apparent Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 A little gratitude would be nice, but that is something, I agree, must come from the heart, not demanded. By the way, I can't get a word in edgewise to make any kind of demands or as much as wish a Merry Christmas. No communication of any kind between my wife or me or any family members and her, none, nada, nothing for a long, long, long time now. It's vary bizarre, so I worry. Can you blame me? There are two sides to a coin and you don't know both sides, okay, but as a father and head of the household I will not give up hope that this madness will someday come to end. My parish priest advised me to let her be and leave it Gods hands. I guess I should have listened. Father also said to listen to your gut? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Your priest was right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 see[url="http://news.yahoo.com/comics/forbetterorforworse"]: For Better or For Worse[/url] 04/14/08 comic strip, so right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1498823' date='Apr 13 2008, 09:10 PM']It's not about money. After her first year at college I haven't been asked for money or anything. All I've ever wanted was to converse and be acknowledged. Her Birthday's, Christmases' have come and gone, without a word or reply. If it was only me being ignored, I could live with it (not like it), but it's not. I feel like the father in the "Prodigal son" parable without the happy ending.[/quote] Like I said before, I know how it hurts as a little sister, I can't imagine how much it must hurt as a parent. Similarly, in our family it was politely avoided by other family members. Maybe you just haven't reached the happy ending yet. I know it hurts and I know it smells of elderberries, but really, there's nothing you CAN do, besides pray for her and love her. This sort of thing is a long process. I'll pray for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1499572' date='Apr 14 2008, 07:10 PM']There are two sides to a coin and you don't know both sides, okay, but as a father and head of the household I will not give up hope that this madness will someday come to end.[/quote] In the meantime, you really need to focus on what you can do to help heal your family despite this. As head of the household, you need to be sure to keep the rest of the train on the tracks. Get counseling for you, your wife, and perhaps your other kids. I know it sounds cheesy, but, trust me, it could change your life. Do what you can to help what you have, fix what may be broken, and pray for what needs to happen. In the end, that prayer may not lead to your family being together, but it will certainly lead to personal healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 17, 2008 Author Share Posted April 17, 2008 [quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1447847' date='Jan 19 2008, 07:00 PM']THey won't appreciate it until the start their own families. Be happy they are involved in their own lives and are functional adults in the making. Our job as parents are to give them wings and teach them how to use them. Appreciation appears much much later in the scheme of things, so if you are looking for gratitude you got a long way to go. Be happy that they are happy, and work on your own interests awhile. Once marriage and grandbabies arrive you will get more than enough gratitude for your efforts than you can imagine now. To everything there is a season and a time and purpose under heaven. This is the time to watch them learn to fly. cmom mum to a 25, 22, 20 extra mum to a 26, 24, 22, 21, 12[/quote] What you suggest as normal has got to be the most horrible inane pile of manure I have ever heard. My other adult children do care for my wife and me, and talk often. Families of there own is still a long way off, but when they do find someone and start a family we are looking forward to being a part of it. To give away the bride, [size=6]WOW[/size] would be most triumphant day. O and grandkids, need I say more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1502007' date='Apr 17 2008, 07:31 PM']What you suggest as normal has got to be the most horrible inane pile of manure I have ever heard. My other adult children do care for my wife and me, and talk often. Families of there own is still a long way off, but when they do find someone and start a family we are looking forward to being a part of it. To give away the bride, [size=6]WOW[/size] would be most triumphant day. O and grandkids, need I say more.[/quote] Why? Our job as parents is to raise our kids to be functioning adults, not cling-ons or clones. I hope to be a part of my kids life, but its a mutual decision, not a God-given right. I have always had a life outside of my children's existance, just as they have activities outside of my sphere. When kids go off to college they usually start their separate existance as adults, and then our interactions are by choice, not by my demand. We try to get together for holidays, but for example this year until Sept my daughter will still be at army training and my son working in DC. Then who knows where life will take them. If I have done a good job as parent then I have given them a solid foundations and wings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 not cling-ons or clones, what?!! [b][url="http://news.yahoo.com/comics/forbetterorforworse"]http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/...b_uc/fb20080418[/url][/b] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathoholic_anonymous Posted April 18, 2008 Share Posted April 18, 2008 Apparent, I don't doubt that you love your daughter very much, but it is possible that the way you try and show your love may be interpreted by her as overly clingy or suffocating behaviour. That cartoon that you linked to would be a reasonable illustration of what your hopes are for your daughter if you were talking about a fourteen or fifteen-year-old girl, but you're not. She's in her early twenties. She's not a teenager who has stormed up to her room overwhelmed by homework. My half-brother and half-sister have very little contact with my parents. Since they left home when I was five, I cannot remember them ever sending my dad a birthday card or getting him a Christmas present. Father's Day comes and goes, and mine is the only card sitting on the windowsill. It hurts him. He doesn't talk about it, but I know it hurts him - especially as the only time when my siblings get in touch is when they want some money. They have deceived my parents as to their real circumstances and told numerous other lies as a way of getting cash. Sometimes they promise to pay it back, but they never have. They're in their early thirties now. Their behaviour is explained in part by the difficulties they faced as children - my dad's first wife abused and neglected them when he was out of the country - but much of it can be ascribed to their unwillingness to let go of that past and move on. The last time I saw my sister, she commented on my new shoes and said, "I was never given shoes like that." The fact that I'm now an adult woman who gets her own shoes didn't register: in her fantasies my parents pampered me while they neglected her, and that's still the case. She still thinks that she has a claim on their money and other resources now that she's thirty-three. My dad handles this by not talking to them unless they talk to him first. He's tried all other options. He can't realistically do any more. And he prays. Even though your family situation is different, I think that you should follow his example. I had a very close friend whom I mentored when she was placed in psychiatric care. I saw her through police interviews and court-related business when the Crown Prosecution Service looked into prosecuting her rapist, who was largely the reason why she got so ill. In addition to that, we had a lot of fun together. On my first visit to the hospital, after we had been dancing madly around the room, she said, "This is the happiest I've felt in a long time." She doesn't want to talk to me any more. She blocked all her old friends on MSN. I was the last go, but in the end she pushed me away too. It hurts, and I miss her, but I can't chase after her or cling on. We never had a pseudo mother-daughter relationship or anything, but she was like my sister and there is a hole in my life where she used to be. It bothers me that she doesn't telephone or write or visit, but I know that I can't do anything now. I did my best to help her on the road to recovery. She's chosen to make the rest of the journey alone. Personally I think she's making a lot of mistakes and is likely to make herself more ill, but it's not my prerogative to do anything about it. I just have to trust her and trust God, and remind myself regularly that I am not Miss Fix-It or a superhero. It's a tough lesson to learn, and it must be tougher still when it's your daughter, but you must learn it someday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 [quote]Apparent, I don't doubt that you love your daughter very much[/quote] Yes I do, is that so wrong? What crime have I committed to want (need) to converse with an offspring after they have grown up and left home? Is writing a note or a quick visit and just keeping in touch, to much to ask. I don't think so. Mothers have dreams for there own, not to be confused with controlling or smothering or anything likes that. It may be none of my business, after 21, certainly not from a matter of civil law. What matters to me is being civil with each other. Civility is a two way street, after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 (edited) She [i]is[/i] 21...she does not has to be civil to you if she doesn't want to. She's grown up. She can make her own decisions. I know that sounds harsh, but let her be. Forcing anything upon her is going to make it worse. Edited April 20, 2008 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 20, 2008 Author Share Posted April 20, 2008 [quote name='rachael' post='1504222' date='Apr 20 2008, 03:18 PM']She [i]is[/i] 21...she does not has to be civil to you if she doesn't want to. She's grown up. She can make her own decisions. I know that sounds harsh, but let her be. Forcing anything upon her is going to make it worse.[/quote] You’re absolutely right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 In my opinion, the best remedy is time, but that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jkaands Posted April 20, 2008 Share Posted April 20, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1497614' date='Apr 11 2008, 08:34 PM']All I can say is that my daughter was raised in catholic home in an honorably way. Her brothers are both well adjusted young men. We all lived clean wholesome lives, attended mass weekly and participated often in catholic community activities. Letting go is not really the issue here. My immediate and extended family members have not conspired against this daughter who wants no part of her family. All are good people, all are my friends, and all pretend that nothing is amiss and avoid the subject of my child. I can not pretend that she, my only daughter doesn't matter! I have to go with my gut. Lord god forgive me if I'm wrong. Do parental rights end at 21? Does the forth commandment say; Honor your father and your mother, until the age of 21[/quote] I believe parental rights end at 18. At 18, one can be drafted, vote, and marry without parental permission. Parents are no longer required to support a child beyond 18. If your child is financially independent, there is nothing you can do. Lie low. Maybe a friend, relative or one of her brothers can keep track of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-I---Love Posted April 21, 2008 Share Posted April 21, 2008 Your pain is natural. But at this point just lie low, and let go. Lots of time can change things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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