Ever Lost Close Friends After Saying "yes" To Jesus/the Chur

[fides quarens intellectum]

This one's for those who converted or reverted, and as a result, lost very close friends.

Something very interesting happened to me today: i needed a reference from an old employer, the corporate one i held while i went through my conversion 5 years ago. Back then, i was very close friends with a co-worker - someone i knew very, very well, and cared about a lot. Much more than just co-workers on both sides - he was able to be himself with me, totally open about his lifestyle (no one else in the office knew - gossippers even assumed that he and i were dating! ha!); he was a true friend to me, too, even protecting me when i had to go into hiding from my ex for a bit. Anyway, as i grew closer to Christ, and specifically after i decided to become Catholic, he backed away: i think he felt i was judging him, simply by accepting an old-school Church that didn't allow same-sex marriages.

Today, i called my old supervisor for the reference, and asked about my old buddy. He was still there, so i decided to call him. We hadn't talked in about three years, so i didn't know how he'd react. We actually had a decent conversation - it was good to hear his voice again. Just talking with him, though, really brought me back to how much i miss him as a friend. Sure, i'd lost other friends as well after my conversion, but this one was one of those really close kindred-type friendships that you are blessed with only a few times in your life.

Sorry this is a long one! I really just want to hear from those who've lost a close friend for converting/reverting to the Church. Not necessarily looking for advice - just want to hear what your experiences have been.

[SarahB]

Well, my story is different because it involves me going to a Protestant church, but I know how you feel. I was good friends with a whole group of people in high school, who after I decided to live the Christian life pulled away from me. One was Wiccan, one was gay, one was an athiest, etc. I never pushed my beliefs on them, or asked them to go to youth group with me or anything. They assumed that I was judging them based on the fact I was now an evangelical, fundamentalist Christian. True, I may not have approved of my friend's involvement with runes and tarot cards, but I was never rude about it. I simply said I couldn't have any involvement with it. But it created a very tense situation, and ended up with her freaking out on my mom for no reason and threatening her.

My other friend from that group I now keep in touch with a few times a year. When my dad died, he called me from college to tell me how sorry he was, and we send each other Christmas cards, etc. But it's not what it once was. These were my best friends for years, and in the case of this friend, since Kindergarden.

It stinks, but we were warned it would happen by Jesus.

[Daniel9]

[quote name='SarahB' post='1392970' date='Sep 25 2007, 01:23 PM']It stinks, but we were warned it would happen by Jesus.[/quote]
I don't know of any friends I lost, but quite a few were [i][/i]very[i][/i] surprised. The main feeling I got when I converted was that my non-Catholic friends gave me the impression that I had found a prize they didn't have... like I was "better" than them (or thought I was). I didn't give any impression (that I know of) that I was now the official holder of Truth and they weren't, but that's the vibe I received.

Now, a number of years later I find my friends much more supportive and understanding of where my spiritual journey has led me. Also, some of them express inreasing interest in the Catholic Church!

But like SarahB reminds us, Jesus said it wouldn't be easy.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

My situation is more similar to Daniel's. I didn't lose close friends when I started to start living out the Faith; most of the people who know me well were either fascinated or just accepting. However, I have had bad experiences with people who don't know me that well.

There was one boy who saw me carrying the book [i]Women Religious in the Church[/i] into the common room one day. It is a vocations manual - it has descriptions of different British communities and gives their contact details. He looked at it and said, "I didn't know you were interested in feminism."

"Well, I am, but this book isn't about that. It's about becoming a nun or a religious sister."

His manner changed. He is renowned as an atheist (very blatant with it, very anti-religion) and it was as if I had become someone else in his eyes.

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='SarahB' post='1392970' date='Sep 25 2007, 03:23 PM']They assumed that I was judging them based on the fact I was now an evangelical, fundamentalist Christian.[/quote]

i know exactly what you mean! That's what happened with quite a few of my old friends! i mean, with my background, i honestly feel like i'm the last person to be able to judge anyone else, but that didn't matter to them - just the fact that i was going to church was enough. i'm glad you at least keep in touch with the friend you mentioned.

[chelsea]

I lost all of my friends when i converted. It was really, really horrible. But at the time, i was so enamored with Christ that i didnt really realize it. It wasnt until a few months later that i REALLY understood. And by that time, God had put a billion more CATHOLIC friends in my life. But looking back, i really do miss the friendships that i had. But i cant say that it was all because of my conversion. I brought a little of it on myself. I've actually lost CATHOLIC friends because they said i was "too catholic"...

[SaintOlaf]

Let me preface, by saying that I am still in the process of converting.

About 2 months ago now, when I was certain that the Roman Catholic Church was Christ's Church, and the only option for me, I decided to sit down with my good friend Iain and explain to him where I was at. Iain and I grew up together for the first 18 years of our lives in the same fundamentalist church, about the time I turned 18 I began having a few problems doctrinally with the church and decided to look elsewhere for a place to worship. Iain on the other hand was baptized and joined the church of his youth (and our parents).

Needless to say telling someone from this background that I was joining the Catholic Church was a big issue. I trembled and shook when I told him what I intended, and what the Lord intended for me. Iain, as you might expect, responded violently, pronouncing that all the churches teaching are heretical and that the work of Christ, in a Catholic setting, cannot be a finished work! I walked away from that meeting, with this old time friend of mine, in a down-trodden state. Admittedly, I didn't really know how to defend my faith when I talked with Iain. I knew the basics, that this was the Church where Christ had intended me to be. I felt like the woman who lost her coin and when she found it, she called all her neighbors to rejoice. (Luke 15:8-10) The real difference was that my friend was telling me that my coin was nothing but tripe, drivel, and garbage, manufactured in the middle ages. This conversation really got me to study even deeper the faith that I now cling to so dearly.

The second conversation (this one on the phone) with Iain went much better from my perspective. Iain continued to rant and rave about the finished work of Christ, and how Catholics have no part of it, but I was prepared this time to back up my claims. I dialogged with him late into the night, neither of us giving an inch on anything. The most encouraging thing I found in this conversation was that I honestly knew that Iain had a genuine concern for my soul, but was limited by his upbringing, and the untruths and misunderstandings of the Catholic faith to really understand my decision. Iain finally made a very hurtful comment towards me, he assumed that my decision was simply an emotional one. He assumed that I had simply read "Rome Sweet Home" and felt a wave of emotion where I wanted to join the Catholic Church, and that it would pass, just like a bad cold. I ended the conversation politely and on good terms, my soul was distraught, that such a long time and close friend of mine could equate this decision to simply emotional.

The third conversation (also on the phone) was lengthy, and a lot of things were said that probably shouldn't have been said. My supposed "emotional" wave was again brought up, which this time I took great offense too, and really let him have it, as only friends can. The conversation at this point was directed (by me) to the subject of the church's authority. I hammered home the scripture references which I had committed to memory, I utilized the metaphors and dialog that had been taught to me. Iain kept trying to evade the point of my argument, he kept trying to scurry away to something more comfortable to him, until at last he found it. Purgatory. Iain believed he had a strong foothold in the conversation by asking me if I believed in purgatory. I explained to him the biblical passages in support of this doctrine, but more and more he became distant. His replies finally dwindled to "that's just your interpretation", and he questioned my true belief in Christ's work. At this point I figured that all was lost for this attempt at conversation, so I brought it back to prayer, I asked him to pray for me, and I would do the same for him. We ended, as we always do, cordially, but I could sense some bitterness this time.

Something I've found throughout these conversations is how hard it is to stay emotionally intact, while dealing with matters of the faith. These are things that are held so dearly to us that for someone to tell you that you are wrong, or to even question it can leave you in a place where you become an emotional wreck, and say things you don't want to say, or try to hammer a point home too hard and really alienate the person that you are trying to love and witness to.

I haven't talked to Iain in about 3 weeks now, though I can feel the friendship is being strained every day. We never talked a lot during the last few years, but we were always on a very deep spiritual level, where didn't have to talk. That level of friendship where I can tell him anything, and really feel that he respects my opinion and vice versa. Even though we have talked more frequently than we had for a long time, I can feel that he has become more distant, I desperately want to share with him this coin that I have found, I want him to be a part of it, and for him to experience what I have these last months. I intend to call him again soon, when I have a small break from my studies and work. Please pray for Iain, that he would have an open mind to the things which are discussed. Pray for me, that I will be able to adequately represent our wonderful Catholic faith in a manner that pleases the Lord.

I hope this wasn't too long or rambling, and I hope it's something like what you're looking for, Fides

God Bless

~Paul

[N/A Gone]

Try converting while you are one of the top theology students and the 3 year TA to the published theology prof while at an anti-catholic bible college.

Puts hair on your chest.

(*Joey, remember when sprinkle brought us to his office to tell us it was wrong to worship mary?)

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='SaintOlaf' post='1393223' date='Sep 26 2007, 01:07 AM']I hope this wasn't too long or rambling, and I hope it's something like what you're looking for, Fides[/quote]

all i can say is "wow" to both you and Chelsea - not too long at all - thanks for being so open and honest.

i ended up talking about this at length with a new friend of mine last night, and even though current and new friends can never replace the relationships i've lost, i am thankful for the relationships God is giving me now. ah, yes - prayer!

thanks so much for all who've shared - it means so much to hear from others who've gone through, or are going through, similar painful transitions in the name of Jesus and/or the Church.

[photosynthesis]

Before my conversion, I was a radical punk-rock feminist. Then in my sophomore year of college I started believing in Jesus and everything changed. I'd stopped talking to / hanging out with certain high school friends once I started my freshman year because I realized I had more in common with my college friends. However, we always wrote to each other and hung out during Winter break.

After my conversion, I took my best high-school friend out to lunch, and she told me she was engaged to her boyfriend. This was in 2003. She was planning on getting her tubes tied (at the age of 19!) later that month. Then, I asked her if she and her fiance had set a date, and she said, "We're thinking about Summer 2010, after we're done with graduate school." They didn't want children. I tried being charitable about it, but I did let her know that my views on marriage & family are different than hers.

About a year ago, she e-mailed me asking me how I was doing. I told her I'd graduated college, was working in the city and going to Latin Mass every Sunday with my ultra-Catholic boyfriend. She replied to my e-mail and said, "I see that this whole Catholic thing wasn't a phase. I can't be friends with someone who could be so intolerant."

Sometimes people don't realize they're the ones who are being intolerant.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

[quote name='photosynthesis' post='1394049' date='Sep 27 2007, 04:11 PM']About a year ago, she e-mailed me asking me how I was doing. I told her I'd graduated college, was working in the city and going to Latin Mass every Sunday with my ultra-Catholic boyfriend. She replied to my e-mail and said, "I see that this whole Catholic thing wasn't a phase. I can't be friends with someone who could be so intolerant."

Sometimes people don't realize they're the ones who are being intolerant.[/quote]

I hope you wrote back to make that clear.

A couple of months ago I got into a conversation about mental health with an atheist friend who also seems to be a born pessimist. Nothing's ever right for him. He clings fondly to the belief that no one in the world understands him and that no one could possibly have his problems. He is very spiteful about religious belief, and halfway through the conversation he told me a story about a priest who had deliberately drowned himself. "His little religion made him do that."

As patiently as I could, I explained that there is no correlation between religious belief and mental illness. I also pointed out that a lot of my mentally ill friends, even non-religious ones, have felt drawn to attend the Catholic Mass because the pattern and rhythm of the liturgy soothes their anxiety. (I know a great many people with mental health difficulties.) Even if you don't believe in the spiritual value of prayer, there is no doubt that even the basic pattern of prayer can be helpful.

The next thing I knew, he had told a mutual friend a very distorted version of the story. I was so angry, especially when the mutual friend decided to stop speaking to me. He told one of my best friends the reason why in an e-mail. "She believes that A's depression is caused by his atheism. I can't be friends with someone so judgemental."

I do [i]not[/i] believe that atheism causes depression. That's like saying that not having stomach medicine in the house is likely to cause stomach illness. Grrr.

[VeniteAdoremus]

Oooh, intolerance! I can write BOOKS about that one!

"You're a Catholic, so you're anti-gay, anti-women's rights, anti-environment, anti- .... "

Why thank you. Seeing as you can hold up our conversation entirely well on your own, I'm off to Adoration now, byeeee!

[fides quarens intellectum]

[quote name='VeniteAdoremus' post='1394070' date='Sep 27 2007, 09:46 AM']Oooh, intolerance! I can write BOOKS about that one!

"You're a Catholic, so you're anti-gay, anti-women's rights, anti-environment, anti- .... "[/quote]

i know!

[friendofJPII]

I lost some friends at the beginning of my conversion too, but I reaize now that I was partly my fault. I think at the onset of a conversion it's natural for one to want to have others around who will affirm them in the faith; people who think like you to assure you that you are not a nutcase who has gone off the deep end. However, looking back, I can see how I was a bit over-zealous and over-argumentative and how I might have pushed some people away. I remember at the early phase of my conversion disliking people who were liberal or pro-choice; having an "us" (my good Catholic friends) vs. them (liberals) mentality which is not at all Christlike. Remember you can win an argument, but lose a soul. Sometimes, we just have to let the put our well developed debating skills to rest and just love others, not affirm them in their sin, but love them nonetheless. Sinner or saint --one can recognize unconditional love when they encounter it.

Edited September 27, 2007 by friendofJPII

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='VeniteAdoremus' post='1394070' date='Sep 27 2007, 11:46 AM']Oooh, intolerance! I can write BOOKS about that one!

"You're a Catholic, so you're anti-gay, anti-women's rights, anti-environment, anti- .... "

Why thank you. Seeing as you can hold up our conversation entirely well on your own, I'm off to Adoration now, byeeee![/quote]
Yeah, that's another thing that happened with my former best friend. She said in her e-mail that she can't be friends with me because I believe all gay people are going to hell. I never said that.