apparent Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ardillacid Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 Are you paying for her schooling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrestia Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 My opinion: yes. Sounds like a good time to ask St. Monica for help. I'll pray for your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kujo Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 Tough call. I think she wants a certain level of independence, and she has that right; however, she should be respectful. I had these bouts with my mom, too. I feel bad about it now. I dunno. Maybe you should try respecting her wishes, unreasonable tough they may be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatherineM Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 I went through that. I just wanted so much to make my own way. My mother and I never had a close relationship. It did pass. She gave me some space. I was paying my own way, so I guess I felt like she didn't have the right to have a say. I'm sure it was very hard on her. I don't have contact with my foster sons. They are 19 and 22, and that's kind of how it works, so I knew that was going to happen. It doesn't make it easier. You don't stop worrying when they turn 18. You may have to just offer this up, and hope that time and distance and maturity will change her mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 It reminds me of my brother, actually, when he was 24. He never explicitly said any of that to us, but made it clear he though we were about as intelligent as a pile of bread crumbs and wanted us to be out of his life, going so far as to tell my parents not to visit, when they'd be passing by where he was attending grad school. He had/has severe depression, which doesn't really make it hurt less, but at least now we know WHY he is like this. Is there any sort of mental thing that could be wrong with her (like depression or something)? Are you paying for her schooling --or anythign for that matter? It's always been understood with my family that if my parents are paying, then YES, it is their business and yes they have some say in where we go and what we do. When I start paying all on my own, I can do as I please, but as long as they are buttering my bread, they have a say in what goes on. And does she have problems with your wife, too, or is your wife just upset about what is going on between you and your daughter? If it is just you that she's ticked at, I would recommend backing off. If it's both of you, I know my parents just cut way back on their attempts with my brother, telling him that he could come back any time and they love him, but that they weren't going to push the issue. It hurt them a lot (and the rest of the family, as well), but there really IS nothing they could do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicMax Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 9 2008, 10:01 PM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote] If she cant take your call she can pay her own way in college. where did you send her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apparent Posted April 10, 2008 Author Share Posted April 10, 2008 Silence is not golden. She is totally on her own, by her own choosing. I know that the mental and spiritual health for my wife, extended family and me is a horrific and sad burden to carry. I can only guess what my daughter feels, but I know in my heart that it is unhealthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoosieranna Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 Prayers. I've had some blazing rows with my dad in the past. Thankfully, we're still fairly close. I don't have an opinion. Just wanted to let you know that there are folks praying for the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 (edited) I was horrible to my parents when I was younger and the less time I spent with them the better. Now we are very very close. I would just let her be and when she needs you, she will come. She obviously has some issues and you can't force her to deal with them. If this change came on very suddenly though, I would question why she so badly wants you out of her life. That was how I changed when I started doing drugs and knew what I would hear. I don't want to alarm you on that but, you can't do anything about whatever is going on in her life. No one could with me. If she is 21 and living on her own and paying her own way in life. She has the right to live however she wants. Edited April 10, 2008 by Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissScripture Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496199' date='Apr 10 2008, 07:15 AM']Silence is not golden. She is totally on her own, by her own choosing. I know that the mental and spiritual health for my wife, extended family and me is a horrific and sad burden to carry. I can only guess what my daughter feels, but I know in my heart that it is unhealthy.[/quote] As a little sister it hurt a lot, I can't imagine how much it hurts as a parent. Prayers for you and your family, especially your daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='Deb' post='1496242' date='Apr 10 2008, 07:35 AM']I would just let her be and when she needs you, she will come. She obviously has some issues and you can't force her to deal with them. If she is 21 and living on her own and paying her own way in life. She has the right to live however she wants.[/quote] +J.M.J.+ i agree with deb here. by you constantly seeking her and trying to be a part of her life, you are driving her further away. and i want to be honest here with everyone. maybe there are legitimate reasons his daughter wants no part of her family. because his daughter doesn't post here, we don't know all the sides of the story. we are only getting one side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
praying4carmel Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 10 2008, 01:01 AM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
praying4carmel Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 10 2008, 01:01 AM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote] Sorry..it got screwey there for a minute and I got a Flood control warning.. From Personal Experience..unfortunately.. Is this a fairly Recent Phenomenon? Or has she been rebellious before? If it is recent you may have an underlying substance abuse problem going on. if you suspect this then I would recommend Al-Anon Family services for yourself, and your marital pertner. You will not be able to do anything but take care of yourself for awhile. Trying to Change things will only make it worse. If you do not suspect that then then opnly thing I can say is give space..it will help..Pray to monica and ask our Lord for Patience. You are in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prose Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 Your post is vague, so I am going to play the other side for a minute: Have you done anything to cause this behavior? Is there legitimate reason that she wants no contact? If so, then you need to back off and let her heal. Even if you haven't, she is paying for herself and living on her own, and is a fully grown adult. If she is choosing to not have you in her life, you need to respect that just as you would with any other adult. It may not be to your liking, but that is the way it needs to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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