When parents go nuts

[Sixtina87]

i know i am replying late to this one, but this reminds me of my dad!!!

He flipped out when he found out I was discerning a religious vocation. We would get into huge 2 hours fights over it and it ending with me walking away in tears and him telling my mom, "I wish it was a f^#&ing stage!!!!" I would hear that and say to myself, No its not deal with it!!!

But the last fight we had was december or January, and it was about visiting Lockport!!! If think he has gotten the idea that it's not a phase!!!! THANK GOD!!!!

[MikeZakYm]

I know this is going to sound like 'promotion' for HIAL but here goes.

Face it, most parents and adults don't REALLY know priests, brothers, and sisters

Yeah they may know who the parish priest(s) are and they might knoe them. But really know them..... Doubtful

So let's start with the Vocation of Marriage. If you were dating someone and cared for them and felt called to Marriage would you do it on the sly or would you introduce this person to your folks? As a parent, I would hope so. If not, I would probably 'flip out' if my 24 yr old daughter was sneaking around. It would be like, why don't you want your mother and I to know about this guy, learn more about him, meet him.

Getting the picture..


Ok so the same goes for Religious Life. I was fortunate to grow up knowing priests and sisters (I'm 54). We did, have and continue to develop friendships. So first and foremost I have a foundation to make decisions from. But as I said, most parents, sincce they don't know priests,brothers,and sisters are clueless, confused, frightened and or all of the above.

That's why we have the HIAL Conference at parishes, why we have host families for them to stay with, why we are now inviting p,b & s's to come on retreats with us. The more parents are exposed to p,b & s's the more comfortable they will be.

To all - if you are beginning your discernment process then start introducing the p's to the p,b, & s's. It really will help their comfort index.

All of us are afraid or wary of what we don't know

When my nieces an nephew were first involved in Youth Ministry 15+ years ago I was very skeptial. 10 years ago I closed my business to work in Youth Ministry and 5 years started the HIAL Vocations conferences. I now have more p,b & s friends and can better assist parents by introducing them and taking away some of the anxiety they have.

Remember with God all things ARE possible but it helps if you get your parents to know more about p,b & s's rather than just springing it on them

It's like saying 'Mom, Dad, I just got engaged, you know know him(her) but I want your approval like right now

Anyway I will keep all of you who are discerning your vocation in my prayers

[zwergel88]

Guys I'm probably just venting now, but I just have to keep complaining.

My mom e-mailed the Benedictines about me to make sure they knew that I was forbidden to go on the retreat. I'm totally mortified. I don't really think that it was her buisness to do this, I must be entitled to some kind of privacy.

This really smells of elderberries.

[jgirl]

I'd say that until November, you should respect your mother's wishes, as odd as they are, since you are still under 18. Pray very hard that you will have the strength to persevere if it is your vocation, and even harder that your mom will be open to receiving the grace to accept your call. At this point, prayer is your best weapon!

[Birgitta Noel]

[quote name='zwergel88' post='995729' date='Jun 2 2006, 09:36 PM']
Guys I'm probably just venting now, but I just have to keep complaining.

My mom e-mailed the Benedictines about me to make sure they knew that I was forbidden to go on the retreat. I'm totally mortified. I don't really think that it was her buisness to do this, I must be entitled to some kind of privacy.

This really smells of elderberries.
[/quote]

Oh Dear, hang in there. There is a plan in all of this. Perhaps God is teaching you obedience, or humility, or something that we simply just cannot see right now.

One thing is for sure, now that your mom has emailed the Benedictines you can bet that there's a whole convent of 'em praying for you and for her Bet your mom didn't bank on that sort of supernatural pressure Remember you can still start to seek God's will in your heart even if you can't yet do it with your body.

[puellapaschalis]

Prayers!

Try not to become resentful to your mother, however much her actions seem incomprehendable.

PP

[Gemma]

Don't forget the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.

Hearing all these responses remind me of just how much a rebel I was when I told my parents I was becoming Catholic. I was about to turn 16. We had to go through family counseling, but as far as I was concerned, I had to follow God and get to the Blessed Sacrament asap. I couldn't say no to inspiration--I had to go.

Which is why all this advice to be submissive steams me. It's your life, not hers. If I had been in your place, I would've exploded and told her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not. Then I would've made arrangements to move in with friends. In fact, I had a "safe house" arranged in case my situation at home became untenable. "Catholics stealing her child" was her mantra.

My mom actually threw away a letter from the Farmington Hills Dominicans. She tried to talk me into joining the Sisters of Charity outside of town. No way; they didn't wear the habit and were walking around like laity. I wanted to be cloistered. It wasn't until the trainer who had been giving me raceriding lessons said she thought the cloister was the place for me to be that mom started listening.

Then my sister said my parents were afraid of losing me altogether--that they'd never be able to see me again. I told them not to listen to Hollywood.

Another reason why I founded the SOLC--to dispel these myths about "I'll never see you again."

Mom harassed me about being Catholic until I started praying for good things to happen to her, which is advice I heard in the Baptist church. It worked.

Sorry to be such a bad example, but God's will comes first, not the world's.

Blessings,
Gemma

[passionheart]

My friend, I don't blame you for being upset. My mom did the same to me when I was younger as well. I was just starting my journey in the Lord and I wasn't sitting at home anymore. Nope I was out giving talks about the Lord and enjoying myself. My mother didn't like it and a battle started.
I am sorry to say the final outcome was me leaving home and mother and myself no longer have a real relationship.

I am writing this because Gemma is right, it isn't easy to deal with your parent/others when you give your heart to Lord. I hope you don't have the trouble I had but for me there was no turning back. Pray for your mom, yes of course obey her because you do live in her house but you need to protect your spiritual life. Pray for perseverance and for friends to support you. It was the community help to continue to run the race and help me heal my pain with my mother.

Edited June 3, 2006 by passionheart

[cmotherofpirl]

Until you are 18, you must honor your parents. The convent and the nuns will still be there, and you will have more time to prepare and pray. If that is where God wants you to be, you'll get there.
Be kind but firm, to your mom, even when she drives you crazy. Love does funny things to parents when they discover they are no longer first in their childs life. She could compete and direct you more if you had a boyfriend. Its hard to compete with God.

[Gemma]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='996002' date='Jun 3 2006, 06:32 AM']
Until you are 18, you must honor your parents. The convent and the nuns will still be there, and you will have more time to prepare and pray. If that is where God wants you to be, you'll get there.
Be kind but firm, to your mom, even when she drives you crazy. Love does funny things to parents when they discover they are no longer first in their childs life. She could compete and direct you more if you had a boyfriend. Its hard to compete with God.
[/quote]

Who says she has to be 18?

I have an aspirant who is 17. Since her mom is involved in the occult, her grandmother (our eldest aspirant) raised her and homeschooled her. I had to look up on the internet what the "age of majority" was for their state, which is when she can legally leave the state without her mom taking legal action against us. There she has to be 18.

What state are you living in? What is the "age of majority?"

Stick to your guns. I see anyone getting in God's way as being a bully. That's why I have to stand up to it.

Remember how Mother Angelica got to her monastery? One bishop I presented the SOLC to said he agreed with everything I was doing, except for the "Flight into Egypt." I had to plot with my SOLC co-founder to get her away from her family to get her back to her monastery when the time came (but it never did). She would send her clothes, etc., via snail mail to the monastery, so she just had to jump into the car when we went to pick her up.

Hubby had just come on the scene, and he said using a stick-shift car would be better. The Knights of Columbus even offered help. I discussed this with a pro-choice attorney, and she said "just take her to the bus station or the airport."

However, I didn't want to leave anything to chance. I even had the inspiration to have a front license plate made up with Jesus, Mary, & Joseph--and donkey--with "Small One" on it. For those who don't remember, "Small One" was the name of the donkey in one of the kiddie movies about the Nativity.

Go ahead--think I'm nuts. I'm a "fool for Christ's sake."

I think I managed to witness to Christ while having the plate made up. The girl who took the order didn't know Christ. The artist, however, did.

The license plate was so the nuns could look out the window and see that this was indeed the car to be expecting. I would've had the "Joseph and Mary" put the plate on the dashboard when they drove up to the convent.

AMDG.

Blessings,
Gemma

[stlmom]

[quote name='Gemma' post='995998' date='Jun 3 2006, 05:12 AM']

Which is why all this advice to be submissive steams me. It's your life, not hers. If I had been in your place, I would've exploded and told her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not.


Sorry to be such a bad example, but God's will comes first, not the world's.

Blessings,
Gemma
[/quote]


Dear phamily, I must disagree with Gemma's most recent posts here. None of us here knows just yet what God's will is for Zwergel88.


To Zwergel88:
What your mom did really makes me feel so bad for you; however, it would be equally WRONG to have a kneejerk-in your face reaction to her as well. Yes it is only a retreat and you are in the very beginning of discernment, not as if you are getting ready to move into the convent, so it sure doesn't make sense that she took those actions. Your time to take a stand will come if you still feel strongly about visiting these sisters.
Your mom seems so fearful and is in need of prayer too.
Are you an only child? That might explain why she wants to squash this aspiration to religious life. Would your mom be willing to talk to a priest or a friend or relative who might give her some perspective?

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='zwergel88' post='995729' date='Jun 2 2006, 10:36 PM']
Guys I'm probably just venting now, but I just have to keep complaining.

My mom e-mailed the Benedictines about me to make sure they knew that I was forbidden to go on the retreat. I'm totally mortified. I don't really think that it was her buisness to do this, I must be entitled to some kind of privacy.

This really smells of elderberries.
[/quote]


Know that your mom loves you, even though her words and actions may anger or frustrate you at the moment. A priest once mentioned in his homily about young women who gave themselves to God. He mentioned that it was a bit hard for the parents to let go. But he encouraged all parents at this Mass to understand it this way, if our daughters are ever called: That we [as the parents] have raised our daughters so well that God wanted her heart for Him alone.

Give it time. The nuns will most certainly look to your reactions in all of this as a test of your love and obedience. If your mother does not forbid writing to them, do so. If not, give her time. I am sure with a good spiritual director and prayers, things will work out. Perhaps she can even speak to a priest she is comfortable with?


With prayers!

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Gemma' date='Jun 3 2006, 06:12 AM' post='995998']
Which is why all this advice to be submissive steams me. It's your life, not hers. If I had been in your place, I would've exploded and told her what was going to happen, whether she liked it or not. Then I would've made arrangements to move in with friends. In fact, I had a "safe house" arranged in case my situation at home became untenable. "Catholics stealing her child" was her mantra.

[b]***Zwergl88...I will decline to answer any post that responds or posts that tries to launch a debate. I won't detract from the thread of your need for help and comfort. But my conscience wouldn't rest until I told you what you probably know: that there are better ways of interacting with your mom and better solutions than taking off for someone else's house.***[/b]


As a mother, I am outraged at this advice. Zwergl88 is a minor if I understand it correctly. Adults should [b]never[/b] encourage a minor to go against their parents in this manner. "Exploding" at her mother would have only convinced her mom that 1. She is too immature to know her calling and 2. Gotten her in even more trouble and probably grounded and miserable.

I am only guessing here, but I am assuming that zwergl88 is not 100% self-supporting financially or yet graduated. To feed her pipe-dreams of a going to a "safe-house" [aka running away] is not only irresponsible but could prove to be dangerous for this young woman.

When she is of adult age, then she can make plans and go about her life and discernment in a reasonable, clear-headed, and above all SAFE manner. By then, I am praying that her mother will have calmed and accepted the idea of her daughter's discernment. There's a few months there to dispel myths and to assure her mom of always, always being loved.

[Gemma]

Doesn't matter to me that moms are disagreeing with me. I realize as a mom myself that my boys have a calling in life, and it's up to me to help them find it. God put them here on this Earth to do a job that only they can do. They're 12 and 13 now, and the 12 year-old is bigger than I am.

Okay, so we don't know if God is actually calling Z88 to the convent.

Her mom's reactions struck a nerve with me, and brought back all kinds of nasty memories of my conversion process. A family counselor told my parents that if they believed that I was "saved" to let me convert. Pope JPII was in the U.S. that day. I mean what I say when I tell you to check the age of majority in her state. Age of majority means she is able to sign contracts without parental consent.

But, then again, if the moms here read my story, they'd roundly and soundly condemn me for how I did things. I'm autistic. I did the best I could. As an Aspie autistic, I'm bluntly honest. I see the path to take, and I will not be dissuaded. A girl can be rebellious against her parents, and a perfect saint in the convent. Sometimes parents have to have their attitudes adjusted--a new perspective given. "Get a grip. I know what I'm doing."

Look at Mother Angelica's flight to the convent.

You'll all probably be very offended by what I have to say next. You all sound like you're coming from "perfect" Catholic families. I know there's no such thing as "perfect," but compared to dysfunctional families like the one I grew up in, they are. I guess Z88 can email me off-board if she wishes. This'll be my last post for a while.

Blessings,
Gemma

[be_thou_my_vision]

I would talk to your mother and find out what bothers her about it. My mom, who is a very spiritual woman who trusts God, freaked out and still cries when I talk about the religious life. This will hurt your parents in some way, because growth hurts. I have discovered this, and we just have to trust the Lord.
If she still forbids you, ask her how long she will do this. My mom has forbidden me to enter a convent or get married until I am done with school. It is a sacrafice for me, but I am being obedient because I think Jesus speaks through my parents.
Pray for your mom and then ask her why she is forbiding you. You may be surprized.
Gemma, I totally respect your viewpoint. But I feel that if the Lord wants someone in a convent, he will get them there. If you fell in love at 17, you wouldn't get married just then... you would wait and discern until it made sense and you felt peace about it. Same thing with the convent.
This may be a cross for you dear but your mom will come around, and if she doesn't, God will open doors for you.
Hang in there.
God Bless You.