chastity is so very difficult!

[Moosey]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Apr 10 2006, 04:37 AM']If I've been scarce for the past few weeks, it's because A LOT has been on my mind.  Particularly, there's this guy that I REALLY like.

- he loves Jesus, the Church and Our Lady
- he really wants to get married and have a BIG family
- he has traditional ideas about marriage + family
- he's an acolyte in the indult Latin Mass
- he loves to cook
- he flirts with me in Latin

And he is also absolutely smitten with me.  In fact, today he asked me to be his girlfriend, which is weird for me because I haven't dated in 3 years, since before my reconciliation with the Catholic Church.  But it's also exciting, since he is such a great guy!
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Oh congratulations! How blessed you are!

[quote name='Luthien' date='Apr 10 2006, 11:54 AM']If you are truely are commited to living chastely, you won't struggle horrendously with keeping eachother pure. The mere thought of hurting eachothers virtue makes you want to weep. Pray always, give your relationship to God, and set bounderies. Make them clear, Im sure he won't object if he is as awesome as you say he is.

I must say, being in a relationship with a really hardcore Catholic has made chastity much more enjoyable to endure. The sufferimg is a joy, not a hardship. I remember being in relationships before where I was the only one commited to being pure, it was awful, because I always felt like carp for resisting their advances, though I do not regret it in the least. In my current relationship, chasitity is so important, and it has been the most freeing thing I've experienced.

Pray always, fast, and despise anything that could comprimise either of you virtue.
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Amen to that.

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Apr 10 2006, 02:37 AM']If I've been scarce for the past few weeks, it's because A LOT has been on my mind.  Particularly, there's this guy that I REALLY like.

- he loves Jesus, the Church and Our Lady
- he really wants to get married and have a BIG family
- he has traditional ideas about marriage + family
- he's an acolyte in the indult Latin Mass
- he loves to cook
- he flirts with me in Latin

And he is also absolutely smitten with me.  In fact, today he asked me to be his girlfriend, which is weird for me because I haven't dated in 3 years, since before my reconciliation with the Catholic Church.  But it's also exciting, since he is such a great guy!

We really want to honor each other in chastity.  However, we can already tell that this is going to be a very difficult thing because we are attracted to each other on many many levels (emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually).

I've never been in a dating relationship as a Catholic before.  What do I need to know?  What is a good way to stay chaste?  This is so new to me and I don't want to mess things up.
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Perhaps you can carry something on your person as a reminder....wear your scapular, have your rosary on you, or wear a medal of St. Maria Goretti or St Joseph...in times of distress hold what you choose.

Don't play with fire. Don't be alone; like in an apartment or secluded at a party. There are many things you can do and not feel overcrowded. Picnics, walks in the park, a day hike on a public trail, a holy hour together, a dinner and movie with another couple, the zoo during off-hours [like during the week] etc.... If he ever steers you to be alone, go the other way. If he understands and respects you for it; good. If he tries to pressure you, kick him to the curb. You're worth too much for that kind of treatment.

Last, make a list and hang it where you will see it every day. List what it is you want for YOU. Why chastity is important for YOU. It can be scripture, quotes from saints, the Catechism, your thoughts; whatever pleases you. Look at it before every date with him and keep a copy in your pocket.

Hope this is of some small help.

Mary-Kathryn [aka the mother-hen]

[Proud2BCatholic139]

Keep doing what you are doing and don't let Jesus slip from the center of your relationship. Yes, it is easier said than done, but temptation can and will arise. St. Maria Goretti, pray for us!!!

[HisChild]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Apr 10 2006, 09:39 AM']Let me guess...you're one of those dads who, when one of your daughters brings home a guy to meet the family for the first time, you "just happen" to be cleaning your firearms   
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[avemaria40]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Apr 10 2006, 11:39 AM']Let me guess...you're one of those dads who, when one of your daughters brings home a guy to meet the family for the first time, you "just happen" to be cleaning your firearms   
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My dad is the same way, lol

[Charms717RM1]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Apr 10 2006, 10:39 AM']Let me guess...you're one of those dads who, when one of your daughters brings home a guy to meet the family for the first time, you "just happen" to be cleaning your firearms   
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Lol, that happened to me once- but it didn't get to me because I've been around guns my whole life- so I offered to help him out. My relationship with his daughter is long over, but i still have an open invitation to go deer hunting with him at his brother's place. .

[ironmonk]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Apr 10 2006, 03:37 AM']If I've been scarce for the past few weeks, it's because A LOT has been on my mind.  Particularly, there's this guy that I REALLY like.

- he loves Jesus, the Church and Our Lady
- he really wants to get married and have a BIG family
- he has traditional ideas about marriage + family
- he's an acolyte in the indult Latin Mass
- he loves to cook
- he flirts with me in Latin

And he is also absolutely smitten with me.  In fact, today he asked me to be his girlfriend, which is weird for me because I haven't dated in 3 years, since before my reconciliation with the Catholic Church.  But it's also exciting, since he is such a great guy!

We really want to honor each other in chastity.  However, we can already tell that this is going to be a very difficult thing because we are attracted to each other on many many levels (emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually).

I've never been in a dating relationship as a Catholic before.  What do I need to know?  What is a good way to stay chaste?  This is so new to me and I don't want to mess things up.
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[/quote]

Most of all pray to God daily with humility for Him to grant you Holy Purity.

[b]Random tips:[/b]

If he tries anything, you should know everything was an act. You would be shocked at what some guys will say or do to get your gaurd down.

One of the biggest things is do not allow yourselves to be alone where something can happen.

Dress modestly, and he should do likewise.

Sex before marriage will either prolong a bad relationship or end a good one.

Nothing good can come out of sex before marriage. Some make the mistake of thinking that since they already messed up that it doesn't matter anymore... this is a very grave error in thinking. Even when engaged, sex before marriage invites infidelity.

Anyone that can be "had" before marriage, can be "had" by others afterward. There are of course exceptions to this rule, but it is generally true because it has to do with our very moral fiber. It is easier to remain faithful in marriage if we remain faithful to God when we are single.

To really love someone is to want what is best for them... if he wants to have sex, then he doesn't really love you because that is not what is best for you, and vice versa.

Don't date exclusive.

Articles that may help you:
Chastity
[url="http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0012.html"]http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/...ion/re0012.html[/url]

Chastity and Modesty
[url="http://www.catholicculture.org/docs/doc_view.cfm?recnum=1087"]http://www.catholicculture.org/docs/doc_view.cfm?recnum=1087[/url]

CHASTITY AND THE SPIRITUAL LIFE: SOME STRATEGIES
[url="http://www.rosary-center.org/ll47n6.htm"]http://www.rosary-center.org/ll47n6.htm[/url]

Clean Love in Dating and Courtship
[url="http://www.tldm.org/news6/DatingCourtshipLoveMarriageSex.htm"]http://www.tldm.org/news6/DatingCourtshipLoveMarriageSex.htm[/url]

DATING WITH A PURPOSE: TO AVOID 'TWISTED LOVE
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEPUR.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEPUR.TXT[/url]

Does Dating Have to Be Exclusive?
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEEXCL.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEEXCL.TXT[/url]

INSIGHTS ON THE ISSUES OF DATING AND COURTSHIP
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/INSIGHTS.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/INSIGHTS.TXT[/url]

Straight Answers:Sex before marriage by Fr William Saunders
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/SEXWRONG.htm"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/SEXWRONG.htm[/url]

The Sex Trap: Why Women Should Never Say Yes Before Marriage
[url="http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0014.html"]http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/...ity/se0014.html[/url]

WHY SHOULD A WOMAN ABSTAIN FROM SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE?
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/NOMARRY.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/NOMARRY.TXT[/url]



Holy Purity: The Way by St. Escriva

[url="http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way/contents/4"]http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way/contents/4[/url]

One of my favorites:
143 To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thorn bush, Saint Bernard plunged into an icy pond... You..., what have you done?



God Bless and I hope the above helps,
ironmonk

[Colleen]

Congratulations, photo! He sounds like a wonderful guy, and it seems like you're off to a wonderful start.

I like what others have said, especially about dressing modestly and avoiding occasions of sin. Communication is really important. It's good to discuss boundaries and personal weaknesses. I think it's really important to always be concerned about the other's chastity, keeping in mind that guys and girls are different, and what might be harmless for you might not be good for your boyfriend. My boyfriend and I really try not to focus so much on the physical aspect of our relationship -- meaning that we really think that there should always be a balance in our relationship. You don't want to spend all your time focused on expressing affection in a physical way and forgo getting to know your sweetheart's personality and soul. It might be a cool idea to make sacrifices for each other, too.

Anyways, those are a lot of random thoughts, but maybe they'll be helpful.

[quote]Don't date exclusive.[/quote]
I disagree, but maybe that's a discussion for a whole 'nother thread.

I am very happy for you, photo.

[YMNolan]

talk talk talk... and more talk.

open conversation about the faith and your desires to remain chaste and conform to the Lord's will is so important.

so many couples know what they're doing is wrong but they keep it to themselves... don't do that.

And praying always helps, the Holy Spirit will guide your relationship if you lt Him!

[Luthien]

[quote name='YMNolan' date='Apr 10 2006, 06:00 PM']so many couples know what they're doing is wrong but they keep it to themselves... don't do that
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Been there done that, hated it.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Apr 10 2006, 12:36 PM']Make him some homemade pierogi spiked with saltpeter.
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[/quote]
actually he met my family for the first time yesterday because yesterday was Pierogi Day at my house and we made them from scratch

[quote name='Mary-Kathryn' date='Apr 10 2006, 01:24 PM']Perhaps you can carry something on your person as a reminder....wear your scapular, have your rosary on you,  or wear a medal of St. Maria Goretti or St Joseph...in times of distress hold what you choose.
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[/quote]
that is really good advice! We both decided that we won't kiss before marriage... but even though we've only been in a relationship for a very short time, we both have an intense desire for one another. He always wears a crucifix and whenever I am tempted to kiss him, I kiss his crucifix.

[quote name='ironmonk' date='Apr 10 2006, 08:38 PM']Most of all pray to God daily with humility for Him to grant you Holy Purity.

[b]Random tips:[/b]

If he tries anything, you should know everything was an act. You would be shocked at what some guys will say or do to get your gaurd down.

One of the biggest things is do not allow yourselves to be alone where something can happen.

Dress modestly, and he should do likewise.

Sex before marriage will either prolong a bad relationship or end a good one.

Nothing good can come out of sex before marriage. Some make the mistake of thinking that since they already messed up that it doesn't matter anymore... this is a very grave error in thinking. Even when engaged, sex before marriage invites infidelity.

Anyone that can be "had" before marriage, can be "had" by others afterward. There are of course exceptions to this rule, but it is generally true because it has to do with our very moral fiber. It is easier to remain faithful in marriage if we remain faithful to God when we are single.

To really love someone is to want what is best for them... if he wants to have sex, then he doesn't really love you because that is not what is best for you, and vice versa.

Don't date exclusive.

Articles that may help you:
Chastity
[url="http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0012.html"]http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/...ion/re0012.html[/url]

Chastity and Modesty
[url="http://www.catholicculture.org/docs/doc_view.cfm?recnum=1087"]http://www.catholicculture.org/docs/doc_view.cfm?recnum=1087[/url]

CHASTITY AND THE SPIRITUAL LIFE: SOME STRATEGIES
[url="http://www.rosary-center.org/ll47n6.htm"]http://www.rosary-center.org/ll47n6.htm[/url]

Clean Love in Dating and Courtship
[url="http://www.tldm.org/news6/DatingCourtshipLoveMarriageSex.htm"]http://www.tldm.org/news6/DatingCourtshipLoveMarriageSex.htm[/url]

DATING WITH A PURPOSE: TO AVOID 'TWISTED LOVE
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEPUR.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEPUR.TXT[/url]

Does Dating Have to Be Exclusive?
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEEXCL.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/DATEEXCL.TXT[/url]

INSIGHTS ON THE ISSUES OF DATING AND COURTSHIP
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/INSIGHTS.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/INSIGHTS.TXT[/url]

Straight Answers:Sex before marriage by Fr William Saunders
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/SEXWRONG.htm"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/SEXWRONG.htm[/url]

The Sex Trap: Why Women Should Never Say Yes Before Marriage   
[url="http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0014.html"]http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/...ity/se0014.html[/url]

WHY SHOULD A WOMAN ABSTAIN FROM SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE?
[url="http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/NOMARRY.TXT"]http://www.ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/NOMARRY.TXT[/url]
Holy Purity: The Way by St. Escriva

[url="http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way/contents/4"]http://www.escrivaworks.org/book/the_way/contents/4[/url]

One of my favorites:
143  To defend his purity, Saint Francis of Assisi rolled in the snow, Saint Benedict threw himself into a thorn bush, Saint Bernard plunged into an icy pond... You..., what have you done?

God Bless and I hope the above helps,
ironmonk
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[/quote]
that is really awesome advice... thanks for all the web links.

while I don't necessarily agree about the not dating exclusive thing, I can see why mary beth bonacci would want to argue for such a thing. Dating shouldn't be about sexual activity, it should be about discerning the call to marriage. So it makes sense to date multiple people at the same time, because you're just getting to know them.

At the same time, eventually you decide that you like someone a LOT and you want to get to know them more seriously than others, and that's OK. Like, I learned a lot about discernment by discerning religious life, and I discerned with several orders. I spent time with Franciscans, Daughters of St. Paul, Dominicans, Salesians, etc. It was a good experience, getting to know their different spiritualities + ways of life. But further along in the discernment process, a discerning woman narrows down her list and focuses on finding that one order that God is calling her to. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman discerning married life to focus on one man that she's attracted to more than other people she's dated, at least when her focus is discerning whether or not they are called to marry.

[ironmonk]

I totally agree... but early on is what I'm talking about...

I'm glad that I could be of help

God Bless,
ironmonk

[stbernardLT]

First off the best thing we could do with our lips is talk. In fact maybe hold off on the whole lip lock thing. Me and my wife didn't kiss till we were engaged (1yr & 6 months after we started courting)

Avoid to much alone time. In fact spend alone time in the church or adoration chapel and focus on God's will in your relationship.

Go to confession regularly together so you are both in a state of grace at the same time. This will make both of you less likely to lead each other astray.

When volunteering or doing ministry, separate yourselves to focus more on what the work of the Lord is than each other.

PRAY TOGETHER OFTEN

Do active things together that won't bring about a lustful situation. Me and my wife use to play A LOT of tennis.

And above everything else put their needs before your own, be as unselfish as possible. Use the example of Christ as a Sacrificial Love to guide your relationship.

Words of wisdom:
Don't look at your relationship as falling in love because, if it doesn't work out it might be hard to get up. Instead look at it as growing in love that way if it doesn't work out you can look at it as pruning the tree of a relationship in Christ. No one gets left behind because you have both grown in holiness and friendship.

Being best friends in Christ is the most important first step.

[God's Errand Girl]

Here's some serious and simple (yet blunt) advice regarding the physical aspect of your relationship--

DO NOT LIE DOWN WITH EACH OTHER!!

I know it's blunt, but without going into details, the easiest way to explain it is this--lying down next to each other, even in complete innocence, opens this door to temptation that is almost impossible to resist.

I have given this advice to several of my friends that got into serious relationships, and the ones who made some mistakes (physically) have expressed to me that this advice is totally right on and that they wish they would've listened.

I pray blessings over you both as you seek God's will.

Edited April 11, 2006 by God's Errand Girl

[MilesChristi]

Lots of great advice on this thread!