I attempted suicide

[Cathurian]

I took off my scapular, blasphemed, and attempted suicide, just to make sure I'd go to hell when I died. Except I told a friend, who called my mom, and she came in and stopped me.

Yes, I've been to Confession about that.

The thing is, I am so frustrated. God is love? That makes NO SENSE AT ALL. None. Zero. But what I really don't understand is why such a loving God would even create me.

God is love. He loves me. I am a sinner and I cannot love Him back as I should. No matter, He loves me anyway. But until the day I die, I will sin. It's inevitable; it's impossible to stop. Oh, I know, you have to trust in God to help you stop sinning. Except we're sinners, and trusting to God to help you stop sinning completely is impossible too. We're all going to sin for the rest of our lives, again and again and again. There is no hope.

Yes, my sins are all forgiven and forgotten, and He loves me despite them. BUT I CANNOT LOVE HIM BACK. I am stuck in this horrible awful state of sin, stuck offending my God every single day, and condemned to never be able to love Him as I should. For the *rest of my life*.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT? *WHY* would a loving God create us? That makes no sense! He knew we'd be in this state all our lives!

I want to die. I can't stand existing. I hate myself and apparently, somehow, the way things work is loving and I'm just an idiot and don't get it, and I don't love God because He makes no sense.

[jasJis]

Hello. Nobody ever stops sinning. That's the point.
We never love God enough, that's the point.

Those who say they give God everything they should are liars that are killing you and killing themselves. I understand your anger, you're just angry at the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

Is your family helping you get more help?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

I've been having a lot of troubles with God's love lately, too. You see, I was raised by parents who didn't really support me in what I did, who made me feel like I could do nothing right, and by "friends" who considered me a loser and a failure. By the time I was 13, I was used to standing in front of the mirror with a knife to my neck.

What I've come to realize is that the very fact that we exist proves that He loves us. A God who is not loving makes no sense. Why would a loving God make us? It only makes sense if He wants us to be blessed for eternity.

I had learned to hate myself and expect failure so much that it was how I defined myself...as stupid, fat, a troll, etc. Yet...I didn't want to fail...I wanted to succeed...I wanted to be loved...we all do...but failing was the only way I was comfortable...I thought I was a failure, so when I didn't fail, it felt like I'd gotten something wrong, and that wasn't comfortable...so I developed scruples because I wanted to see failure in everything I did...so that I could give up and finally be at peace. Despair...suicide...we think these bring peace...we think they end the pain...but they don't. They help us mask the pain, yes, or at least keep others from seeing it, because we no longer struggle to do good.

You have to remember that God knows we won't be perfect. We can never love Him as He loves us...but that's okay...He made us that way. Humility is accepting yourself as God meant you to be...be humble and stop trying to love God as much as He loves you.

I will point to St. Louis de Montfort, who when he died had battled Satan his whole life and fallen, of course, often. His last words were: "I am between Jesus and Mary. I shall not sin again." He was humble enough to let himself be loved and to acknowledge that He was not perfect in this life...He didn't try to be...he simply had hope for the next life. Our hope will not be let down if we truly hope.

St. John says that we love Christ because He loved us first. You must pray to see His love for you and then you will start to love Him more. Until you realize that your Creator died and rose for love of you, you will not see Him the proper way.

Know that He wants a real relationship with us. He is far more concerned with having a real relationship with us as we really are at that moment, although striving to become better, than He is in having us perfected in this life. Jennie and I are deeply in love, but there isn't a day that goes by that we don't do something to bug, annoy, sadden, or frustrate the other. Real relationships in this life are not perfect. God knows that. God also knows how much you want to be perfect. Let Him take care of that and let Him love you.

"Nothing pleases God more than when a soul is confident in His love." -St. Catherine of Sienna

[Cathurian]

But it's IMPOSSIBLE to let Him take care of that!

Isn't it just such a terrible thought to think that we'll be offending Him constantly until death? I would rather just not exist. I can't bear the thought of it. I know He disagrees and wants me to exist, which means I'm STILL offending Him right now, and not assenting my will to His.

The thought of going through the rest of my life in a horrible state of falling again and again makes me just want to die; it's such a horrible thought I want to worship satan out of spite, because God makes NO SENSE and at the very least I know how to be a slave. I can do that. That's straightforward.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957320' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:23 PM']
But it's IMPOSSIBLE to let Him take care of that!

Isn't it just such a terrible thought to think that we'll be offending Him constantly until death? I would rather just not exist. I can't bear the thought of it. I know He disagrees and wants me to exist, which means I'm STILL offending Him right now, and not assenting my will to His.

The thought of going through the rest of my life in a horrible state of falling again and again makes me just want to die; it's such a horrible thought I want to worship satan out of spite, because God makes NO SENSE and at the very least I know how to be a slave. I can do that. That's straightforward.
[/quote]
God loves you. Love isn't supposed to make sense...love is something that only makes sense when it is freely given regardless of what one deserves.

The only question that matters to you is: will you accept that love?

[Cathurian]

Why would a loving God make people who will sin until they die with no hope of ever returning His love as they should?

[Balthazor]

You need to really look into Divine Mercy.

[Theologian in Training]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957320' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:23 PM']
But it's IMPOSSIBLE to let Him take care of that!

Isn't it just such a terrible thought to think that we'll be offending Him constantly until death? I would rather just not exist. I can't bear the thought of it. I know He disagrees and wants me to exist, which means I'm STILL offending Him right now, and not assenting my will to His.

The thought of going through the rest of my life in a horrible state of falling again and again makes me just want to die; it's such a horrible thought I want to worship satan out of spite, because God makes NO SENSE and at the very least I know how to be a slave. I can do that. That's straightforward.
[/quote]

Kind of sounds like Job who cursed his life, but he stuck it out, and in the end it resulted in great prosperity.

Also, we are all sinners, even the greatest saints were some of the greatest sinners, offending him constantly. Yet they persevered and never stopped. Perhaps the challenge is not to look upon what you seem to perceive as a horribly sinful life, but to offer that struggle knowing that God will reward you for that. He does not ask for more than we can handle.

[Socrates]

Never mind.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Cathurian' post='957329' date='Apr 22 2006, 07:31 PM']
Why would a loving God make people who will sin until they die with no hope of ever returning His love as they should?
[/quote]
In Baptism, we are incorporated into Christ, who gives His love to the Father. The Father, of course, loves Christ completely. Therefore, we are incorporated into the Trinitarian cycle of love. That bond of love within the Trinity is the Holy Spirit. Therefore, because of Baptism, it is in and through the Holy Spirit that we love God. As St. Paul says, it is the Holy Spirit which prays in us. It is also, therefore, the Holy Spirit which loves in us. If you wish to love God, you must allow Him to love you and you must humble yourself so that you may become a channel for the Holy Spirit to work the love of the Trinity. You are entirely correct that you cannot love God as He deserves...but you and Jesus can...you and the Holy Spirit can...your sins do not keep you from being able to love, so long as you are incorporated into Christ (in the state of grace).

[Birgitta Noel]

My Dear, I hesitate to even post this as it may sound like a bunch of useless platitudes and the like, but it is true.

You are a beautiful child of God, and are created in His image. He didn't create us to sin, He created us to love, but He gave us free will.

Yes, sometimes we sin. But Christ ALWAYS forgives. He is always ready to shower us in mercy and love. Do not despair of this.

Despair is the greatest weapon Satan has. If he can convince us that we are not good enough, that we will never be able to love as we should, etc. HE WINS. DON'T LET HIM WIN. Tell him to GO TO HELL. Yes, I'm serious.

Oh, I wish I knew how to explain all of this to you and how to help you to trust in His love and mercy.


Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you. I love you, don't give up.

My penance tonight was to pray for someone in need and someone struggling. I want you to know that you will be that someone. Tonight and for as long as you need to be.

[Brother Adam]

We love you Cathurian.

[Balthazor]

Don't dispair.
God did not make us to sin.
God made us to love.
He gives us free will to choose Him, to love Him and to do the best we can. This does not mean we will ever be perfect of our accord. This does not mean that won't ever fall.
You mentioned that you are offending God right now..well I have to say you probably are offending Him. But that is only because you do not trust Him enough to beleive that there is Hope in Christ! Hope for new life, hope for happiness and hope for love! And freedom from sin.
This life is soooo short Carthurian. It is so short. We are promised eternity with Christ. Just get through now as best you can, with as much love and trust as you can muster. And realize that even though you will sin and sin again....it is only for this world. YOu still have an eternity after that to spend in love and freedom.
There is no sinning in heaven. I do not believe it is possible.
So there is your hope.

I said that you should check out the divine mercy.....you should. Christ gives us His mercy...it is free, no strings attatched. And yes It really is that easy.

[God the Father]

OH NO YOU DINN'T

[MRSannie]

I don't know your situation specifically, but my 14 yr old daughter is fighting depression right now, and she sounds a lot like you. Satan wants us discouraged and hopeless. He will use anything, even illness, to try to turn us from God. Depression is a physical illness, and Satan can use it. Seek help for the depression also. THere is nothing shameful in it or 'trendy' or whatever. It is REAL.