What Is It To Discern?

[franciscanheart]

I posted this to [url="http://and-if-not.blogspot.com"]my blog[/url]. This is partly what came out of my 'road block' and partly what came out of something else.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

[b]On A Journey Towards Christ[/b]
[size=1][i]There is no doubt in my mind: my ultimate goal is union with Christ in Heaven. But like with everything else, I need steps leading there.[/i][/size]

I'm struggling again with how to word what it is I wish to say. I'll say it as plainly and clearly as I can but please do excuse me if I still seem vague or unclear. Things are cloudy in my mind, too. In fact, thinking about beginning this post brings me back to a conversation I had a month or so ago with a new friend of mine. He said to me during our convesation something along the lines of "our whole lives are spent in discernment". And it's true. They are. We seek every day to discern the will of the Father in our lives. Every day we have little discernments. But the one I often speak of is the big one.. vocational discernment. I talk about it because it does consume my life. Many of the little discernments in my life - the ones that happen on a daily basis - are made in such a way that should not hinder my bigger discernment. And I guess that's where we jump off..

I am discerning a call to the religious life. Or I was. I am? I'm not really sure how to say this in a way which makes sense. Basically, I'm open to any vocation at this point. I did for a long time feel a huge pull towards the convent. I was 'sure' I wanted to enter religious life. I knew I would be a sister and was only seeking the right community. And perhaps I still know this. But I feel so much pressure from so many places that I need to step back again and reevaluate where I am.

I know that in many senses I was the one who allowed this 'pressure' to build up around me. I was the one who made the announcement and certainly I have not shied away from talking about it. I do love religious life. I appreciate what it is to those who are served by the sisters and brothers and priests and I appreciate what it is to the Church and the souls that belong to Christ. However, choosing this vocation is not choosing it because I want it or because my fellow parishoners want it for me. Choosing this vocation is simply accepting what Christ has chosen for me.

Has Christ chosen religious life for me? Is this how He calls me to serve Him?

I wish I could answer these questions with a resounding "yes!" I wish I could tell you that I knew for sure. But frankly, that's the point of discernment. I'm still wading through everything in my head, trying my hardest to come to the right answer - the answer that comes from Christ.

I enjoyed my visit with the Sisters very, very much. I love every aspect of their life and service. Certainly if I am to enter religious life, they would be an order I would like to revisit. But to say today or tomorrow that I know for certain that this is the place where Christ calls me.. well, I just couldn't do it. Not honestly.

When I was leaving I was able to talk to the vocations director for the order. She drove me to the airport and with the traffic in the city, we had a good lot of time to discuss things. She advised me to really take time after I returned home to just be still and listen. And I did take some time - but not nearly enough. A couple of days is not nearly what I needed after my visit, though it is hard in the world (especially when you live with others) to really retreat from daily life to sit and examine and listen. Perhaps it is only hard for me. I am able, at times, to really work with a contemplative spirit. But at other times, often the worst times, I cannot. I am much too distracted.

And perhaps that is my problem now. Perhaps I am just distracted. Perhaps I have lost sight of my focus point.

Whatever it is, I must look it in the face and overcome it. But what I need to be known is that my overcoming it isn't my moving into the convent necessarily. Certainly it could be and I would be more than thrilled (and humbled) if this were the case, but it is not wise to say that it is that just yet. Overcoming this could lead me to a wonderfully faithful Catholic man. I could be called to be a wife and mother - also a thrilling and humbling thought.

So you see, there is a lot to be prayed about.

Many years ago I felt as though others were thrusting me into the convent. Today I feel as though I may be pushing myself there. This is exactly the reason I decided to not be so worried about it. I've decided to take that step back and really just allow myself to take care of the here and now. I need to work on saving up money for my own place. I need to worry about the apostolate and my contributions there. I need to set aside time to be with our Lord - that He may show me the way to Himself through my own heart.

I have a lot of growing to do before I can know where the Lord calls me. Certainly the Lord could at any time reveal this to me, but unless He appears before me and tells me plainly, this is what needs to be done. And it is what I will do... happily. I know that all of these 'little' things I am doing to take care of myself and grow in faith will be looked upon kindly by our Lord if I do them in hopes of serving Him.

Right now this is where I am being called and these are the things I am being called to do.

I do not deny that something wonderful happened that day at Mass. I know that I was blessed in a very special way. But looking back, I wonder if I was not blessed by a softening of my heart. Perhaps the Lord granted me in that moment the grace to be open to anything He called me to. Perhaps I saw clearly for the first time that my wishes did not matter and that as long as I was pretending to serve Him while serving myself, I was doing nothing but harm.

I followed without regret. I continue to follow without regret.

So for now, nothing is certain. I am simply a humble servant in my own ways outside of marriage or religious life. I serve in my workplace, in the apostolate, and in my family. I serve in my parish and in all other places that the Lord calls me. And I do this happily, knowing that right now, this is where the Lord would have me.

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I just wanted to share it with y'all. I feel so supported in prayer here and I want to keep y'all right there with me since you offer me up so much. I hope you know the favor is being returned to the greatest degree possible on my end at the present moment.

[AccountDeleted]

I understand so much of what you are going through. Today I was sitting in the sun outside chatting with a friend of mine and she suddenly said, "You won't be happy in the nunnery you know!" All I could do was tell her some of the things that would make me happy there, but I also know that she is right too. I love my horses so much and just being with nature, and letting each day show me where I need to be. I love the idea of the Divine Office and adoration and being in a community of people who all want to dedicate their lives to God and to strive for perfection. But whether this means I have a vocation to the religious life or not, well I am like you - I can't say for 100% sure.

I have wanted to be a nun my whole life but there has just never been the "right time or place" for me. I have raised two adopted children and I am getting on in years now. It is a "now or never" type of thing for me. But is it what God wants for me? Will I be unable to settle into the religious life at my age? I just don't know.

There are many ways to serve God, I know. I am hoping that my new spiritual director will be able to offer me insights into myself to make my decision clearer.

I will pray for you, please pray for me as well, that I discern what it is that God wants me to do with the rest of my life.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='nunsense' post='1182618' date='Feb 1 2007, 09:03 PM']
I will pray for you, please pray for me as well, that I discern what it is that God wants me to do with the rest of my life.
[/quote]
Thank you for your prayers for me and be assured of mine for you, dear sister in Christ.

[the_rev]

The whole application process for myserlf with the diocese has been a journey of uncertainity as it still continues that way. Never once since October when I first began filling out paper work for my diocese have I been able to say with certaintiy that I was thrilled about going to the seminary.

I almost feel obligated to go to the seminary. Since I returned from Europe and the desire was noticeable and I told people I was thinking about it, I feel that this very reason is propelling into seminary. On Monday my spiritual director gave a talk at a local parish in the area and I was is assistant as he opened with adoration, I was the server. Afterwards he introduced me as a person who would be studying for the preisthood in college, even though the diocese has yet to accept me. I almost feel obligated to enter becasue these people are praying for me and I ask myself, what would they think if I didn't go.

I also realize that going to the college seminary is going to limit the college experience. But maybe that's a good thing.

I think about my sinfullness and how with the sins I have committed how could I person like me even walk in the door of a seminary.

I ask myself "Is my vision for the church shared by all" and the definite answer is no. There is not one week that goes by that i read in a secular newspaper or the diocesean paper, Catholics from my own diocese who don't agree with the Church teaching.

I ask myself if what I believe the priesthood is all about changes, would I stay a priest.

I ask myself if I will hate the seminary or love it. We had one seminarian go and he left the seminary after ten days. I have another friend from another diocese who says that he wants out ASAP.

I ask myself if I am capable at such a young age to enter the seminary.

I struggle with the decision to move foreward. There are times that I pray the diocese doesn't accept me, and there are times when I ask myself what I would do if they didn't.

I totally understand you journey in discernment and how confusing it is. I am with you all the way. Everything entails uncertainty. Keep doing what your doing and God will provide. I rely totally now on God's providence, if it's HIS will for me to be in seminary, then I'll be accepted. If it's not, I move on with my life.

Let's pray for each other.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='the_rev' post='1182683' date='Feb 1 2007, 09:39 PM']
I ask myself, what would they think if I didn't go.[/quote]
I asked this for a while too. But in the end, it doesn't matter. That's part of why I made this post. I need for people to understand what it means to discern at this level. I need them to know that I haven't sealed any deals yet.. that I'm still just looking around, trying to figure out what it is I am called to. When I know the big plan, I can then work out the little details.

You definitely have my prayers.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='the_rev' post='1182683' date='Feb 1 2007, 07:39 PM']

I totally understand you journey in discernment and how confusing it is. I am with you all the way. Everything entails uncertainty. Keep doing what your doing and God will provide. I rely totally now on God's providence, if it's HIS will for me to be in seminary, then I'll be accepted. If it's not, I move on with my life.

Let's pray for each other.
[/quote]

You are so right, let's all pray for each other.

Rev, we need priests so much - I really do hope you perservere, but of course it is up to God. I told my family about becoming a nun because I wanted to commit myself, but now I also feel embarrassed that maybe I don't have a vocation. Trying to follow God isn't easy, especially since the devil doesn't want us to do it. finding the right path is hard enough without worrying about whether it is a lack of vocation to the religious life, or the work of the devil stopping us!

All we can do really is pray, pray, pray and ask for help......

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='nunsense' post='1182714' date='Feb 1 2007, 09:55 PM']
I told my family about becoming a nun because I wanted to commit myself, but now I also feel embarrassed that maybe I don't have a vocation.[/quote]
This is also something I was concerned with. What happens if/when I need to tell everyone that I won't be entering religious life?

But again, it doesn't matter. What we do when we decide to discern religious life is really open ourselves up to the Lord and truly allow ourselves to understand whether or not this is what He wants from us. To discern the religious life is not to take it on. Certainly you go into discernment with a willing spirit but also a spirit that wants what God wills.

I think it is important to share this journey with those you love (be it one person or many). It is important to have support during this time, as it is a huge task and can be draining. I am truly thankful for each person that has prayed for me thus far and I ask God every day to bless them. And, in my heart of hearts, I know that people will understand if I tell them one day that I have decided to pursue a relationship with a man. I know they will be accepting because I know they will know (as will I) that I have given my heart and my life completely to the Lord and I am only seeking to fulfill His will for my life.

[cmaD2006]

(I've got to be honest and say that I haven't had a large amount of time to read this whole thread ... its really thought provoking, but I wanted to add my thoughts).

I've been Catholic (or more correctly stated, in full communion with the Church) for almost 12 years, and going to church for 13.

I started discerning one month after entering full communion, so for most of those 12 years I've been discerning.

Why so long -- I honestly think now that it is because God needed to transform me so that when He would lead me to where I'm hoping to enter, that I wouldn't say no.

A few years ago I came to the conclusion that yes, indeed there is a certain "discernment" that is for life for those of us who decide to follow Jesus as Lord and Savior, and center of our lives. The discernment is in following His will in all aspects of our lives, regardless of our state in life (i.e. religious in vows, consecrated lay person, married, single, in holy orders, etc.).

Take for example Mother Teresa -- she was originally in a religious community, and I believe she was in vows. God lead her to leave her community, and to start something new. That something new is the Sisters of Charity (I think I got the order name right -- correct me if I got it wrong please).

I look at the road I've travelled since I've been trying to wholeheartedly follow His will, and I'm convinced that God's hand has been in it throughout. First while in Boston and I grew to know Him and started looking for where He wanted me. Then in Mexico where He opened an opportunity for service, and for me to yet grow and experience His graces in new ways. Then again in NJ, where He kept leading and preparing me for the community I entered. Followed by 9 months of religious life as an aspirant and a postulant, where I would at that time learn more about who I was. Then back to NJ -- where I really started to mature in the faith; the catalyst having been the time I spent in religious life.

It was that maturing in the faith, in confronting myself and allowing Jesus to transform those areas in my life that needed to be changed that prepared me; so that I'd allow myself to consider entering the community in Argentina (Discipulas de Jesus de San Juan Bautista).

Would I have loved to enter 12 years ago -- sure! But reality says that I wouldn't have lasted a day. I would have surely spoke my mind quite loudly and left.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the key is in allowing God to take over and lead your life. The vocation comes from that (I believe). When I left postulancy, I let Him lead and show me if He wanted me somewhere else or if He had another vocation in mind. In fact I remember begging -- Lord, if my desire is not from you then by all means take it away! But He didn't.

I now take into account what has been happening with my family. My first mistake was -- I didn't pray about my date for entrance and just suggested it from my "logical thinking" (I haven't posted the month due to work). Now I'm convinced that He has other plans, and has another date in mind. Do I know when? Nope. Do I care -- at a certain level, yep. But I realize that I need to pray to have Him reveal the when, and to focus more on the now, and my relationship with Him.

Do I miss the community from which I left postulancy -- of course. But right now I yearn to be with the Discipulas de Jesus. So in the meanwhile I continue my discernment, and continue to prepare my heart for the day when I can enter.

To all of you who are struggling in discerning God's will -- trust that He is leading you now; wherever you are at. I'm sure that in the future you will see His hand in it. And the struggle serves to strengthen your relationship with Him and to increase your faith.

An aside -- I understand the "embarrasing" piece about discernment. There are a few people who I haven't spoken to since I left the 1st community because of embarassment. I shouldn't be -- but it can be quite uncomfortable (especially explaining the whys). However -- I refuse to keep my discernment quiet, because my wish is to hopefully help another person along in his or her road. I know that hearing about another person's journey helps me, so I try to do the same.

May God bless you and keep you!

-- Carmen

Edited February 2, 2007 by cmariadiaz

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='cmariadiaz' post='1182857' date='Feb 2 2007, 01:26 AM']
To all of you who are struggling in discerning God's will -- trust that He is leading you now; wherever you are at. I'm sure that in the future you will see His hand in it. And the struggle serves to strengthen your relationship with Him and to increase your faith.
[/quote]
YES! Exactly. It's been hard to see that... until now. Now.. I trust.

[Divine_Mercy504]

hugheyforlife,

I know exactly what you are going through as well. In fact, your story is so similar that your post could have easily been my own.

Right now I have so many choices to make. I am a senior in high school, so I have to decide to go to college, or to work, or to enter the religious life. Obviously these things do not have a deadline. I can always change. But, I just want to make sure that I am doing God's will and not my own. I have believed for the past 5 years that Jesus wanted me to enter right out of high school, and I found a wonderful community, and I was confident that that was where God was calling me. And then, like you, I started to think that maybe I was pushing myself to enter. Yes, there is a lot to pray about!

You are in my prayers! God Bless!
Rachel

[Jennifer]

Dear Hughey...... I am another discerner who is having the same problems as yourself at the moment..I am trying to sort my life out and am fortunate to be able to discuss my problems with my very understanding and wise elderly priest. He has told me to leave everything in God's hands.........I am sure that HE will guide me on my future path in good time. I will pray for you and all those other discerners who have doubts and ask you to pray for me.....We are very fortunate to be members of this wonderful phamily and able to share our experiences. God bless.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='Divine_Mercy504' post='1182988' date='Feb 2 2007, 09:54 AM']
You are in my prayers! God Bless!
[/quote]
Thank you. You are in mine. May the Lord bless you.

[quote name='Jennirom' post='1183006' date='Feb 2 2007, 10:21 AM']
We are very fortunate to be members of this wonderful phamily and able to share our experiences.[/quote]
Isn't that the truth. May the Lord bless you for your faithfulness. My prayers are surely with you, my dear sister in Christ.

[Piamaria]

Laura,

Thank you for your honesy and openness. Discernment is the hardest thing i've ever done. Noing tells me that it gets eaier in the postulancy. Staying open to His will. that's what i pray for.

[Guest phatdaddy]

Hughey,

I know absolutely nothing about what you are experiencing. But I wanted to encourage you, to tell you I will be praying for you, I wanted to show support for you, even though I don’t know how. For me I will pray that God gives you a vocation to religious life. I really think you will not say no to Him. What little I know about you, and only through your post, it seems to me there are positive signs that He is calling you to become a religious. I am so sorry it is so difficult, this discernment thing, but I have to think it is for a purpose, His purpose.

I wish I had words of comfort for you but I am empty. So let St. Bonaventure speak to you:

[i]“….Let my heart ever hunger after and feed upon You, on whom the angles wish to look, and may my inmost spirit be filled with Your delight. May it ever thirst after You, the fountain of life, the fountain of wisdom and knowledge, the fountain of eternal light, the torrent of pleasure, the richness of the house of God. May it ever aspire after You, seek You, find You, run to You, attain You, meditate on You , speak of You, and do all things to the praise and glory of Your name, with humility and discretion, with ease and affection, with love and satisfaction, and with perseverance unto the end.”

“May You alone ever be my hope, my entire assurance, my riches and delight, my pleasure and joy, my rest and tranquility, my sweetness and peace, my fragrance and savor, my food and refreshment, my refuge and help, my wisdom and possession, my portion and treasure, in whom may my mind and heart be fixed and firm and rooted immovably, for all eternity. Amen”[/i]

See how much we are to love Him with our senses. I notice in this prayer how much our dear Lord desires not only our will to love Him, He desires our emotional expression of love and affection which inclines us to seek Him as our treasure. And, I think, He does call us to follow His will by pursuing our own desires. This is the ordinary way He leads us. After all He has given us, our passions, our piety, our longings and our love. I pray that you fix your heart and mind on Him and answer His call. Follow your desires, step out on the water with your eyes fixed on Him. You approach Him and He reaches for you. But the first step is yours, He has already said to you, come.

Sorry if I am out of line. I just felt close, after all we are Phamily.
Mr. Ray

[franciscanheart]

i wish i knew what to say in response to that. all i have now is thank you.