When He is silent. . .

[HisChild]

I've been staying with some sisters for over 2 weeks now. I've been praying with them, and as much as possible, living their life. Last week they were on retreat, so I didn't go to as many prayer times, like daytime prayer, because I was their 'chef'.

Now, it's over, their retreat, and I find myself being invited to discern more with them. I've been told that I'll never 'really' know, unless I take that risk, meaning living here, entering here.

Here's the thing. All through my prayers, He's been silent. I have no real convictions to continue discernment here, anywhere else, return to the world, whatever. It's like I'm numb.

I've prayed in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I've told Him I need to know what He wants of me.

I'm 35, so I know that I'm getting older, and I need to settle, somewhere. You know? I also know, that being an older vocation, my independence will be an obstacle. I've been in 3 communities. For whatever reason, (for two it was illness right after I entered) God made it supremely clear that I wasn't meant to be there. . .clear to me and the superiors as well. I don't know about you, but I've sort of become a little gun shy. I'm wondering if I'm just not called to religious life, although THAT isn't all that clear either. Because some have said that it just means I wasn't called there, and I should not keep a tally of the places I've already taken the risk and entered, only to have it not work out.

Easier said than done.

So, my question to you is. . .when you pray and pray, and He's silent, and none of the options stand out to you at all. . .but you know you have to make a decision 'soon', what do [u]you[/u] do? Or rather, what have you done in the past? I know that He will not love me less if I opt to just return to the world. I know that I don't have a sign or a conviction to enter here and I'm just being disobedient. . . I simply haven't a clue what makes sense to me. That is a VERY frustrating place to be, considering that usually I'm motivated and have direction in my life, you know?

Anyway. . .of course I ask for your prayers. You know you have mine. . .but I thought I'd throw this topic out for your input.

God reward you.

denise

[be_thou_my_vision]

Hi Denise,
Personally, when He is silent, I like to believe that He is talking through others. I may not hear what He is saying in my heart, but I trust that I don't know what else to do, so I follow whatever doors seem to be opening.
You mentioned that you are getting older and need to settle. Do you like these sisters? Then enter there. They do not seem to judge you about being a postulant in other communities. Maybe God made you get sick in the other communities just so, eventually, you would make you way to your current convent.
What have you got to lose? I would go for it. If it doesn't work out, then you will know. I know how it feels to be God's little hobo, but it teaches us surrender to His will, and His alone, because there just seems to be no definite answer from anywhere else. And frankly, we just don't know what we want.
So, that's my advice. I'm sorry He's sleeping right now, but trust Him anyway. (Sounds weird to trust a sleeping man with your life, but it's better than us keeping it! haha!)
God Bless you Denise.

[Domine ut Videam]

Denise,

I tend to agree with be_thou_my_vision, that when he is silent and you think you can't here Him, that perhaps He is speaking through others. When i first read your post it seemed to me that He was speaking through this order; as clear as glass. Now it might just be me, but that is the first thing i saw, the first thing that i felt. God has a reason for everything, a purpose for every event. You have been staying with these sisters for two weeks,and now they are asking you to discern with them? I don't know but to me this seems like a tap on the shoulder from God, not like silence. Of course, it is always easy for someone outside of the situation to look in and say: "Oh, look see, it could be like this, or like that....." I am just blindly stabbing in the dark, with what felt like a very true instinct; but i don't know anything. The only thing i do know is that sense of feeling that God is silent.

And i know that i am only 17, and have just turned that, and that many may say that i don't know anything about spiritual matters. But i have experienced a lot the past three years and God has taught me many things. The one thing I have learned is this. (and this i DO know) It is that when I once again am thinking that God is silent and not answering my prayers and i start questioning what i have gotten myself into and what i am doing. When i start slipping into darkness and asking God where He is in this long silence--it is then that he has the biggest plan up his sleeve. The biggest graces in store for You, the most wonderful blessings ready to pour down upon you. It is only that He is simply waiting. God likes to make us wait. As we wait, he empties us; only of course to fill us with Himself. Waiting actaully is what corresponds to our heart and so while God sits and lets his master plan for us unfold, we learn to simply be....learn how to know ourselves in a way that corresponds to our hearts, to our inner selves, our "I's" as finite, weak beings.

I know that it seems as though God is silent. Trust me.....I've been there. But just know that it will not last forever. God is nearer than ever before. And "The darkest time comes right before the dawn."

-Yours in Christ
Lauren

[alicemary]

Denise, what is your hurry? You said you must enter or make a decision SOON. Why on earth would you do that? I think the last place you need to be is in a convent right now. You need some distance to get your head on straight. it is like a person who breaks up with the love of their life....you don't jump back in and start a new relationship with someone else. Mistake. You need what you are not willing to give yourself TIME.
I do not want to sound critical nor mean, I am just concerned, ok? You have tried relgious life 3 times...that is an indication that maybe you are not called to this specific life style. You may not like to hear that, but I can only say what is in my heart. I know that you feel that at age 35 your time is running out, well, my dear one, Jesus is timeless. You are putting such pressure on yourself to make a decision. I can read between the lnes that you are not feeling anything....and especially not feeling called to this community. God love them for giving you a try, but I suggest you get back out into the world, get yourself a good job and do some thinking and searching.
Sometimes we feel an attraction to a certain lifestyle, but the reality is not possible. There are many many ways to serve the Lord. By all means, do not enter this community because it is the only thing you can do now. What a horrible misake that would be.
Denise, again, I may sound blunt, but that is me. I care about you, and do not want you to make a choice in haste. Quite frankly I think you are just plain burned out..you are a nurse, you know all about that. Step back, get back to your life and family and friends. The Lord is not gone from your life, but I think He is telling you SLOW DOWN.
blessings to you.
Alicemary

[OLAM Dad]

b_t_m_v, I know many people who say that the ONLY men that can be trusted are the sleeping ones.

Denise, God bless you for your fidelity. I'm sure that whatever God has in store for you that it will be very special indeed. Through all your vocational trials and tribulations He has made you into quite a remarkable woman.

It seems to me that God is telling you to wait. He laughs at us when we make plans, so don't do it. Can you stay where you are without entering? It's a good environment for discernment. Stay, work, pray and wait for His prompting.

You're in my prayers.

Michael

Edited June 16, 2006 by OLAM Dad

[Birgitta Noel]

Denise,

I would echo the above. Slow down, take time.

Remember, above all God wants us to be happy.

I still owe you a PM, my apologies, my week has been nutso and I'm about to be out of town til Mon., but know that you are in my prayers while I'm gone.

[be_thou_my_vision]

[quote name='alicemary' post='1007062' date='Jun 16 2006, 04:08 PM']
Denise, what is your hurry? You said you must enter or make a decision SOON. Why on earth would you do that? I think the last place you need to be is in a convent right now. You need some distance to get your head on straight. it is like a person who breaks up with the love of their life....you don't jump back in and start a new relationship with someone else. Mistake. You need what you are not willing to give yourself TIME.
I do not want to sound critical nor mean, I am just concerned, ok? You have tried relgious life 3 times...that is an indication that maybe you are not called to this specific life style. You may not like to hear that, but I can only say what is in my heart. I know that you feel that at age 35 your time is running out, well, my dear one, Jesus is timeless. You are putting such pressure on yourself to make a decision. I can read between the lnes that you are not feeling anything....and especially not feeling called to this community. God love them for giving you a try, but I suggest you get back out into the world, get yourself a good job and do some thinking and searching.
Sometimes we feel an attraction to a certain lifestyle, but the reality is not possible. There are many many ways to serve the Lord. By all means, do not enter this community because it is the only thing you can do now. What a horrible misake that would be.
Denise, again, I may sound blunt, but that is me. I care about you, and do not want you to make a choice in haste. Quite frankly I think you are just plain burned out..you are a nurse, you know all about that. Step back, get back to your life and family and friends. The Lord is not gone from your life, but I think He is telling you SLOW DOWN.
blessings to you.
Alicemary
[/quote]
Even though I posted something completely opposite to this, I now agree with alicemary. That makes more sense that what I wrote.

So basically, I second alicemary.

Sorry for the confusion...

[HisChild]

Thank you for all of your posts. Yes, I have thought about staying here for a little while longer without entering. I just don't know how long I am able to do that, not only because of their charity, but also for my own sanity.

I am not in a rush, per se, alicemary, I don't want to sound like I have to enter NOW or else. What I am concerned about is the fact that I've given up all my furniture, sold my house, etc. etc. Were I to go back, start all over and gain employment, car, home, furniture, etc, I would go right back into debt, something I worked hard to eradicate. The feasibility of my being able to zero my debt again is probably a lot less than it was before. That's why I thought it would be a very good time for me to discern now, while I am debt free. I won't be able to do so, once I return to 'the working world.'

Thank you again for your words. Nothing mentioned is new to me, as all that was written above, have been in my own thoughts.

But can I mention one thing? You've all given me advice. While that's appreciated, what I ASKED for in my original post is (and I'll quote it for you) " So, my question to you is. . .when you pray and pray, and He's silent, and none of the options stand out to you at all. . .but you know you have to make a decision 'soon', what do you do? Or rather, what have you done in the past?" I was mainly asking for your own experiences. Not that I am unappreciative of your previous input, but that wasn't what I was asking.

God bless you all, you're all in my prayers.

[stlmom]

Dear Denise,
When my prayers seemed to lead nowhere in my experience, I simply take it to mean I must make the best decision I can with the information I have. I am cautious by nature, so I tend to make small incremental changes until I get a better perspective on my situation. And while there are consequences to whatever decision is made, it is useless to worry about whether your decision is right or wrong. Very few things in life are truly irreparable.
Be aware too that what you see as the Lord being "silent" may simply be you experiencing some depression over this turn of events. Stay close to your friends and try to keep a balance of work and prayer, OK?

[TheresaMF]

In a sense, that's an easier question to answer. I don't have any profound experiences, but I'll share what I have.

When I graduated from college last year I thought I would enter religious life, but knew it would not be that coming year. My options were to teach school, thus discerning teaching while spending time at home and saving money, or attending an graduate school under an awesome teacher I knew, studying catechesis and evangelization while getting into debt far from home. I didn't have any inspiration from God either way (although I don't think I was praying as assiduously as you are). Basically I sat down multiple times and made lists of pros and cons to my various choices. Researching my options was crucial here too (I didn't do enough of this. How can you choose if you don't have accurate and complete information about your options?). Ultimately I chose to stay home and teach because I thought that fitted best with my goals: discern teaching, stay out of debt, spend time with family, all aimed at vocation in the future.

I've also freaked out quite a bit about discernment at changing points in my life (end of highschool, end of college) when it would have been [i]really conveniant[/i] for God to drop that vocation in my lap. He didn't. A big lesson from this past year has been trust in God. "Your divine Lover will not abandon you"--and this applies not just to those with religious vocations but to everyone, as He is the Lover of every soul.

Now, if I don't enter the Dominican Monastery of St. Jude next year and end up at my parents doorstep again after I return from my aspirancy in August with no job or job prospects, I'm going to look hard at volunteering options, both in my area and perhaps farther afield. One plan would be: find a nice old lady willing to rent out a room in her house near my parish, work part time at my old school, get deeply involved in some catechesis/evangelization volunteering opportunities. Another: if God so leads, go off and volunteer somewhere else more radical (I know some Dominicans in Africa...). I don't think grad school would be an option, if only because of the timing. The end objective would be to spend a year productively while figuring out what God was telling me by leading me to the monastery but not having me enter, and whether I should enter the teaching order or not or what!!!

So to recap: Trust God. Research your options (incl. volunteering). Pro/con lists.

"Wait on the Lord, and trust in His merciful love." I really admire your dedication in following God's call (even when He is silent). The way you have handled this is such a good example for me as I discern my vocation and face future possibilities. God bless and Our Lady keep you!

[HisChild]

Thank you stlmom and Theresa, for your input. I was really grateful to hear your own processes in discernment and decision making. I tend to be too analytical at times, both a strength and a fault, so I like to hear how others do it. Theresa, LOL you sound like me! I do that often as well, with the lists. And like both of you, I tend to be cautious. As you can see, I don't have issues taking risks or making a commitment. . .but I do tend to be cautious on the front end of things.

I don't really want to say much more at this point, but I have in my mind an idea of where my life will be immediately taking me. I'm not 100% positive, at this point, so I'll continue praying and see if those doors open.

If anyone else would like to contribute to this thread, please! I love to hear how others handle various (not necessarily vocational) discernment situations.

God bless you.

[bmb144]

Hi His Child,

I also do the list thing then I pray my heart up and then wait and doors seem to open, even if it takes years to do so ....for me patience has been a lesson to learn.

Just for perspective-
Without boring everyone to death with the long version, I got my call at 13, but was not Catholic. Did the RCIA at 16 but was blocked by mum as she knew about the call as did the Priest and had to wait until last year (1st Sun of Advent) to be baptised. (Long story )
Anyway, I am 30 now, have just over 7 months as a sacramental member of the church, but 15 years living spiritually as a Catholic. And trying to ignore the call *wry smile*


Anyway I got bumped on the head a couple of months before baptism about religious life and started a list of orders, about 15 on that list. I used certain limiting factors, like those who respond, those who answer questions, how the sister/nun treats me and those who wear habits etc as factors, then I started getting in contact. Some passed the limiting factors others did not. Some did not respond in the first place

(note*I have nothing against non-habited orders, but my call and some associated stuff was very clear about the order being habited )

15 became 3 very quickly, it took roughly 4 months. I am talking with three orders and formally discerning with 2 orders. (My sacramental "youth" has been a problem for many orders ), and as I [u]HAVE[/u] to wait at least two years minimum and for one order three years, under the rules that apply to converts and entrance into orders. Many, once they found out that I am a convert said forget it, go talk to another order.

Anyway after the list thing and a lot of prayer I am down to 3. After having to wait as long as I did to be Catholic in the first place, my spiritual muscles have had a bit of a work out and in my spiritual life I have learnt that Father opens doors in His time not mine.

I've tried I spent some time or feeling like I could go I've even tried begging.
These days I just . If Father wants me as a nun, so be it, He is going to have to open the way for it to happen. Its His call on my life and he will open the way, me I make too many mistakes so I keep out of the way :

So for me the list thing works the best.

*rambling ended*

[HisChild]

That's great! I really enjoyed your post. Thank you for sharing. I'd love to learn a little bit more of why you waited until you were 30 before you finally became Catholic. I can understand waiting until you are of legal age, due to your parents. . .but, well inquiring minds wanna know! : I can also understand your not wanting to get into a long story, but feel free to share if you'd like. May our Lord bless you! I will keep your vocation in my prayers.

[Mercy me]

[quote name='HisChild' post='1007093' date='Jun 16 2006, 08:03 PM']
Thank you for all of your posts. Yes, I have thought about staying here for a little while longer without entering. I just don't know how long I am able to do that, not only because of their charity, but also for my own sanity.

I am not in a rush, per se, alicemary, I don't want to sound like I have to enter NOW or else. What I am concerned about is the fact that I've given up all my furniture, sold my house, etc. etc. Were I to go back, start all over and gain employment, car, home, furniture, etc, I would go right back into debt, something I worked hard to eradicate. The feasibility of my being able to zero my debt again is probably a lot less than it was before. That's why I thought it would be a very good time for me to discern now, while I am debt free. I won't be able to do so, once I return to 'the working world.'

Thank you again for your words. Nothing mentioned is new to me, as all that was written above, have been in my own thoughts.

But can I mention one thing? You've all given me advice. While that's appreciated, what I ASKED for in my original post is (and I'll quote it for you) " So, my question to you is. . .when you pray and pray, and He's silent, and none of the options stand out to you at all. . .but you know you have to make a decision 'soon', what do you do? Or rather, what have you done in the past?" I was mainly asking for your own experiences. Not that I am unappreciative of your previous input, but that wasn't what I was asking.

God bless you all, you're all in my prayers.
[/quote]

Denise, I am not sure that your premise is sound. Yes you are free right now but your situation is not unique to the moment, per se. You can stay "free."

There is nothing stopping you from going back to the world and living simply and beneath your means. Live day to day on what the Lord gives you and then you will not need to struggle with debt should He clearly call you to religious life somewhere. You cannot be afraid of the world or it's traps.

The living situations might not be ideal. The car might be well used. The houseware from St. Vincent de Paul... The point is not to get too comfortable. When we get too comfortable we tend to start relying a bit on ourselves. It least that is my experience. You and I both know that self-reliance is never a good thing.

To answer your question, when i am struggling and searching and no answer to my prayer seems forthcoming I tend to continue in the direction that I was heading when I last heard His voice. That has never stopped me from praying for a clue. But I am a bit over cautious and I really need affirmation from him if I am to diverge from that path He set me on.

[HisChild]

Let me please start this post by stating again: I am not looking for advice or criticism (unless you are my spiritual director and decide to become a PM member! LOL) I was only looking for others' stories. That is why I underlined the word 'you' in my original post. . .so that the post-er would concentrate on their own processes and not mine ([b]as there are many particulars about my own situation that you do not know, particulars that I will not share on this open forum[/b]). Please in the future, consider that, in charity, in your responses, should you choose to do so. I hope I am not upsetting anyone by stating this, as that is not my intent.

MercyMe:
First, I don't recall there ever being anything in my post that stated that I was 'afraid' of the world. I'm not. However, and this is a point that I received in direction from a priest. . . he stated that I cannot continue to leave the world, sell my belongings, then go back, re accrue, sell again, etc. I needed to make a decision and then stay with that decision. (Perhaps I should have posted that in my first post, but truly, I didn't know this thread would deviate from my own intent into an advice session for Denise.)This post was ONLY to find out what others do in similar situations of needing to make a decision. It is merely a concern, not a fear. A concern that it would be 'best' for me to discern now, wihle the situation is more ideal than later.

As for my getting 2nd hand items, etc., I would have to disagree with you. Your own thought processes are simply different than mine. I have lived above my means, and I have lived below my means. I have even lived what I THOUGHT was frugally and below my means, only to find that things I've purchased wound up costing me twice as much as if I had purchased decent items in the first place (and the apartments I rented wound up not being safe). I don't want to argue or continue; I just wanted to share that this particular path, what you suggested, is not one I find logical.

Unless I knew that I was in fact going to enter religious life some time down the road, and I just had to wait on time. . .say, for example that I missed an entrance date and had to wait 6 months, or something. . . well then I could see the frugality. However, not knowing what our Lord is asking of me, purchasing a 'well used' item that is likely to require repair or replacement within the near future, is a waste of money and is only to be done as a last resort, as far as I am concerned. I am not in that situation now. I have been on my own now for almost 2 decades, and I have never seen that idea work well. For those who are able to make that work, God bless you. It's always been more cost in the end for me.

For those who have shared what they do, thank you. For those who are praying for me, thank you and God bless you. I keep you in my prayers as well.

(BTW, since I started this topic, I have actually already made up my mind as to which path I am going to take. . .something that I am not willing just yet to share here.)


God bless you.