sad and lost in life

[Sixtina87]

I AM VERY UPSET AND SAD TO SAY, AS I AM CRYING AS IF SOMEONE HAD DIED, I WILL NOT BE ENTERING THE SISTER SERVANTS OF THE ETERNAL WORD NEXT MONTH!!!!!


IT WAS NOT MY DECISION BUT THE SISTERS DECISION TO NOT ALLOW ME TO ENTER NEXT MONTH. SO I WILL NOT BE ENTERING WITH JENNY OR ELIZABETH WHOM I LOVE DEARLY AND I WISH THEM THE BEST OF LUCK IN THIER LIVES.

AS FOR ME, RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT, IT HURTS, REJECTION SERIOUSLY HURTS. YES IT IS A BIG LET DOWN AND HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT FOR ME AND THEN FOR MY PARENTS.

I HAVE BEEN CRYING SINCE LAST NIGHT WHEN I RECEIVED THE NEWS AND HAVE NOT REALLY STOPPED DOING SO SINCE. I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OF AN APPOTITE(SP?) AT ALL SINCE I RECEIVED THE NEWS, AND I HAVE BEEN TAKING MEDS FOR THE DRASTIC HEAD-ACHS I HAVE BEEN GETTING FROM CRYING SO MUCH. I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP MUCH AT ALL, I GOT ABOUT 4 HOURS LAST NIGHT.


AS MUCH AS I LOVE THE SISTER SERVANTS, I HAVE TO ABID BY THEIR REQUESTS EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE THEM! THEY ARE ASKING ME TO WAIT AWHILE, A FEW YRS, BUT I HOPE NO MORE THAN A YEAR, AND THEN RE-APPLY!

MY DAD BLAIMED ME ON THIS ONE AND SAID I SCREWED IT UP, I THINK HE IS RIGHT EVERYTIME I THINK IT OVER. IT HAS NEVER WORKED WITH ANY COMMUNITY I HAVE KNOWN AND I AM TO BLAIM FOR THE MISHAPS IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW GOD PUT EVERY ONE OF US HERE ON EARTH FOR A REASON, FOR ME, I DONT KNOW WHY I AM HERE, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T DIE WHEN I WAS BORN INSTEAD I WAS KEPT ALIVE. THE ANSWER FOR THE REASON, I CAN NOT FIND AND WHEN I FIND THE REASON, IT SEEMS TO DISAPPEAR!!!

[Lilllabettt]

Oh sweetie!

You are not a screw up. The very idea of that is silly. I can give you a thousand reasons you were born: one is to be my gal pal. You are a precious treasure, and don't you ever think differently. Otherwise, I will be forced to bop you over the head.

This hurts so much.
But God is allowing this.
What is the worst thing that ever happened in the whole world? The crucifixion of the Lord Jesus. That was the darkest day, and God allowed it. Why? So that He could save us! So that the light of His mercy would shine all the brighter.

Trust Jesus.

You [i]must[/i] try to eat. You [i]must[/i] try to get your rest. You need to take care of yourself. It's so hard to even begin healing your soul if your body is in pain.

Call me, dear. It doesn't matter what time of night it is.

[Marieteresa]

Nicole, Iam deeply sorry for you.....and although I don't have to words to speak to you. Know that I care about you and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

[Sixtina87]

Thanks elizabeth, i know i can count on you!!! I have not eat anything today simply there is no reason for me to eat and simply because i am not hungary.

Sister and I talked about, i can only visit once a yr and maybe in a few yrs re-apply. However i do not to re-apply i already did that, and it didn't work.

I want to be there right now with the family and enjoying time spent with them and with christ.

i know i will be the best beaver dam sister ever!!!!!!!!

[uruviel]

Oh Nicole, I'm very sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. May God give you comfort and understanding through this difficult time in your life. First I think you need to relax and lay it all on Jesus. He hates seeing you hurt, and perhaps this wasn't His will that you enter now! We never know what the future holds, or what God holds in store for us, and it's impossible to be prepared for everything. Let Him take care of it, and pray to Him, you need to speak to a priest, a sister, someone who can spiritually help you through this. I think it just needs time to set in, I can't imagine what a dissappointment it must be. Whereas I pity you greatly, I believe that if God didn't think it was the right time for you to enter, then this is better for you You will be in my prayers, just remember to Trust in Him like a little child, let Him comfort you. And even if no comfort seems to come, God is allowing this to happen and I know what difficulty it will be but you also must try to take care of your body.
One thing we should always avoid doubting EVER is our meaning here and why we were born. God loves your soul to such an extent, He died for you so your soul could go to Heaven with Him. Please don't ever question your sanity/reasoning/purpose. You are not a screw up!!! God Bless and Mary keep,
-uruviel

[Sixtina87]

i have been up for almost an hour. my body is weak, my legs and body ach so bad. my head isn't pounding at all well for now it isn't! i am freezing.

I honestly give up on everything. i dont care anymore and i simply can't live life like i have in the past. I don't want anything to do with life at all. i hate my life and I will always hate it!!!!!!!!!!

Edited July 20, 2006 by Sixtina87

[cathoholic_anonymous]

Oh Nicole, I know you've been looking forward to this for so long. But consider this: there will be pains and trials in the religious life, perhaps sharper pains and more agonizing trials than you are experiencing now. Life doesn't become easier because you're wearing a veil on your head. This is an opportunity for you to practise religious discipline, to try and react as you would react if you received a nasty disappointment within the convent. You'd have to go on eating there - it would upset your sisters' prayer lives and unfairly worry the community if you didn't. So, set yourself three regular mealtimes and compose a special, personal grace to say before each one. That should help you to eat.

Pray the prayer of St Ignatius. He was a solider - both literally and figuratively - and his prayer shows it:

[quote]Dearest Lord,
Teach us to be generous;
To serve as you deserve;
To give and not to count the cost;
To fight and not to heed the wounds;
To toil and not to seek for rest;
To labor and not to ask for reward,
Save that of knowing that we are doing thy will.

Amen[/quote]

Right now it seems that you are being called to give up your dream for a while - and not to count the cost.

Remember what the Church says about vocation. The Church considers a person to have a religious vocation if and only if he or she is accepted by the religious order he or she wants to join. For you, this could mean one of three things:

1.) You're meant to join a different community from the Sister Servants of the Eternal Word;
2.) You are meant to join the SsEWs - only in God's time, not in your own. This will require a wait;
3.) Your vocation is not with the religious life.

Vocation is a calling from God, so what your dad said was not only harsh, but totally wrong - if God wants something, it happens. No one can 'screw up' His plans. And whatever his plans for you may be, you can bet that they will be marvellous. Perfectly suited to you and perfect for Him. Relax, calm down, and pray - then you will be able to see what Our Lord is offering you. You won't be able to see straight if your eyes are full of tears.

Do you have a spiritual director? If not, you need to get one very badly. A spiritual director is [b]vital[/b] to the discernment process.

I also suggest that you stop visiting convents and monasteries for the next couple of years. Just focus on your own personal prayer life and don't get overfond of a particular religious order. That will tell you more about yourself than you ever imagined.

[Gemma]

Ah, Nicole, I do know how that feels. I was rejected by a monastery once, and I thought I would lay down and die. I felt so totally worthless. And you're not allowed to object!!!

Discernment's not an easy process, and there's usually a world of hurt to go along with it. We're faced with our faults and sins, and it's not a pretty picture.

Your dad was disappointed and hurt, too. I think that's why he said what he did.

Parents are strange sometimes. The monastery that rejected me was the same one from which my mom hijacked incoming letters. One of those was apparently the rejection letter--and I didn't find out for several years down the line that I had been turned away. My mom's reactions to those monasteries and convents that I was looking at was usually portentous when it came to their acceptance/rejection.

Not a lot of help, I know, but my experience. If you want to talk off-board, feel free to do so.

Blessings,
Gemma

[GodChild]

Hello, I don't usually write here (other than lurk about and read) but seeing you so upset after I read your other posts made me want to speak up. I am very sorry that you are so upset, and I know these words will seem hollow now that you are feeling rejected ... but this may be the best thing that has happened to you. I don't say thsi to be nasty, quiet the contrary so I'll share something with you. Firstly I agree with what many other people have been saying over and over again. Everything happens in God's time and God's will may not always be ours. I remeber a time (maybe about six months ago) when I truly wanted to enter the religious life and become a nun. I wanted this more than anything and truly felt this is where I was being called. However, God had different plans (at least for now) and I cannot enter the religious life. Probably never because I am sick and I have a sickness of such a nature that no religious community will have me. I felt so devastated and I thought to myself "Jesus doesn't want me". Th rejection was very hard. I felt like I had been crippled. However, my story has a good ending because St Therese the Little Flower picked me out for her own and has played a large part in my life. Jesus also said 'no' to my thoughts. I was wrong in thinking Jesus doesn't want me or that I am inferior. Over the past months the 'Little Way' by St Therese has been manifest to me so strongly and I try to live it everyday of my life. I am so happy now and at peace with my vocation. I have found it to be to love and to live in love as a Child of God. I can tell you honestly, God is so merciful and kind, he has even taken away my desires to be a nun (after praying to Him that he would do so) and when I look back now I am terrified that I even wanted to be a nun!

The moral of the story is - You don't always know what you want

With lots of love and prayers .... GodChild

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Sixtina87' post='1027481' date='Jul 20 2006, 04:37 AM']
i have been up for almost an hour. my body is weak, my legs and body ach so bad. my head isn't pounding at all well for now it isn't! i am freezing.

I honestly give up on everything. i dont care anymore and i simply can't live life like i have in the past. I don't want anything to do with life at all. i hate my life and I will always hate it!!!!!!!!!!
[/quote]

Nicole,

I am so very, very sorry. I can feel your hurt poured out in every word. Here's what I want you to do [the mother in me showing now] It doesn't sound like you slept much last night. Why don't you take a good relaxing bath, drink some tea [if your head allows it] or have some soup, and sleep for awhile. I normally don't advocate this, but perhaps you can even get a replacement if you have to work tonight. It sounds as if your mind and body has had an enormous shock and needs to rest.

Later, perhaps you and a supportive friend can take a walk in the park, or have a snack somewhere. You need to make the effort to get out, even if for just a little while. Remember too, your priest and Our Lord in The Blessed Sacrament.

You are grieving Nicole and that's OK. Later on, I will tell you about Sister Franciose Therese, who could relate to your pain. Right now, I'll just give you long-distance hugs, prayers, and offer my rosary today for your peace and healing.

Mary-Kathryn

ps. You are not a "screw-up", you are a young woman at the beginning of this journey called life.

[be_thou_my_vision]

Nicole,
I am so sorry for this. I went through a similar situation, though, and it feels like the death of a loved one. The death of a dream so real and so close... I know how you feel, dear sister.
But now, since you are so empty from the grief and you have so little strength from the battle, grace will fill you, and He will be your strong tower and your shelter. Let yourself be held by Mother Mary as you cry, and remember that there is always life after any death if Christ is with you. And let me tell you, that He is so close, you can't even see Him. His light of love is so bright, it is blinding you.
Go in front of the tabernacle and tell Him exactly what you feel, even if that means prostrating yourself and crying. You will feel so much better. You will be so close to His Bleeding Heart.
God Bless you, Nicole.
Offer your sufferings up for all those who are heartbroken, and all those who join you as your own heart bleeds.

Bethou

[memory-singer]

Dear Nicole,

I am so sorry for your pain and disappointment. Please know that God will bless your desire to belong only to Him. We just don't know how yet. I am holding you in my heart before His holy altar.

Love and prayers,

Dare

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

Nicole,
He must break you to make you better than before Be the clay in the Potter's hands... it will hurt, it will not be fun, but in the end, your soul will be beautiful and you will be as if you were in heaven on earth.

Be patient. God has much to do with you yet.

[onlygrace08]

I am so sorry to hear this and sorry that I don't have very comforting words. However, here is todays' gospel reading:

"Come to me all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." Matthew 11:28-30

Perhaps God is wanting for you to trust him. It helps me sometimes to mentally picture my problems in a box and then picture myself physically handing this box over to Jesus. I ask him to take care of it and then, you must try to not worry about it. He is going to take care of it and he is more than capable of taking care of it. I will pray for you.

God Bless

Anna

[Domine ut Videam]

Nicole,

I hardly know what to say.......except that i know this must be so hard for you and such a disapointment. But think of all that Christ went through for you. Offer up your sufferings to Him through His paschal sacrifice, go to him at the foot of the cross.

i really hate to say this, but i really looked up to you and i expceted so much maturity and wisdom out of you...... I know that you can get through this. Don't let me down. You have the strength it takes in Christ through whom you can do all things. If you are not called to the religious life "Be not afraid." He has great things planned for you wherever your path may lead. Be Not Afraid.

-Yours in Christ
Lauren