Offering Words Of Comfort

[hyperdulia again]

whaat is this really about? i'm not good at reading betwixt da lines.

[BLAZEr]

Hmmm . . . there is always a choice I think. St. Francis de Sales says that it's horrible when people cuase spiritual murder . . . but its more horrible when people cause themselves spiritual suicide . .. he uses specifically the example of people who will allow the sins of others to allow themselves to turn away from Christ.

Either way, I don't think anyone would claim to be perfect in any response, but I guess most people just have to do what they know how. You can't expect much more than this. It seems to me like you're suggesting that people who respond have to use heroic virtue to avoid causing someone more pain. However you don't seem to suggest that those who are asking advice need to use Heroic virtue to be patient with those who are giving advice.

Advice is a two way street. If you just wnat someone to comfort and coddle you, then tell them that. But if they choose not to do it, then you have to be willing to accept that as well. Maybe the person constantly complaining is leading people away from Christ as well.

[BLAZEr]

whaat is this really about? i'm not good at reading betwixt da lines.

I'm not either. Is this about something?

[jasJis]

I hope it wasn't the e-mail I sent you Dave?? :blush:

[BLAZEr]

I hope it wasn't the e-mail I sent you Dave??

oh oh . . . the truth comes out!

[Dave]

Hmmm . . . there is always a choice I think. St. Francis de Sales says that it's horrible when people cuase spiritual murder . . . but its more horrible when people cause themselves spiritual suicide . .. he uses specifically the example of people who will allow the sins of others to allow themselves to turn away from Christ.

It may be horrible, but it happens. That's just human nature, right or wrong.

However you don't seem to suggest that those who are asking advice need to use Heroic virtue to be patient with those who are giving advice.

This isn't about asking for advice per se. It's about someone just needing someone to talk to when feeling upset or sad or angry and not having to worry about being made to feel "less than" and receiving words of comfort (which aren't necessarily words of advice).

Advice is a two way street. If you just wnat someone to comfort and coddle you, then tell them that. But if they choose not to do it, then you have to be willing to accept that as well.

Again, you ignore the fact that one has to know when it's wise to give advice and when it's wise to comfort.

Maybe the person constantly complaining is leading people away from Christ as well.

I wasn't referring to someone who's constantly complaining. And yes, advice is a 2-way street. Maybe those who give advice would do well to also take correction themselves when necessary instead of rationalizing, if that scenario happens to apply to them.

[Dave]

I hope it wasn't the e-mail I sent you Dave??

No, jasJis, I can say for sure that it was NOT that.

[Dave]

whaat is this really about? i'm not good at reading betwixt da lines.

Just something that happened to be crossing my mind.

[jasJis]

Whew!

As somebody who has dealt with depression and stuff for years, I understand what you mean, Dave. Words such as "toughen up", "deal with it", "get over it", "offer it up", quite frankly... smell of elderberries.

Even "Dude, that smells of elderberries." is more helpful. It's hard to empathasize if you cannot see it from the other side. To me, that's one of the reasons God became man. We really know that God empathasizes and he knows what he's about when He say "Dude, that's rough. Can I help." He didn't tell Jesus to "smell of elderberries it up" when He stumbled with His Cross, He sent a fellow human to help. God knows our personal human capabilities are not enough.

[BLAZEr]

I feel like getting up on my soapbox and venting about something.

We all feel down at times. And at those times, often times all we want is someone to lend an ear and offer us some encouraging words.

Sometimes, however, certain individuals who mean well are anything but comforting. They may say things that come off as rather harsh. They may not say something as cruel as, "Get over it!" but they may instead say something else that may not exactly be cruel but still insensitive. For example, they may simply tell you to buck up. Or they may tell you to accept it as a cross. Or they may tell you to offer it up.

Now, I'm all for offering stuff up and accepting one's cross. We all need to do that. But there's a time and a place for being told to do that. And I'm NOT advocating having pity parties. However, reassuring words will do A LOT more good that kicking someone while they're down.

I'm saying this on Phatmass because at times in the past I've noticed certain people here have been guilty of the sort of thing I'm talking about. You know who you are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but to those who have been guilty of this, let me just say that acting cold and unfeeling in the name of God when somebody is upset won't inspire them to grow in holiness. If anything, it will make them feel ashamed for not being "holy enough" and create the opposite effect. Believe me; I know.

Thanks for allowing me to say my piece.

Ok, I am assuming from your post that your complaint refers to people on Phatmass and people online. The biggest difficulty here is that no one online can really know how you're feeling. One of the difficulties of this medium is that you can't tell tone, or infleciton, you can't see someones face or read their body language.

In a very real way, consolation cannot be sought on Phatmass like it can be in real life. In fact, Phatmass if amesome, but it cannot take the place of real life relationships. A computer can't hug us . . . and it can't really console us. And it geniuses us into thinking that our friendships are built on solid ground and not on shifting sand . . .

That's part of the reason I never get upset on Phatmass. It's great stress relief because I can have a little bit of detachment from the drama . . . since technically it's just typed words.

I do realize that we are all human beings, but we have to learn to be a little less affected by what goes on in here. We can't allow things to be taken too personally. We have to be willing to let more slide off of our back in here than we would in real life.

[BLAZEr]

Whew!

As somebody who has dealt with depression and stuff for years, I understand what you mean, Dave. Words such as "toughen up", "deal with it", "get over it", "offer it up", quite frankly... smell of elderberries.

Even "Dude, that smells of elderberries." is more helpful. It's hard to empathasize if you cannot see it from the other side. To me, that's one of the reasons God became man. We really know that God empathasizes and he knows what he's about when He say "Dude, that's rough. Can I help." He didn't tell Jesus to "smell of elderberries it up" when He stumbled with His Cross, He sent a fellow human to help. God knows our personal human capabilities are not enough.

That's amesome! And here is where we have to learn from the saints . . .

The only person who will never let us down is Christ. Everyone else will not be as compassionate as we want them to be. This is why St. Teresa said to a nun who was complaining about the way people were treating her "Don't tell me, tell the King."

I think you're right Jas. But I also think that as Christians we have to realize we need to turn to Jesus more than we turn to others. We need to let him be our consolation. We need to pray more.

The Prayer of St. Francis says is really well . . .

Lord Grant that I may seek, not so much to be consoled as to console.

[Dave]

Ok, I am assuming from your post that your complaint refers to people on Phatmass and people online. The biggest difficulty here is that no one online can really know how you're feeling. One of the difficulties of this medium is that you can't tell tone, or infleciton, you can't see someones face or read their body language.

In a very real way, consolation cannot be sought on Phatmass like it can be in real life. In fact, Phatmass if amesome, but it cannot take the place of real life relationships. A computer can't hug us . . . and it can't really console us. And it geniuses us into thinking that our friendships are built on solid ground and not on shifting sand . . .

That's part of the reason I never get upset on Phatmass. It's great stress relief because I can have a little bit of detachment from the drama . . . since technically it's just typed words.

I do realize that we are all human beings, but we have to learn to be a little less affected by what goes on in here. We can't allow things to be taken too personally. We have to be willing to let more slide off of our back in here than we would in real life.

I'm speaking in general, actually, but it just so happens that I've seen it from certain people on Phatmass.

[jasJis]

I think you're right Jas. But I also think that as Christians we have to realize we need to turn to Jesus more than we turn to others. We need to let him be our consolation. We need to pray more.

Dude. Where do you think Jesus lives here on Earth?

Us in Him, He in us.

Be Jesus to someone today.

If someone is turning to you, you are being asked to help Jesus. (Ya' know, 'the least of these....?)

[Dave]

Dude. Where do you think Jesus lives here on Earth?

Us in Him, He in us.

Be Jesus to someone today.

If someone is turning to you, you are being asked to help Jesus. (Ya' know, 'the least of these....?)

*gives jasJis a high five*

[BLAZEr]

dude, you are totally right . . .

But I'm referring to the person seeking consolation . . . seek him in the Eucharist, seek him in the Confessional, seek him in the Crucifix, seek him in prayer . . .

If you want healing, seek him and not men . . .