589807' date='Jul 3 2008, 01:15 AM']It's true; if one hates oneself, s/he is not capable of loving others in any godly way. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. If a person doesn't care one iota about themself or his own soul, why would he care about his neighbor?

There is a point where self-hatred can easily turn into a form of self-absorption and egotism. Moderation in all things, it seems. We should not neglect ourselves; we should not place ourselves above others.

It is apparent that you are not anywhere near becoming an egomaniac and rightly wanting to know how to love yourself because you're a temple of God - even if currently a wounded, confused one - and that is a very good thing; you are humbly trying to heal from a situation in the past, and I'm willing to bet God is 100% with you on that.

I agree with an above poster about gratefulness being very important ingredient in the process. It aids in humility -- a healthy humility -- not a humility that is overly self-degrading or self-mutilating to the point of absurdity, but a humility that allows oneself to stand in the awe of God, bask in His healing love, and then have the ability to transmit that Godly love to others.[/quote]

Thanks.

[quote name='son_of_angels' post='1589850' date='Jul 3 2008, 02:44 AM']There are a lot of hurting young people out there and, despite my own young age, I've tried to help some of them the best I can. Here are a list of my goals when I talk to hurting girls (most of whom have a deeply rooted lack of self-love), followed by some little reflections.

1. There is no one in this world that can do anything to help you love yourself. If someone starts "making you feel loved" through sex, drugs, whatever, you ought to know immediately that a real-to-life relationship is not possible. You have to mature before that relationship can take place.

2. There is nothing in this world that can help you love yourself: not make-up, not alcohol, nothing, period.

3. God loves you most when you're hurting the most, and always enjoys it when you are truly happy.
Some things I like to think about: (1) You have no higher duty in this world than to have a clean conscience. This is part of what St. James says in his Epistle, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and teh Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."
That clean conscience is part of what we mean when we say that one should "love themself." One should habitually affirm this by refusing to accept any action which is contrary to the interests of that conscience, regardless of one's attachments, friends, etc. Loving God and loving oneself ARE related.
(2) You should not be afraid to think. (After all, you are all quite well designed to do it) Unfortunately, the only way for this to be the case is to practice doing it often enough until it becomes habit. That means that you look at something, you consider whether or not it's true, beautiful, orderly, reasonable, whatever, and you make a judgment that is thoroughly convincing. Thinking, and the art of Thinking, is the first step to acknowledging the fact that you can make good judgments. If you don't buy that, you simply do not love yourself. O yes, and stay away from anyone who doesn't give you space to think. Spend some time alone with a good book. (I suggest any of Pope Benedict's books or Plato).
(3) You should cultivate other-worldly peace. God gave you that peace. What are you doing to preserve it? Are you spending some time in non-consumerist leisure (I like the idea of rock gardening myself..)? Are you refusing to go shopping just to get your mind off of work? YOU SHOULD. Also, get a puppy.
(4) Loving yourself is in fact cultivated by loving others. However, this only works if you are doing it selflessly. (Sounds like a contradiction, I know) If I might draw an idea from Mahayana Buddhism, the boddhisatva chooses freely not to enter into nirvana (freedom from existence) in order to help everyone else achieve the same. Think about your life the same way. You are choosing to refrain from death, in God's grace, of course, in order to help everyone follow you to salvation and to become even more perfect in gratitude for God's favor.
This kind of love obviously DOES NOT APPLY to boyfriends, girlfriends, random hook-ups, or any other destructive relationship (employers, etc.).
There's my thoughts.[/quote]

While towards the end of last semester, did drink a couple of times, I've never really tried to do that. (i knew the drinking was wrong, I didn't think it'd help. I don't know why I did it.

Most of my time is spent reading Plato, Aristotle, Dante, Shakespeare, Milton, Thomas Aquinas, various commentoators, JPII, Pope Benedict, and such. Right now, I am reading DaVinci. Aristotle is my favorite. (Philosophy major...)


[quote name='Fr. Bruno' post='1589933' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:15 AM']When Jesus tells us to love our neighbours as ourselves, I think he just assumes that loving ourselves is natural : of course, because we are God's children.
So when somebody has a difficulty with this, I think the first question is to ask : where is the difficulty ? Why can't you love yourself ? What's the root of the bad plant ?

Because you're not what you'd like to be like ? In that case, it might be some hidden pride...
so, seek humility.

Or because of wounds from the past, a bad image of yourself other people gave you ?
In that case, I think you need competent people to talk with, starting with the Lord himself.
There might be other roots... the first step is to find the cause of the problem.

In any case, we should always remember to turn to the Lord :
[i]Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.[/i] (Ps 34,6)[/quote]

I was molested from 8-13.

Loving ourselves IS natural. I was talking to my philosophy professor/advisor after a class where he said that those who deal with self loathing do it for attention. I was like.. um.... Dr. Hartmann??? I really don't. Very few people even know that I do it. I try not to show it. He told me that because of what had happened to me, I was deprived (don't think that's the right word...) of the chance TO develope naturally.

Now, I am quite warp and trying to straighten myself out. I am just very sore and having trouble moving.

If that makes sense.



Oh, and, Alycin.... I love you!

[missionseeker]

Part of my paper

[quote]This ability to know beyond itself in a comprehensive manner is what makes the person capable of love. Pierre-Marie Emonet says that “love is a psychic movement that moves in an opposite direction to the movement of knowledge”. Knowledge moves the object towards the person knowing; in order to know, one must bring the object to be known into one’s self. Knowledge is imprinted upon the intellect, it is taken in. Love, on the other hand, is the soul’s movement toward the object that it knows.

This knowledge and love begins within the person. In a sense, all love begins as egotistical because human intellect is developed by loving. The work of the intellect is to know. Because the intellect is personal, the first thing that the intellect knows is its own person. Even this, though is a primitive, instinctual type of knowing: a knowing of desires. This is clearly seen in the development of children. The newborn infant knows nothing about parent/child relationships. The only thing that a newborn infant “knows” is that he is hungry or in some other way uncomfortable. Though the infant would not be able to articulate it, this “knowledge” is the first emanation of self love. And it is only through this “self love” that a child can begin to love others. He learns to love his parent, though at first not to love his parent for the sake of his parent, but for the sake of his own desires being fulfilled by that parent. This is the type of egotistical love that must be overcome. If the child never outgrows his “I-love-you-for-the-sake-of-my-needs-being-met” phase, he can never truly love anyone else. But as the child grows, he learns that his desires are not the only desires that exist. He learns that others’ desires must be taken into account if there is to be a peaceful coexistence. He eventually learns – at least in an ideal environment- that every other person has just as much worth as his person has.

In order for him to come to this conclusion, though, it is imperative that he has a healthy love of self. If he loves himself too much, he inhibits love of God, the natural end of man. If he loves himself too much, he will love others too little; if he loves himself not enough, he will not love others enough, either. Or, he will come to love others more than he loves himself and place his worth in others. This cannot be done because then, a person thinks of himself as something less than human and not as a person. The command to “love your neighbor as yourself” obviously implies that love of self is a prerequisite for other love. This love of self and love of neighbor and love of God can all be summed into “love of person”. The commandment to love God with “all you heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind” shows that God is the most perfect being. The commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” shows the intrinsic value of the person, every person.[/quote]

[Ookami]

[quote name='missionseeker' post='1588872' date='Jul 2 2008, 02:04 AM']i never have. dont know how. need help.

got asked today how to do it. couldn't give an answer.

i see so much hurt. people come to me before they go to their bestfirends because 0they say- i understand. i do understand the hurt and pain and frustrations a lot. but i don't know how to move beyond it. well, i knowyou have love yourself and i don't know how.

my (ex) best friend once told me that I needed to go and learn how to love my self (and that he needed fade into the background of my life so that i could ).

I know that you can't *really* love others without loving yourself. it upsets me that i wind up hurting/pushing away/not being able ot be friends with the people i love most because i am so screwed up.

so... how is that done?[/quote]

I sugest counciling there is plenty of catholic and christian counciling places that u can look into. u'll b in my prayers!!!!1!

[kafka]

[quote name='hot stuff' post='1589791' date='Jul 3 2008, 12:39 AM']As usual Soc posts without actual thinking or expertise.

Love does not start outside it starts within. Anybody telling you anything else is fooling themselves and most likely is masking their self loathing in outward ways.

Where psychology is correct is this. In 98% of people who don't like themselves it is because they don't know themselves at all. (Everyone reading this with no self esteem just had a violent reaction to that.) 2% would be due to a chemical imbalance.

You want to be happy with yourself? Spend time with yourself. Turn off the ipod, turn off the computer. walk away from the tv and spend time by yourself. Start off with 10 minutes every day just you and your thoughts. then when the 10 minutes are up, write down something you did that day that was good. Something you succeeded at.

No one who truly knows themself hates themself. As hard as that is to accept, it is absolutely true.[/quote]

Incredible advice Jaimie thank you. Reminded me of what Will Smith said about his filming of "Ali" He said that he finally realized one day why Ali was so cocky and possessed too much self esteem. The reason in his mind was that it was an expression of the incredible pain he felt as being a African American growing up in the sports world. So I guess it could go the other way, people with painful lives can turn and beat themselves up. It has happened to me in the past, I am getting better at controlling now, though not clearly enough yet.


Missionseeker do you tend to think a lot? For me sometimes I tend to overanalyze, since I have a very exacting mind. Sometimes I cant figure out why things happen and I beat myself up until I finally find the answer I am looking for. I rarely if ever in my life blame God or others in anyway since I have free choice and I am a mere human, I make mistakes, I commit sins, etc. And so if I am not generous and merciful with myself what happens is I beat myself up to the high heavens, suffer anxiety and a barage of bad thoughts, intense melancholy (someone once told me my eyes and character are dangerously melancholic), and then finally find my answer, and usually by the end of the whole experience I end up doing something really stupid.

Anyways, I relate to what you said about friendships, sometimes I really mess up friendships and have a hard time keeping friends, etc because of my needyness, and lack of self love and self esteem. And sometimes when things dont go my way or how I wanted them to work, I blame myself when in the end its all about Divine Providence and the journey of life unto the end.

I wasnt speculating any of these expressions were necessarily your case, just sharing a few of my own experiences



Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts everyone, this is a very useful thread.

Edited July 4, 2008 by kafka

[Paddington]

[quote name='missionseeker' post='1590522' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:50 PM']I was talking to my philosophy professor/advisor after a class where he said that those who deal with self loathing do it for attention. I was like.. um.... Dr. Hartmann???[/quote]

That is soooo disturbing of the prof.

[kafka]

[quote name='Paddington' post='1590574' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:39 PM'] That is soooo disturbing of the prof.[/quote]
yeah totally not true

[missionseeker]

[quote name='kafka' post='1590571' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:34 PM']Incredible advice Jaimie thank you. Reminded me of what Will Smith said about his filming of "Ali" He said that he finally realized one day why Ali was so cocky and possessed too much self esteem. The reason in his mind was that it was an expression of the incredible pain he felt as being a African American growing up in the sports world. So I guess it could go the other way, people with painful lives can turn and beat themselves up. It has happened to me in the past, I am getting better at controlling now, though not clearly enough yet.
Missionseeker do you tend to think a lot? For me sometimes I tend to overanalyze, since I have a very exacting mind. Sometimes I cant figure out why things happen and I beat myself up until I finally find the answer I am looking for. I rarely if ever in my life blame God or others in anyway since I have free choice and I am a mere human, I make mistakes, I commit sins, etc. And so if I am not generous and merciful with myself what happens is I beat myself up to the high heavens, suffer anxiety and a barage of bad thoughts, intense melancholy (someone once told me my eyes and character are dangerously melancholic), and then finally find my answer, and usually by the end of the whole experience I end up doing something really stupid.

Anyways, I relate to what you said about friendships, sometimes I really mess up friendships and have a hard time keeping friends, etc because of my needyness, and lack of self love and self esteem. And sometimes when things dont go my way or how I wanted them to work, I blame myself when in the end its all about Divine Providence and the journey of life unto the end.

I wasnt speculating any of these expressions were necessarily your case, just sharing a few of my own experiences
Thank you for sharing your insights and thoughts everyone, this is a very useful thread.[/quote]

I do tend to think a lot. I do also tend to not blame other people or God. I sometimes wonder if it was absolutely necessary for my salvation that I was molested, but I don't blame God. i just kind of hope that it wasn't and that in some small way, I can help otherrs get to heaven through it (not ME, of course, but God can). If that makes sense.

[quote name='Paddington' post='1590574' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:39 PM'] That is soooo disturbing of the prof.[/quote]


[quote name='kafka' post='1590581' date='Jul 3 2008, 08:46 PM']yeah totally not true[/quote]

Ok, I think [i]I[/i] said that wrong. lol. I have to admit, he started talking about stuff that made me shut down and I really wasn't taking a lot of it in. I know for sure that he said suicide is selfish, which is true

but I really can't say that I was paying much attention (or at least not retaining information. ) hence the conversation afterwards, cuz he usually doesn't say stuff like that. so i did get that wrong.

[Paddington]

[quote name='missionseeker' post='1590631' date='Jul 3 2008, 10:50 PM']Ok, I think [i]I[/i] said that wrong.[/quote]

Hehe. You rawk

[missionseeker]

[quote name='Paddington' post='1590647' date='Jul 3 2008, 09:39 PM']Hehe. You rawk [/quote]


heh.

thanks.

[missionseeker]

for prayers