Cow's Story Corner

[Maria]

Three rodents with defective vision
Observe their rate of motion
They all pursued an agriculturist's spouse
Who severed their spinal extremities with a common kitchen utensil
Have you ever in the span of your existence observed such a phenomenon
As three rodents with defective vision?


Scintillate, scintillate, oh minuscule burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of they composition
Many light years above the stratosphere
Like crystallized carbon in the exosphere
Scintillate, scintillate, oh minuscule burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of they composition

[tojo]

[quote name='Maria' post='1340861' date='Jul 25 2007, 08:45 PM']Scintillate, scintillate, [b]oh deceptively minuscule-appearing[/b] burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of [b]thy[/b] composition
Many light years above the stratosphere
Like crystallized carbon in the exosphere
Scintillate, scintillate, oh minuscule burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of [b]thy[/b] composition[/quote]

I submit these corrections and suggestions to your further review, and I applaud your work overall.

Edited July 26, 2007 by tomasio127

[Cow of Shame]

There once lived a young wommon named Cinderella, whose natural birthmother had died when Cinderella was but a child. A few years after, her father married a widow with two older daughters. Cinderella's mother-of-step treated her very cruelly, and her sisters-of-step made her work very hard, as if she were their own personal unpaid laborer.

One day an invitation arrived at their house. The prince was celebrating his exploitation of the disposessed and marginalized peasantry by throwing a fancy dress ball. Cinderella's sisters-of-step were very excited to be invited to the palace. They began to plan the expensive clothes they would use to alter and enslave their natural body images to emulate an unrealistic standard of feminine beauty. (It was especially unrealistic in their case, as they were differently visaged enough to stop a clock.) Her mother-of-step also planned to go to the ball, so Cinderella was working harder than a dog (an appropriate if unfortunately speciesist metaphor.)

When the day of the ball arrived, Cinderella helped her mother-and sisters-of-step into their ball gowns. A formidable task: It was like trying to force ten pounds of processed nonhuman animal carcasses into a five-pound skin. Next came immense cosmetic augmentation, which it would be best not to describe at all. As evening fell, her mother- and sisters-of-step left Cinderella at home to finish her housework. Cinderella was sad, but she contented herself with her Holly Near records.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, and in front of Cinderella stood a man dressed in loose-fitting, all-cotton clothes and wearing a wide-brimmed hat. At first Cinderella thought he was a Southern lawyer or a bandleader, but he soon put her straight.

"Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy godperson, or individual deity proxy, if you prefer. So, you want to go to the ball, eh? And bind yourself into the male concept of beauty? Squeeze into some tight-fitting dress that will cut off your circulation? Jam your feet into high-heeled shoes that will ruin your bone structure? Paint your face with chemicals and make-up that have been tested on nonhuman animals?"

"Oh yes, definitely," she said in an instant. Her fairy godperson heaved a great sigh and decided to put off her political education till another day. With his magic, he enveloped her in a beautiful, bright light and whisked her away to the palace.

Many, many carriages were lined up outside the palace that night; apparently, no one had ever thought of carpooling. Soon, in a heavy, gilded carriage painfully pulled by a team of horse-slaves, Cinderella arrived. She was dressed in a clinging gown woven of silk stolen from unsuspecting silkworms. Her hair was festooned with pearls plundered from hard-working, defenseless oysters. And on her feet, dangerous though it may seem, she wore slippers made of finely cut crystal.

Every head in the ballroom turned as Cinderella entered. The men stared at and lusted after this wommon who had captured perfectly their Barbie-doll ideas of feminine desirability. The womyn, trained at an early age to despise their own bodies, looked at Cinderella with envy and spite. Cinderella's own mother- and sisters-of-step, consumed with jealousy, failed to recognize her.

Cinderella soon caught the roving eye of the prince, who was busy discussing jousting and bear-baiting with his cronies. Upon seeing her, the prince was struck with a fit of not being able to speak as well as the majority of the population. "Here," he thought, "is a wommon that I could make my princess and impregnate with the progeny of our perfect genes, and thus make myself the envy of every other prince for miles around. And she's blond, too!"

The prince began to cross the ballroom toward his intended prey. His cronies also began to walk toward Cinderella. So did every other male in the ballroom who was younger than 70 and not serving drinks.

Cinderella was proud of the commotion she was causing. She walked with head high and carried herself like a wommon of eminent social standing. But soon it became clear that the commotion was turning into something ugly, or at least socially dysfunctional.

The prince had made it clear to his friends that he was intent on 'possessing' the young wommon. But the prince's resoluteness angered his pals, for they too lusted after her and wanted to own her. The men began to shout and push each other. The prince's best friend, who was a large if cerebrally constrained duke, stopped him halfway across the dance floor and insisted that [i]he[/i] was going to have Cinderella. The prince's response was a swift kick to the groin, which left the duke temporarily inactive. But the prince was quickly seized by the other sex-crazed males, and he disappeared into a pile of human animals.

The womyn were appalled by this vicious display of testosterone, but try as they might, they were unable to separate the combatants. To the other womyn, it seemed that Cinderella was the cause of all the trouble, so they encircled her and began to display very unsisterly hostility. She tried to escape, but her impractical glass slippers made it nearly impossible. Fortunately for her, none of the other womyn were shod any better.

The noise grew so loud that no one heard the clock in the tower chime midnight. When the bell rang the twelfth time, Cinderella's beautiful gown and slippers disappeared, and she was dressed once again in her peasant's rags. Her mother- and sisters-of-step recognized her now, but kept quiet to avoid embarrassment.

The womyn grew silent at this magical transformation. Freed from the confinements of her gown and slippers, Cinderella sighed and stretched and scratched her ribs. She smiled, closed her eyes and said, "Kill me now if you want, sisters, but at least I'll die in comfort."

The womyn around her again grew envious, but this time they took a different approach: Instead of exacting vengeance on her, they stripped off their bodices, corsets, shoes, and every other confining garment. They danced and jumped and screeched in sheer joy, comfortable at last in their shifts and bare feet.

Had the men looked up from their macho dance of destruction, they would have seen many desirable womyn dressed as if for the boudoir. But they never ceased pounding, punching, kicking, and clawing each other until, to the last man, they were dead.

The womyn clucked their tongues but felt no remorse. The palace and realm were theirs now. Their first official act was to dress the men in their discarded dresses and tell the media that the fights arose when someone threatened to expose the cross-dressing tendencies of the prince and his cronies. Their second was to set up a clothing co-op that produced only comfortable, practical clothes for womyn. Then they hung a sign on the castle advertising CinderWear (for that was what the new clothing was called), and through self-determination and clever marketing, they all--even the mother- and sisters-of-step--lived happily ever after.

[Cow of Shame]

Sorry for the lengthy one. Here's one that's shorter

A Visit to HisChild's Grandma's House:

Toddling along, HisChild opened the stained door at his Grandmother's house.
"Moggy! I'm here!" he declared.

"Well if it ain't that little wagtail of a gran'chile'" a rasping voice called out from the darkened interior. "You jest get choreself on in here and give your Mimi a kiss,"

Picking his way through the cigarette butts and empty gin bottles, HisChild, or "Pippi" as he was wont to be called, entered the lair of his Granny. Giant overstuffed furniture crowded the small living room, like so many fat men squeezed in an elevator. Of course, most fat men wouldn't have been caught dead wearing that many doilies. Any leftover space was crammed with crayoned drawings done in an inexpert hand.

"Smoochie smoochie" snuggled little Pippi. "Your whiskers tickle, Moggy!"

"Haw, you always wuz one to flatter, Pippi. Help your Mimi to the kitchen so's she can have a bit o' breakfist," said his Granny with a wink. Her leather corset creaking like a schooner under heavy gales, Pippi helped his Granny reattach her pegleg and leverage herself up off of her favorite divan. "An' I made you some of those cookies you like so much," she added.

"You left the crickets out of them this time, right? They were too crunchy. I liked the mealworms, though. They gave them a nutty flavor," Pippi replied. He'd become quite the little 'nature man' at Granny's house. He did occasionally wonder if the insects were necessary to build 'moral fibre' as she claimed, or if she just didn't feel like buying chocolate chips.

"Just you wait and see!" she cackled. "Give Alphonse his morning mousie, and I'll add an extra cookie to your plate,"

Pippi entered the bathroom off of his Granny's kitchen. Snippets the goat eyed him madly as he sidled past on his way to the large clawfoot tub in the corner. Perhaps it wasn't in the best interest of the nanny's mental health to keep her in the same room as a 4 ft alligator, but his Moggy had always believed that 'what didn't kill you made you stronger.' No doubt Snippets could eat bullets by now. He gave her a wide berth.

Opening the door of the cabinet, Pippi selected two young white mice and flipped them towards the sloshing tub. Pinwheeling wildly through the air, legs flailing, the mice squeaked their outrage. Thankfully, they didn't have to worry about the long term effects of high blood pressure.

[misereremi]

[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1340700' date='Jul 25 2007, 11:53 PM']"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"[/quote]
[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1341157' date='Jul 26 2007, 08:06 AM']Freed from the confinements of her gown and slippers, Cinderella sighed and stretched and scratched her ribs.[/quote]
[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1341174' date='Jul 26 2007, 08:28 AM']Perhaps it wasn't in the best interest of the nanny's mental health to keep her in the same room as a 4 ft alligator, but his Moggy had always believed that 'what didn't kill you made you stronger.'[/quote]
Hilarious! (Nothing like a good laugh on a rainy, flooded day!)

[Maria]

[quote name='tomasio127' post='1340878' date='Jul 25 2007, 09:55 PM']I submit these corrections and suggestions to your further review, and I applaud your work overall.[/quote]
1) the original says 'little star', not 'seemingly little star'
2) oops! that's what it was supposed to be This is what I meant to post:

Scintillate, scintillate, oh minuscule burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of thy composition
Many light years above the stratosphere
Like crystallized carbon in the exosphere
Scintillate, scintillate, oh minuscule burning globe of gas
How my mind doth ponder on the nature of thy composition

My sister Angela and I came up with it after reading the 'three rodents with defective vision' one. We were going to do 'Hey Diddle Diddle' as well, but we stopped before we got very far.

Edited July 26, 2007 by Maria

[Pig of Intrigue]

There once was an intriguing pig
Whose snout was incredibly big
He hung out by the barn
Cuz he didn't give a darn
And sometimes he put on a whig

[Cow of Shame]

You killed story time, Pig

[Paddington]

It was already on the ventilator.....I mean respirator.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1346026' date='Aug 1 2007, 01:06 AM']You killed story time, Pig[/quote]
a bad limerick often has that effect.


I'll attempt a jumpstart here:

[b]Beauty v. Beast[/b]

Application to Abrogate, Nullify, Rescind, Withdraw, Annul, and/or Otherwise Revoke an Existing Prenuptial Agreement between the Petitioner, Beauty and the Respondent, Beast.

The petitioner warrants that nine years, four months, and two days prior to the date of this filing, the petitioner, Beauty, did willingly but without benefit of legal counsel agree to and sign what in law is commonly referred to as a "prenuptial agreement," a legal document signed prior to marriage in which marrying parties do agree to a disposition of assets should said marriage fail to endure. The petitioner does not contest this fact.

This agreement did state that in the event petitioner and respondent did not live happily ever after, the Plaintiff would be entitled to a specific but limited portion of the funds, estate, and all properties owned then or to be acquired during the time of said marriage. This agreement limited such participation in the assets of the Beast to two percent (2%) of his total assets and no more than five percent (5%) of all assets gained during that period during which Beauty and the Beast resided together. It was also stipulated that these funds would be bestowed and distributed entirely at the discretion of the Beast and that Beauty shall/should be entitled to continue living a lifestyle commensurate with that she enjoyed during the period of cohabitation. Petitioner will not contest these facts.

BUT AND/OR HOWEVER, such agreement did not sufficiently or specifically address consequences arising from the desire of the respondent, Beast, to end this marriage, contrary to the wishes and desires of the petitioner, Beauty. This agreement also did not anticipate the four children born to this couple during their marital years.

BUT AND/OR HOWEVER, this agreement did not anticipate the reversal of fortune of said Beast, including the loss of several income-producing properties, resulting in the precipitous decline in the total value of all assets. Said agreement also did not anticipate the extremely high level of inflation resulting in the dramatic increase in the cost of goods and services necessary to the continued well-being of this family. Therefore this combination of factors had reduced the real value of this agreement far below that either anticipated or desired by both parties when such and said agreement was mutually agreed to and signed.

THEREFORE, said agreement does not adequately compensate Beauty and such heirs as exist in a manner that would allow them to maintain the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed and to which Beast agreed in this document, and therefore, said document should be considered null and void and should be abrogated, rescinded, withdrawn, annulled, and/or otherwise revoked and replaced with a court-ordered disposition of assets owned or controlled by the Beast, and failing that, this document should be replaced with court-ordered support payments to be made on a timely basis of such scale as to enable petitioner to continue to support her family in a manner approximating that enjoyed during the marital years.

THE FACTS: Petitioner was coerced into signing this agreement. Eight years ago the plaintiff was the simple daughter of a merchant, home educated, an innocent maiden who was forced to share an abode with the respondent to relieve real threats to the family, specifically the father, of the petitioner. Said father, after partaking of the hospitality of the Beast, admittedly did rip, tear, and cause to come asunder a single rose from the property of the Beast. Beast thereupon threatened said father with capital punishment for the "crime" of Rose Robbing. Beast provided an alternate sentence to the father: If his daughter, the petitioner, would reside within the confines of the Beast's estate for one year, the sentence passed upon the father would be revoked. After discussing this with is family, the father agreed to these terms.

At great personal sacrifice, giving up all she knew and to whom she was known, the petitioner did leave her abode and reside in common with the Beast. All parties to this binding contract agreed that the term "reside with" would be specifically limited to a physical presence on such premises as designated by the Beast but would not include any physical contact whatsoever. All parties involved agreed that this contractual provision was properly observed.

STATE OF MIND: At the time the petitioner agreed to cohabit with the Beast, his state might properly be described as "the unfortunate victim of a wicked fairy." In all physical traits he more closely resembled an individual identified as a member of the animal kingdom than those traditionally known as "human beings". Rather than a nose he had a long snout. His ears were long and extended beyond the rim of his head. His entire body was covered by hair. He had a tail. Instead of the common hand and fingers, he had paws and claws. Such physical handicaps did cause the Beast to create a solitary existence. He lived completely alone. He had no known friends. He spent his days doing non-productive work. Such traits have previously been described by the psychiatric community as being most common among individuals suffering from severe inferiority complexes, often bordering on excessive manic depression.

While he did exist in such a state, Beauty did come to fulfill all obligations under the contract agreed to between said Beast and her father. She did share a common residence, and a non-physical relationship did grow between them. Beauty, void of all knowledge of this curse and believing the Beast to be, in fact, of "his own mind and body", did fulfill completely all contractual terms.

CHANGE OF STATUS: There came a time at which the petitioner requested and was granted temporary relief from contractual terms, allowing her furlough in which to visit her family. She left the residence with permission and goodwill and proceeded to return to her familial residence, at which time and place she enjoyed the familial bonds to which she was otherwise grievously deprived. After several days, she did become aware through mitigating circumstances that the Beast was suffering a severe distress reaction occasioned by her absence. A feeling human being, the petitioner experienced great sympathy toward the plight of the afflicted Beast and did return immediately to the aforementioned residence.

PETITIONER SAVES LIFE OF RESPONDENT: On arrival at said premises, the petitioner found respondent to be extremely weak, apparently stricken with an illness of a non-determined, non-diagnosed, and arguably psychosomatic nature. Respondent complained of difficulty in breathing and severe heart pains. Overcome by sympathy for said respondent, the petitioner did willingly, of her own accord, and without prompting, lean over and kiss respondent.

CHANGE OF STATUS OF RESPONDENT: The kiss-of-life caused to occur an immediate and dramatic transformation, during which the respondent was physically altered from an individual resembling a beast in all physical characteristics to a handsome prince. Respondent claimed that prior physical appearance rsulted from an altercation with a wicked fairy. Respondent admitted that the kiss administered by petitioner of her own free-will was the only antidote for such penalty. At the same time, respondent did suggest, ask, request, and otherwise beseech petitioner to agree to a prenuptial pact outlining distribution of his assets in the event said nuptials should not prevail for a substantial period of time. The petitioner, having just witnessed this transformation, can psychologically be described as "being in a state of confusion occasioned by such change as never before experienced"... and therefore, completely unable to make real and rational decisions based on the actual events having occurred. So without counsel to which she was entitled and, as a matter of law, obligated to consult, the petitioner did agree to such terms as outlined by the Prince. These terms eventually proved to be heinous in all aspects to the continued health and well-being of the petitioner and such heirs as now exist. In legal terms, the petitioner might be termed to be Princess Simplea.

FAILURE TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER: Unfortunately, this cautionary tale precludes any claim whatsoever by either party that the resulting nuptials concluded in an ending properly defined as "happily". It is the position of the petitioner that in addition to the solely cosmetic change experienced by the respondent, there occurred concurrently a more substantive change... ie: a complete reversal of personality. At the outset of this relationship, the respondent might accurately be described as "a beast on the exterior, and prince on the interior". However, once transformed, due entirely to the actions, dedication and selflessness of the petitioner, the respondent thereupon became "a prince on the outside, a beast on the inside." It is charged in divorce papers filed by the petitioner that the respondent, while fullfilling his spousal obligations, did also engage in extra-marital activities in extremis. The petitioner can provide substantial evidence that the respondent did engage in carnal activities with eight or more village maidens while the petitioner was entirely engaged in providing a happy castle for him and producing his family. These extra-marital activites did cause substantial pain and suffering, ridicule, emotional distress, and physical danger from prolonged contact with a variety of maidens. The petitioner and respondent did engage in at least several loud and lengthy discussions about these activities, and durng one such encounter, the respondent did knowingly accuse the petitioned of "gaining weight", an unusually cruel and harmful attack on the emotional state of the petitioner. These prolonged discussion did occur more frequently until it became no longer viable for the petitioner to cohabit in the castle of the respondent.

PRECEDENT: Various aspects of this petition have been litigated previously, and there exists substantial precedent to support the claims made by the petitioner. In Queen v. Rumpelstiltskin the Court held that an individual, in that case Queen, could not be compelled to fullfill a contract, however valid such contract, if provisions of said contract forced either party into performing actions that otherwise would not be considered legal. In that case, the issue was involuntary servitude to fulfill an obligation entered into by Queen. The Court said: "No party to a contract can legally waive such rights as to put them in such a position as they are compelled by said contract to perform activities or services deemed illegal under the existing statutes of that municipality, as such rights are beyond the scope of the individual to waive. Specifically, "Such contracts negotiated, agreed to, or signed in a situation in which any contracting party may be responding to pressure, duress, or other external factors, causing them to act against their own self-interest, are hereby held to be invalid and cannot be used to compel any action." Having previously witnessed the respondent transformed from Beast to Prince can be seen by the Court to have created a situation rife with pressure and duress, which therefore would invalidate any agreements made in that state of mind.

(14i) In Kingdom v. Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe (cit. 34 partb, ex parte 145), in which the defendent (Old Lady) attempted to provide for many children by contracting for their servicers prior to their taking residence in the shoe, in direct contravention to an order from the Child Welfare Board, the Court held - "It is imperative that the Court recognize there exists no rights of any individual to proffer, contract for, or in any other way whatsoever accept or agree to any contract concerning the welfare of minor children without the express consent of coherent adult supervisors". It is the contention of the petitioner that by agreeing to the signing of this contract while in a state of extreme duress, and without counsel, the rights of the children were compromised and therefore the entire agreement is invalid, as the children were improperly represented in this agreement.

REMEDY: It is within the power of this Court first, to declare said prenuptial agreement to have been signed under duress, at a time in which the petitioner was not in complete possession of faculties, and is therefore invalid; and, second... to replace this agreement with a court-ordered schedule of payments, compelling the respondent to fulfill his paternal obligations to the best of his ability.

Respectfully filed:
O. King Cole

[missionseeker]

[princessgianna]

[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1341157' date='Jul 26 2007, 01:06 AM']There once lived a young wommon named Cinderella, whose natural birthmother had died when Cinderella was but a child. A few years after, her father married a widow with two older daughters. Cinderella's mother-of-step treated her very cruelly, and her sisters-of-step made her work very hard, as if she were their own personal unpaid laborer.

One day an invitation arrived at their house. The prince was celebrating his exploitation of the disposessed and marginalized peasantry by throwing a fancy dress ball. Cinderella's sisters-of-step were very excited to be invited to the palace. They began to plan the expensive clothes they would use to alter and enslave their natural body images to emulate an unrealistic standard of feminine beauty. (It was especially unrealistic in their case, as they were differently visaged enough to stop a clock.) Her mother-of-step also planned to go to the ball, so Cinderella was working harder than a dog (an appropriate if unfortunately speciesist metaphor.)

When the day of the ball arrived, Cinderella helped her mother-and sisters-of-step into their ball gowns. A formidable task: It was like trying to force ten pounds of processed nonhuman animal carcasses into a five-pound skin. Next came immense cosmetic augmentation, which it would be best not to describe at all. As evening fell, her mother- and sisters-of-step left Cinderella at home to finish her housework. Cinderella was sad, but she contented herself with her Holly Near records.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, and in front of Cinderella stood a man dressed in loose-fitting, all-cotton clothes and wearing a wide-brimmed hat. At first Cinderella thought he was a Southern lawyer or a bandleader, but he soon put her straight.

"Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy godperson, or individual deity proxy, if you prefer. So, you want to go to the ball, eh? And bind yourself into the male concept of beauty? Squeeze into some tight-fitting dress that will cut off your circulation? Jam your feet into high-heeled shoes that will ruin your bone structure? Paint your face with chemicals and make-up that have been tested on nonhuman animals?"

"Oh yes, definitely," she said in an instant. Her fairy godperson heaved a great sigh and decided to put off her political education till another day. With his magic, he enveloped her in a beautiful, bright light and whisked her away to the palace.

Many, many carriages were lined up outside the palace that night; apparently, no one had ever thought of carpooling. Soon, in a heavy, gilded carriage painfully pulled by a team of horse-slaves, Cinderella arrived. She was dressed in a clinging gown woven of silk stolen from unsuspecting silkworms. Her hair was festooned with pearls plundered from hard-working, defenseless oysters. And on her feet, dangerous though it may seem, she wore slippers made of finely cut crystal.

Every head in the ballroom turned as Cinderella entered. The men stared at and lusted after this wommon who had captured perfectly their Barbie-doll ideas of feminine desirability. The womyn, trained at an early age to despise their own bodies, looked at Cinderella with envy and spite. Cinderella's own mother- and sisters-of-step, consumed with jealousy, failed to recognize her.

Cinderella soon caught the roving eye of the prince, who was busy discussing jousting and bear-baiting with his cronies. Upon seeing her, the prince was struck with a fit of not being able to speak as well as the majority of the population. "Here," he thought, "is a wommon that I could make my princess and impregnate with the progeny of our perfect genes, and thus make myself the envy of every other prince for miles around. And she's blond, too!"

The prince began to cross the ballroom toward his intended prey. His cronies also began to walk toward Cinderella. So did every other male in the ballroom who was younger than 70 and not serving drinks.

Cinderella was proud of the commotion she was causing. She walked with head high and carried herself like a wommon of eminent social standing. But soon it became clear that the commotion was turning into something ugly, or at least socially dysfunctional.

The prince had made it clear to his friends that he was intent on 'possessing' the young wommon. But the prince's resoluteness angered his pals, for they too lusted after her and wanted to own her. The men began to shout and push each other. The prince's best friend, who was a large if cerebrally constrained duke, stopped him halfway across the dance floor and insisted that [i]he[/i] was going to have Cinderella. The prince's response was a swift kick to the groin, which left the duke temporarily inactive. But the prince was quickly seized by the other sex-crazed males, and he disappeared into a pile of human animals.

The womyn were appalled by this vicious display of testosterone, but try as they might, they were unable to separate the combatants. To the other womyn, it seemed that Cinderella was the cause of all the trouble, so they encircled her and began to display very unsisterly hostility. She tried to escape, but her impractical glass slippers made it nearly impossible. Fortunately for her, none of the other womyn were shod any better.

The noise grew so loud that no one heard the clock in the tower chime midnight. When the bell rang the twelfth time, Cinderella's beautiful gown and slippers disappeared, and she was dressed once again in her peasant's rags. Her mother- and sisters-of-step recognized her now, but kept quiet to avoid embarrassment.

The womyn grew silent at this magical transformation. Freed from the confinements of her gown and slippers, Cinderella sighed and stretched and scratched her ribs. She smiled, closed her eyes and said, "Kill me now if you want, sisters, but at least I'll die in comfort."

The womyn around her again grew envious, but this time they took a different approach: Instead of exacting vengeance on her, they stripped off their bodices, corsets, shoes, and every other confining garment. They danced and jumped and screeched in sheer joy, comfortable at last in their shifts and bare feet.

Had the men looked up from their macho dance of destruction, they would have seen many desirable womyn dressed as if for the boudoir. But they never ceased pounding, punching, kicking, and clawing each other until, to the last man, they were dead.

The womyn clucked their tongues but felt no remorse. The palace and realm were theirs now. Their first official act was to dress the men in their discarded dresses and tell the media that the fights arose when someone threatened to expose the cross-dressing tendencies of the prince and his cronies. Their second was to set up a clothing co-op that produced only comfortable, practical clothes for womyn. Then they hung a sign on the castle advertising CinderWear (for that was what the new clothing was called), and through self-determination and clever marketing, they all--even the mother- and sisters-of-step--lived happily ever after.[/quote]

nice! i like it! that just rocks~

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Cow of Shame' post='1340700' date='Jul 25 2007, 05:53 PM']There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house--not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was [i]not[/i] sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They ave seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have--only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf said, "I am happy with [i]who[/i] I am and [i]what[/i] I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.[/quote]Is this one from boook one or two?

[cmotherofpirl]

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