humbleness vs. being walked over

[the flutehonker]

In striving to be humble and not prideful, should one allow oneself to be walked all over? For example, today in my summer school class, a boy who I had once been very good friends with and almost dating (about 9 months ago), decided for no particular reason to humiliate me in front of the entire class. He started making fun of me and telling everyone stuff I had confided in him, and pulled out every embarrasing thing he could think of. The things he said...were horrible. But you could tell he was enjoying himself and everyone around us was entertained and laughing. I tried to defend myself, but he told me not to deny it and that he thought it was against my beliefs to bear false witness. I could have easily embarrased him with the stuff he told me when we were once so very close (I'll never make that mistake again) but decided to "turn the other cheek" instead. Basically, he walked all over me.

Is there a fine line between being walked over and being humble and nonprideful, or does it not exist? Did I do the right thing or did I needlessly allow this humiliation to fall upon me? Whoever said sticks and stones are the only thing that hurt was not very realistic, several people have changed their opinions of me today based on things he said. I feel as my heart and soul have been brutally whipped.

Edited June 28, 2006 by the flutehonker

[Era Might]

Padre Pio once slapped a man for lying about him.

[prose]

There is a difference between humility and humiliation.

Humiliation is done unto you by someone else (as is with this case), and humilty is when you [i]choose[/i] to bow to someone else's wishes (as we all try to do for the Lord).

This man had no right to humiliate you.

[KatS]

I am sorry that he chose to be so cruel to you. It sounds like you handled it very well and that you "took the high road."

Sticks and stones DO break bones - it's called verbal abuse. This guy must either be really troubled or just plain arrogant to act that way.

[the flutehonker]

Even though he had no right...I just wasn't sure what was the right way to react. The only way to really have countered it would have been to humiliate him, which didn't feel right, and would embarras some other people in the process. I couldn't slap him as I could get suspended or expelled...



He had the nerve to call me to ask for help w/ homework...

[KatS]

Was the teacher/instructor there while this was happening?

Does your school have rules against harrassment?

[cappie]

Humility is the state of being humble. A humble person is generally thought to be unpretentious and modest: someone who does not think that he or she is better or more important than others. Humility is not to be confused with humiliation, which is the act of making someone else feel ashamed, and is something completely different. Humiliation of one person by another is often used as a way of asserting power over others, and is a common form of oppression or abuse

[b]So true humility is not feeling bad about yourself, or having a low opinion of yourself, or thinking of yourself as inferior to others.[/b]

True humility frees us from preoccupation with ourselves, whereas a low self-opinion tends to focus our attention on ourselves. Humility is truth in self-understanding and truth in action. Viewing ourselves truthfully, with sober judgment, means seeing ourselves the way God sees us (Psalm 139:1- 4). A humble person makes a realistic assessment of himself without illusion or pretense to be something he is not. He regards himself neither smaller nor larger than he truly is. True humility frees us to be ourselves and to avoid despair and pride. A humble person does not have to wear a mask or put on a facade in order to look good to others who do not know who he really is. He is not swayed by accidentals, such as fame, reputation, success, or failure.

Humility is the queen or foundation of all the other virtues because it enables us to see and judge correctly, the way God sees. Humility leads to knowledge, honesty, realism, strength, and dedication to give ourselves to something greater than ourselves. Humility frees us to love and serve others selflessly, for their sake, rather than our own.

[the flutehonker]

Thanks for your responses everyone. I've definitely cooled down a lot, and am prepared for tommorow. Thanks especially for your definition of humility cappie, it really helped. If he decideds to continue where he left off, I won't let his comments, or anyone elses, faze me. All of my deep dark secrets will be forgotten soon enough.

To Kat, the teacher was there, but she was trying to keep track of 40 students with bunsen burners...she did get on to him once but I don't blame her for her concentration being elsewhere. Also, I don't know if it would count as true harrassment, just usual highschool cruelty. (I think he was mad because I wouldnt be his lab partner and do everything for him...)

[clg01]

[quote name='the flutehonker' post='1014077' date='Jun 28 2006, 04:46 PM']
Thanks for your responses everyone. I've definitely cooled down a lot, and am prepared for tommorow. Thanks especially for your definition of humility cappie, it really helped. If he decideds to continue where he left off, I won't let his comments, or anyone elses, faze me. All of my deep dark secrets will be forgotten soon enough.

To Kat, the teacher was there, but she was trying to keep track of 40 students with bunsen burners...she did get on to him once but I don't blame her for her concentration being elsewhere. Also, I don't know if it would count as true harrassment, just usual highschool cruelty. (I think he was mad because I wouldnt be his lab partner and do everything for him...)
[/quote]
Personally, I gone through similar experiences in my past. I was always the person who turned the other cheek though simply because of what I learned from scripture; Treat thy neighbor as you want to be treated. I want to be treated with dignity and respect and, even though I wasn't receiving it at that time of put-down, I was steadfast in obeying God's second commandment.

I know it's hard but we must remember what Jesus when through being spat at and beaten. He carried his cross well and he expects no less from us. He even warned us that these things would happen. So, be strong and just take extra care to choose ppl to confide in.

I hope this helps.

[philothea]

FWIW, while people may laugh at the guy who is being obnoxious... they won't like him or trust him as much anymore. While you, being quiet and not defending yourself, will make a strong positive impression... even if people are generally too cowardly to take the side of the victim.

I think you did the right thing. I would definitely avoid that guy in the future, though!

[HS_Dad]

Tough question.... I think to the extent that you can absorb punishment and show true class and character, allow yourself to be humiliated.

One of the tougher things is when you have repeated interactions. For example a spouse should now allow another spouse to humiliate them repeatedly (or a child a sibling) because no learning occurs. I think there comes a point where one needs to speak up.

In a situation like this thread, it might be a really valuable teaching moment to calmly and coolly speak to the offender at a later time and mention that "I started to think of many things to humiliate you, but I held back.... Maybe you can too next time." This would be very hard to do without sounding like self-righteousness, a future threat, or a manipulation of behavior. However if one is very precise in language and tone while calm and collected and willing to absorb more insults, it could be a real teaching moment.

[morostheos]

Growing up, my mom always told me I should not give those who try to humiliate me the satisfaction of seeing me angry and/or outwardly hurt. They are usually looking for a reaction from you, and if you don't give them one, they eventually give up with their humiliations (especially in middle & high school I think). Sometimes, just to make them upset, I would be extra nice to those who were mean to me. It's kinda fun to see how it baffles them.

Looking back, I'm not sure if my motivations were pure, but my mom's advice definitely worked for the most part.

[Ash Wednesday]

[quote name='Era Might' post='1013987' date='Jun 28 2006, 12:57 PM']
Padre Pio once slapped a man for lying about him.
[/quote]

That flipping rules.



The thing about high school is that people act retarded. The best way to handle it is to go about your business, come back to the ten year reunion and secretly laugh to yourself because the worst ones usually don't turn out so hot. A beautiful life is your best "revenge." But I'm getting ahead of myself here...

In the meantime, I think you should tell him how much that did hurt you. If he wants any more friendship or favors from you then he should apologise and attempt to amend the situation.

[heavenseeker]

[quote name='the flutehonker' post='1013946' date='Jun 28 2006, 01:16 PM']
In striving to be humble and not prideful, should one allow oneself to be walked all over? For example, today in my summer school class, a boy who I had once been very good friends with and almost dating (about 9 months ago), decided for no particular reason to humiliate me in front of the entire class. He started making fun of me and telling everyone stuff I had confided in him, and pulled out every embarrasing thing he could think of. The things he said...were horrible. But you could tell he was enjoying himself and everyone around us was entertained and laughing. I tried to defend myself, but he told me not to deny it and that he thought it was against my beliefs to bear false witness. I could have easily embarrased him with the stuff he told me when we were once so very close (I'll never make that mistake again) but decided to "turn the other cheek" instead. Basically, he walked all over me.

Is there a fine line between being walked over and being humble and nonprideful, or does it not exist? Did I do the right thing or did I needlessly allow this humiliation to fall upon me? Whoever said sticks and stones are the only thing that hurt was not very realistic, several people have changed their opinions of me today based on things he said. I feel as my heart and soul have been brutally whipped.
[/quote]
that is awefull(sp?) but there is a huge difference between standing up for yourself and pride. you can still be humble and stand up for yourself. you should have defended yourself and could have done it without being like he was but dont feel bad for doing what you did and if others are going to look down on you because of what was said then that just shows their true colors.

[jswranch]

[quote name='Era Might' post='1013987' date='Jun 28 2006, 12:57 PM']
Padre Pio once slapped a man for lying about him.
[/quote]
according to legend, St. Nicholas coldcocked Fr. Arius at Nicea.

God is good, but not always nice.

Edited June 29, 2006 by jswranch