Some Ramblings On Married Life

[MissyP89]

Let's face it: the religious life isn't for everybody, for whatever the reason.

I've been a Catholic revert for a little less than two months. There isn't anything in me that feels I might be called to a community (FYI, I'll be 18 in November). I'm praying about it, though--God only knows what He has planned for me. It's both exciting and a little scary.

If I had [i]my[/i] way, I'd most definitely want to get married. There's a bias here as I'm currently interested in a very gentlemanly Christian who's sniffing out the Church, but I think even without him I'd want to get married someday. Definitely not any time soon, mind you--probably after I graduate college.

~*~*~

My questions for the married folks here are as follows (I really hope it's okay for me to be nosy and ask! ):

~ Did you ever feel called to be a religious before you got married? What made it "wrong" for you?

~ When did you feel [i]God[/i] called you to marry?

~ How does Catholicism strengthen or affect your marriage?

~ How many kids do you have (anyone can answer, but I'm particularly curious about those of you who use Natural Family Planning)?

~ And a few general ones about Catholic marriage and kids: Are we called to have as many children as possible? Do we [i]have to[/i] have a lot of children? Take me, for example--I understand that if I marry a Catholic we have to be open to life, but I don't want a lot of kids. Is it okay for me to only want one or two? Does the Church have any qualms about that?

I may come back with more later, but I suppose this is a good place to start. Thanks in advance to anyone who contributes; it's very much appreciated.

~Missy

(Edit: I just saw that there's a whole Defense Directory section on marriage, but I'm curious to hear about personal experiences you guys have had.)

Edited June 14, 2007 by MissyP89

[Totus Tuus]

Hi! I'm really interested to hear the answers you get, too

I'm not married, but I do know the answer to one of the questions you asked


[quote name='MissyP89' post='1295306' date='Jun 14 2007, 03:02 PM']~ And a few general ones about Catholic marriage and kids: Are we called to have as many children as possible? Do we [i]have to[/i] have a lot of children? Take me, for example--I understand that if I marry a Catholic we have to be open to life, but I don't want a lot of kids. Is it okay for me to only want one or two? Does the Church have any qualms about that?[/quote]


NFP can be used to limit the number of children you have only in [i]grave circumstances[/i] (i.e., if the mother's health would be seriously threatened if she were to become pregnant at that time). I often hear advertisements saying things like: "NFP... the Catholic [i]solution[/i] to contraception!". That is not correct. The contraceptive mentality is that the conjugal act is foremost for pleasure, and that children are an unwelcome outcome of that pleasure, or that they are meant to be "planned for", instead of God being in charge. The Church teaches, however, that while pleasure and a mutual expression of love is a secondary aspect, procreation is the first. So, to call NFP (which is a good thing) a "solution" to contraception is misguided. NFP is not in any way, shape, or form, meant to be a method of contraception acceptable to the Church. NFP can help a couple to learn to communicate, and teach them about how we are "wondrously made" by God to be able to procreate children. But its primary function is [i]not[/i] to limit the number of children in your family. And if, after prayerful discernment, the couple decides (feeling they are in union with God's will) that there is a serious reason to postpone pregnancy for the time being, it is important to note that when you are using NFP you are always [i]open[/i] to the possibility of new life when you are not abstaining 100% of the time.

That said, not all couples will be able to have "lots" of children. But the number of children one is to have is really in the mind of God And quite honestly, you will not find happiness in this life if you are trying to plan your family to fit your desires; you will be happy if you accept what He sends you! He would never send you lots of children to make you unhappy. He wants you to be happy, so if He sends you lots of children, you [i]will[/i] be happy with them.

I hope that helps and that I did not make it more confusing than it should be. God bless you and I hope your discernment leads you to the life of joy which only God can impart!

Lauren

Edited June 14, 2007 by Totus Tuus

[stlmom]

Dear Missy,
I am one of the few regulars here who is married (29 years next month) who was a serious discerner to religious life in my teens. I will try to answer your questions as best as I can here, but feel free to question anything I write, as it will be incomplete at best and derived from my own life as a wife and mother.
I did my discernment during the late '60's and early '70's. I actually lived away from home as a high school aspirant at the academy operated by the sisters who taught in my parochial school. Why I left--what made it "wrong" for me, was at first, my disillusionment over discovering that religious women were capable of the same gross failings of other humans; ill-tempers, petty jealousies, favoritisms, one-upmanship, you get my point. Add to that, the struggle of the community to handle the changes coming to religious life, and in particular, the factionalism that developed from living with sisters who wanted no change to the sisters who expected everything to change and all points of view in between. I was not ready to go any further into a chaotic environment. That's what I thought made it wrong for me at first. It took me a number of years to realize that I would not have made a good religious even under the best of conditions, as I now believe I sought the friendship of the sisters to replace an unhappy home life.

I met my husband in college; he is a practicing Presbyterian, but has never stood in my way with any of my religious practices, we are on the same page with the essentials of marriage. We DO have rather lively discussions about religion from time to time!
He is the only Presbyterian I know who abstains from meat every Friday of the year , even when we don't eat together!
I have a great appreciation of the genuine goodness of other Christians, and I think he has the same for much of Catholicism. My pastor and he get along really well (could it be because he is a generous donor to both his and my church? hmmmm..)

About children--we have 3 living children, but I did have several miscarriages early on in our marriage. Our youngest son had a great deal of trouble with learning and behavior, and took a tremendous toll on our energy and time and financial and familial resources to get the help we needed for him. For us, that constituted a grave reason to limit our family to three. Fortunately, the Church gives parents the latitude to judge that gravity. It wasn't a decision to be made lightly. Now that they are grown,
I am glad I didn't just have one or two--kids need to have that daily practice of give and take, they need those DAILY opportunities to learn selflessness. And parents need to learn humility and dependence before God--and anytime the children outnumber the parents, you do learn how to pray, believe me.

Is it OK to just want one or two?--was one of your questions. When I was much younger, I thought as you did. My dear husband had a better perspective--he said we only had to take them one at a time, which I came to see as very much linked to trust in God. Good thing twins didn't run in the family--I don't know what he would have said if that happened!

God bless!

[Lioness For Christ]

[quote name='MissyP89' post='1295306' date='Jun 14 2007, 03:02 PM']~ And a few general ones about Catholic marriage and kids: Are we called to have as many children as possible? Do we [i]have to[/i] have a lot of children? Take me, for example--I understand that if I marry a Catholic we have to be open to life, but I don't want a lot of kids. Is it okay for me to only want one or two? Does the Church have any qualms about that?[/quote]

Glad you're back in the faith, Missy!

All vocations are asking us to be self-giving be it religious, married or single. If you are married, you are called to have as many children as God will give you. It's not "pick and choose a number that sounds suitable". It's a huge part about what marriage is!

And as someone else said, not everyone who wants lots of kids can have that many... It's all up to God! He knows best! Just gotta trust Him! Remember: God knows what worries you have--"finance trouble" lack of paticnce, whatever.. He won't give you what you can't handle or what you won't be able to take care of. I know it's easy to say and isn't easy to do, but TRUST is so important in that aspect!

Hope this helped!

[Chiquitunga]

Hi Missy,

Just thought I'd post a link to a related question in the Catholic Answers forum, though it's more something that would come up later in life: [url="http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=2346630#post2346630"]Can abstinence be observed within marriage?[/url]

I hope you get many great replies from married people here! God bless!

~Margaret

[MissyP89]

Thank you all for your wonderful insight and being willing to share. It's been really enlightening for me.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='MissyP89' post='1295306' date='Jun 14 2007, 08:02 PM']~ Did you ever feel called to be a religious before you got married? What made it "wrong" for you?

~ When did you feel [i]God[/i] called you to marry?

~ How does Catholicism strengthen or affect your marriage?

~ How many kids do you have (anyone can answer, but I'm particularly curious about those of you who use Natural Family Planning)?

~ And a few general ones about Catholic marriage and kids: Are we called to have as many children as possible? Do we [i]have to[/i] have a lot of children? Take me, for example--I understand that if I marry a Catholic we have to be open to life, but I don't want a lot of kids. Is it okay for me to only want one or two? Does the Church have any qualms about that?[/quote]

1 - I didn't feel called to that. Granted, I didn't convert to Catholicism until after I started dating, so I can't help with that one.
2 - After I'd met my husband, but before we were dating. It was something we were both praying about.
3 - It's hard to describe. I remember reading a story of a couple going to Mass the day after their wedding and receiving the Eucharist. The husband broke down crying because he said he finally understood how completely Christ gives Himself to us in the Eucharist after having experienced his wedding night and giving himself completely to his wife. Our love for each other in marriage should reflect the love of Christ, and the Church teaches us that love. There's so much more, but again, it's difficult to put into words.
4 - 1 kid on the way. We use the Billings Method, and had been waiting due to both of us being in grad school. We're still in grad school, but will have our MAs when the child is born. So we're trusting in God for everything with this.
5 - I think that one's been covered.

[Totus Tuus]

I'd like to ask our married Phatmassers another question:

What do you think about cloistered religious life (sometimes just religious life in general) being considered the "higher calling"? Mother Vicar at OLAM would always tell us that it is called "higher" because it prefigures heaven (union of the soul and God) in a more radical way than marriage, but not because it is "better". The way I see it, it's better if that what you're called to, but if you're called to marriage then marriage is better for [i]you[/i]. She would remind us that it does not mean that consecrated religious will have a higher place in heaven or anything of the sort (as we all know). She said there are a lot of married people who live much holier lives (that's obvious... every individual has to make daily decisions to follow Our Lord, and consecrated religious are not exempt from the Cross!). I just want to know if this came into consideration when you were discerning the vocation to marriage, and if you ever struggled with the thought, or wondered if you made the wrong decision once you were married.

Thanks in advance!

Lauren

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' post='1299585' date='Jun 21 2007, 10:31 PM']I'd like to ask our married Phatmassers another question:

What do you think about cloistered religious life (sometimes just religious life in general) being considered the "higher calling"? Mother Vicar at OLAM would always tell us that it is called "higher" because it prefigures heaven (union of the soul and God) in a more radical way than marriage, but not because it is "better". The way I see it, it's better if that what you're called to, but if you're called to marriage then marriage is better for [i]you[/i]. She would remind us that it does not mean that consecrated religious will have a higher place in heaven or anything of the sort (as we all know). She said there are a lot of married people who live much holier lives (that's obvious... every individual has to make daily decisions to follow Our Lord, and consecrated religious are not exempt from the Cross!). I just want to know if this came into consideration when you were discerning the vocation to marriage, and if you ever struggled with the thought, or wondered if you made the wrong decision once you were married.

Thanks in advance!

Lauren[/quote]

With my husband & me, this didn't really come into consideration. We had prayed about our marriage, and knew that was the vocation to which God was calling us. I definitely admire those who are called to the cloistered religious life, and don't object to it being referred to as the "higher calling". However, had I followed that route just because of it being a "higher calling", it would have been a bad decision because it was not the vocation to which I was called. I think that's the distinction. The right vocation for each person is that to which God has called them. I'm rambling, so I hope that made sense!

[Totus Tuus]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' post='1299767' date='Jun 22 2007, 08:06 AM']With my husband & me, this didn't really come into consideration. We had prayed about our marriage, and knew that was the vocation to which God was calling us. I definitely admire those who are called to the cloistered religious life, and don't object to it being referred to as the "higher calling". However, had I followed that route just because of it being a "higher calling", it would have been a bad decision because it was not the vocation to which I was called. I think that's the distinction. The right vocation for each person is that to which God has called them. I'm rambling, so I hope that made sense![/quote]


That is [i]exactly[/i] how I see the matter as well. Thanks!


Anyone else?

[stlmom]

[quote name='Totus Tuus' post='1299585' date='Jun 21 2007, 05:31 PM']I'd like to ask our married Phatmassers another question:

What do you think about cloistered religious life (sometimes just religious life in general) being considered the "higher calling"? Mother Vicar at OLAM would always tell us that it is called "higher" because it prefigures heaven (union of the soul and God) in a more radical way than marriage, but not because it is "better". The way I see it, it's better if that what you're called to, but if you're called to marriage then marriage is better for [i]you[/i]. She would remind us that it does not mean that consecrated religious will have a higher place in heaven or anything of the sort (as we all know). She said there are a lot of married people who live much holier lives (that's obvious... every individual has to make daily decisions to follow Our Lord, and consecrated religious are not exempt from the Cross!). I just want to know if this came into consideration when you were discerning the vocation to marriage, and if you ever struggled with the thought, or wondered if you made the wrong decision once you were married.

Thanks in advance!

Lauren[/quote]


When I was an adolescent and discerning religious life, I did presume that religious life was both "higher" and "better", partly out of my own ignorance of what constituted real holiness. Some of the sisters with whom I associated with at the time, unfortunately, believed this too, but many saw things as your former Mother Vicar quite appropriately. It is a distinctive way of life and should be respected as a gift to the whole Church.

Holiness is holiness is holiness no matter what the vocation. It may be that consecrated life prefigures the union of the soul and God, but so does the marriage bond, as described in both the Old and New Testaments. I don't get all worked up about who is higher/better/whatever because it is enough work for me just to figure out what God wants from me today!

By the time I started contemplating marriage, I had stopped considering religious life for several years, and didn't struggle with the decision at all. Now----fast forward---when my teenage kids broke curfew----the thought did cross my mind that if I were a Sister, I wouldn't have to put up with all this aggravation, lol. But no, never felt I'd made the wrong decision to marry, perhaps because it took us a fair amount of time to decide to marry--about 2 years, and a lot of discernment went into that decision as well.