A Different Kind of Parent Problem

[franciscanheart]

Here's the history: I asked my parents very firmly not to announce to people my decision to pursue a religious vocation. The first time (at age 12) I did not do this and it was broadcast to way more people than I was comfortable with. This time fewer people found out that I did not tell myself, however, it still did happen.

My mom was very good about 'keeping quiet' while my dad was a bit more free with his words. Even after asking him many times (in a very firm, charitable way), he refused to respect my wishes. He blew me off with comments like "It's not like you're a murderer and I'm telling people! This isn't a bad thing! I don't get what your problem is!" I had to remind him that this was my personal decision not to tell just yet and that I wasn't ashamed, just reserved. Anyway, people still found out.

A couple of weeks before the four month mark I started thinking about announcing it for a number of reasons, one being that I wouldn't have to worry about 'hiding' it any longer. On the day that I made the announcement (via my blog and phatmass), a good friend of the family caught word of it. She sent out emails linking people to my blog and posted the link on her blog as well. Since she has a good number of readers, many people found out very quickly (that and she posted it on a couple of church group boards). She was very excited for me.

The problem starts here: my parents have been questioned by different people on several occassions in the past two or three days. These were all people you wouldn't expect to know already. News travels fast!

My dad was the first one to mention something. He said the deacon had asked him to share and when they asked for specifics (not really even that specific: order, location, ministry) he couldn't tell them. He didn't know/remember. He wanted to know how the deacon knew and that's when I told him about our friend who had emailed some people. I laughed at how fast everyone knew.

Then my mom made a casual comment about an email she had gotten from Annie* telling her that I had made the announcement on my blog that morning. It made me uncomfortable. The way she said it was very unsettling. I tried not to think much of it and just went on with my night.

Tonight, though, while we were shopping my mom mentioned that my old youth minister's wife had asked her about it in front of the priest. She was embarassed because she wasn't able to tell them about it either. She didn't know the order or much about the ministry. All she knew was that I liked the "Franciscans in the Bronx". My priest kept asking questions and finally my mom, exasperated, told him she didn't know.



As the night progressed (in all of about an hour) she said more and more. She's making casual comments about how our family friend was 'telling everyone'. She said, "It's kinda funny how Annie* is telling everyone. You think I'd be the one telling people but I was told to keep my mouth shut." I was hurt. I had made the announcement. IIIII was the one who chose to tell people and to tell them in my own way. I wasn't planning on announcing it to my parish but to those who read my blog and to my phamily here. Annie* simply spread the word for me in her excitement.

I guess I feel like my parents are offended that she's telling people. More so my mom.

When my dad overheard me getting upset over all of this he came in. He said he had seen Annie* today and that she had said, "Congratulations!" He replied, "For what?" "Laura!" To which he then replied, "Oh. Yeah." -- and in case you didn't get that, that was in a very 'who cares' kind of way. My heart sunk again.

He went on to talk about how people expect them to be excited and it's old news to them. It's like, they've known for a while so it's not a big deal to them. It really made me sad. I want my parents to be happy for me.



I suppose in the end I never really expected anything different. They've not ever really wanted to listen to me when I talk about it. It's only now that they are embarassed when people ask and they don't know how to answer that they want to know more about it. When I said this to my dad he tried to say it wasn't true. He didn't take it too seriously. It was fine. I wasn't upset. He said he would try to listen more. (That was yesterday morning). My mom though didn't take it too well (tonight). She was very defensive. I got slightly impatient with her when she kept jumping the gun when I was trying to explain something to her that she'd asked me about. She kept saying the same thing before I could finish. It's a pet peeve. Anyway, she blamed my impatience on why they've never listened to me. I guess that makes me sad too because she's making lame excuses for it. Every time I was excited and wanted to tell someone I would go to them. I wanted to share this with them. Usually they just got frustrated listening to me or bored. They don't like it when I talk too much. I don't mean to. I was just excited.

I don't know.

I just don't know what to do. I made the decision to announce it on my blog. I'm not upset that Annie* directed everyone to my blog or that she passed on the good news. News travels quickly and I don't think that's anyone's fault. I really didn't think they'd take it this way. Even though my mom keeps saying she doesn't care, I can tell that she does. And I don't know what to do. She's not been very interested until now when everyone else is. And I don't know how to handle my parents with all of this. They aren't excited for me and probably won't be. I guess I never have and probably never will expect them to be.


I guess I don't know what I'm looking for here except maybe just to tell someone. I don't really have anyone to tell...

[AlterDominicus]

Welcome to my world. In which news spreads quickly, enemies are made, religious are excited, priests are questioning, deacons are happy, dad is dispised, mother is good about it, brothers are curious!! And friends are made very quickly, then somehow the mail-man comes to the door and ask, "Do you know your daughter is becoming a nun?"

All I can say is, tell your parents about the order, the community the apostolate, it will help them understand and make it a bit better, I hid mine because it was cloistered for a while, when I told my mom and she read the brochure, she said no, because I couldnt use my talents, in a way she helped me with that and my discernment, when I pointed out SMME in Ann Arbor, she freaked out and loved the community.

And pray, interest comes and goes for parents particularly if its talked about everyday. Your mother, may just be trying to face the fact of how hard its going to be if/when you enter.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='AlterDominicus' post='1050817' date='Aug 25 2006, 11:58 PM']
Welcome to my world. In which news spreads quickly, enemies are made, religious are excited, priests are questioning, deacons are happy, dad is dispised, mother is good about it, brothers are curious!! And friends are made very quickly, then somehow the mail-man comes to the door and ask, "Do you know your daughter is becoming a nun?"

All I can say is, tell your parents about the order, the community the apostolate, it will help them understand and make it a bit better, I hid mine because it was cloistered for a while, when I told my mom and she read the brochure, she said no, because I couldnt use my talents, in a way she helped me with that and my discernment, when I pointed out SMME in Ann Arbor, she freaked out and loved the community.

And pray, interest comes and goes for parents particularly if its talked about everyday. Your mother, may just be trying to face the fact of how hard its going to be if/when you enter.
[/quote]
First, let me thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

Second, let me clarify just one thing. We don't talk about it a whole lot. I try to mention it here and there but after I knew they really didn't want to hear about it, I stopped talking to them all the time about it. I thought it'd be better to just give it to them in small doses. My parents aren't all THAT religious. They aren't hardcore Catholics by any means - but on the other hand, they aren't necessarily lukewarm Catholics either. They try. Neither one of them was raised in the faith and until recently, neither one of them took it very seriously. (And on a semi-related note, I think my mom is a bit more serious or devout that my father.) They get very defensive with me on matters of faith and morals. They don't really like that I'm as convicted in things as I am. I think they think I judge them (especially when we disagree on something). It's hard being 'more zealous' (or perhaps zealous in a more outward fashion) than they.





But thanks again for the response. I'll try to put your advice to use.

[the_rev]

We are in the same situation I think.

My mother I think is eerie of the fact I'm applying to the seminary and stuff, but at the same time happy. What I really don't like is when she is talking about me to others and tells them I'm going to be a priest. Because, I'm going to the seminary to see if I'm called to be a priest, not because I know for sure.

Along with AlterDominicus, [quote]
enemies are made, religious are excited, priests are questioning, deacons are happy, dad is dispised, mother is good about it, brothers are curious!![/quote]

I personally have had people despise me because I am applying to the seminary, one person in general is a coworker of mine. For the most part Priests are supportive of priestly vocations, maybe their skeptical of religious vocations because we don't see that quite so often these days and especially as a young girl is interested in religious life. I've met some deacons that were called to be priests but became deacons because they hurried along in discernment and became married, so they are always happy to meet a person applying to the college seminary.

You will meet people supportive, non supportive, and such. Just persevere. Know all parents are like yours and such.

I know at the Cathedral people introduce me as the future seminarian of the parish. So from all areas people will now be talking about you....

Edited August 26, 2006 by the_rev

[AlterDominicus]

Sorry, I was kind of applying what I wrote from personal exp. I have a load of catholic friends, and very supportive people my family are all different religions. My eldest brother is Mormon, my other brother is Luthern, my mom is Protestant and my dad to include him is Mormon.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='the_rev' post='1050829' date='Aug 26 2006, 12:35 AM']
What I really don't like is when she is talking about me to others and tells them I'm going to be a priest. Because, I'm going to the seminary to see if I'm called to be a priest, not because I know for sure.
[/quote]
I understand that completely. It's something I have to remind everyone of, my parents included.

[AlterDominicus]

See since the "beginning" of all this vocation in my life, my mom and brothers tell stories of "Hey! Maybe thats why we called her sister..." and my mom is always fond of telling everyone the halo story. Its odd-family reactions.

[Gemma]

Huey--just write everything out on a slip of paper that your dad can put in his wallet, and your mom, her purse. That way, they have the information readily at hand, and some of their frustration will be abated. Then, go about your daily duty, after letting them know that you're open to questions asked in love.

And try to be the sweetest thing you can be. If you're going to be working with the poor, you're going to have to develop that anyway. Start with your parents, whose attitudes may actually resemble what you're going to be up against in the apostolate. Pray for patience and tact. The real meaning of the word 'patience' is 'attending to the moment.'

HTH.

Blessings,
Gemma

[OLAM Dad]

Laura, you need to give everybody, yourself included, some time to digest what exactly your decision to seriously discern a religious vocation really means. fwiw, it sounds to me like you have very active lines of communication open with your parents and that is a good thing. They, like you, are trying to figure out how to sort out their emotions about all this. Because of the close relationship you have with them, you guys are in this together more than you know. I've no doubt that you have lots of conflicting emotions raging inside of you right now; happiness, trepidation, excitement, saddness, pride, feelings of inadequacy, etc. Your parents have many of those same emotions too. They, like you, need time to sort through it all. In the mean time it's just going to be a bit of a bumpy ride.

Before you 'outed' yourself, we talked about this privately. Now that you've made your decision public things are different. You can no longer expect your parents to be so discrete. You've announced to the world your plans and now you still expect them to keep mum? That's not entirely fair.

Find the good in all this. Find ways that you can help others and to educate others. What you've decided to do is very unique, some might even consider it weird. Take this opportunity to:

1. Evangelize. When somebody expresses an interest in your discernment you can turn the conversation to Jesus and why you are considering giving your life over to Him in a most special and intimate way. After all, if you think you're the center of attention now just imagine what it would be like if you were wearing a habit on the streets of NYC.

2. Apologize (the 'defend' version of the word not the 'I'm sorry' version). So many people have misconceptions about what religious sisters are, many of them negative and/or stereotypical. Turn all the unwanted attention into a chance to educate.

3. Intercede. People will ask you to pray for them more now. Also, based upon some of the conversations you'll have now that you wouldn't have had in the past, you'll feel the need to pray for others more. For example, my experience going through this with Sr. Lauren and now with Kristina is that many that you thought of as solid Catholics will be clueless. They will be the least supportive and even somewhat hostile. On the other hand, you'll find that most, if not all, of your non Catholic acquaintances/friends will be fascinated and very interested in and supporting of your vocation. Go figure.

I'm pretty sure that most all young people discerning religious vocations go/went through these trials. Sr. Lauren went through this and we've already seen from others that they are having to deal with it too and I'm sure more will post their own experiences. This is all just part of the process and this is just one of the many crosses that you'll come across on your journey . Just pick it up and carry it with joy. Remember that thanks to Jesus we are not carrying our crosses to Golgotha. We get to carry ours to a Heavenly Banquet.

Edited August 26, 2006 by OLAM Dad

[franciscanheart]

Thanks for all of the responses. It was my first struggle after 'outing' myself. The hard part is not having a very solid and positive relationship with my parents. We try really hard but sometimes we just can't seem to make it work.

OLAM Dad, I didn't ask my mom to keep quiet after my announcement. In fact, I'm encouraging her to share the process with people when they are interested. The problem was that she was asked to stay quiet BEFORE the announcement and then the same day it was made, everyone knew... partly because Annie* spread the word via the internet in her excitement. I really didn't have a problem with it but I could tell my mom was disappointed that SHE didn't get to go tell everyone. In the end, this isn't a huge deal. Just a little something to put behind us.

I'm very happy to answer questions and discuss my possible vocation. It is very interesting to see how little people know about the process and it's so much fun to share that with them! (I love teaching people new things.)

One of the most outwardly supportive people so far actually isn't Catholic - as some of you suggested would happen. : He was one of the first people I told (after close friends I was with during the weekend and my confirmation sponsor) and he has been so supportive. He likes to find information for me and ask me how things are going.

Anyway, sorry for the little spew. I was feeling really down because I didn't want to take something away from my parents that might help them accept this more. I'm feeling much better now. I know that I will have trials along the way and I am ready to embrace them. It's definitely different having everyone know but I think after this next week, it'll be more comfortable for me. (I'll probably see most people at Mass or at the book club meeting on Monday... and then all the daily Mass folks. By the end of the week I'll probably have gone through most of the 'embarassing' congratulatory remarks.)


So big hugs for everyone! I appreciate all Vocation Station is.. keep it up, y'all!

[franciscanheart]

I just wanted y'all to know that my parents and I just talked about it in a very light-hearted manner and it seems all is well with the situation. They feel pressured to be jumping up and down in excitement when they are beyond that point now. When they were that excited, they had to keep it private. I expressed my appreciation for their efforts and assured them that it was, at times, hard for me too - but necessary. We are all in a good place with it now and it will just be a matter of time for us ALL to come to grips with the reality of the situation. Until things 'really start happening' (like visits to the convent), reality probably won't hit them as hard. And I know they'll be more excited upon my entrance, should it happen.


So... yeah.

[quote name='Gemma' post='1050899' date='Aug 26 2006, 07:49 AM']
just write everything out on a slip of paper that your dad can put in his wallet, and your mom, her purse. That way, they have the information readily at hand, and some of their frustration will be abated. Then, go about your daily duty, after letting them know that you're open to questions asked in love.[/quote]
They liked this idea a lot. Thanks! We joked about it a little bit (them throwing cards at people and running the other way) but I know it will really help. I'm making the index cards now.

We're also going to see about getting some more information cards from Sister Clare. She sent me one with my first 'application' and it has been really helpful.

[TheresaMF]

Awesome to hear that you figured something out with your parents! I love the card idea too. At one point I printed out some holy cards with a prayer and the monastery's web address on the back, to give out in a specific situation. I ended up sticking a whole stack of them in my purse, because they are so handy to pass out! It's awesome to be able to reach down there and pull out a beautiful card to give away. People are usually delighted to receive them as well--holy cards are just neat things.

God bless!

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='TheresaMF' post='1051039' date='Aug 26 2006, 03:16 PM']
Awesome to hear that you figured something out with your parents! I love the card idea too. At one point I printed out some holy cards with a prayer and the monastery's web address on the back, to give out in a specific situation. I ended up sticking a whole stack of them in my purse, because they are so handy to pass out! It's awesome to be able to reach down there and pull out a beautiful card to give away. People are usually delighted to receive them as well--holy cards are just neat things.

God bless!
[/quote]
Did you design them yourself? I thought about copying the one Sister Clare gave me but I didn't want to steal their work. Would it be okay to have some of my own printed up? I was also thinking about doing one with something like this:

"Heavenly Father, bless your Church with an abundance of holy and zealous priests, deacons, brothers and sisters. Give those you have called to the married state and those you have chosen to live as single persons in the world, the special graces that their lives require. Form us all in the likeness of your Son so that in Him, with Him, and through Him we may love you more deeply and serve you more faithfully, always and everywhere. With Mary, we ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen."

I would add the convent information to the bottom. What do you think? (BTW - The card that Sister Clare sent to me has the history of the order, their mission, and the convent information. I believe that was all but I can't be sure right now as I gave it to my mom to have for tonight when she sees my pastor.)

[chatbox829]

it seems like parents have a hard time letting go anyway i have a differant problem i haven't told my parents anything yet they keep talking about how im going to be a nun it really bugs me because i have problems with the possiblity and way just give it time ill pray for you

[Margaret]

HEy just hang in there It is a difficult road to be on and we all need suport from others like us.
Parents can be unpredictable in there responses for them just like for every one else it is a new and
''strange'' thing. I am glad things are going better for you.