I attempted suicide

[jasJis]

Cath. It's true. God is giving you signs to let you know He is with you. Watch for them. It can be people, or just their words. If you miss a sign, He will provide another, and another, and another. We don't know all His reasons why, but it's what He wants to do and what He promised.

[dspen2005]

oh my... can someone get a priest for this poor soul???

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Theologian in Training' post='957333' date='Apr 22 2006, 05:34 PM']Kind of sounds like Job who cursed his life, but he stuck it out, and in the end it resulted in great prosperity.

Also, we are all sinners, even the greatest saints were some of the greatest sinners, offending him constantly. Yet they persevered and never stopped. Perhaps the challenge is not to look upon what you seem to perceive as a horribly sinful life, but to offer that struggle knowing that God will reward you for that. He does not ask for more than we can handle.[/quote]please listen to theo


[quote name='Birgitta Noel' post='957344' date='Apr 22 2006, 05:45 PM']Despair is the greatest weapon Satan has. If he can convince us that we are not good enough, that we will never be able to love as we should, etc. HE WINS. DON'T LET HIM WIN. Tell him to GO TO HELL. Yes, I'm serious.[/quote]agreed, i have been through this before.

we love you and we are praying for you!

[Fidei Defensor]

I love you

My heart pains for you, because in a way, I know how you feel.

Be not afraid! Mary, your loving Mother, will embrace you and take you by the hand to Jesus. Rest your head upon him and let him love you, because no matter what, he always will.

[cappie]

The Church concludes the Octave of Easter by inviting us to reflect on St. John's unique account of Easter night
The apostles, who had deserted Jesus on Good Friday, except for John, are locked in a room out of fear that what happened to Jesus will now happen to them. The apostles at this moment had to be profoundly aware of their weakness The crisis of Good Friday had revealed their weakness and cowardice.

They may well have expected to hear Jesus express his disappointment in them. Instead, at the moment when they are so aware of their weakness, Jesus empowers them to forgive sins.

Jesus has chosen this moment well. It is abundantly clear that the authority and the power to continue Jesus' ministry of mercy are not given to the apostles because of their perfection or moral strength.

[b]This is an important lesson that the Church needs to relearn in every age. Our Christian faith is not about human beings achieving perfection through discipline and self-mastery. The heart of the Gospel of Jesus is the power of the mercy of God to transform the weak and sinful heart.[/b] :

[djc08]

This sounds a little ridiculous...well not really...but I was thinking about suicide a while ago...it was wierd...i didn't even really want to die...i just thought about it...but I was a little depressed and when I talked to my friend about it he said that this is what he did...He would get out his Bible and read some of the Gospels...it always made him feel better and it works for me know too...Read some of the Scriptures that really show Jesus' and God's love for his people and how His people (us) try to give back that love...Maybe Cappie or Theo In Training can give us some specific scriptures.

Think about this. Everything comes from God...so from that statement all Love comes from God. So the love God gives his people is ours from God. And everything of God's is so powerful and beautiful. So just the little bit of love that we are capable of giving back to God is ten million times the amount of love we would be able to give from ourselves because nothing comes from us it comes from God. I think I just kind of cofused myself...lol. God Loves and You Love God Because God Loves You!

Love,
Daniel

[blovedwolfofgod]

you are in my prayers Cathurian. daily. until i know i can stop.

[photosynthesis]

I don't really know what to say at the moment, except that I've been there and I am praying for you.

I know you can come out of this. It is possible, and with God's help you will. Because He wants you to fully experience His love to ways you can't even imagine. He has an amazing plan for your life!

Even now, he can make something good come out of your suffering. He would NEVER allow it to happen unless something good can come out of it. That is the beauty of Christ's resurrection--good always conquers evil, life conquers death, holiness conquers sin. He rose from the dead so that you can have life within your soul, and I will pray that you experience the Resurrection in your own life this Easter.

[peach_cube]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957400' date='Apr 22 2006, 08:31 PM']
I was put on Zoloft as a medication FOR anxiety. I had really bad anxiety before I started taking it. Yes, generalized...

But I'm particularly afraid of God. I've had panic attacks during Mass and broke out in hives. I often have to fight the urge to run out of the room. I've broken down sobbing. It's awful; I'm TERRIFIED of Him, and I have no idea why.
[/quote]

Right. I just meant that some times side effects of anti-anxiety drugs are that they can actually increase anxiety. If you feel an increase in a particular anxiety or your anxiety is now manifesting itself in a different way then you could be having negative side effects. Just be careful and keep tabs on what you're feeling as that will help the psychiatrist help you better.

As far as your fear of God, it is completely understandable. Just remember that we here care about you and love you. You have my prayers.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957418' date='Apr 22 2006, 08:43 PM']
I'm already seeing a psychiatrist.

I just don't understand God.
[/quote]
A psychiatrist will probably not help with that particular problem.

What you need is a good spiritual director.

[quote name='cappie' post='957474' date='Apr 22 2006, 09:14 PM']
The Church concludes the Octave of Easter by inviting us to reflect on St. John's unique account of Easter night
The apostles, who had deserted Jesus on Good Friday, except for John, are locked in a room out of fear that what happened to Jesus will now happen to them. The apostles at this moment had to be profoundly aware of their weakness The crisis of Good Friday had revealed their weakness and cowardice.

They may well have expected to hear Jesus express his disappointment in them. Instead, at the moment when they are so aware of their weakness, Jesus empowers them to forgive sins.

Jesus has chosen this moment well. It is abundantly clear that the authority and the power to continue Jesus' ministry of mercy are not given to the apostles because of their perfection or moral strength.

[b]This is an important lesson that the Church needs to relearn in every age. Our Christian faith is not about human beings achieving perfection through discipline and self-mastery. The heart of the Gospel of Jesus is the power of the mercy of God to transform the weak and sinful heart.[/b] :
[/quote]
Amen! Thank you, Father. Words for the ears of every heart.

[Donna]

Cathurian,

I agree with you: it is impossible to let God take care of letting Him love us when we have panic attacks and break out in hives/sweats and are forced to flee Mass. Or at least it seems that way. Because something's wrong physically, with the brain and/or body - panic attacks aren't normal.

It will take time, I think, to recover from your illness. Grace is built upon nature, and when nature (the physical/mental) is going through a hurricane, then nature is the first thing to be dealt with. That's God taking care of you....trying to find the right meds and all that to help you recover from anxiety. As you recover from this, grace will have "more" to attach itself to, or you'll be more "aware" of grace.

I strongly suspect also that the terror of God/sinning is an actual spiritual malady called *scruples*. This comes from the Latin word "pebble" and it is a soul's INABILITY to RIGHTLY JUDGE themselves - specifically, the soul takes a "pebble" of a sin and makes it into a mountain. It can be relentless and totally debilitating. The temptations can be so violent so as to render the soul convinced it is totally depraved.

Many saints were afflicted with this - St. Alphonsus Ligouri, while having the gift of healing miracles, who was head of the Redemptorist Order and director of many souls', couldn't do ONE THING for himself.

If you are judged as scrupulous by a knowledgable confessor, the main remedy is obedience to that director. Souls have been instructed to go to Communion by confessors...because they'd convince themselves they were sinning mortally left and right the second they left the confessional. For the scrupulous soul the examination of conscience is poison.

I will invoke St. Alphonsus about all of this.

Your best course of action is to COMMUNICATE with your parents, psychiatrist and spiritual director about what is happening. As a mother, please believe me that doing this honors God (and your parents) very much. Yes, telling them of the attempt and all the awful things, YES, this is honoring your God, because it will help you keep getting help to recover.

[salveregina]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957320' date='Apr 22 2006, 06:23 PM']
But it's IMPOSSIBLE to let Him take care of that!

Isn't it just such a terrible thought to think that we'll be offending Him constantly until death? I would rather just not exist. I can't bear the thought of it. I know He disagrees and wants me to exist, which means I'm STILL offending Him right now, and not assenting my will to His.

The thought of going through the rest of my life in a horrible state of falling again and again makes me just want to die; it's such a horrible thought I want to worship satan out of spite, because God makes NO SENSE and at the very least I know how to be a slave. I can do that. That's straightforward.
[/quote]


Okay, as someone who has plenty of experience with this type of thing (in many arenas), I understand what you're feeling and know it's terribly painful. However, think once on this: your say something about how offending God until death is unbearable...well, if God made you, and God loves you, and He wants you to be happy, and He sent His son for you, to redeem you so you can be with Him forever etc. (you know all of this), then why would it be a good idea to relieve yourself from the pain you're causing God by killing the beautiful creation that He made with His hands to know, love and serve Him? Why would that make God happier than the even the smallest of sins a just man might commit daily? God wants you here until He calls you home. He has something in store for you, specifically, that no one else can do. There are hearts for you to touch, people for you to love, and a God who made you to enjoy the life you've been given. Despair in the face of scrupulosity does not go hand in hand with the ultimate outpouring of love that Christ showed us on the cross. If we believe in a God that would undergo pain, hatred, mockery and death, and then rise, as He had promised...we can be assured of His mercy and love!
This might be difficult to grasp in the midst of such anxiety and pain, but chew on it as best you can. Take it little by little. And remember a quote by Mother Teresa: "We are called upon not to be successful but to be faithful." It's not about being perfect in everything we try to do. It's trying, falling, admitting failure, and getting back up to try again. That's faithfulness. And that's what we're called to.

And yes, get yourself a spiritual director, too. Psychiatry is peachy and all, but science can only do so much. We are body AND soul. Help that soul out, too, okay?

[luciana]

[quote] will invoke St. Alphonsus about all of this.

Your best course of action is to COMMUNICATE with your parents, psychiatrist and spiritual director about what is happening. As a mother, please believe me that doing this honors God (and your parents) very much. Yes, telling them of the attempt and all the awful things, YES, this is honoring your God, because it will help you keep getting help to recover.[/quote]

Prayers for you tonight and as long as necessary

I know how you feel in part. Panic attacks are hard to deal with, and it'll take time. I didn't need medicine but I know someone who did, and you got to check out about any side effects.

Yes, definitely talk to your parents again, maybe you need help w/ your medicine, and/or to see a good priest or spiritual director, counselor

In the meantime, pray. Pray the rosary, it can be very calming. Pray and know that your pham is praying for you and care for you.
Know that God loves you more than you can imagine. It's true we're not worth of His love. His love is like a parent's for their child, but much deeper. Our human love is only a small reflection of that.

Don't be afraid!!!
"Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7
See yourself laying on Jesus' breast, him holding you and you telling Him all your probs. and fears.
Go to Mary our heavenly Mother and ask for help like your earthly mother's.

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Raphael' post='957710' date='Apr 23 2006, 12:51 AM']
A psychiatrist will probably not help with that particular problem.

What you need is a good spiritual director.
Amen! Thank you, Father. Words for the ears of every heart.
[/quote]

May I respectfully disagree? When someone is truly depressed...professionals and family is key to healing. Cath is a [b] whole [/b] person. The physical, emotional, mental and spiritual cannot be placed in tidy seperate boxes. Cath's suffering affects everything in his/her life at the moment.

[b][note here: there is no disrespect meant in talking about Cathurian's struggles. I know that Cathurian is a person...not an inanimate object to be bounced around in conversation. I do care Cathurian!][/b]

I often talk about it this way...if someone had high blood presure would anyone tell them to toss their medication and just pray? If someone has diabetes would one tell them to stop the injections and find a good spiritual director? Just as we recognize that these are real conditions that require treatment, so must we recognize that mental conditions [those chemical imbalances of the brain] also need treatment.

It is not about choosing between God or the treatment. When one who suffers from mental conditions receives treatment, he has LIFE. A life lived, is a life for God. As I tell people: I keep a prayer in my heart and my medication in my hand. I have both...together.

I hope your day is a good and joyful one
Mary-Kathryn

[phuzzy]

[quote name='Raphael' post='957316' date='Apr 22 2006, 05:18 PM']
Jennie and I are deeply in love[/quote]

Oh, good work my boy. Heed my advice and you do well.