fearundercontrol Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Okay so I've fallen back into anorexia again. But the only person I've told is my spiritual director and a friend who lives in Boston. I can't get myself to tell my counselor. Absolutely not my parents (all hell would break loose if I did, and I'm having enough problems with my dad as it is). Maybe I will tell my NP--who I really, really trust--when I see her at the end of the month. But I cannot get myself to tell anyone else. This is so twisted. I know I shouldn't be doing this and that it's wrong and all that, but I want this too bad. I wish I could be rid of this for once. I can't see myself ever being free of it though. I've struggled with it for so long, and I just keep going back to it, I don't see how I can ever break free of it once and for all. And on top of this I am struggling like CRAZY with not going back to cutting myself. It's been a little over year and ten months since the last time I cut, and I really want to make it to two years, but it is getting overwhelmingly hard, and I am scared that I'm not going to be able to make it. I feel as though I might snap at any moment. I don't really know why I am posting this. Maybe to ask for prayers, maybe for encouragement, maybe advice. I don't know. But yeah, please do pray for me. I think I need it. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeavenlyCalling Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Oh honey, I feel your pain, I really do, as I have had family memebers with eating disorders. It's good that you told someone, your spiritual director, did they give you any advise? Know that we are all praying for you, Your sister in Christ, HeavenlyCalling (aka Lily) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fearundercontrol Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Well he told me to tell my counselor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I'm praying for you. I wish I had advice to offer, but I just don't know what to say... but many prayers for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosh Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 no advice. never been in such a situation. but I'll pray like crazy for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iKonstantin Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 [mod]We don't advise people how to harm themselves here. -Raphael[/mod] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KizlarAgha Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 You could always look into psychotropic drugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fearundercontrol Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 [quote name='iKonstantin' post='1109408' date='Nov 2 2006, 11:58 PM'] You are asking for encouragement, no way in hell will i encourage you to go anorexic. Stay away. [/quote] No, I meant encouragement in the other direction. [quote name='KizlarAgha' post='1109412' date='Nov 2 2006, 11:59 PM'] You could always look into psychotropic drugs. [/quote] I take Lexapro. It is helping to some degree (things were even worse before)...but obviously it's not helping enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iKonstantin Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 What compels you to damage yourself? bpat konstantin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KizlarAgha Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Sometimes when you've been on an anti-depressant for awhile, it stops working for whatever reason. I went off of zoloft for a few months, and when I went back on, it started giving me massive migraine headaches every time I took it. So, I wasn't able to use that one anymore. The medical term is "prozac mushy mud pie-out" : Anyway, I would recommend seeing your psychiatrist about it and see if a change in medication does you any good. Beyond that, it's just going to take a whole lot of mental fortitude from you. It's really hard to be dealing with a problem, especially a mental/emotional problem, and to know that you can't talk to your parents about it. I think reaching out on the forums will help, but ultimately it's just going to be a tough road. Lemme know if you need anything - my AIM SN is spathariossa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritas Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 + Fearundercontrol, You need to tell some people you trust! You need to get help RIGHT AWAY! The sooner you start the process of getting better, the sooner you WILL be better! God CAN heal you of this totally and completely. Don't ever doubt his power! Do you have a counselor or a "crisis" contact you can call right now? Do something non-destructive that you enjoy! Take a hot-bath, sing along to your favorite song and dance, watch your favorite funny movie, call someone you love! Instead of thinking about "I can't do this; don't do this" refocus your attention on fun and good things! And yes, pray, pray to Mary and St. Joseph and Jesus -HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH! And reach-out for help! God often loves us through those he puts in our lives! This will get better, easier, and you will be okay! St. Faustina ~Pray for Fearundercontrol! Our Lady of Perpetual Help ~Pray for Fearundercontrol! All you saints on heaven and earth ~Pray for her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fearundercontrol Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 [quote name='iKonstantin' post='1109416' date='Nov 3 2006, 12:03 AM'] What compels you to damage yourself? bpat konstantin [/quote] I don't know. Sometimes it's stress. Sometimes it's the negative thoughts I have towards myself and the feelings of inadequacy and failure. Sometimes in the need for control. It varies. [quote name='KizlarAgha' post='1109417' date='Nov 3 2006, 12:04 AM'] Sometimes when you've been on an anti-depressant for awhile, it stops working for whatever reason. I went off of zoloft for a few months, and when I went back on, it started giving me massive migraine headaches every time I took it. So, I wasn't able to use that one anymore. The medical term is "prozac mushy mud pie-out" : Anyway, I would recommend seeing your psychiatrist about it and see if a change in medication does you any good. Beyond that, it's just going to take a whole lot of mental fortitude from you. It's really hard to be dealing with a problem, especially a mental/emotional problem, and to know that you can't talk to your parents about it. I think reaching out on the forums will help, but ultimately it's just going to be a tough road. Lemme know if you need anything - my AIM SN is spathariossa [/quote] I haven't been on Lexapro for a really long time. I think I started it in late June or early July. (Although I've been on anti-depressants for six years.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KizlarAgha Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Has the intensity of the negative feelings increased lately? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fearundercontrol Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 (edited) Not the intensity, but perhaps the frequency. I'm not sure. Edited November 3, 2006 by fearundercontrol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KizlarAgha Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Sometimes, when I was feeling very self-destructive, I would beat the soles of my feet. It really hurts a lot, and is good release of that sort of negative energy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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