I Have Become An Accidental Mother

[Chiquitunga]

Wow, your story sounds like you're on the road to sainthood! And that the Lord has given you peace is a great sign that you are following Him and that He will grant you all the graces necessary. The important thing with any vocation is not so much entering an order or state in life but becoming a saint in whatever circumstances life throws at you. And maybe someday this little girl will follow you to the religious life.

"What God wills, as God wills, when God wills" ~ St. Maravillas of Jesus, OCD

[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/mary/zita.htm"]St. Zita of Lucca[/url] is the patron saint of domestic workers, so you can pray to her for help. She was a very humble housemaid and her body is incorrupt.

God bless you, Vicky! I'll remember you in prayer!

Edited August 4, 2007 by Margaret Clare

[T-Bone _]

Prayers.

[puellapaschalis]

Your courage and faith are to be commended by everyone; I hope and pray that you'll be given all the strength you need and then some to carry this out and to help give this little girl the best foundation in her life that you possibly can. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.

[Carmelitess]

I don't know if you'd be interested in this cookbook, since it's basically a book of American cuisine, but Joy of Cooking is a great book for beginners. It's very thorough, explaining every step as you go along. [url="http://www.amazon.co.uk/"]Amazon U.K.[/url] sells it, as does www.abebooks.co.uk. Here is the direct link to the book on Abe Books: [url="http://www.abebooks.co.uk/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=894237052&searchurl=tn%3Djoy%2Bof%2Bcooking%26sortby%3D3%26sts%3Dt%26y%3D0%26x%3D0"]Joy of Cooking[/url]

God bless you!

[cathoholic_anonymous]

Thank you for the suggested title, Carmelitess. From what I can see, American food isn't terribly different from British food. I'd be happy to try a few recipes. Unless I can learn to cook a greater number of dishes, this child is going to end up eating nothing but Middle Eastern cuisine. She'll have [i]kabsa[/i] coming out of her ears.

Please continue to pray for me. I am going through a slightly shaky time at the moment.

+

Edited August 6, 2007 by Cathoholic Anonymous

[Deus te Amat]

You have my prayers, in everything... Thank you for being a shining witness of following God's will rather than our own... I needed to see that... Thank you

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Cathoholic Anonymous' post='1348663' date='Aug 3 2007, 04:20 PM']Most of you will know that I have had my heart set on becoming a Carmelite for several years. It took me a long while to adjust to the call of the cloister, as it once frightened me as much as it attracted me, but through my contact with a nearby monastery that anxiety dissolved and I began to look forward to entering with an almost physical pain. My prayer life became richer, my love for the Mass deepened, and I became so much more aware of God and His love for us. The joy the Holy Spirit takes in us became wonderfully clear to me one day when I was eating pickled onions. I can't really explain it.

I had hoped to enter as soon as I had become financially solvent, with no outstanding student loan. Now that has changed.

I have a friend who is very ill (mentally and physically) in a nursing home. She hasn't got any family, apart from her three-year-old daughter. Her long-term partner was recently arrested and he faces prison. The little girl faces adoption, which means she'll never see or have contact from her mum again until she is over eighteen. (And only then if she chooses it.) My friend is allowed to spend two hours each week with her child. Supervised.

When I graduate next summer I am going to apply to be her carer and hopefully have her out of the care home. If I can pass the fostering assessment, which will take place in about six months, I will also become the little girl's primary carer. Then she won't have to be adopted. Both the child and my friend have already lost so much. They shouldn't have to lose each other as well.

If it goes to plan, I will probably be living with them for seven or eight years. Even if my friend recovers from her illnesses before then, too much disruption in the family unit will unsettle the little girl. She's going to need a lot of careful love and attention to make up for what's happened to her in her toddler years. We suspect that she is autistic into the bargain. I have a similar disability, so that will be useful - I will be able to draw on my own experiences as a child to help this one.

I know that this is not the end of my vocation. Even though I'm extremely worried at the thought of being a mum and caring for an unwell adult and cooking and looking after a house (none of which are special skills of mine) I am also very much at peace. Does that make sense? I know this was the right decision.

Your prayers would be appreciated.[/quote]


Whoa. My first advice is to SLOW DOWN. As a mother myself I can tell you that raising children under normal circumstances is tough but this is one situation that comes with a ton of baggage. As much as you want to, you cannot "save" this family. That is not your purpose. The mother is in a nursing home with physical problems, but also mental problems. Mental problems that won't allow her to visit her child unsupervised. You have to ask yourself how it would help that little girl to be back into the very situation she has been removed from? Sure, you will be there, but won't you have to work? That means daycare for the child and what would you do with the mother? She may not be stable enough to be alone. What then?

If you think I'm discouraging you, you are right I am. It sounds very unselfish and noble to take on this task but you can't do this. Professionals have intervened for a reason so stop and look at the facts. Sometimes being with the parent is the worst thing for a child. As much as it hurts, you may have to let the child go for her sake and be a friend for the mother. Don't try to put back together that which may do the most harm for mother and child.

Please don't take this as being harsh or critical, I think you are a wonderfully giving person. Sometimes the best gift though, is to let go.

[cathoholic_anonymous]

Thank you for your honesty, Mary-Kathryn. I've already considered the points you raise in detail. Perhaps I should have given a little more background to the situation.

Dominique's mental problems (that's not her real name, by the way) aren't severe enough to keep her from seeing Kate unsupervised. What happened is this. Shortly before her partner was arrested, her then-psychiatrist put her on a new medication that had some terrible side effects - constant sleepiness, inability to stand up straight, and a feeling as though she had painful electric shocks running through her body. Dominique reported the side effects to the psychiatrist, but he told her that she was imagining things and to go on the taking the drug. Dominique obeyed, but she did seek out a second opinion - and it was lucky that she did, because that drug could have killed her if she had gone on taking it. It wasn't suited to her system at all.

Thankfully, she now has a new psychiatrist as a result of that mistake. This one actually listens to her. Unfortunately her partner was arrested when the side effects were at their worst, so the social workers came into the house and saw a woman who was barely able to move. They made their decision accordingly. Even now that Dominique is on medication that works and her psychiatrist has repeatedly stated that she is not a danger to anyone, they won't reverse their decision.

They do know, however, that Dominique isn't suited to the nursing home. They say that she would be best living semi-independently, with another person for support. She can already go out grocery shopping and sometimes she prepares her own meals. She does her own laundry too. Her skill level is miles above the average patient's. But they haven't got the money available to let her live alone with one-to-one help. The National Health Service in her area simply can't afford it, so she has to settle for a care plan that doesn't really fit.

The social services can't be blamed for lack of funds, but they must bear full responsibility for a couple of glaring mistakes that they've made with Kate. They noted that her language was delayed and decided that it was because she was neglected and understimulated - in spite of a paediatrician's report that highlighted the possibility of autism, in spite of Dominique's assurance that Kate's behaviours are near-identical to the autistic behaviours that she herself displayed as a child. The social services enrolled Kate in a nursery to help with her development - a bright, bustling environment that would be great for most kids, but that was sheer torture for Kate. After she had regressed to the point where she was refusing to eat, vomiting at the sight of the nursery building, and no longer using the potty properly, they realised their mistake. Why not listen to Dominique in the first place? Again, the same old prejudice that boils down to one stark, harsh phrase: disabled people are incompetent and can't know what they're talking about.

[quote]Professionals have intervened for a reason so stop and look at the facts.[/quote]

As a person with difficulties myself, I've developed quite a cynical attitude towards 'professionals' over the years. It was professionals who told my mum that I should be aborted because I would never have a normal life. I've met some wonderful doctors and social workers, and I don't doubt that they are representative of most people in these professions. I also know that most cases like Dominique's occur because of lack of time and money rather than any real malice. But in the general the medical profession has never quite seen eye to eye with me since the moment of my conception. Well-meaning doctors have made too many bad mistakes with me and with friends who have the same kind of condition. The mistakes usually stem from the same root: Normal Knows Best. They won't listen to us.

[quote name='Mary-Kathryn' post='1351119' date='Aug 6 2007, 06:19 PM']Sure, you will be there, but won't you have to work? That means daycare for the child and what would you do with the mother? She may not be stable enough to be alone. What then?[/quote]

I write, so I can work from home. At the moment I have the last three instalments of my book royalties saved in the bank, which I have been keeping for emergencies. My next book should be out next spring, and I am hoping that that will clear up my student debt. Dominique has a home-based job also - she designs, hosts, maintains websites, which she's still fully capable of keeping up. Both of us also receive Disability Living Allowance, which helps.

Kate will be four if/when I move in. (I have to pass my fostering assessment yet.) Some British children start school at four, others at five. I don't know which would be best for Kate; Dominique hasn't told me her ideas for Kate's schooling yet. We don't know whether she will go to a special school or be in mainstream education. That depends on the outcome of her tests.

Edited August 6, 2007 by Cathoholic Anonymous

[Mary-Kathryn]

Ah. Thanks for the generous post that cleared my motherly worries.

I'm not quite sure how your legal and health system works, but do you have to become officially their guardian in order to take charge of all of their medical and legal needs?

Some medications adversely affect patients...doctors should ALWAYS listen. That doc sounds like a control freak. Do they have special classes or schools for the little girl? It sounds like the sooner she gets into the right class the better!

A writer! I never knew you had the gift! Best to you and maybe I'll be seeing you on TV one day with your books.

[kateri05]

CA, wow, what a call to holiness you are undertaking many prayers for you and your new family and thank you for being such a great example of following God's call even when you thought you had "other" plans

[Carolyn]

May Our Lady lead you always towards her Son. You are in my prayers.

[Starets]

Sounds wonderful, CA. Godspeed

[cathoholic_anonymous]

Thank you, everyone. (And thanks to those of you who have sent me PMs. I haven't got round to replying to all of them yet, but I will do so.)

More prayers are needed. Last night Dominique discovered that the process will now finish in March. I can't move in with her until next July at the earliest, as I don't want to drop out of college without taking my finals. That wouldn't do either of us any favours. It is looking increasingly likely that the court will make an adoption order, as the couple who were going to foster Kate in the longer term have decided that they aren't up to it. Dominique doesn't feel well enough to contest any court orders. Pray that she is given the strength. She's just so tired of all this now. But she mustn't give up. Last night she wrote to me, "I have nothing left to give." It is at times like this that God gives everything. We must have faith.

I am going to spend my weekends with Dominique from now on, visiting Kate at her temporary foster home and getting to know her better as well. That way the social workers will be able to assess my skills with children over a long period of time, which improves our chances of being able to keep Kate.

I've had a pathetic amount of experience with children of Kate's age. It seems to shrink and dwindle the more I look at it. I am much better with babies. Unfortunately Kate is not a baby. Please pray.

Edited August 14, 2007 by Cathoholic Anonymous

[Johanna]

Yes, I will be praying for you and Kate and Dominique. Trust in God; He won't leave you alone! He will do everything so that in the end things will be best.

Many hugs.
Johanna

[Mary-Kathryn]

There's plenty of reading out there on children and in the mean-time, ask around and see if you can join some mother's groups! Since you will soon be a second mom I'd say you qualify! Will they allow you to take her on outings and have alone time with her?

Keeping you in prayer!