Phatmass Last Comic Standing Part 2

[bookofjohn]

Here's mine ^_^

One evening Jesus was taking a walk in a village. As he was walking he saw a crowd, surrounding a woman; preparing to stone her to death! So he went there, and he said: "Whoever has never sinned, may cast the first stone!"... As you might have expected, all of them dropped their stones. Just then an old lady, squeezed through the crowd, came up to the woman and threw a stone at her. And then Jesus exclaimed, "MOM!"..

haha..

Here's another! I "composed" this joke by accident. haha...

One day, Paul and Peter was at the National Catholic Charismatic Convention. While they were looking around the convention centre, looking surprised Paul said, "Oh my! I didn't know Uncle John smoked!". Peter(being sarcastic), replied "He must have learned that in the Catholic Charismatic Convention!". Paul with a disgusted look, rebuked Peter; saying "Peter! Do you know that in the Catholic Charismatic Convention, everyone is FILLED with the FIRE of the Holy Spirit!!".. Then Peter replied with a grin, "Well, i guess that's where he LIGHTED his cigarette!"... haha.

BookOfJohn

[track2004]

it smells like updog in this thread...

Ok. I'll take the bait (only bc I know the next line)

What's updog?

[cantstopdancin9]

I don't remember that joke... musta been gone...

Well let me tell it to ya! You see. This guys car breaks down in front a pink house. It has a pink fence, pink sidewalk, pink porch, pink everything... :rolling:

[Janana8706]

here's one, i think i might have posted it, but i'm not srue, newayz here is the "real" version THe last one was my memory.

Once a Baptist...

Jon Smith was the only Baptist to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Fri. of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Fri. of Lent. On the last Fri. of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to b done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Fri. of Lent, and the couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become Catholic. They took him to Church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptaion was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around, the first Fri. came and just as the neighborhood was sitting down to a tuna fish dinner, the scent of steak was "wandering" thru the neighborhood. They called up each other, and met at John's house, to see what was happening. They arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill w/ a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak saying, "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish"

[cantstopdancin9]

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

[Aloysius]

Here's mine ^_^

One evening Jesus was taking a walk in a village. As he was walking he saw a crowd, surrounding a woman; preparing to stone her to death! So he went there, and he said: "Whoever has never sinned, may cast the first stone!"... As you might have expected, all of them dropped their stones. Just then an old lady, squeezed through the crowd, came up to the woman and threw a stone at her. And then Jesus exclaimed, "MOM!"..

LOL!!! my priest used that one in a homily when we did that reading!!! :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

[cathgirl]

I got one!!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came

out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to

receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord

Amen."

[musturde]

I got one!!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came

out of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to

receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord

Amen."

Our teacher told this joke to us in class! I was gunna say it but you said it way better than I coulda :D

[Janana8706]

I like that joke, its cute

[geetarplayer]

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were playing golf one day. They got up to the 18th hole. Now, this hole was notorious for its huge water hazard. Moses went first. He swung his club at the ball but did not hit it far enough and it landed in the water. Moses simply put his staff into the lake, parted the water, walked across the sand and chipped his ball out of the water hazard and into the hole. Jesus hit his ball, but he had the same luck. Undaunted, Jesus walked out on the water, picked up the ball and hit it into the hole. The old man then feebly walked up to the tee and swung the club. The ball soared towards the water hazard, but just before it hit the water, a fish jumped out the of water and ate the ball. Then, just before the fish hit the water, an eagle caught the fish and picked it up. As it was carrying it away, lightning struck the eagle, and the eagle dropped the fish. The fish fell towards the earth and landed a few feet away from the hole. The fish opened its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish's mouth and dropped in the hole for an easy hole in one. Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Stop showing off, Dad."

-Mark

Edited January 3, 2004 by geetarplayer

[GodsThespianChic]

I've heard the golf one and Lent one...I heard the bear one in the version of the guy being chased by the shark...

All great jokes!

:rolling: :cyclops:

[cathgirl]

A blind man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

[cimlog]

Never go wrong with popsical stick jokes!!!

Why couldn't the glass fool anyone?

People could see right though him.

What animal should you never play cards with?

A cheetah.

Where are the biggest diamonds in america?

In baseball parks.

What do you call a trunk full of bison?

A buffa-load.

What did the calendar maker name his daughters?

April, May & June.

What runs all over town but never comes inside?

The street.

What did the hockey player do when the thief demanded money?

He gave him a check.

What do whales spread on their toast?

Jellyfish.

What do you call someone who is crazy about hot chocolate?

A cocoa-nut.

Why is a rabbit's nose shiny?

His powder puff is at the other end.

Why is it easy to weigh fish?

They come with their own scales.

How do you cool off at a football game?

Stand beside a fan.

What is at the end of everything?

The letter G.

Why is a sinking ship like a prisoner?

They both need bailing out.

What bird is like a gulp?

A swallow.

What man drives his customers away?

A taxi driver.

Why can you always believe a ruler?

It's on the level.

What did the violin say to the harp?

May I string along with you.

Why is a heart like a policeman?

They both have a beat.

What is fastest - heat or cold?

Heat. You an catch a cold.

Why is a baseball like a cake?

Both depend on the batter.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs.

What's green and jumps a mile a minute?

A grasshopper with hic-cups.

What do you call a train carrying caramels?

A chew chew train.

What lies on the ground with 100 feet up?

A centipede on it's back.

What kind of animal has red spots?

A leopard with measles.

What was the math book's complain?

He had too many problems.

How is the eye doctor like a teacher?

Both test pupils.

What does a bankrupt frog say?

Broak! Broak!

How do you get a mouse to fly?

Buy it an airplane ticket.

What's always behind time?

The back of a clock.

Where do bees wait to be picked up?

At the buzz stop.

How do you catch a squirrel?

Act like a nut.

What two words have the most letters?

Post Office.

What kind of house weighs next to nothing?

A lighthouse.

What milk makes you blink?

Past-eur-ized.

What is a sound sleeper?

Someone who snores?

What runs but can't walk?

Water.

What letter is a vegetable?

P.

Why did the man call the dentist?

He was aching to meet him.

When does a fire flare up?

When it's bellowed at.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk.

What's the easiest way to get on TV?

Sit on the set.

Why do elephants all have grey trunks?

They belong to the same swimming club.

Why did the girl sit on her watch?

She wanted to be on time.

Why did the bed spring?

It felt the pillow slip.

What do books carry when they aren't home?

Pagers.

What has four legs but only one foot?

A bed.

Where do fish wash?

In a river basin.

Why did the sunbeam?

Because it saw the skylark.

What's a caterpillar crossed with a parrot?

A walkie talkie.

Where does a 2,000 lb gorilla sleep?

Anywhere it wants to.

How do you get in touch with a fish?

Drop them a line.

What is dark but made out of light?

A shadow.

When is a car like a frog?

When it's being towed.

Which animals have to be oiled?

Mice, because they squeak.

What instruments do insects play?

Humbug.

What is hard to beat?

A drum with a hole in it.

What do you do with a blue monster?

Try and cheer him up.

How do you make an egg roll?

Push it.

How does a bird land in an emergency?

By sparrow chute.

What's black, white, and red?

A skunk with a rash.

How do you cut the ocean in two?

With a sea-saw.

Why did the fireplace call the doctor?

The chimney had the flu.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.

What do baby apes sleep in?

Apricots.

What's the biggest ant of all?

The elephant.

Why didn't the horse draw a cart?

It couldn't hold a pencil.

How do small people travel?

In a mini van.

What did the macaroni say to the tomato?

Don't get saucy with me.

What has spots and rides on a fire truck?

A fireman with the measles.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

What kind of license does a dentist have?

A license to fill.

What's full of holes but still holds water?

A sponge.

What's more dangerous than pulling out a shark's tooth?

Giving a porcupine a back rub.

What magic spell turns you into a dinosaur?

The tyrannosaurs hex.

What washes up on really small beaches?

Microwaves.

What kind of phone does a turtle have?

A shell-ular phone.

How can you spot a dogwood tree?

By its bark.

How did the soldier fit his tank into his house?

It was a fish tank.

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

What do you call a really funny snake?

Hiss-terical.

What kind of license does a pharmacist have?

A license to pill.

What did the bug say when it was stepped on?

Nothing; bugs can't talk.

When is a pillow like a mug of root beer?

When it has a head on it.

What did the breeze say to the screen?

Just passing through.

Why did the annoying exterminator lose his job?

He bugged his boss.

What do you call someone who treats a sick duck?

Quack Doctor.

What gets colder as it warms up?

An air conditioner.

What happened to the cow who went for a drive?

He got a moo-ving violation.

What do cobras study in college?

Hiss-tory.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

It had a virus.

What were the two talkative computers doing?

They were having a disc-cussion.

What is dark but made out of light?

A shadow.

Why wouldn't the oyster give anyone his pearl?

He was shellfish.

What do you call bread made by a bison?

A Buffa-Loaf.

Why did the computer go to the chiropractor?

It had a sliped disc.

How do you avoid ticks on your pets?

Don't let them wear a watch.

What do you give a snake with allergies?

Anit-hiss-tamines.

What do you call someone who is crazy about hot chocolate?

A cocoa nut.

What can lizards do that snakes can't?

Stretch their legs.

What has a bed but never sleeps?

A river.

What do you say to a tent with a split personality?

You're two tents.

What did the leaves name their son?

Russell.

What do you call a lazy bison?

A buffa-loafer.

What do you call a flying turtle?

Shellicopter.

What do cows do for fun?

Go to the moo-vies.

What's more dangerous than pulling out a shark's tooth?

Giving a porcupine a back rub.

What's the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

What gets colder as it warms up?

An air conditioner.

Why couldn't the glass fool anyone?

They could see right through him.

Why was the lamp flunking his classes?

He wasn't very bright.

What's the saddest tree?

A weeping willow.

What do you call a really funny snake?

Hiss-terical.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

I've got you covered.

What keys can't you put in a lock?

Piano keys.

What do you call bread made by a bison?

A bufa-loaf.

What do cobras study in college?

Hiss-tory.

What happened to the cow who went for a drive?

He got a moo-ving violation.

Where should you put your TV?

In a remote area.

Why did the driver throw money in the street?

So she could stop on a dime.

What kind of a horse never wins a race?

A sawhorse.

What did the snowman and his wife hang over their baby's crib?

A snow mobile.

How did the farmer transport his cows?

A moo-ving van.

Why did the pig want to be an actor?

He was a big ham.

How did the skunk call home?

On his smell-ular phone.

How do porcupines talk?

Spine language.

Why did the book join the police?

So he could work undercover.

What do pigs put into their computers?

Sloppy Discs.

What did the digital clock say to his mother?

Look ma, no hands.

What do bees use to cut wood?

Buzz saws.

Why was the computer proud?

It had made an important disc-covery.

What do you say to a tent with a split personality?

You're two tents.

What time is it when seven hungry lions are chasing you?

Seven after one.

What did the hungry computer say?

I could sure go for a byte.

What key won't open any door?

A donkey.

What's everyone doing at the same time but at different rates?

Growing older.

What time is it when you're out of ice cream?

Time to get more ice cream.

Who does a dog quarterback throw to?

A labrador receiver.

Who lives in a sand castle?

A sand witch.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

Any dog - a building can't jump.

Who granted the fish's wish?

Its fairy codmother.

What kind of animal hates doing laundry?

A leopard. Because he has lots of spots.

What did the mountain name his son?

Cliff.

What's the best wat to prevent fish from smelling?

Plug their noses.

Where do bees go on their day off?

The wax museum.

Who granted the monster's wish?

His scary godmother.

What did the grape do when the fat man stepped on it?

It gave out a little wine.

What did the beachcomber name his daughter?

Sandy.

Why was the picture sent to jail?

It was framed.

Why did the annoying exterminator loose his job?

He bugged his boss.

What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buffa-loan.

What did the hamburgers name their daughter?

Patty.

What did the dentist give the marching band?

A tuba toothpaste.

What building has the most stories?

The library.

What's the difference between an actor and a baker?

An actor has roles, a baker has rolls.

Where do books sleep?

Under their covers.

What did the painter name his son?

Art.

What did the cook name his son?

Stu.

What has wheels and a trunk but no engine?

An elephant on roller blades.

What did the lawyer name her daughter?

Sue.

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?

Behind the plate.

How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?

It was a fish tank.

Why was the book in the hospital?

Because it hurt its spine.

When is a theater Clumsy?

When the Curtain Falls.

Do I win?

[cathgirl]

Those are funny!!!!!

I got another one for all those french hornists like myself:

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

[cathgirl]

Another one of my favorite band jokes

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8.

Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.