Conversion Stories

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Cathoholic Anonymous' post='1403875' date='Oct 16 2007, 07:42 PM']And I love being Catholic.[/quote]
beautiful story! thank you for sharing it!

[Seven77]

Cathoholic Anonymous! Thanks for sharing that!

[hyperdulia again]

Shock and Awe
By: Todd Allen



I was born in a small South Carolina farming town – a real Mecca of Catholocism – we had exactly the same number of Catholics as Jews – one family of each. I, however, grew up in the United Methodist church and along with my grandfather, don’t recall ever being absent from Sunday School or Choir practice. In college, at the invitation of one of my Cross Country teammates, I joined the Navigator Ministry and in February of 1982 I “accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior” in a very sacred campus environment – a Burger King restaurant! Throughout the next 10 years, I would be baptized 4 times, memorize countless scripture verses but always wrestle with my salvation as the temptations of being a single dental student and then naval officer proved too strong. I put up a good front in the Bible studies…but outside those walls, I was afraid to admit to being a follower of Christ.

Marriage changed that somewhat, as perhaps that was part of the attraction for the woman God brought into my life as a marriage partner. Though we were married in the Episcopalian church, we quickly set out on a quest (better known to Protestants as “church hopping”) to “find Jesus”…or as we would always refer to it as – “find where Jesus would have us worship”. And in 1993, at a Calvary Chapel church – Beth, too, had a spiritual awakening and felt Christ’s Saving Grace. The following 3 years were quite tumultuous - 4 more Navy relocations, deployments and postgraduate school and the birth of our first son. God had to settle for a back seat, and when we decided to separated from the Navy, our spiritual life was back-burnered even more. With setting up a private practice, Beth working nights as a cake decorator, our marriage was also under siege…and, as my friend Juan so aptly says: I found myself “living to work” instead of “working to live”. The road we traveled took us farther from God and from one another. I became content with sleeping in on Sunday mornings while Beth at least tried to look out for our son’s spiritual welfare and began “shopping” for a church home. Eventually I was “guilted” into the realization of my spiritual emptiness, and finally conceded to attending a mainline Methodist church with her. My emotional withdrawl from her had forced Beth into a marital desert, and the vibrancy of the evangelical worship and fellowship of this church began to awaken me to my self-centeredness. Yet despite my renewed excitement over “God” and “our New Church Home”, Beth remained sad and distant…and then, Beth suffered the miscarriage of Jamie in the winter of 2002…I remember making myself feel sad in order to commissurate with her. She was devastated…I was perplexed. I just didn’t grasp the gravity of what had happened…to her…to us. I was also confused as to why she refused to become involved with the Methodist church like we had many years before at Calvary Chapel. She seemed to be drawn to the Communion portion of the Sunday Services. The fact we were always the last couple left kneeling at the communion rail coupled with Beth’s trembling and sobbing must have convinced the congregation we were plagued by some aggregious sins! God was moving…only I was overlooking His tremors…just as I was overlooking my family.

Then, the tremors intensified. On December 24, 2002 I asked Beth to invite our new friends of the past 6 months to the 6 p.m. Christmas service at the Methodist church. I watched as this Catholic family of 7 sat very motionless throughout the hour-long service – I was hoping some light would come on for them, or at least a seed would be planted. The joy that hour for me would be the last ounce of Peace I would Know for many weeks to come.

At 10 p.m. that very night, Beth asked whether I minded if she attended Midnight services with this same family at their church. I knew this meant me staying home primarily because our children were already in bed. I cautiously replied “I didn’t care”. Inside, I was amazed she would even entertain the thought of leaving us on Christmas eve to be with another family. I remember faking sleep as I watched her put on her finest dress at 11:30, and then sarcastically muttering “have a good time” when she bent over to kiss me. This was my best attempt at inflicting yet another wound. As I heard the van depart the driveway, my pulse began to race wildly and I got out of bed to pace the floors of our cottage and talk aloud angrily. I went to the coffee table by the couch where Beth now spent the wee hours of each morning presumedly in prayer. I picked up a book entitled, Early Church Fathers, from among the large stack beside the table and then a prayer book that I had always presumed to be Episcopalian. The quiet conversations with the other family, the e-mails I had recently happened upon….now they began to make sense. “Lord”, I screamed aloud, “NOT CATHOLICISM.” I didn’t even remember our children were asleep. Granted, this family appeared to actually possess a genuine love of Jesus, but I was sure it was a deceptive façade…I mean, how could they…they were part of a CULT…I couldn’t list 3 Catholic beliefs, but I was SURE God had condemned this Religion. Although, I was surrounded by Catholics for the past 20 years, none had ever discussed their faith with me…and MOST were easily persuaded to sample the JESUS and Excitement of the Evangelical movement with which I had become familiar.

But NOW this was PERSONAL. MY FAMILY was under ATTACK. I became convinced this was a carefully orchestrated scheme to lure my wife and children not only into Rome, but AWAY from me. She had found a way out of our marriage. I was livid.

The next 2 hours were utter hell. I felt incredible rage, deceit, desertion, loneliness – pain both mentally and physically in my heart. As my heart pounded through my t-shirt and in my ears, I realized it had begun to rain. But not just any rain --- a torrential downpour. It beat down on the roof with such fury, I ceased my ranting and, after checking on our two boys, returned to our bed. I tried in vain to keep my eyes closed and shut down my brain, but with each drop of water the reality of HOPELESSNESS enveloped me more tightly. I wasn’t sure if I was one breath away from cardiac arrest or a mental breakdown. The idea of turning to God for help didn’t even occur to me…I never felt more distant and even separated from Him in my life. Interestingly enough, I was convinced it was He who had deserted me in my greatest time of need. Suddenly, headlights appeared in the driveway.

I can’t even begin to describe the ensuing 4 hours…I exploded like an atomic bomb in the face a totally unsuspecting victim. Sunrise brought an end to the rain, but no end to the confusion and pain for Beth or me…I then proceeded to walk out on my wife and children on Christmas morning. We explained to two loving little boys, at first eager to see Santa’s gifts – now nervously clinging to their mother, that Daddy had to go away for a short while. Though forgiven, I will never forget that moment.

My truck drove me to Beth’s father’s home….and with his strength and guidance (Praise God), I returned home by nightfall. Beth met me outside with Christ’s unconditional love emminating from her eyes…we embraced, but I felt extremely NUMB.

The next week, we met with the Methodist pastor for a counseling session. I was still struggling to regain my sanity, and though I felt shattered and feared our marriage was as well, I stubbornly refused to listen to Beth’s side of the matter. I had confiscated her books, and upon presenting them to the minister – he calmly requested I return them to her and encouraged me to be open to her desire to seek the Truth as God had placed on her heart. I was shocked…and, as Beth likes to tease me now, I certainly overlooked the Rosary hanging above his desk!

He had us enroll in a Bible Study compiled by a Baptist minister, entitled “EXPERIENCING GOD”. The purpose of it was to help one Know and Do the Will of God and NOT one’s Own. It required the participant to begin with a thorough Surrender to Jesus Christ and embodied the following:

_____(show chalk board and read small sheet )______________

To me, I had nothing to lose and I truly “poured” myself into each session. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed the introspection and meditative-like prayer it called for.
But despite the advances – as I felt His presence – I continued on a Roller Coaster of emotions throughout the work week. The sleepless nights for Beth and I were taking a toll – my body was numb to all the Benadryl I was consuming each night. Any gains during the sessions were being crushed by me replaying the events of Christmas at night. Beth was immensely patient, but she hurt so much for me – for us. How could I hurt this woman I professed to love. Even through the Daggars I would cast at her, she would stand before full of mercy and I could see Christ in her eyes. I resisted the Love being offered, and continued the SPARRING with our God. For some reason, the phrase, “He always brings us to a CRISIS of BELIEF” stayed in my mind.

One night as I went to move boxes in our garage, a cassette tape fell to the floor – it was entitled the SCOTT HAHN CONVERSION STORY. More catholic propaganda hidden away, I chuckled. Later that evening, after Beth was asleep, I stepped into the kitchen and popped the tape into the player. It was difficult listening to the words…some of them rang true (questions regarding Solo Scriptura and Solo Fide)…but at the end I just laughed that I could never be persuaded that anyone would TRULY be called by GOD to become Catholic.

The very next morning, a cold and rainy March Morning in 2003, I tried to muster a smile and an “I love you” to Beth, and tensely got into my truck for the now agonizing journey into work. Peace was totally elusive. I recall the sudden RAGE erupting in me as I hit the steering wheel and shouted out to GOD in anger: “WHY are YOU doing this? - “I just can’t take it any more”! I began to cry – and despite feeling exhausted, it felt VERY Good to cry. The thought occurred to me briefly that maybe I had said something truly RIGHT.

At that moment, I knew I would be in no condition to work that day – My receptionist could sense my desperation, and instantly set about rescheduling our entire day. I sat at my desk, and called the Methodist Pastor. His secretary informed me he was out of town for the day but offered his associate’s work number. I didn’t call. Instead, I picked up my Bible of 25 years and headed out the door. I suddenly remembered Beth had taken one of the boys to the physician to check his throat, so I turned into the Doctors parking lot just as she was returning to the van. Standing in the rain, I explained to her that I wasn’t returning to work today. She asked where I was going, and I replied, “I don’t know…I just need time with God”. Then for NO KNOWN reason, I asked – “Is it open?” “What?”, she replied. “The Round Church you’ve been attending during the mornings.” “Yes, Todd, I believe it’s ALWAYS open.” We were both teary-eyed, but I could still make out the tender faces of our children as they sat motionless in the van. We kissed and I assured her everything would be alright – although I wasn’t really sure. I knew she had grave concerns about my state of mind and whether I was contemplating doing harm to myself. Yet, I’m convinced now she knew God was about to raise the curtain for one final performance.

Upon pulling into the parking lot of Immaculate Heart of Mary that morning, I did not dwell on it’s association with our Blessed Mother…instead I was being drawn like a moth to a source within its walls. I no longer feared walking through the doors…this place was beckoning all my senses…the aroma of burnt candles, the semi-lit “sanctuary” and a tranquility that I will never forget. Alone in this large circular room, I started to walk its perimeter, but instead found myself moving to the second Pew and kneeling – with my head buried in my hands. I took several deep breaths and asked God to forgive me if my presence here offended him in any way. I prayed that God would not let me be misguided by anything I saw (such as Statues or Icons) or felt while here – for I felt I WANTED – actually, NEEDED to stay for a very long time.

And that was when I heard the RAIN. It had changed from a steady drizzle to a FRENZY and broke the serene atmosphere by BEATING down on the Ceiling above. I recalled the Rain’s FEROCITY on Christmas Eve and how it would not let me rest. As I gazed upward to see the ceiling, I saw it---or rather HIM. A giant Jesus was there, suspended high above me….how I could have missed him earlier is beyond me. As I stared breathlessly at this beautiful Crucifix, my eyes froze on the blood seeping from HIS side. It seemed to fall, like the rain, all the way to the ground in front of me. The relentless noise began to transform from one of chaos into a steady, and soothing massage. My mind went completely blank…I just sat and LISTENED. I realized at that moment what JESUS had really done…I never before contemplated the anguish of his death…nor why HE allowed himself to SUFFER for me. I felt unbelievably ASHAMED. I had tried to outrun GOD, to the point where I was sure HE had given up on me…why shouldn’t HE?! At that instance, I experienced LOVE and FORGIVENESS like never before…no swimming pool baptism, Bible study nor sermon had ever come close to the impact of that morning. I felt the lead shoulder pads being lifted up onto the Cross right before my eyes and then retracted out of view. It was SO HUMBLING. I selfishly too had viewed this ordeal up to this point as all about ME, but somehow I felt I was just a small part of the fabric HE was weaving…I remembered the DIAGRAM: CRISIS of BELIEF that requires FAITH and ACTION…and then MAJOR ADJUSTMENTS in our lives in order to join God in what HE is doing. WHEW! GOD had spoken (quite audibly), HE was MOVING out and I hungered to KNOW more.

What began in utter fury – simultaneously with the SHOCK and AWE of Operation Enduring Freedom in 2003 - was now a steady, exuberant journey for my entire family through the gates of the CATHOLIC CHURCH. At times, I had to look in the mirror and remind myself I was becoming CATHOLIC and it felt good. It hasn’t been seamless, but scripture by scripture, doctrine by doctrine and feeling by feeling – all the pieces of the tapestry were coming together – and HE was ushering us HOME (HIS HOME) – with a family we didn’t know we possessed!

As I walk through our cottage today, I can’t quite remember the walls before we had the Crucifix you see – the mantle with the photo of the 4 of us joining the CATHOLIC Church or seeing the front yard with the statue of Mother Mary – my 40th Birthday present from Beth and the Boys. I have tried to keep track of the mammoth changes the Lord has made in our lives in just a short time, but I have seriously lost count. Certainly any outsider to the Faith would question HOW e could accept SO MUCH, SO quickly and still be hungering for more.-- ONLY BY HIS GRACE has this been possible

On April 3, 2004 we celebrated the birth of our 3rd son, Jacob Cash Allen, and shortly thereafter, the baptism of our first cradle CATHOLIC Allen. My wife no longer hides the Catechism, books on the Martyrs and Saints, and awesome Catholic Apologists’ books. My sons’ favorite musical superstar is a Rapping Franciscan Priest – Go FATHER STAN! The Eucharist and time spent in front of the Blessed Sacrament during weekly Perpetual Adoration has nourished each of us SO much. This includes our 11 yr. old son. My wife is awesome – she has enabled them to experience Mass on a daily basis by incorporating it into (rather structuring Homeschooling around Mass)! We seemed to have ceased living as Protest-ants and gratefully embrace our new-found Catholic heritage and family. I am an EXTREMELY BLESSED MAN.

I am so thankful to the many disciples of Christ such as Dr. Scott Hahn and Marcus Grodi of the Coming Home Network for their commitment to bringing the TRUTH to CATHOLICS and CATHOLIC WANNABEES. I want to publicly thank FR. Mike Dolan who gave of himself countless hours of one-on-one RCIA for Beth and me. Also, to many of the faces in the crowd, many of whom, I’ve never even spoken – thank you for your PRAYERS and support – for it is you who continue to inspire and validate the desire to be CATHOLIC to the CORE. To my loving wife and children – thank you for your patience and dedication to God and your unconditional love.

Finally, I thank our magnificent Lord and Saviour for pursuing me, rebuilding my family and revealing the TRUTH that has truly brought PEACE into my life and, I pray, GLORY to HIM.

P.S. A WARNING to all my NON-CATHOLIC friends who contemplate taking a BAPTIST Bible Study in a METHODIST Church: BE CAREFUL – You might just end up CATHOLIC!

P.S.S. In 3 years, the Catholic faith has unleashed the EVANGELICAL gene inme that I tried all my life to locate. I still feel extremely unworthyof His Grace, but I now can’t stop myself from sharing His story with others.

Thank you for all your patience in permitting me to share this testimony with you this evening.

Todd Allen, DDS