Parents of Religious

[zunshynn]

OLAMdad is the only parent of a religious that I know of on here, so this is kind of directed to him, but I want to hear from anybody that has something to say...

What is it like to have a child enter religious life? Is it a little scary? How did you feel about it when you first found out? I mean, there has to be this temptation to think... "oh my gosh, I'm losing my daughter (or son, or sister, etc)!!!" How do you, as parents, deal with that?

Especially since Sr. Lauren entered a cloister... it seems like it would feel strange to be able to have so little contact with your daughter. I mean they say that families only become closer when someone becomes a contemplative... but it still seems a little wierd.

Sorry if this is intrusive... you can ignore me if it is. I just want to get a better idea about how my family might be feeling... I mean I know everyone's different, but you know what I mean.

Thanks!

[OLAM Dad]

Having a child enter religious life is the most horribly wonderful thing that can happen to a parent. My experience is somewhat limited (I've only had one child enter religious life) and still very recent. To be honest, I'm not sure yet, quite frankly, what to make of it. I know for certain that giving away a child is a very difficult thing to have to do. I've always been very quick to remind people that our children are a gift from God, that they are just on loan to us. I'm ashamed to say that I have to admit that I've learned that saying it is sooooo much easier than living it.

Before I answer your specific questions let me first explain what I meant by 'horribly wonderful'. Just as entering into a cloistered community must be a unique experience, so too is the experience unique for the parents. The best analogy I can give is having a child get married. When a child is married, parents experience both joy and sadness. For me, Sr. Lauren leaving was very much the same only more extreme on both the joy and the sadness sides of the scale.

The grief comes from the separation. It comes from the knowledge that your child, unlike a married child, will most likely never come home again. Ever. The only possible exception is a death in the immediate family. She won't be coming home for holidays or for her siblings' big life events such as first communion or confirmation or graduation.

When you miss her you can't call and chat. You can't email or IM and she can only write once a month. We can visit her twice a year but even then there are restrictions.

As a parent, 'dying to the world' sounds wonderful and peotic until you're struck with the stark reality that you yourself are part of the world. As a parent you have to deal with the grief that those around you are feeling as well. Your spouse grieves and your other children also grieve. Every once in a while one of my younger kids will say out of the blue that they miss Lauren and become sad. We are all part of the world that she is dying to. It's hard.

The good news is that the sadness is only half of the story. I am, after all, one of the 'lucky ones'. I was given a wonderful gift and I am very grateful for it. Children like Sr. Lauren, like many of you, are special and rare. You bring Christ, and therefore joy, to all those around you. That's one of the main reasons you're so hard to give up. The greater the gift is the harder it is to give away. But who did I give Sr. Lauren too? Well that's the best part indeed! I gave her to Christ and as much as it has pained me to do so the suffering is for Him and that is comforting indeed.

I also don't have to fear for her spiritual or physical well being. She is being well taken care of and is in an environment that will allow her to grow in holiness.

Finally, she is very, very happy. She is doing what she feels God wants her to be doing. That is something that makes all parents happy.

I also get to tell people, coworkers and the like, who ask, that my daughter has become a nun. The expressions I get from people are PRICELESS! I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Most of the answers that I have to your questions are specific to me and my situation, I'm not sure how well they can be applied to other parents.

Unfortunately, I've got to run off to Mass now. I'll answer your specific questions later today.

Michael

[OLAM Dad]

[quote name='zunshynn' date='Feb 18 2006, 09:17 PM']What is it like to have a child enter religious life? Is it a little scary? How did you feel about it when you first found out? I mean, there has to be this temptation to think... "oh my gosh, I'm losing my daughter (or son, or sister, etc)!!!" How do you, as parents, deal with that?

Especially since Sr. Lauren entered a cloister... it seems like it would feel strange to be able to have so little contact with your daughter. I mean they say that families only become closer when someone becomes a contemplative... but it still seems a little wierd.
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I brought my laptop with me in the car and since we drive 50 miles to Mass I can answer you now. (don't worry, my darling little bride is driving, not me)

What is it like to have a child enter religious life? Well...awesome! I think I pretty well answered this one in my initial reply.

Is it a little scary? No...It's a lot scary.

How do we parents deal with losing our daughter? Sometimes we don't. Prayer helps a lot, it really does. You also try to stay focused on the gain and not the loss. Our human nature tends to make us focus on what's wrong in our lives. You have to step back and look at the beauty of the whole forest and not focus on the trees which happen to be dying in the forest.

I've also heard that families become closer when someone becomes a contemplative. I think I'm starting to see that happening but it's too early to know for sure. May will be our first visit, we're counting the days.

I think I'm done. Thanks for the therapy session.

Edited February 19, 2006 by OLAM Dad

[OLAM Dad]

OLAM Mom said that she will respond too. She's driving so she'll do it later. You'll be able to get the mom side as well as the dad side.

[magnificat]

OLAMDad,
Thanks for your imput, especially given the fact I'm trying to explain that to my parents right now. My parents keep telling me to think of the family (I only have one younger brother, so our family isn't large) and how I'm hurting them by joining a convent. I'm looking at active/contemplative communities for which the visiting rules are even more lax that for the OLAM, so I don't even have any idea how to explain it to them. Any advice on what I could say to them to help them understand?
Thanks!

(Sorry, I know that's probably confusing to try to read!)

[OLAM Dad]

[quote name='magnificat' date='Feb 19 2006, 05:09 PM']OLAMDad,
Thanks for your imput, especially given the fact I'm trying to explain that to my parents right now.  My parents keep telling me to think of the family (I only have one younger brother, so our family isn't large) and how I'm hurting them by joining a convent.  I'm looking at active/contemplative communities for which the visiting rules are even more lax that for the OLAM, so I don't even have any idea how to explain it to them.  Any advice on what I could say to them to help them understand?
Thanks!

(Sorry, I know that's probably confusing to try to read!)
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Good luck with your folks. Do your parents believe in the efficacy of prayer? If they do then you could try that approach. Regardless, what do they expect you to do if you don't join a convent? Do they have plans for your life? If so, respectfully remind them that as an adult the decision is yours to make and that their nonexceptance of your decision is only going to make things worse. Do you have a spiritual director? If you do, have him/her talk to your folks, it couldn't hurt.

Good luck, you'll be in my prayers.

Edited February 19, 2006 by OLAM Dad

[HisChild]

Are you looking for communities with a more lax visiting rule because of your family? That may wind up working for you, if it's God's will . .. I tried that. . my brothers were really small when I was discerning religious life before, and although I felt called to contemplative life, I decided on, and was accepted to an active contemplative order. I felt that if I did that, I could still come home ever so often, which was about the same as if I was, say, living on the opposite coast from them.

While I felt at home with the Sisters while I was visiting, after I entered, something just wasn't right. And I couldn't put a finger on it. I loved them all, but it wasn't . . right, for lack of a better word.

Now that I'm entering the PCPA, I realized that it was because I was only willing to give Him half of my vocation. I 'm not saying that's what you are doing, but I just wanted to give you food for thought. Our Lord wants all of you. I learned that the hard way! LOL

[magnificat]

[quote name='PCPA2Be' date='Feb 19 2006, 07:12 PM']Are you looking for communities with a more lax visiting rule because of your family?
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Not particularly. I just don't have the interior disposition toward the contemplative/cloister life, as much as I do appreciate and admire it!! Even from the beginning of my discernment, I've always felt drawn to active/contemplative orders and right now, I'm most attracted to the Sisters of Life. Even though their visiting rules (once you're professed) are more lax than say the Martyrs who I'm also drawn to, in the end, that's not the deciding factor.

I only made that comment because I'd think that it'd be slightly easier for my parents to accept the fact that I could actually do home visits once a year.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

[OLAM Dad]

[quote name='PCPA2Be' date='Feb 19 2006, 07:12 PM']Are you looking for communities with a more lax visiting rule because of your family?  That may wind up working for you, if it's God's will . .. I tried that. . my brothers were really small when I was discerning religious life before, and although I felt called to contemplative life, I decided on, and was accepted to an active contemplative order.  I felt that if I did that, I could still come home ever so often, which was about the same as if I was, say, living on the opposite coast from them.

While I felt at home with the Sisters while I was visiting, after I entered, something just wasn't right. And I couldn't put a finger on it.  I loved them all, but it wasn't . . right, for lack of a better word. 

Now that I'm entering the PCPA, I realized that it was because I was only willing to give Him half of my vocation.  I 'm not saying that's what you are doing, but I just wanted to give you food for thought.  Our Lord wants all of you.  I learned that the hard way!  LOL
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Wow, Zunshynn. It sounds to me like PCPA2Be is accusing you of only giving yourself halfway to God. That's not very charitable, IMHO. Seems that just because she did the same that she is expecting the same from you. What an insult!

These PCPAs and their holier than thou attitudes. Sheesh, what a bunch of holy rollers. *


*Legal Disclaimer: All of the above is strictly tongue in cheek. I love all nuns and want to be nuns (PCPA2Be in particular), as well as all the associated wannabes; sisters, consecrated, religious, etc., etc., etc., and whatnot.

Edited February 20, 2006 by OLAM Dad

[HisChild]

[quote name='OLAM Dad' date='Feb 19 2006, 05:24 PM']Wow, Zunshynn.  It sounds to me like PCPA2Be is accusing you of only giving yourself halfway to God.  That's not very charitable, IMHO.  Seems that just because she did the same that she is expecting the same from you.  What an insult!

These PCPAs and their holier than thou attitudes.  Sheesh, what a bunch of holy rollers. *
*Legal Disclaimer:  All of the above is strictly tongue in cheek.  I love all nuns and want to be nuns (PCPA2Be in particular), as well as all the associated wannabes; sisters, consecrated, religious, etc., etc., etc., and whatnot.
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Hey Michael, (sweet Smile)

[jgirl]

[quote name='magnificat' date='Feb 19 2006, 06:19 PM']Not particularly.  I just don't have the interior disposition toward the contemplative/cloister life, as much as I do appreciate and admire it!!  Even from the beginning of my discernment, I've always felt drawn to active/contemplative orders and right now, I'm most attracted to the Sisters of Life.  Even though their visiting rules (once you're professed) are more lax than say the Martyrs who I'm also drawn to, in the end, that's not the deciding factor. 

I only made that comment because I'd think that it'd be slightly easier for my parents to accept the fact that I could actually do home visits once a year.

Sorry to hijack the thread.
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That's funny because I was always drawn to the Martyrs because the visiting was really lax compared to some (I'd get home visit every year, and my parents could come to the visiting day every 6 weeks since I live 45 minutes from their motherhouse). Then I realized the same thing as PCPA2Be, and I am entering an active-contemplative order that never has home visits unless someone is sick or dying.

OLAMDad, what you posted was beautiful! I will definitely pray for you, but thanks you for being so open.

[zunshynn]

Thank you so much OLAM dad! I can't wait to hear from OLAMmom!

That was so touching! Thank you for being so open about what it is like in real life. Your generosity in spite of your struggle is inspiring.

[AlterDominicus]

[quote name='magnificat' date='Feb 19 2006, 06:19 PM']Not particularly.  I just don't have the interior disposition toward the contemplative/cloister life, as much as I do appreciate and admire it!!  Even from the beginning of my discernment, I've always felt drawn to active/contemplative orders and right now, I'm most attracted to the Sisters of Life.  Even though their visiting rules (once you're professed) are more lax than say the Martyrs who I'm also drawn to, in the end, that's not the deciding factor. 

I only made that comment because I'd think that it'd be slightly easier for my parents to accept the fact that I could actually do home visits once a year.

Sorry to hijack the thread.
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Speaking of contemplative.cloistered life my mom freaked right out! I had been fully aware eariler in my time that God wanted me to join the Dominican Nuns of Our Lady of the Rosary Monastery in Summit, NJ, I kept on reading a pamphlet by my dear Sister Judith Miryam my mom read it, and she just freaked, "I am soooo glad I read this, there is no way how you are joining a cloistered monastery! You wont be able to show your gifts! And you dont get good contact!"

So its off to the SMME for me, just dont tell Summit guys, I'm saving it til the end.

[zunshynn]

Hey OLAMdad... sorry to bug you again, but may I include that post as part of my project for school? I think it'd be another cool perspective to include, if that's alright with you.

Pax Christi,
Jen

[HisChild]

[quote name='jgirl' date='Feb 20 2006, 10:05 AM']That's funny because I was always drawn to the Martyrs because the visiting was really lax compared to some (I'd get home visit every year, and my parents could come to the visiting day every 6 weeks since I live 45 minutes from their motherhouse). Then I realized the same thing as PCPA2Be, and I am entering an active-contemplative order that never has home visits unless someone is sick or dying.

OLAMDad, what you posted was beautiful! I will definitely pray for you, but thanks you for being so open.
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jgirl, where are you entering? Usually active orders have visits to home. Just wondering. . .