Offering Words Of Comfort

[Dave]

I feel like getting up on my soapbox and venting about something.

We all feel down at times. And at those times, often times all we want is someone to lend an ear and offer us some encouraging words.

Sometimes, however, certain individuals who mean well are anything but comforting. They may say things that come off as rather harsh. They may not say something as cruel as, "Get over it!" but they may instead say something else that may not exactly be cruel but still insensitive. For example, they may simply tell you to buck up. Or they may tell you to accept it as a cross. Or they may tell you to offer it up.

Now, I'm all for offering stuff up and accepting one's cross. We all need to do that. But there's a time and a place for being told to do that. And I'm NOT advocating having pity parties. However, reassuring words will do A LOT more good that kicking someone while they're down.

I'm saying this on Phatmass because at times in the past I've noticed certain people here have been guilty of the sort of thing I'm talking about. You know who you are.

I can't speak for anyone else, but to those who have been guilty of this, let me just say that acting cold and unfeeling in the name of God when somebody is upset won't inspire them to grow in holiness. If anything, it will make them feel ashamed for not being "holy enough" and create the opposite effect. Believe me; I know.

Thanks for allowing me to say my piece.

Edited January 14, 2004 by Dave

[geetarplayer]

Person A = the advice giver

Person B = the sad person

I think the best that A can do is listen. They should find out what's wrong, why, and how B would change it. A should try not to interrupt. Then, after B has vented and maybe feels a little better about it, A can say something about B's cross to bear. Saying it right of the bat makes it seem insincere and too easy of an answer, though.

-Mark

Edited January 14, 2004 by geetarplayer

[Dave]

I feel like this should be bumped up.

[Norseman82]

Good points, one of the reasons I've lost enthusiasm for some of my Catholic and non-Catholic Christian friends and activities.

I recall that Jesus had help carrying His cross. I'm just wondering if the cold-hearted people would mock Jesus as a weakling as well.

My rule of thumb is this: unless I've carried at least as heavy a cross under at least as difficult conditions, and unless it is a life-or-death situation (like abortion), I shut my piehole or tread very carefully.

[IXpenguin21]

i think that many times, our petty humanity over crowds our likeness of Christ and our ability to show His compassion. if 1 out of every 10 people could be more actively compassionate towards those who are down and out instead of offering them words to help them get by, just think of how that might catch on.

mother teresa thought it was a good idea and now dying children have an order of religious women showing them compassion instead of telling them the blaitently obvious, that they have a cross to bear.

we need more people to be a "captian compassion" and less to be a"captian obvious"

[cmotherofpirl]

Sometimes there are no words of comfort that can be spoken. Sometimes you cannot soften a blow. Sometimes the truth hurts. Only after there is truth and tears and hugs, can there be forgiveness. You cannot heal what you cannot acknowledge. And forgiving others is always easier than forgiving yourself.

[Dave]

Sometimes there are no words of comfort that can be spoken. Sometimes you cannot soften a blow. Sometimes the truth hurts. Only after there is truth and tears and hugs, can there be forgiveness. You cannot heal what you cannot acknowledge. And forgiving others is always easier than forgiving yourself.

I'm sorry, cmom, but I don't understand what you're getting at here. The whole point of my post wasn't about forgiveness; it was about being comforting when someone is going through tough times.

[Ash Wednesday]

I agree with what has been said. However (and I mean this respectfully, so please don't take offense) I don't think a sweeping statement of "you know who you are" and "certain individuals" when it comes to addressing these matters to be particularly helpful in a community setting like this. Some people probably don't know any better, and don't see their advice as being inappropriate. They will continue to give out such advice, unless someone directly calls them on it. If they can dish it out, they should be able to take it.

Giving advice and consolation is an art form sometimes -- what is given greatly varies according to the person and the situation. :sweat:

[cmotherofpirl]

Sometimes things are so bad, there are no WORDS that can help. Being with that person helps, hugging that person helps, silence helps.

[BLAZEr]

Honestly, love is like medicine . . . sometimes it's a warm bath, hot towels on the forehead, chicken soup and attention all day . . . other times it's amputation . . .

You have to be willing to take both if you're gonna grow. I'm probably not the best person for this thread, since I'm not a coddler . . . I'm pretty blunt. That's who I am. In fact, maybe that's my illness . . .

[Dave]

Honestly, love is like medicine . . . sometimes it's a warm bath, hot towels on the forehead, chicken soup and attention all day . . . other times it's amputation . . .

You have to be willing to take both if you're gonna grow. I'm probably not the best person for this thread, since I'm not a coddler . . . I'm pretty blunt. That's who I am. In fact, maybe that's my illness . . .

You forget you have to know WHEN to use the correct remedy. You say you're pretty blunt. But the question is, SHOULD you be that way? You say it's who you are. In other words, you're blaming it on your character. Well, I'm not going to say if it's a fault or not. But suppose it's a fault. If so, then it's not based on your character but on your LACK of character.

[Guest lundercovera]

accepting it as a cross and offering it up are two very comforting words of advice in my opinion.

[BLAZEr]

Honesty is a virtue. Honesty in Love is called Truthfulness.

Knowing when to be honest is called Prudence. That is the queen of all the Virtues, and in fact one of the four Cardinal Virtues: Prudence, Temperance, Justice, and Fortitude.

Sometimes it takes Fortitude to tell someone the Truth. It takes temperance to tell somone the truth at the right time.

I can't see how being honest would be a character flaw.

However, you must remember that one's ability to KNOW when someone should just be supportive of them is clouded by their woundedness.

I recommend this book: http://www.christianity-books.com/St_Franc...1569553459.html

[Dave]

Honesty is a virtue. Honesty in Love is called Truthfulness.

Knowing when to be honest is called Prudence. That is the queen of all the Virtues, and in fact one of the four Cardinal Virtues: Prudence, Temperance, Justice, and Fortitude.

Sometimes it takes Fortitude to tell someone the Truth. It takes temperance to tell somone the truth at the right time.

I can't see how being honest would be a character flaw.

However, you must remember that one's ability to KNOW when someone should just be supportive of them is clouded by their woundedness.

I recommend this book: http://www.christianity-books.com/St_Franc...1569553459.html

You just said we have to know WHEN to be honest. I never said honesty is a character flaw.

However, you must remember that one's ability to KNOW when someone should just be supportive of them is clouded by their woundedness.

Sometimes that's true, sometimes that's false. At any rate, an indiscriminatorily blunt approach like the kind you apparently advocate could turn people away from Christ or make them feel ashamed for not being "holy enough" rather than cause them to grow in holiness.

[Dave]

accepting it as a cross and offering it up are two very comforting words of advice in my opinion.

It's all in the WAY they're said.