Confession

[farglefeezlebut]

Ok. I went to confession today, but I don't think it was valid.. I confessed to a lot of things, including gluttony, masturbation, not praying enough, sloth, impatience and taking an overdose of anti-depressants. There were other things I needed to confess, including some nasty prejudices I have had for several years and have only recently realised are prejudices and not just preferences for hanging out with certain kinds of people. Also I did not confess to taking communion when I knew I shouldn't have. I thought about these things as I was preparing but I forgot to say them.
But I realised as I was receiving absolution that I wasn't really sorry for my sins. I don't want to stop being sinful until I am happy. When I am happy with myself and my life then I won't want to take refuge in gluttony and lust. But I want to wait to be happy before I start being holy. And I will not be happy until I am holy, because happiness is more than a feeling, it is a state of knowing God and knowing His love. What I want is absolution that's like a magic spell. I don't want responsibility.
How can I make myself really sorry?

[CatherineM]

Empathy is a hard thing to teach to someone else. It may seem like you are only injuring yourself, but the little things that we do to ourselves do hurt those around us even if we don't realize it. The idea of waiting until you are happy to start living, is a nasty hole to put yourself in. I've know lots of people who have done that half their lives. I'll do this or that as soon as I lose weight, get my degree, make enough money, stop drinking, stop smoking, etc. Life goes on around you whether you like it or not. The most profound experience I had at your age was volunteering at a homeless shelter. You will find lots of people there whose lives have gone of course, and they can't figure out why, or get them back on the right track. Something like that will make you appreciate the life you have rather than waiting for the life you think you are going to have some day. Becoming truly sorry for your sins can come when you see yourself at 40 years old through seeing another person who went down the wrong path.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

FFB, you are very ill. It's vital that your confessor knows about the nature of your illness so that he can distinguish between your symptoms and your sins. A strange priest won't know you well enough to be able to do this easily, which is why I think that you should confide more readily in your dad. I'm not saying that you should confess to him - I know that would be difficult. But you should make good use of his threefold experience as a priest, a hospital chaplain, and a very loving and concerned father to you. You won't be worrying or upsetting him, so put that thought out of your mind. Remember how relieved your mum was when you started being open with your family about how you were feeling. They will be happy to help you assuage the feelings of guilt that arise from your illness.

Because that is what you are feeling at the moment. Guilt. Not sorrow. Sorrow is what is needed for confession, and to be truly sorry you need two things: awareness of how much God loves you and the realisation that you are called to holiness. This is a blessed invitation. In the parable of the wedding feast, the people who were invited off the street didn't stop to enumerate all the reasons why they were unworthy to go. They just went. This is the second thing that is needed for confession: the kind of trusting courage that will allow you to respond to God's love [i]just as you are[/i]. Right now you are seriously unwell. This means that you will experience distressing thoughts, get urges to harm yourself physically, wish you were dead, and perhaps try to act on these thoughts. God isn't expecting you to magic yourself better before you continue on your journey to holiness. What He asks of you is to accept yourself just as He accepts you. When you do this, He can work within you to give you healing and peace.

This means saying, "God, I trust that you are looking after me and helping me even when I can't feel it. I lay aside the desire to prove to myself that I can achieve holiness by doing certain things in a certain way. I know that I'm too unwell to do these things as I used to, which I accept as a blessing. It means that I will have to learn to do without the superficial comfort brought to me by a perfectly observed fast, a fifteen-decade rosary. It means that you can teach me how to want You for Your own sake, as I will have to learn that my healing and holiness depend on your grace rather than my efforts."

With regard to your present situation, this acceptance means saying simply and honestly: "God, I don't want to be sorry. I just want to be happy. Help." God is more interested in what you actually want to say to Him, rather than what you feel you OUGHT to say to Him.

[Era Might]

Holiness is not something that "happens" to you. It is something that you have to commit yourself to. You have to be refined by fire, and part of that is living through your temptations and depression.

Jesus breaks the chains that keep us enslaved, but he does so slowly. When you are separated from God, it is like you are chained inside a prison cell. When you go to Jesus, it is like he opens the door of the cell and lets you leave, but you still have the chains attached to your body. You have to walk with those chains, and Our Lord breaks them one by one. In your weakness, you don't want to walk with those heavy chains. You would rather go back to the cell and sit in darkness, and that is what happens when you relapse into sin. St. Alphonsus compared it to a man who is under a heavy rock. It takes so much effort to lift the rock that he would rather just stay there. In a weird way, you are afraid to be healed. You can't imagine your life without those vices. You may sincerely repent one moment, but once you start walking in God's grace, you don't want to go too far. The chains are trying to pull you back, telling you how comfortable it is to go back to that dark cell where you can be with those vices. And this becomes a pattern. You repent, but stay close to your vices, fall back into them, and then repeat the cycle.

That is why you need to be refined by fire, even though it may seem cruel. Once you live through your temptations and resist them, you start to see that freedom is possible, that virtue is more peaceful than that dark cell. But this can only be done by will aided by grace. You are waiting for holiness to "happen" to you, but holiness consists in waking up every day, and choosing to do God's will, choosing to fight against temptations, and if you fall into sin, choosing not to remain there, but going to Jesus, who is the medicine of salvation.

As for being sorry for your sins, I suggest you discuss this with the Priest when you go to confession. The essential thing is that you want to be sorry for your sins (it is an act of the will, not necessarily a feeling), and that you are firmly committed to not sinning again (which doesn't mean that you are no longer weak, but that you will do everything not to give in to that weakness). Explain yourself to the Priest, and he will be the judge of whether or not you are sufficiently sorry for your sins. It is important that you explain everything to the Priest, and that you confess all your sins. As it is said, the Priest cannot diagnose your sickness unless he knows all the symptoms.

[Guest Godislove]

Hi,

I am a friend of Farglefeezlebut. I have been browsing this forum for some time now, though this will be my first post. Although I am not a catholic myself (I am a baptist), I thought I would offer some of my thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Firstly, I would just like to say that you shouldn't feel at all guilty, Farglefeezlebut. All the things you mentioned are something that every human being can relate to (and has done), if they are totally honest. You have not done anything evil in the eyes of God, and so you should definitely not feel any shame. As human beings, none of us are perfect. We are incapable of being Godlike, or achieving anything approaching perfection. That is not to say that we can't lead good lives and be decent people though. Nor does it mean that we should resign ourselves to sinful ways. It does, however, mean that we should not be too hard on ourselves. You should not beat yourself up over relatively normal things, such as the things you described. Personally speaking, if i worried over every minor sin I have ever committed, I would not be able to move on with my life! Instead, you have to learn to forgive yourself and move on - everyone else has to. Otherwise, if we can't forgive ourselves for minor things, then life is going to be very tough! In any case, I don't think God wants us to be perfect - he just wants us to do our best and be kind to others.

This leads me onto my next point. For anyone who doesn't know, I used to suffer from quite severe depression until recently. Farglefeezlebut helped me through this very difficult time by being a really great friend and being very kind to me. She is a true example of how religious people (and we all generally) should be. She didn't have to be kind and befriend me, but she did because that is the sort of person she is. She also is the same to other people I know, and always offers people advice and is kind to them even when she is not feeling well herself. Without her support, I don't know what would have happened to me.

I think you should stop reflecting on sin so much. You are a great deal less sinful than most people on this planet, and as the above has demonstrated, you are a kind-hearted and lovely person - there can be no arguing that fact. God loves you truly as you are. He does not ask people to be perfect, just to follow him and help others. You are already doing that, even during this most testing period of you life. You are a true inspiration to me and other people.

Godislove

Edited March 16, 2008 by Godislove

[Noel's angel]

Godislove, you have the right sentiments and I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but you moral theology is waaaay off.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

[quote name='Noel's angel' post='1478917' date='Mar 17 2008, 11:49 PM']Godislove, you have the right sentiments and I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but you moral theology is waaaay off.[/quote]

Godislove is quite new to the practice of the Christian faith. He has always believed in God, but he didn't attend church much until last summer, when he went to a Christian camp as an assistant to a special needs child. He's very enthusiastic and very prayerful, but he's still in the early stages of learning. He does his best.

[WillT]

[quote name='Godislove' post='1477759' date='Mar 15 2008, 07:01 PM']In any case, I don't think God wants us to be perfect - he just wants us to do our best and be kind to others.

God loves you truly as you are. He does not ask people to be perfect, just to follow him and help others.
Godislove[/quote]

From Mathew,
[quote]21
"You have heard that it was said to your ancestors, 'You shall not kill; and whoever kills will be liable to judgment.'
22
But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment, and whoever says to his brother, 'Raqa,' will be answerable to the Sanhedrin, and whoever says, 'You fool,' will be liable to fiery Gehenna.
23
Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you,
24
leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
25
Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison.
26
Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny.
27
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
28
But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
29
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into Gehenna.
30
And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your members than to have your whole body go into Gehenna.
31
"It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife must give her a bill of divorce.'
32
But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
33
"Again you have heard that it was said to your ancestors, 'Do not take a false oath, but make good to the Lord all that you vow.'
34
But I say to you, do not swear at all; not by heaven, for it is God's throne;
35
nor by the earth, for it is his footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King.
36
Do not swear by your head, for you cannot make a single hair white or black.
37
Let your 'Yes' mean 'Yes,' and your 'No' mean 'No.' Anything more is from the evil one.
38
"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'
39
But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.
40
If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well.
41
Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles.
42
Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.
43
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'
44
But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,
45
that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.
46
For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same?
47
And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same?
[b]48 [/b]
[b]So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.[/b][/quote]

Just trying to give you the scriptural basis for what others have said re: sin.

[Guest Godislove]

I guess everyone interprets the Christian faith differently (as they do the Bible).

My main point is that there has never been a human being alive who has not sinned on numerous occasions. Our duty as christians is to follow God, but at the same time not to beat ourselves up if we sin along the way. We all judge others, can be selfish, be nasty etc. so denying this fact is like denying we are human. Our role is to fight such self-centredness and try to resist temptations. No one on earth has completely managed to do this, however.

My main point in my previous post is that people, rather than dwelling on their sins, are merely called by God to do their absolute best. Reflecting on sins to an excessive degree doesn't really help us as christians - it's counterproductive.


Godislove.

[Noel's angel]

[quote name='Cathoholic Anonymous' post='1478953' date='Mar 18 2008, 01:43 AM']Godislove is quite new to the practice of the Christian faith. He has always believed in God, but he didn't attend church much until last summer, when he went to a Christian camp as an assistant to a special needs child. He's very enthusiastic and very prayerful, but he's still in the early stages of learning. He does his best. [/quote]

Maybe those who aren't sure shouldn't give advice on topics such as this, even if they do mean well. It can lead to further confusion.

[Guest Godislove]

Those are just my beliefs. After all, I'm a baptist and don't pretend to be anything else. I posted on here to provide support for my catholic friend who is ill, not have my theology analysed.

Sorry for the confusion.


Godislove.

Edited March 18, 2008 by Godislove

[Noel's angel]

As I said, you mean well, and obviously that is important.

[Guest KrisT]

Era Might's insights are right on target IMHO. I would add one more thing that I think is very important: you migh want to consider praying and finding one priest to act as spiritual director and confessor. While it is true that any priest can offer the sacrament of confession and bring you back into God's grace I have found in the past year innumerable graces and spiritual growth with the direction of a holy priest.

[rkwright]

I there needs to be balance in your 'sorrow' for sins. To me, being sorry includes elements of Hope.

The opposite of hope lies in the two extremes; despair and arrogance.

You strive for holiness, you have hope in God, yet you have sin. This is a common problem; dare I say that everyone here probably struggles with this. Possibly every Christian.

When you sin you cannot fall into despair. Giving up hope in God is not the route to go. This is especially tempting if you have some sort of reoccurring sin. Say you go to confession, confess X, then a week later commit X. Its very tempting to say 'Wow I guess I wasn't really sincere in my confession. Am I really sorry??' I think these are lies of despair. Satan is trying to let you fall into despair that you're not really sorry, you're a joke.

The opposite would be arrogance. 'Everyone's doing it' 'Its not really wrong' 'God will forgive so no big deal'.

The appropriate response is in the middle. I'm sorry for what I've done, I have sinned, again. But I am sorry and I want to get better. I know You look down upon my actions, but I know You will lead me out of this. Jesus I trust in you.

I think the fact that you're going to confession at all seems to imply or point to some sort of sorrow for your sins.

[farglefeezlebut]

Thanks rk. That's some very good advice I'll try to follow.