Dave Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Ok, guys, I'm gonna fill y'all in on what's been bothering me for so long. As I said earlier, I've already discussed this with some of you, so if you've already heard me talk about it, feel free to ignore this thread. Before I start, I would like to ask that no one laugh at me or belittle my situation or my feelings that are tied in with my situation in any way, shape, or form (dUSt, if you're reading this, that means you too). All righty then ... I have a personal goal, and that goal is to be the athlete that I never was. No, I don't mean I want to go pro. I just want to play sports to compete -- like in adult leagues (I'd start in a rec-type league and work my way up to a more competitive one, but again, I don't mean professional leagues). Basketball and soccer are the ones I've decided on, and at one time I also considered swimming, but I eventually decided against that. Here's some background ... when I was much younger I was a little bit overweight, uncoordinated, and had asthma pretty bad. I was also the last kid picked. Now, regarding that last statement, it seems like if I mention this to a girl, she almost always says, "So was I." And my response to that is, "But you're a girl! Girls aren't supposed to be good at sports!" And they look at me like, "EXCUSE ME???!!!" Ok, I don't really believe that, but I'm really only half-joking when I make that remark. I mean, it's totally different for a guy. So ladies, if you were the last one picked, don't think it'll make me feel better to tell me about it. If anything it'll have me tearing my hair out. If you're a guy and were the last one picked, however, then let's hear about it. But I digress ... Anyway, for the whole of my childhood and early adolescence I had absolutely no interest in sports. How can you be interested in something that you've always been made to feel you're no good in? Then when I got to high school things changed. While I was still asthmatic and uncoordinated, I was no longer overweight. And maybe it was puberty talking, but I began to feel like I should play a sport, as I realized I didn't know any other guys at my school who didn't play any sports. I decided that I should run track as a sprinter. Track didn't seem to involve all this fine coordination, and I figured running short distances wouldn't be so hard on my asthma. So I participated from my sophomore year through my senior year, and I lettered in it and got my letter jacket and stuff. However, while I don't know what the criteria was to get a letter, I feel like they gave it to me out of pity. You see, I wasn't any good. In fact, I never participated in a meet, something that I only recently got up the courage to admit to others. You see, I never thought my times were good enough. At that time in my life, I was shy, terrified of failure, unable to laugh at myself, and intolerant of embarrassment. I just didn't think I could face possibly coming in last, and since I'd been picked on a lot when I was younger, subconsciously I didn't want anyone to have any reason to pick on me again. What I was trying to do was hold out for the best time, but I now know that if you do that the best time will never come. Ever since then I've kicked myself over and over again. Fast forward to my college years ... when I was in college everyone was playing intramural sports. However, for the longest time I was scared to do so, as I just didn't want to look foolish, something that happened a lot in my younger days in regard to sports. Finally, I summoned the courage to play flag football, soccer, basketball, and volleyball. Although I wasn't the best, for once I started hearing teammates telling me things like "Good job!" Unfortunately, overall it was a very negative experience for me. One of my teammates, a close friend named Joel (who, thanks to this, is now an ex-friend), destroyed whatever shred of self-confidence I had. He was uber-competitive and would yell at anyone who he perceived as having screwed up. He did that with everyone, but I bore the brunt of it. So in due time I began to feel like his eyes were always on me, just waiting on me to screw up so he could pounce. And it made me feel truly horrible. I finally confronted Joel and told him how he made me feel and why, sharing with him a lot of what I've already shared with you all. He apologized, but it was obvious he wasn't at all sincere. For years afterward I couldn't attend sporting events, watch sports on TV, read the sports section of the newspaper, watch the sports segment of the news, or even watch sports-related movies without getting all down on myself and angry at Joel all over again. Ever since then I've felt inferior to and resentful of ALL my male friends and acquaintances because of their being better at sports or at least having had a little bit more sports experience. There are no exceptions to this rule -- I even feel this way toward all my male friends and acquaintances on Phatmass even though with most of them I don't know a thing about their sports history! Feeling like everyone is good in a particular area EXCEPT you is truly demoralizing. And I truly can't stand to hear anyone talk about how good they or someone else is at sports -- even if not in a bragging manner -- as it's just a reminder to me that I'm 30 years old and am essentially just getting started in earnest (I consider running track in high school, since I didn't compete, to be a false start -- no pun intended -- although there are those who disagree with me there). I mean, you just don't see guys who start playing sports competitively at my age! So naturally I feel alone. More recently, however, I've discovered they have adult sports leagues out there, and I realized that that is what I need to do to finally be able to compete and also to rise above Joel and what he put me through, not to mention to prove to myself that I can do this. Don't think I'm trying to prove anything to Joel, as I'll probably never see him again, and frankly, I don't want to see him either. It's just that if I don't do this, then I'd just continue feeling bad about myself and comparing myself to others, and that would mean Joel had won. I'll be damned if I let that happen! At the same time, though, I don't want to feel like I missed out, and yet I can't help but fear that adult league sports would just be a poor substitute for what I didn't do in high school. I don't know why I feel that way, especially since most of those I've talked to don't think it would be a poor substitute. And my psychiatrist tells me that if I have that attitude, then no matter what sports accomplishments I have, I'll never be able to enjoy them, as I'll be looking for ways to belittle them. During my retreat at Marytown, however, I was talking to Jesus about this in the adoration chapel. You see, more and more I've begun to truly believe that playing sports, in addition to something I want to do, is something He wants me to do as well. And He seemed to tell me that if playing sports is His will for me, then it can't possibly be a poor substitute -- that nothing that He wills is ever a poor substitute for anything else. However, while I know in my mind that it's the truth, I'm afraid I don't exactly feel it in my heart. That's all I'm gonna say about this for now, and all I ask is that you be careful of what you say. Earlier I asked that you not belittle my feelings or my situation. Statements that are belittling include, but aren't limited to: 1. "Sports don't make you who you are." 2. "We all have different talents." 3. "Remember that you're still a child of God." These statements are belittling because, while true, they're all fluff nevertheless. I mean, try telling someone who's physically unattractive and feels bad about themselves that true beauty is on the inside and that God loves them how they are. While that statement is true, do you honestly think it's going to make them feel any better? Hell no! If anything it'll probably make them feel worse and think that no one understands. In addition, I consider statements like the above statements to be veiled ways of telling me to give up on sports and to accept the (patently false) notion that I'll never be good at them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 How about "sports rule"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 HSmom, what's that supposed to mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I like sports. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 So just so I'm clear, you ONLY want encouragement? We're not allowed to post anything that would indicate sports aren't the best thing possible for you to pursue, other than Jesus and a job? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Extra ecclesiam nulla salus Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Dave, that sounds like a really good idea. God Bless, Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 (edited) [quote name='Sojourner' date='Jan 5 2006, 04:47 PM']So just so I'm clear, you ONLY want encouragement? We're not allowed to post anything that would indicate sports aren't the best thing possible for you to pursue, other than Jesus and a job? [right][snapback]847221[/snapback][/right] [/quote] So you're implying that I'm ignoring Jesus and a job? That's just not true, and it's not your place to tell me what is best for me, as last time I checked, no one on here was God! I asked that no one here belittle my feelings ... I guess I overestimated everyone's ability at least attempt to understand. Thanks a lot. I'll make sure never to tell anybody on here anything again. Edited January 5, 2006 by Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Extra ecclesiam nulla salus Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Can't we all just get along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tink Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 [color=#ff0066]Well personally I feel you have placed yourself in a position to be belittled by starting off with a negative expectation and a very narrow-minded approach. I will pray for you and your decision, but I have a feeling this topic is going to be closed soon... who's got the hammer?[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Era Might Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 (edited) Ok. Forget it. God bless. Edited January 5, 2006 by Era Might Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 [quote name='Era Might' date='Jan 5 2006, 04:55 PM']I played sports my whole life. Sports are great, and pleasing to God. I say go for it. I wish I was 12 again playing basketball all day with no worries in the world. That's the life. [right][snapback]847228[/snapback][/right] [/quote] Thanks a lot ... talking about how much sports experience you have ... way to make me feel worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Extra ecclesiam nulla salus Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 im not great at sports either. I wish i was better, and i am also somewhat insecure about that. Although i think that they can be a lot of fun sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 [quote name='Tink' date='Jan 5 2006, 04:55 PM'][color=#ff0066]Well personally I feel you have placed yourself in a position to be belittled by starting off with a negative expectation and a very narrow-minded approach. I will pray for you and your decision, but I have a feeling this topic is going to be closed soon... who's got the hammer?[/color] [right][snapback]847227[/snapback][/right] [/quote] No, I didn't place myself in any position to be belittled. If I didn't say anything, THEN I'd be placing myself in a position to be belittled. My approach is neither negative nor narrow-minded, as I've experienced enough to know how people act when I talk to them. So I ask that they refrain from belittling so it won't be an occasion of sin for me, as when people belittle me, my typical response is to lash out. However, I've found that asking them to watch what they say usually makes a huge difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rkwright Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 (edited) Hey Dave..sorry I'm kinda new here and you probably don't know me, but maybe something I say will impact you? I can somewhat relate to where you're coming from. Throughout High School and grade school I wasn't the last one picked, but maybe like somewhere in the middle. If I played grade school sports I was always B team material, I was always ok but nothing special. I did swimming in high school, was varisty but not the fastest, I mainly just picked up the distance events no one else wanted to do. But swimming (like track) is a real individual sport so it doesn't really matter what others think. In PE basketball I got the feelings you talked about, a real nervousness of screwing up of people thinking I messed up the team. That kinda stuck with me... I got to college and didn't do much with sports for a while, there was so much other stuff going on. But this last semester I decided to do intramural sports. But I came at it with from a different angle. I just wanted to have fun, run around a little bit with friends. So I started a soccer team, but I started with 2 things in mind. 1- I had never played soccer in my life, other than PE here and there. I entered us in the C league, the 'no experience' one. 2- I got friends (it was coed) that were real friends, and that had a little to none experience.... Bottom line, we had the best time out there, never won a game, but we had fun. Anyways I've kinda been rambling... but heres what I would suggest... Play soccer b\c its cool : no because its something that you can get people together with little to no experience. This keeps the competetiveness down. That competetive drive is what makes you nervous, not wanting to screw up, and takes the fun out of. Also, get your friends, friends of friends out there. People who really know you, who you feel comfortable out there with. Thats probably the biggest thing, is getting a group together that you feel ok around, that you feel on the same level with. If you play with a bunch of 'experts' you'll get that highschool feeling again... But if you play with a team you feel is on your level, you'll play confidently, and actually probably play better. Edited January 5, 2006 by rkwright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeTeamFamily Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 dave i wish you the best of luck in the sport you choose to pursue....just remember that above all it should be fun and make you happy. if it truly does not do that, then it doesnt sound like something that is right for you. so i would pick something that you find fun and interesting and go with that and not try and force yourself to be good at a particular sport because you feel pressured by that. one of my better friends has very little athletic ability, and is asthmatic as well.....sure we rag on him about it, but its all in good fun and he has come to embrace it lol i know you probably dismiss my opinion because i do have athletic ability, but its a bit unclear as to what you were looking for by posting this struggle of yours on here. im not about giving pity, im about trying to find a way for you to be happy. find something you truly enjoy doing, sports or otherwise, and devote yourself to that, i wish you all the best in finding that and ill certainly pray for you peace adam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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