TeresaBenedicta Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 I have had some interesting conversations with people on this topic: some who say it's okay, some who say it's not, and some who are somewhere inbetween. What do you guys think? Why, one way or the other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
picchick Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 This goes for both dating and religious vocation. I said that it depends on how serious you are in your vocation. I think that if you are in the early stages of your discernment it is fine. But if you are pretty sure one way or the other than I do not believe it to be wise. I found that I am someday suppose to get married. I am pretty sure of that. During this time I made a vocations retreat. Let me tell you, it was pretty stressful to me. I think that it just puts stress on your serious discernment if you decide to date at the same time. Plus if you are pretty serious in becoming a religious, you should start living the life and planning accordingly. I only think that one should date and discern early on in the process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fides quarens intellectum Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 i agree that it depends on how far along you are. i do think that everyone should date, though, at some point. Just like i think everyone should discern the Religious Life and/or Priesthood (if you're a guy, of course). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 i put i dont know. i consider dating to be a form of discernment so... i dont know how to answer the question exactly. i dont think everyone needs to date but some people do take a lot from the experience. define "discernment" and my answer might change. right now i kinda feel like its nearly impossible to do both at the same time. and yet, you do both at the same time by default. if you're dating, you're specifically discerning marriage and yet discerning a vocation to the religious life by default. and vise versa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowak.chris Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I voted no, but if you are discerning whether you are called to marry that particular person, well, that would have to be yes. (My sister hates when people exclude marriage as a vocation!) Otherwise it seems similar to going on a date with one person while trying to discern whether you are meant to spend your life with another, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeresaBenedicta Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 (edited) Interesting... I like the comment on dating being discernment. Edited May 28, 2008 by TeresaBenedicta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totus Tuus Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Dating is discerning marriage, which may be necessary for discovering your vocation. You may find that you are or are not called to marriage through dating. But a person most DEFINITELY does not have to date in order to rule out marriage as an option if he has a reasonable certainty that he is called to religious life. If one is sincerely not sure and is not running away from one or the other, it can be necessary to date, I personally think, so that one can explore the option of marriage further. I am open to correction of someone has experienced the opposite. But in my own experience and those of many I know, what I have said tends to be true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeresaBenedicta Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 [quote name='Totus Tuus' post='1545863' date='May 28 2008, 12:44 AM']Dating is discerning marriage, which may be necessary for discovering your vocation. You may find that you are or are not called to marriage through dating. But a person most DEFINITELY does not have to date in order to rule out marriage as an option if he has a reasonable certainty that he is called to religious life. If one is sincerely not sure and is not running away from one or the other, it can be necessary to date, I personally think, so that one can explore the option of marriage further. I am open to correction of someone has experienced the opposite. But in my own experience and those of many I know, what I have said tends to be true.[/quote] That makes sense to me. I suppose the answer to this question really is founded in whether or not one is supposed to first discern whether they have a vocation to the religious life before discerning marriage. Again, I've heard different things. Some say give God the chance first, discern religious life, and if that's not for you, then by default you know you're supposed to get married. I haven't really heard a lot of people argue the opposite though: date and discern marriage, if that doesn't work out, then you know you're called to religious life. Or the inbetween: you're discerning marriage life or religious life, in which case it seems like dating would be okay. All of this presupposing, of course, that you are honest and open to whatever God is calling you to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrishSalesian Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 [quote name='picchick' post='1545101' date='May 27 2008, 04:22 PM']This goes for both dating and religious vocation. I said that it depends on how serious you are in your vocation. I think that if you are in the early stages of your discernment it is fine. But if you are pretty sure one way or the other than I do not believe it to be wise. I found that I am someday suppose to get married. I am pretty sure of that. During this time I made a vocations retreat. Let me tell you, it was pretty stressful to me. I think that it just puts stress on your serious discernment if you decide to date at the same time. Plus if you are pretty serious in becoming a religious, you should start living the life and planning accordingly. I only think that one should date and discern early on in the process.[/quote] [quote name='fides quarens intellectum' post='1545125' date='May 27 2008, 05:01 PM']i agree that it depends on how far along you are. i do think that everyone should date, though, at some point. Just like i think everyone should discern the Religious Life and/or Priesthood (if you're a guy, of course).[/quote] I agree with both of these statements. I personally think that dating and discernment are the same thing, as in, dating is a type of discernment. Then again, depending on where you are in your religious discernment, you should not be dating. This will just cause confusion. If you are not in a deep level of a religious discernment, and are just open to it, then i think that dating is ok for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totus Tuus Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 [quote name='TeresaBenedicta' post='1546355' date='May 28 2008, 12:03 PM']That makes sense to me. I suppose the answer to this question really is founded in whether or not one is supposed to first discern whether they have a vocation to the religious life before discerning marriage. Again, I've heard different things. Some say give God the chance first, discern religious life, and if that's not for you, then by default you know you're supposed to get married. I haven't really heard a lot of people argue the opposite though: date and discern marriage, if that doesn't work out, then you know you're called to religious life. Or the inbetween: you're discerning marriage life or religious life, in which case it seems like dating would be okay. All of this presupposing, of course, that you are honest and open to whatever God is calling you to.[/quote] I agree, though I don't know if it's practical to say that everyone should try religious life first. I hope everyone can be [i]open[/i] to it, but some people (really holy people) seem to genuinely know they are called to marriage/ are not called to religious life without ever really "discerning" it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathoholic_anonymous Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 [quote name='Totus Tuus' post='1545863' date='May 28 2008, 05:44 AM']Dating is discerning marriage, which may be necessary for discovering your vocation. You may find that you are or are not called to marriage through dating. But a person most DEFINITELY does not have to date in order to rule out marriage as an option if he has a reasonable certainty that he is called to religious life. If one is sincerely not sure and is not running away from one or the other, it can be necessary to date, I personally think, so that one can explore the option of marriage further. I am open to correction of someone has experienced the opposite. But in my own experience and those of many I know, what I have said tends to be true.[/quote] I agree with you. Sometimes dating can be a way of distracting yourself from a secret fear of your real calling (a fear that is perhaps unknown even to yourself). People who are fairly sure that God is calling them to be a priest or a sister don't always experience unadulterated joy at the idea - they may be afraid of loneliness and seek to assuage it through dating, all the while telling themselves that it's an important part of their 'discernment'. Being single is a good way to deepen your self-knowledge and to test your motives gently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thomist-in-Training Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Ouf! A few years ago in my impressionable youth, I was pretty suddenly and joyously convinced again that I could be happy in religion. What was the next step? Spiritual direction, everyone told me. I had also unfortunately asked a young fellow the week before to the "Sadie Hawkins dance" due to his silent pleading. The priest I talked to was also young (i.e., relatively inexperienced) and upon consultation said "It sounds to me like you have a vocation to both" (third order secular +married I guess he meant.) "So it's OK to date him then?" "Sure." To compound the unfortunateness, at this time I was extremely reading the sort of things about courtship instead of dating. "Ah hah: I had to give up my strong desire for security and babies before I could find a young man. Obviously, God was testing me, and if that's the case and this chap has shown up, obviously he's the one." Not so. Anyways that ended after a couple strange months (though not actually due to my decision to seriously pursue religious life, which I didn't pick up again until several months later.) Long story short: For Joe Catholic who is simply walking through life: Yes, it should be a part of every Catholic's upbringing to consider at least once "Am I called to the state of perfection? [or, to the priesthood?]" One doesn't necessarily have to visit monasteries before dating or any such thing. For Jane Catholic who wakes up one day and feels that God wants her to be a nun, [or, is told she would make a good nun by a trusted confessor, etc.] she has a much more serious duty to pursue that call and should she pursue it seriously (i.e., beyond perhaps learning a little more about the religious life--once she is writing to particular convents) it seems that she should not begin to date, or keep dating. It muddles the mind. "Religious life sounds good... but Bob is right here and I can SEE that he's good. If he's good, how can it be wrong at all for me to carry along dating him, and then marry him?" etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiscerningSoul Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I dont date, I am taken by our Lord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starets Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I don't think dating and discernment should be mixed. They are two separate processes and two separate goals. By mixing the two, you are doing a disservice to both. One person at least on this thread has already suggested that dating is like discerning a spouse. I think that is a good observation. After all, in my opinion, if the path to Marriage was even a quarter as long and arduous as the path to Solemn Profession, the divorce rate would drop like a stone. After all, if you fall in love with a dimple you marry the whole person, and become part of that person's family. An old bit of doggerel verse I came across once says this: The glances that were so amourous the smiles that were so sweet don't seem quite so glamorous over the Shredded Wheat! For me it was pretty obvious. I had no desire for marriage, not even as a tweenaged fundamentalist. That is anathema to north american fundamentalism. If you say "I have no desire for marriage" at a fundamentalist gathering, someone will pipe up and say "what if God WANTS you to get married." Saying "if God wanted me to be married I would have a desire for marriage" would be met with a condescending smile. Of course, being ugly, misshapen, and freakish helps cut down on temptations! There should, I would think, be some mechanism whereby we could have a "pre-discernment" in order to decide which path to take; towards marriage or towards religious life. Once that decision has been made, then the hard work of preparing for either vocation can begin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fr. Antony Maria OSB Posted July 1, 2008 Share Posted July 1, 2008 I voted no, because I have always viewed dating as getting to know someone of the opposite sex better so as to determine whether or not the two of you would be compatable in marriage. If you're discerning the priesthood or religious life at the same time, it's like you're dating two different people, in some sense. I think it would only make things complicated in discernment, and it wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating, either. I guess in some sense I'm more conservative than most people (my age, at least), so maybe this isn't what people consider dating to be anymore, but that is how I have always viewed it and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon, lol! May God bless and protect you always in all of your endeavors, especially your discernment! Your Brother in Christ, Joe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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