Going To Be A Sister :)

[onlygrace08]

Hi Johanna! I think that I do know where you are coming from for, I seem to be in a bit of a tough spot right now too. I was so sure of everything and almost resigned to my future as a religious. But, then I got to thinking about how there is no way to "prove" the existence of God. And, as you said, what if he isn't there? I know this isn't sounding very encouraging and I don't have any great advice. I suppose that the reason that I posted this is to say that I understand and that I'm there too. If I come up with any great advice, I'll be sure to pass it on. The things that everyone has already said seem to be very good. Just keep holding on. Don't give up keep trying. Praying for you!

Anna

[farglefeezlebut]

(hugs) God bless you. (prayers)

I think you should read "The Story of a Soul" by Saint Therese of Lisieux. (As a matter of fact, I think everyone should.) Saint Therese experienced a crisis similar to what you are suffering. Mother Teresa went through such a crisis for 50 years. You are in good company.

God is there, even if you don't feel it. At night time, the sun doesn't stop [i]existing[/i], it is just shining somewhere else.

I suggest you read the Gospel accounts of Christ's passion and pray stations. Try not to get worried. God loves you. It may seem hard to believe, but if you ask Him, He will let you receive spiritual benefits from all this.

Offer up your pain for the good of someone who is in need of prayer.

[Johanna]

Thank you all very, very much. I followed some of your advice and first of all kept in touch with both my spiritual director and my confession father. Yesterday, after having gotten a bit better, I felt much worse again and asked my spiritual director to allow me not to receive communion, as I felt like a lyer not believing, but answering "Amen" when be told "The Body of Christ". He agreed (under the condition that I try to pray a prayer of longing for union with Christ and the Church during Communion). So today I just prayed, and after Mass I had a talk with my confession father. It was really great, and I think that I am getting better now.

[CHRISTINEH]

[quote name='Johanna' post='1343419' date='Jul 29 2007, 05:30 AM']Hi,

I have been a lurker at vocation station for quite some time now, and to me it seems I know some of you really well already. Now it is the first time I found the courage to post something in here myself . So let me introduce myself:

I am a university student from Germany and in the process of finishing my studies (which will take me another one and a half years, but it's already the beginning of examination time now). I have discerned for about two years, until now. In the beginning I had just a kind of feeling that God wants me to change something in my life. First, I thought about giving up my studies and do something else, but I recognized very soon that this wasn't the right thing to do. Then I talked to our student's chaplain, and he told me something like "Everybody comes to the point of thinking about vocation sooner or later ...". I was a bit surprised then ("Me? A nun? But I will marry my boyfriend and have twelve children!!"), but I thought about everything and prayed a lot, went to the WYD, prayed again, talked to brothers and sisters, went on a retreat and then found out that it was probably the way - my way: Entering a religious community. Then I had to get seperated from my boyfriend first, which hurt us both a lot, but him more than me as he is an agnostic and did not at all understand why I preferred entering a monastery to being together with him. After that I began looking for the "right" community, and I almost drove our student's chaplain mad (who actually then wasn't our student's chaplain any more, but relocated to the next city and now is my spiritual director), as I was very impatient and wanted to know everything at once and asked him about different communities just to say: No, they aren't the right ones. But some day I was just surfing on the Internet and there it was: "my" monastery, "my" community. I just needed to read their homepage to know: If it is not them, then there is no community for me. They are some eight hours away from me, so I went there to visit them for two weeks even for the first time. And everything fit. Now, after some more visits, I must say "almost everything", but the things that I don't like aren't so important that they could get me away from that amazing community of sisters. So now, a week ago, I talked to the novice mistress about entering after my examinations. She just asked how long we will have to wait ... I'm really happy now, singing and dancing every time I am alone, but still very impatient. One and a half years to go ... And I can talk to almost nobody here, because I live in the middle of diaspora. I could really use some prayers.

Excuse me for all my language mistakes, please! And thank you for reading my post.[/quote]

[CHRISTINEH]

YOU WILL BE IN MY DAILY PRAYERS.........GOD LOVE YOU...CHRISTINE

[Johanna]

Hi. It's been quite some time since I've shared my experiences. The last months have been really hard. About four weeks after my last post, I visited "my" monastery. During the talks to the novice mistress, whom I really trusted with all my life, I spoke about my problems and my darkness. It was very private, very sensitive ... and she didn't know how to handle the information I gave her. I don't want to go into the details, but she really betrayed my trust and gave my name and story to a psychotherapist (which I hadn't asked for - I had agreed to her giving the psychotherapist's name and adress to me - but certainly not the other way round!) And apart from that she talked to me in a very harsh way and said things I couldn't accept. The two weeks with the community were really close to what I imagine hell must be like.

After my return home I talked to my spiritual director about everything that had happened at the monastery. He felt sorry for me, but said - to abstract things - that he would not recommend me to enter this monastery, because things there were not going a good way. I was smashed. No "my" monastery any more. But I felt it my spiritual director was right ... So I had to reconsider everything. The first weeks were quite hard for me, and to make things worse, after Christmas I fell in love with a married man and he with me, and we could just stop before things could get really bad. We both struggled very hard with ourselves and with God, but now, I can just pray for him and his wife ... They are having marriage problems (they were actually having them before the incident, though they weren't aware of them by that time), and I am not very happy being the person his wife now hates, but I can understand her. So now I keep praying to Jesus that HE makes me fall in love with HIMSELF again ... It is hard, and I still have no single feeling for the presence of God in my life, but I am not willing to give up. Maybe HE will have mercy with me.

Please pray for me ... (I recently found another community on the internet that I could imagine discerning with ... Maybe ... I hope so much ...)

[Caramelonion]

Johanna:

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Discerning can be such a hard thing. I struggle every day with not allowing what [i]I[/i] want cloud [i]His[/i] plan for me. All I can say is just keep praying. He will give you a sign.

Blessings!

[alicemary]

Johanna,
SLOW DOWN!! You go from wanting to enter a cloister to having an affair. What you need is time spent in prayer getting to know Jesus. He has to be the reason for you wanting to enter the convent, only Him.
Novice mistresses have a tough job. They have to judge a person before they come into the cloister. The wrong type could raise alot of havoc in the closed world of the monastery. Of course they are going to seek outside help, in that case the psychotherapists. Maybe she did not know how to handle what you spoke about. You don't think she left the parlor with you and went right back to the community with much of what you said, at least to her superior? Of course she did.
As to the married man...theyall say they have terrible marriages. They all say they love you and will leave their wife and family. They all pledge undying love. And they don't ever leave. And if they do leave, guess what, they cheated on their first wife, they will cheat on you. Many fall into the trap, but guess what, you are the one left alone celebrating the holidays, you are alone on your birthday and valentine day...cause he is with his wife. That is a loosing relationship....run dont walk away from him. Any person that cheats will cheat again. And you are worth more.
The last thing you need right now is to go visiting another community. Slow it down. Develop your relationship with God. Listen to what He may be telling you. Dont wait for a sign, they rarely come or come in a way that you wll not understand at the time. Sure, search the web, look at some sites. But get your headon straight before making any commitments to anything.
Have you dated? Do you feel sure that you are not called to be married or to the single life? Talking this over with a therapist might help.
And if you do feel a pull toward the convent, check out the community well before hand. Live with them for a month or two. Really find out what they are like. Email and websites can be good PR, but you need to know the truth. That can only come with living there.
God be with you, and enlighten your heart. And you are not alone.....

[Johanna]

Dear alicemary,

this man does not want to leave his wife! We both struggled hard to get our feelings under control, we dated - yes - but only for one week and then stopped seeing each other because we know it is not right. I know that I have done a really wrong thing and made myself guilty. The temptator got hand on me when I dated this married man, but now we haven't seen each other for several months and won't meet in the future. I went to confession and God has forgiven me, the same did that man, and God has forgiven him - so please, you do not judge us when God doesn't.

[puellapaschalis]

Johanna,

thank you for being brave and trusting her with yourself, even though you got burnt. You're in my prayers

[HisChildForever]

It seems to me that you truly do have a Calling, a beautiful vocation. And while you are faced with many hardships (extreme crisis of faith, the interest of a married man), the Call is still firmly planted in your heart. God does not just Call anyone to be His bride. God knows that you can and will overcome these obstacles, which is why they have been placed in your path. Perhaps, in the future, you will be able to share your experiences with a young woman who is facing the same struggles that you once did. Everything happens for a reason - cliche but terribly true.

[Fr. Bruno]

[quote name='Johanna' post='1343419' date='Jul 29 2007, 11:30 AM']Hi,

I have been a lurker at vocation station for quite some time now, and to me it seems I know some of you really well already. Now it is the first time I found the courage to post something in here myself . So let me introduce myself:

I am a university student from Germany and in the process of finishing my studies (which will take me another one and a half years, but it's already the beginning of examination time now). I have discerned for about two years, until now. In the beginning I had just a kind of feeling that God wants me to change something in my life. First, I thought about giving up my studies and do something else, but I recognized very soon that this wasn't the right thing to do. Then I talked to our student's chaplain, and he told me something like "Everybody comes to the point of thinking about vocation sooner or later ...". I was a bit surprised then ("Me? A nun? But I will marry my boyfriend and have twelve children!!"), but I thought about everything and prayed a lot, went to the WYD, prayed again, talked to brothers and sisters, went on a retreat and then found out that it was probably the way - my way: Entering a religious community. Then I had to get seperated from my boyfriend first, which hurt us both a lot, but him more than me as he is an agnostic and did not at all understand why I preferred entering a monastery to being together with him. After that I began looking for the "right" community, and I almost drove our student's chaplain mad (who actually then wasn't our student's chaplain any more, but relocated to the next city and now is my spiritual director), as I was very impatient and wanted to know everything at once and asked him about different communities just to say: No, they aren't the right ones. But some day I was just surfing on the Internet and there it was: "my" monastery, "my" community. I just needed to read their homepage to know: If it is not them, then there is no community for me. They are some eight hours away from me, so I went there to visit them for two weeks even for the first time. And everything fit. Now, after some more visits, I must say "almost everything", but the things that I don't like aren't so important that they could get me away from that amazing community of sisters. So now, a week ago, I talked to the novice mistress about entering after my examinations. She just asked how long we will have to wait ... I'm really happy now, singing and dancing every time I am alone, but still very impatient. One and a half years to go ... And I can talk to almost nobody here, because I live in the middle of diaspora. I could really use some prayers.

Excuse me for all my language mistakes, please! And thank you for reading my post.[/quote]

Grüss Gott Johanna,

Thank you for sharing your vocation with us - it's always upbuilding to read (or to hear) how God calls people.
Just one and a half year to wait - that's not so long, as you will notice : the older you get, the more you realize that time goes fast. And anyway, the most important thing is not what we do, but to love God and our neighbour here and now. There is always springtime in a heart that loves God (I think Saint Jean-Marie Vianney said something like that). So, keep on, be faithful in your daily life with God, and time will pass very fast.

In Christ,

Fr. Bruno

[inperpetuity]

Dear JoAnna,

You have to read "Three White Veils for Sandra"! You can find it on biblio.com for a few dollars. You won't feel so alone, and it will encourage you. Sandra went through pretty much what you are going through and then went on to enter the Paray Carmel. After she became Mother Mary of Jesus, she then founded the Carmel in the old Carthusian Charterhouse in "the mountains". A beautiful story and testimony of Our Lord's love and power. God Bless you

[alicemary]

Do not think for one minute that I would dare to judge you. Much of what is written here can be read by many people. Many have these affairs and many are hurt. I am only trying to say get your head on straight before getting involved with another community. Listen to your heart and find out what you want to do in this world.

[Johanna]

Thank you all for your kind comments and may God bless you for your prayers.

Some of you mentioned that maybe I should consider marriage. I have. Together with my SD I have thought about my very strong wish to have a partner and raise children - but the wish to serve God through celibacy is even stronger, and I feel it is a true calling. I am willing to give my partnership wish into His hands so that He can work with it in whichever way He wants. I don't know where HE will lead me. I have a very strong affinity towards mission and towards children - maybe I can be a catechist. The way will be hard and stony for me, but for whom isn't it? I will fight for God, and I will learn to do His will. I am a weak person, but He will save me.