Cathurian Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 I'm actually on medication for anxiety right now. 100 mg of Zoloft. I'm still depressed and anxious and scared of God. I hate myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philothea Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957329' date='Apr 22 2006, 06:31 PM'] Why would a loving God make people who will sin until they die with no hope of ever returning His love as they should? [/quote] Because trust and mercy are better than perfection and judgment. Of course God could make perfect creatures who loved Him perfectly all the time. He did already: angels. I often think it would be much cooler to be an angel and not deal with all this being a sinful piece of dirt garbage. But what do I know? (Not much.) Jesus didn't die to save the angels. He didn't stoop to their level and become their kind and heal and adopt and have pity on them. No, God doesn't like it when we sin. But He is very pleased when we trust in His mercy and ask Him for forgiveness, and when we are humble and patient with our own failings. It kinda seems like He likes that better than He likes simple perfection. After all, He could make any one of us perfect in an instant, if He preferred that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thy Geekdom Come Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957362' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:55 PM'] I'm actually on medication for anxiety right now. 100 mg of Zoloft. I'm still depressed and anxious and scared of God. I hate myself. [/quote] "Let the whole man tremble with fear, let the whole world quake, and let heaven exult, when Jesus Christ is upon the altar in the hand of the priest! O admirable height and stupendous dignity! O sublime humility! O humble sublimity, that the Lord of the universe, God and the Son of God, so humbles Himself, that for our salvation, He hides Himself under the modest little form of bread! See, brothers, the humility of God and pour out your hearts before Him; humble also yourselves, so that you may be exalted by Him. Therefore [b]keep nothing of yourselves for yourselves, so that He may receive you whole, who reveals Himself wholly to you.[/b]" -St. Francis of Assisi, Letter to the Entire Order That means your self-hatred too, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Theoketos Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 We love you Cathurian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatcatholic Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 this thread has been helpful for me too. i love you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peach_cube Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957362' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:55 PM'] I'm actually on medication for anxiety right now. 100 mg of Zoloft. I'm still depressed and anxious and scared of God. I hate myself. [/quote] A side effect of Zoloft is anxiety. What is the nature of your anxiety? Generalized or specific, such as social anxiety? My sister takes zoloft for bipolar disorder and it gives her a generalized anxiety. A very close firend has had anxiety issues for at least 10 years and has been on most things. She does find the amino acid tryptophan to helpful for sleeping and lessening her anxiety though. Prayers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathurian Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 I was put on Zoloft as a medication FOR anxiety. I had really bad anxiety before I started taking it. Yes, generalized... But I'm particularly afraid of God. I've had panic attacks during Mass and broke out in hives. I often have to fight the urge to run out of the room. I've broken down sobbing. It's awful; I'm TERRIFIED of Him, and I have no idea why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLAM Dad Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 I love you too. But in the end, that really doesn't mean anything. All that matters is this... Jesus loves you. He loves you and He forgives all those seeking forgiveness. You'll be in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary-Kathryn Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957307' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:00 PM'] I took off my scapular, blasphemed, and attempted suicide, just to make sure I'd go to hell when I died. Except I told a friend, who called my mom, and she came in and stopped me. Yes, I've been to Confession about that. The thing is, I am so frustrated. God is love? That makes NO SENSE AT ALL. None. Zero. But what I really don't understand is why such a loving God would even create me. God is love. He loves me. I am a sinner and I cannot love Him back as I should. No matter, He loves me anyway. But until the day I die, I will sin. It's inevitable; it's impossible to stop. Oh, I know, you have to trust in God to help you stop sinning. Except we're sinners, and trusting to God to help you stop sinning completely is impossible too. We're all going to sin for the rest of our lives, again and again and again. There is no hope. Yes, my sins are all forgiven and forgotten, and He loves me despite them. BUT I CANNOT LOVE HIM BACK. I am stuck in this horrible awful state of sin, stuck offending my God every single day, and condemned to never be able to love Him as I should. For the *rest of my life*. WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT? *WHY* would a loving God create us? That makes no sense! He knew we'd be in this state all our lives! I want to die. I can't stand existing. I hate myself and apparently, somehow, the way things work is loving and I'm just an idiot and don't get it, and I don't love God because He makes no sense. [/quote] What you need right now, more than the words of any post here, is to be under the care of professionals. Attempting suicide is a very loud call for help. I hear you. Get with a doctor/therapist and see what the best course of action is for you right NOW. You are suffering terribly and there are doctors out there who truly want to help you. Again, I think the best option for you is to have the support and care of family and professionals. Please let your Mom know of how you are feeling. You are talking to all of us, and we care more than you know. Now, I want you to share your first post with your Mom...Do you think you can go and do that right now? I know you can do it. We are all roooting for you and I am keeping you close in prayer. Please, go talk to your mom. Mary-Kathryn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birgitta Noel Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Mary-Kathryn' post='957407' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:35 PM'] What you need right now, more than the words of any post here, is to be under the care of professionals. Attempting suicide is a very loud call for help. I hear you. Get with a doctor/therapist and see what the best course of action is for you right NOW. You are suffering terribly and there are doctors out there who truly want to help you. Again, I think the best option for you is to have the support and care of family and professionals. Please let your Mom know of how you are feeling. You are talking to all of us, and we care more than you know. Now, I want you to share your first post with your Mom...Do you think you can go and do that right now? I know you can do it. We are all roooting for you and I am keeping you close in prayer. Please, go talk to your mom. Mary-Kathryn [/quote] what she said! Go! Now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLAM Dad Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957400' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:31 PM'] I was put on Zoloft as a medication FOR anxiety. I had really bad anxiety before I started taking it. Yes, generalized... But I'm particularly afraid of God. I've had panic attacks during Mass and broke out in hives. I often have to fight the urge to run out of the room. I've broken down sobbing. It's awful; I'm TERRIFIED of Him, and I have no idea why. [/quote] Fear of the Lord is a virtue, but not terror. Respect Him, honor Him, ask for His mercy but don't be terrified of Him. Think of the person in this world that you feel the most comfortable around, somebody that you can open your heart to and that you know will love you, but also somebody that despite the love will tell you when he/she thinks you've gone astray. Jesus is this person and so much more. He loves you unconditionally. He forgives you unconditionally. Don't be so proud that you can't accept His love and forgiveness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathurian Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. I just don't understand God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Adam Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 That makes for both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cow of Shame Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Funny that you should focus completely on the negative. Do you think God created beings that would only bring him constant sorry and pain? You think that we don't bring him joy, even with our flaws? Personally, I'm against the idea of a divine masochist.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortnun Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 [quote name='Cathurian' post='957418' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:43 PM'] I'm already seeing a psychiatrist. I just don't understand God. [/quote] Do you have a sprititual director? Is your psychiatrist willing to talk about God in your sessions? Prayers of strength and clarity of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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