Interview With Dust

[Winchester]

Dustin Seiber (his friends call him: “Skipper”) is a mountainous man. Tall, muscular and imposing, he arrives to the interview in an ill-fitting brown suit. He ducks under the door and though he sits down gingerly, the chair groans. He could have had a career in the NFL, had he not spent his younger years working as a bouncer in various night clubs throughout Europe. His head, newly shaved, gleams brightly when he removes a huge brown fedora, which he sets upon his enormous right knee. His arms are ropy with muscle, powerful. But the man is gentle, and he bears his size gracefully. His voice, though deep and rumbling, is not overwhelming; in addition to his years as a bouncer, he toured with Cats for several years, providing the deepest notes in the choral movements. The experience shows through as he modulates his voice in responding.

W: How different is it being a webmaster from being a European bouncer?
D: (laughs) I get asked that a lot. True story: I was on the phone with Joe (Pope Benedict) and we were discussing The Black Swan, where I last worked, and he asked how much better it must be hanging out with all the Catholics on Phat Mass. (interesting side note: the proper name is truly two words. Phat Mass, with a pause in between and stress on both words, but the current format of internet addresses renders the aural distinction ineffective. This plagued Dust for months, but he finally chalked it up to life and moved on.) and I told him: “I think there’s more diversity on Phat Mass than there ever was at the Black Swan.”

W: Have you thought of returning to the stage.
D: I have.

W: Any chance?
D: Well, I think my ministry would suffer. And there’s the ferrets, too. (Shortly after establishing himself in the world that is Phatmass.com, Dust took up a longtime passion shared by his family for generations: the breeding of Ferrets. The Seiber family is responsible for at least two ferret breeds: The Piebald Long Leg and the Spotted Bald Tail, both very popular in America and consistently represented in the numerous contests around the world.) I might take it up one day. I’ve been approached for Phantom, but it’s simply not doable, right now. There is a local small theatre, though…

W: I’m sure everyone wonders this: Why the Web, and why now?
D: (Thinks.) Well, shortly after my run with Cats, I met John Cardinal Ratzinger at a mixer for the final show. He was playing the overture on a baby grand and I was so impressed, I walked over and introduced myself. He’s a ferret collector and asked if I was from that Seiber family and I said yes. We talked about Cool Pope and he expressed disappointment at not having a new website and the demise of the family kennel following the fire in 79 (In 1979, a bucket of oily rags burst into flames in the Seiber kennel. Dustin’s grandfather lost his prize Sire, Mr. Muffin-Face-Cutey-Tail and was unable to go on breeding due to grief. Dustin’s father maintained a modest facility until 1989 when it folded due to changes in gene licensing. Dustin’s prize sire is the same breed, with the name Mr. Otis-Fluffy-Bum, coyly referring to Muffins through the famous muffin moniker, Otis.) It got me thinking. Incidentally, the good Cardinal’s dietary worries played a part in choosing the name Phat Mass.

W: Where do you see Phat Mass in ten years?
D: On the internet, most likely.

W: Where do you see Dustin Seiber in ten years?
D: I would say somewhere in the Swiss Alps. There are interesting developments in the more cold resistant ferret breeds. I’d like to spend a season or two up there. I’d like to leave my mark on the ferret world with a new breed. Something strong enough to survive extreme weather, but still gentle enough to be a trusted family pet.

W: What about the tacos, so very tasty and good for you,?
D: (Very quiet. Finally starts to tear up.) I’ve obviously thought about that a lot. Give me a moment. I believe in family loyalty. No one for generations has been involved with the taco business since..you know…(In the 1930’s Dust’s ancestors owned a Texas wide chain of taco restaurants. The restaurants were lost due to hostile takeover. The Seiber family was plunged into financial ruin and vowed never again to produce food) It’s a sore subject. Certainly I’d like to open a restaurant, but the collective pain is too deep. Like everyone in my family, I am a professionally trained chef, but like everyone else, I have taken the solemn Seiber vow to not sell anything I cook. I take family very seriously.

W: What is your typical day like?
D: Typical? My days are far from typical…but I take your meaning. I usually awake at three AM and tend the kennel until nine, when I eat a breakfast of French Toast and a three egg Spanish omelet. From nine-fifteen to noon I am typically in conferences with various Church officials or theologians. I eat lunch from noon to ten past, standing at my desk with an orange juice and unlit pipe (Dust gave up smoking to conserve his singing voice.) After lunch until two-thirty, I am blasting away at Phat Mass. From two-thirty to four I work out. Pilates, kettle balls, some Tai Chi usually. Around four fifteen, I am back a the webmaster work. I work until nine, when I have a dinner of Spam straight out of the can. I am in bed by nine-ten sharp.

W: Quite a full day.
D: It keeps me active.

[Laudate_Dominum]

more!

[Lil Red]

[littleflower+JMJ]

oh gosh I love it LOL I have to ditto the more! lol

[Azriel]

You got to love it when Winnie comes home to play.

[-I---Love]

Brilliant.

I want to say more, but just don't know how to give a compliment that will do this justice!

Hilarious, witty, sarcastic even, creative, spontaneous, very real.

I don't even know if there can be a part two because this is so darn good. But if there can be...I can't wait!

Winchester - that was awesome and you are amazing!!!!!!

[ardillacid]

Is it Sieber or Seiber?

[Winchester]

[quote name='notardillacid' post='1414999' date='Nov 5 2007, 06:59 PM']Is it Sieber or Seiber?[/quote]
That's going to be covered in the next part.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

ROFL

I love it. It's so ridiculous, it might actually be true.

[uppercut55]

i though his real name was dust!

[jeffpugh]

[quote]Hilarious, witty, sarcastic even, creative, spontaneous, very real.[/quote]

I almost believed the story. But I took it from the context that it was Winchester writing and there were a few moments of wit that could only point to parody.

Well done!

[inDEED]

It's funny...because it's true!

[jmjtina]

This IS GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[IcePrincessKRS]

[quote name='Winchester' post='1414922' date='Nov 5 2007, 03:54 PM']W: I’m sure everyone wonders this: Why the Web, and why now?
D: (Thinks.) Well, shortly after my run with Cats, I met [u][b]John Cardinal Ratzinger[/b][/u] at a mixer for the final show.[/quote]

[Winchester]

Still trying to schedule a new interview.