Going To Be A Sister :)

[Carmelitess]

May God bless you on your journey, Johanna! I will pray that your family accepts your vocation and that everything works out perfectly with the sisters you are discerning with. By the way, your English is excellent!

[Johanna]

It's me again. First of all, thank you very much for your kind comments. They were really helpful during those days.
During the last weeks, I was sometimes very confused, as after a year of being completely sure that I want to be part of this community, I suddenly worried whether it is the right thing to do. I thought, maybe I am just imagining this whole vocation thing and maybe I just want to prove my parents that I can do it. But I talked to my SD and he told me that whenever God is calling somebody as loudly and explicitely, HE won't let them down ... I should just go on with my studies (after all, it is still one and a half years) and pray and go on holiday some time.
Now, going on holiday is not that easy. I have a really important examination on monday, which is already part of the final examinations (it will count 10% of my grade), and I am so nervous ... Actually, at this very moment I feel quite sick. Afterwards I have to do an internship for some weeks. So I have to wait another five weeks, but I doubt that I will relax, as I will be thinking of the next examination and when to learn and what to learn etc. I just hope that they keep praying for me in "my" monastery.

[Jennifer]

Good luck in your exams......I'm sure that you will do well.!!

[Starets]

Godspeed with your vocation journey

[Carolyn]

Welcome to the phamily! I'll be praying for you! Pax Christi!

[juchu]

Seems as if there are several germans here peeking in!

I am one of them, but your post, Johanna, finally made me register, since it was the exact same situation as mine


Viel Glück bei deiner Prüfung? Oder war sie jetzt schon?

[AlterDominicus]

Welcome to phatmass and to the pham! I'm AlterDominicus, but everyone just calls me Alter, if you ever need With anything, PM me I'd be more then honored to help out, I'll be praying for you. Your story is alot like mine.

[Johanna]

Hi again. I don't know what to say. I am really happy that I really stayed anonymous here until now, so in this forum I can post what's actually going on with me: Yesterday I had a talk with my spiritual director, and during talking to him, just while half an hour passed by, I just lost my faith. I realized that since summer of 2004, when I started believing again, I always pushed one question away from me: What if there just is no God? If I, we, every Christian in the world, just imagines there ist God, but actually He is not real? Yesterday, when we talked, I could let that question out for the first time. It deeply hurt me. While an hour before, I was totally happy praying the "angelus domini" with my spiritual director, then I just stood in front of the shattetered house of cards that is my faith. I don't know whether God exists, and I don't know how to find out. The only thing that I know is that I am/was(???) going to give my whole life (!!!) to somebody of whose existence I can't be sure. My spiritual director told me very much about Mother Theresa and about Therese of Lisieux. But I can't compare with them, as their faith was so much stronger than mine. When he prayed at the end of our talk, I wasn't even able of doing the sign of the cross.

Does anybody here understand me? I really don't know what to do now. I hope so much that God exists and that my faith will come back. I would like to believe in God's mercy and in Jesus Christ, but at this moment, I just cannot. I cannot even ask you lot to pray for me, as I don't trust in prayer any more.

Edited September 7, 2007 by Johanna

[Gabriella]

My dear Johanna,

Just like you, I stayed anonymous till now, and at the end of my journey (joining in 8 days) I have been through many different "states". I will not give you any antidote nor try to persuade you of the existence of God. I think it would be rather pointless and not what you need. The only thing I am sure of is that there is someone who was quite mad about your decision of embracing religious life and did everything he could to harm you and have you give up everything, including your faith. One other thing that I know is that the devil - let's give him a name - has lost. Whatever he does, God will always be victorious. I have experienced his wrath, and though it was very painful, I realized that he really cannot do anything without my consent.

You don't know if God exists anymore? Then ask Him to prove it to you. During my journey I never put my faith into question, but my vocation and other things, definitely. I told Him: Lord, if You really want me, come and get me. And He did, in His way... We shouldn't expect anything in particular from God. I would say that we should expect everything from Him! Whenever in doubt, or lost, I look at Mary. She had all the reasons in the world to give up everything, to choose her own way... but she followed though in great darkness. To put an act of faith in a state of almost complete dispair is the most beautiful thing, the most amazing act of love, and the source of the purest joy...
There is no point in comparing our faith to the one of Mother Teresa; we are just not the same, but God knows that, He created us! He knows our weaknesses. It was a big day for me the day I realized that Jesus could have made us perfect with His sacrifice, but chose not to... Why? St Paul gives us some clue. Because it is in our weaknesses, in our "littleness" that we can love the more. Look at Abraham. God gave him everything. A land, wealth, recognition, and finally a son! And in the end, He asks of his servant to give Him back what made the more sense in all this. And Abraham obeyed. I think there really was a sacrifice. It was the heart of Abraham, destroyed, immolated for his God. It is in this very moment of vulnerability that God loved him most.

I really cannot give you any other advice than to abandon yourself to whatever may happen. Don't fight, don't try to find the way out, let it come to you. Just be ready for anything!

You don't believe in prayer? No problem, let the PMers handle this. Personally I will take you in mine Johanna.

PS: tomorrow is Sept 8, I will entrust you to the Virgin Mary
rePS: please tell me if anything sounds unclear, I'm not a native and can make mistakes!

[Gabriella]

oops double post... sorry

Edited September 7, 2007 by Gabriella

[Johanna]

Thank you for your reply, Gabriella. I appreciate it very much. I try to pray (always beginning sentences by "If you are there ..."), I try not to cry too much and be friendly towards people. But I feel very, very cold inside. It is good to know there are people who care.

[alicemary]

Joanna,
do not put such stress on yourself! The Lord really does understand out doubts. Think how Jesus prayed in the Garden...'take this cup away from me'. Fear not. It is so normal to question the existence of God. It is part of growing in one's faith. For so long you merely believed what other in authority said over you...now you are exploring on your own and finding you own way in the faith. One of my favorite sayings was "I believe, but help my unbeliefs"...not many could say they did not doubt.
Take this time and use it. Find out what you really believe. Do not feel guilt or remorse over this, it is a natural part of growing up and out.
the Lord too allows this time, so just get through it. You will come out more convinced of the existence of the good Lord and will be much stronger in faith.

[Carmelitess]

Hi, Johanna,

I really agree with Gabriella. I definitely think that you should respectfully ask God to show you that He exists. If, for some reason, God doesn't respond to your request right away, please don't become discouraged. He always answers us at the perfect time, even if it's not directly after our prayer to Him.

My Mamma told me that a long time ago, when I was a really young, she doubted the existence of God. She was in a deep hole, and desperately needed Him, but was unsure if He was there. One day she earnestly prayed, "God, if you are there, give me a sign!" Approximately three hours later, she saw a magnificent red-legged hawk perched on the flowering cherry tree in our backyard. It lingered there for a few moments, perhaps to make sure she had spotted it, and flew away. Perhaps I ought to mention that we lived in the suburbs, where the houses were close together, and there weren't a lot of trees---we certainly didn't live in the woods, where birds of that sort tend to congregate.

I'm not saying that that is how God will answer your prayer, but I thought it might encourage you, as it did my Mamma. Sometimes, as I'm sure you know, God shows us that he is real by giving us a very deep understanding of Him in our hearts. I pray that He will give you that gift.

Also, Gabriella really is right about the probable interference of Satan in this crisis of faith you are experiencing right now. Satan wants us to hate God as he does. One of the greatest ways of loving God is when a woman gladly gives up all to become a bride of Christ. Satan [i]always[/i] does his best to discourage men and women from entering religious life.

Maybe if you realize that the Prince of Darkness is behind your sudden crisis of faith, you will be able to get back on track with Him who loves you. When, in the past, I had crises of faith, I would force myself to look at the probability of Satan being behind my doubts. Often I would see that, just as I was about to do something for God, such as witnessing to a friend about Christianity, praying the rosary, etc., I would be attacked by the devil, who would belittle my faith. Once I became aware of the Evil One's intentions, I would be able to get back with God.

Well, anyway, I hope this helps a little. I'm going to say a prayer for you now. By the way, I'm writing this on a bad night's sleep, and I'm really out of it right now, so I really hope this made sense! LOL

Pax et bonum,

Margaret

[Guest phatdaddy]

Hi Johana,

I haven't been on the phourm in quite some time and I was reading your intial post with delight. I'm sad to see you are experience this dark night and would concur with Gabriel that Satan is behind these doubts. There is nothing I can say to relieve this agony from you except, He is closer to you now more than ever. Keep saying it to yourself over and over, and Pray "fill me with yourself"

I will also pray for you.

Jesus and Mary love you,
Mr. Ray (OCDS Aspirant)

[Chaya]

Hallo Johanna, wie geht es dir inzwischen?

just know that you're in my prayers. you can always pm me - i speak french, german & english. i've had my share of doubts, too.