rkwright Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 So I'm currently in the process of discerning seminary for next year. I'm meeting with a spiritual director every few weeks, and trying to grow in my prayer life just to see where God is taking me. My spiritual advisor advised that dating during this time would be counter-productive, and I do agree with him, at least in theory. But now someone has entered into my life that I may want to date, and I'm really torn on this. I think this question is more than just about what is going on right now in my life. Say I do become a priest, what would I do if felt an attraction to someone? Obviously those feelings just don't go away when you become a Priest, as that attraction is the natural order of things. Also I've made my goal, at least mentally, to become a Saint. Not for the fame or anything, but because that is what I think we truly should be called to be in our faith lives. This total giving of oneself to God seems to imply the religious life, yet I still feel these pullings towards dating and marriage! Help help... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmaD2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 (edited) You can definitely still become a saint and be married .... they are not mutually exclusive of each other. The question is more like ... which is the path which will lead you to be the saint that you are called to be? Is it in the priesthood, or as a husband? I posted my own experience on another thread (if I find it I'll put a link here) ... but when I first started discerning my call to religious life, I decided to make a commitment to not date/get into a relationship until I knew what I was called to ... well a test of that commitment came only days afterwards (why couldn't the guy show up BEFOREHAND ; but hey ... God knew I wouldn't have given Him a chance to draw me to Himself and convince me to attempt religious life ). I stood firm to what I had already committed to ... and have not regretted it since. It confirmed my vocation at least to not marry, and hopefully to religious life. I would make another appointment with your spiritual director. I do agree with what he had already discussed with you (to hold off dating) ... but if you feel a too-strong-of-a-tug then that's definitely something to discuss. However if you had made a commitment to not date until you knew which way God is calling you, then I'd say its more of a test of your commitment. Do attractions go away ... of course not, we're human who feel and are attracted to others! But (at least in my experience) the attraction to God is stronger. And it does get easier over time. I do have to admit, however, that I have praised and thanked God for the beauty that I have seen in someone that I've been strongly attracted to. : Then I pray and become more attracted to Jesus. I hope this helps ... hang in there until at least you can have another meeting with your director. That should help you lots. -- Carmen Edited October 10, 2006 by cmariadiaz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PadrePioOfPietrelcino Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I am in a very similar situation. One of my Priest told me when I posed this question... "Go ahead and date, what is the worst thing that happens? You find a nice young women fall in love, and find out you have a vocation to marriage, or if it doesn't work out then maybe your call to the seminary and/or the priesthood will get stronger. Just temember you still must remain chaste." I think this is good advise for us all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathoholic_anonymous Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 [quote] "Go ahead and date, what is the worst thing that happens? You find a nice young women fall in love, and find out you have a vocation to marriage, or if it doesn't work out then maybe your call to the seminary and/or the priesthood will get stronger.[/quote] I'm uncertain about this advice. What happens if you decide that you are genuinely called to the priesthood, but 'the nice young woman' has in the meantime fallen deeply in love with you? Breaking up would really hurt her and spoil the joy of your entrance into seminary. This kind of experimentation doesn't work when there are human beings with feelings in the equation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemma Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 [quote name='Cathoholic Anonymous' post='1088074' date='Oct 10 2006, 08:21 AM'] I'm uncertain about this advice. What happens if you decide that you are genuinely called to the priesthood, but 'the nice young woman' has in the meantime fallen deeply in love with you? Breaking up would really hurt her and spoil the joy of your entrance into seminary. This kind of experimentation doesn't work when there are human beings with feelings in the equation. [/quote] And if she's really in love, she'll want the best for the guy, and vice versa, only guys are a bit more egotistical about it (not trying to offend anyone). She'll cry and think the greatest thing that ever happened to her has left her life--there's a whole gammut of emotions that one goes through. Her grief and her reaction are hers--there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't think I need to say it, but beware of hormones. Resignation to God's will in both hearts is what's needed. If you're truly meant to be together, nothing will get in the way. The path will be illuminated for you both. Sometimes there's a child-like dependency on the other party, sometimes not. "Peas in a pod" is truth. You can't separate from each other without separation anxiety and resulting emotions. I keep saying, if you're meant to be married, and the right one comes along YOU WILL KNOW IT. Novitiates and seminaries you can leave, but marriage--we really can't, unless there are impediments to the union. Hubby and I are approaching our 16th anniversary this Friday. Please pray for us. Blessings, Gemma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritas Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 [quote name='cmariadiaz' post='1088051' date='Oct 10 2006, 12:36 AM'] You can definitely still become a saint and be married .... they are not mutually exclusive of each other. The question is more like ... which is the path which will lead you to be the saint that you are called to be? Is it in the priesthood, or as a husband? I posted my own experience on another thread (if I find it I'll put a link here) ... but when I first started discerning my call to religious life, I decided to make a commitment to not date/get into a relationship until I knew what I was called to ... well a test of that commitment came only days afterwards (why couldn't the guy show up BEFOREHAND ; but hey ... God knew I wouldn't have given Him a chance to draw me to Himself and convince me to attempt religious life ). I stood firm to what I had already committed to ... and have not regretted it since. It confirmed my vocation at least to not marry, and hopefully to religious life. I would make another appointment with your spiritual director. I do agree with what he had already discussed with you (to hold off dating) ... but if you feel a too-strong-of-a-tug then that's definitely something to discuss. However if you had made a commitment to not date until you knew which way God is calling you, then I'd say its more of a test of your commitment. Do attractions go away ... of course not, we're human who feel and are attracted to others! But (at least in my experience) the attraction to God is stronger. And it does get easier over time. I do have to admit, however, that I have praised and thanked God for the beauty that I have seen in someone that I've been strongly attracted to. : Then I pray and become more attracted to Jesus. I hope this helps ... hang in there until at least you can have another meeting with your director. That should help you lots. -- Carmen [/quote] + This is sound advice, which I must heartily second. If you've made a committment or even thought about it, this sounds like a test for you! Give God your full attention for a little while. There will always be time to date, but to discern and date at the same time is not fair or honest to our Lord or any woman. Blessings! p.s. I made the decision to stop dating 7 years ago, at the age of 19, so that I could focus more on the Lord. My appreciation for men has grown so much! Now, I don't just view them as potential spouses or think how good they would be for me, but I appreciate their holiness of lives and want to encourage their relationship with the Lord and His will! In the end, it does get MUCH easier... God transforms our thoughts and even our desires when we give all to Him to make us Holy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkwright Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Thanks for all of your posts. I wrote that last night, and it was great to wake up to a new day (even though its thunderstorming outside) and reading these comments. Please pray for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatbox829 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 HEY This is a really intresting tread i think it's something everyone discerning religious life will have to deal with but this weekend was vocations weekend at my church and our vocations director had a good point that he had been sure that he would get married and now he is a priest just don't tell God no and keep your commitment to Him if you promised Him or yourself not to date right now don't pray about it He can help and talk to your spiritual director Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kentigern Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 (edited) I agree with all those who suggest that you should talk to your Spiritual Director. He will know you best, and will give you good advice I am sure. Having been through a similar experience myself I will share my insights. I found myself very much attracted to a girl, and at first tried to ignore my feelings for her. However in the end we both discovered that we had feelings for each other and started dating. I talked to my Spiritual Director about it (I had been thinking about a vocation to the Religious Life), and he thought that it was good that I was in a relationship. Being in such a relationship wil make you a better Priest if that is your calling, as you will be better able to empthasise with the people you relate to. Another Priest whom I talk to about vocation also thought that it was a good thing that I had entered this relationship. Sometimes we have a tendancy to try and mould our vocations on our own terms i.e. there is a tendancy to see a role model and grow towards being that role model in the future, instead of growing to be yourself in the present. This Priest thought that confusion was good, becuase it stops us moulding our vocation on our own terms and insteade allows God to mould our vocation on His terms. I think you should be honest with this girl, and talk to her about your feelings for her and your feelings for the Priesthood. if you have a strong friendship with her it should stand this conversation. if you do not then I would question whether dating her is a good idea. Explain to her that you feel that you may be called to be a Priest. If you both decide to date share your Spiritual thoughts and musings with her. Also pray that you may keep your heart open to all attractions you experience, both to the Priesthood and to marriage. At some point you will have to make a decision about entering seminary, so pray that when that moment of decision arrives you may make the right choice. It may be that your relationship with this girl will fizzle out of it's own accord. It may be that it doesn't, and that there will be a change in your relationship with this girl. Remember that there are many ways of having a friendship of the opposite sex, and remember that as a Priest it will be important to have a close friendship with people of both sexes as it is a lonely vocation. It may well be that your vocation is to marriage. I don't think you can be sure unless you date this girl, but I may be wrong. Whatever you do do not engage in amputation and cut this girl from your life. That would be wrong. If you are honest and open minded and pray about your vocation, when the time of decision comes you will know which way your heart is inclined, and you will be given the strength to do what you need to do. In my case the girl I court wants to be a Nun, while I very much feel a call to marriage if anything. Things are not working well at the moemnt as the person in question feels unable to be open minded about her vocation, and it is casuing me a great deal of pain. You must be aware that this relationship may cause pain to you and to the other, however this pain can be very much offset by openess, transparency and honesty. Talk to this girl, and be totally open and frank about both your attraction for her and your attraction for the Priesthood. I hope that you find the right path. And remember, all your actions must be motivated by love and not by fear. I also second what is said above about chastity. If you date this girl you will learn a lot about her, and about yourself to. The girl will also learn about you and herself more. Loving does that. Getting to know oneself better is important in vocational discernment. In the course of my relationship I have learnt a lot about myself. One other thing to think about - it is important that you have peace of mind. If you don't have an open and honest conversation with this girl, will you regret it in the future? I very much believe that honesty is the best policy. Talk to this girl honestly, and if you both feel after this that you want to date, then I wouldn't be afraid of doing so, but make sure you both know the risks and are honest with each other! Above all, speak to your Spiritual Director. I hope all of what I said is good advice, but in the long term it may not be easy advice. Do take it with a ;pinch of salt as I am no expert, and talk to your Spiritual Director! Edited October 11, 2006 by kentigern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kentigern Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 (edited) Having re-read your post, I now see that your Spiritual Director is aginst you dating at the moment. My thoughts still stand, but are very much based on the thoughts of two Priests I talked to about it. Their advice may not be appropriate in your situation. I don't know. Pray, be open and honest! And if you don't yet have a strong friendship with this girl, I do question whether you should date at the moment. God bless, Gordon Edited October 11, 2006 by kentigern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daveybe Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 For me, dating was an important discernment experience. I had just gotten my first hint that Jesus might want me to serve Him as a priest, and immediately after, He sent a wonderful woman into my life. Mixed signals! Or perhaps a divine invitation to take a realistic look at both vocations? I talked to a priest, and he gave me a couple of tips on what to do: 1) it depends how certain your calling is. Are you in the early stages of discernment, or do you feel a strong pull toward a specific vocation? 2) [b]Be honest with her[/b]. Let her know that you are feeling a possible call to the priesthood. That may settle the issue right there, as she may want nothing to do with you after that. Or, it may lead to a relationship which is very honest and helpful in discerning God's will for both of you. •Your spiritual director is ultimately your best guide, assuming that you've met with him enough times for him to know some of your spiritual patterns. •If you've never dated before, then perhaps you need to have that experience before your discernment is complete. But i do know some seminarians who have never dated, and they are content. •Since you mention that you are considering entering seminary next year, i assume that you're in an advanced stage of discernment. Have you begun the application process? If so, that's a pretty strong committment to priestly formation, and it may be time to begin practicing celibacy. Just some questions to ponder. Christ will lead you to the answers. Blessings & Prayers, D.Be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkwright Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 thanks for the great responses... I'm meeting with Fr. on friday (previously scheduleded) and we'll talk there. Either way seminary next fall might be too soon for all of this... I haven't been seriously discerning for a really long time, but it just seemed like deadlines were coming up... I'll post my responses come friday.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PadrePioOfPietrelcino Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 [quote name='Cathoholic Anonymous' post='1088074' date='Oct 10 2006, 07:21 AM'] I'm uncertain about this advice. What happens if you decide that you are genuinely called to the priesthood, but 'the nice young woman' has in the meantime fallen deeply in love with you? Breaking up would really hurt her and spoil the joy of your entrance into seminary. This kind of experimentation doesn't work when there are human beings with feelings in the equation. [/quote] I think honesty is the best path in situations such as these. I am not saying to lead someone on and pretend you arn't interested in the seminary, religious life, consecrated celebate... I support the idea (depending on individual circumstances) that dating while discerning is ok. I know several seminarians and priests who were sent to seminary by girlfriends who were able to see that seminary is where they belonged. When life goals are brought up be honest about feeling drawn to seminary, but confused whether or not marriage is the way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkwright Posted October 12, 2006 Author Share Posted October 12, 2006 I thought I'd post a bit more specifics on what is going on... As for seminary, I have thought about it for a long while, but only recently started seriously discerning it (as of maybe this summer...) and meeting with a spiritual director since maybe August. I do feel a desire and an interest in the priesthood, but sometimes I wonder if thats me mixing up God's call to holiness and an actual vocational call. I was good with the no dating thing for a while now, and I actually had some people that probably wanted to date but I just kinda avioded it. But now I have met a great girl who I [i]may[/i] want to date. The friendship with the girl is relatively new, and this attraction might not be anything more than just the excitment of a new friend. However if it is something more than that, I don't want to kill off any possibility of dating from the start by saying 'oh btw I'm discerning the seminary'. I'd rather let time and things sort themselves out than throw in something that can highly leverage any relationship be it a friendship or dating. Basically I don't want to stop discerning priesthood because of one new person who walks into my life; that seems inapproiate. But I don't want to write off dating this girl just because I'm discerning. I could be way off on all this... this is uncharted terrority for me. I tell you what I really need though, is more time on all this. After reading some of these posts and reflecting on it I might be rushing through some of the discernment process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritas Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 + "My spiritual advisor advised that dating during this time would be counter-productive" - don't you think he knows more than us, about you, your situation, etc? I think you should follow the sd advice. Dating during discernment can be tempting, but to me, it's scandalous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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