Teatime with Freud

[franciscanheart]

You know people always say that girls fall for guys that remind them (consciously or subconsciously) of their father. In the same respect the story goes that guys fall for girls who remind them (consciously or subconsciously) of their mother. I am curious to know if this has proven true with anyone here.

Some thoughts....
If I am a girl and I marry a man who is like my father, why then would my mother not like him? Would that mean that my father would not necessarily get along with him since we tend to like people who are different than ourselves? After all, we tend to hate most in others what is wrong in ourselves.

If I am a guy and I marry a woman who is like my mother, why then would my father not like her? Would that mean that my mother would not necessarily get along with her since we tend to like people who are different than ourselves? After all, we tend to hate most in others what is wrong in ourselves.

Is the respect and admiration that one feels for a certain type of person conclusive about the type of person they will marry? For instance, I have a strange admiration for Bruce Willis. There is something about his presence that commands my respect and it comforts me. I feel very warm and secure when I watch him. In the same respect I feel very secure and comfortable when I am around my choir director, Michael (whom you will notice I mention on a regular basis). That type of man soothes me and yet my father is nothing like those men. My father is so far from that type of man it's ridiculous. My father and Michael get along wonderfully because they compliment each other so well. Is it odd that I should feel more comforted by Michael's presence than my own fathers? Has anyone else had this experience?

Can we really say that people will fall in love with people who remind them of their source of life? Is it really fair to judge a situation like that? Another question: does this scenario only manifest itself in people who have had healthy relationships (to a degree) with their parents? Or does a strained relationship, in some circumstances, cause a man or woman to long more for a person to fill a certain void? Is the spouse a replacement in the sense that they are presenting on a daily basis an attitude or personality that comforts the individual? Is this unhealthy?

This seems like a very controversial (and confusing) statement.

[Laudate_Dominum]

I think a lot of Freudian observations in this regards have truth to them, but its kind of just common sense. Your parents are the first and most intimate example of male-female love that a kid has growing up. I'd say all the oedipus stuff is a bit more phishy. I don't buy it, and I don't think most Freudians necessarily buy it; at least not fully.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

I don't believe what Freud's theories state all that much.

However, it seems likely that we are attracted to the prototypical men and women we see while we're being raised.

Interestingly, I'm confident that my dad will love my future wife and my mother will like her, although I think she'll be a little slow to like her. Not sure if I image her father, though...but she definitely doesn't image my mother.

[franciscanheart]

i must say that i am not at all surprised that you two were the first to respond. now if anyone else would respond. but just for the record: yall rock. yall are my kinda guys. (responding to this and all)

here's a question... maybe off topic? yeah maybe a little but i'll ask anyway. is it generally so that a girl befriends people whom she could never see herself with? i am not saying that it would be odd that one should befriend even those whom she could not see herself marrying - it just seems odd that i tend to socialize with people whom i could never see marrying and generally find them to be better comany. that was a really horrible off topic question/remark.

back to the previous conversation...

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='hugheyforlife' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:04 PM']i must say that i am not at all surprised that you two were the first to respond. now if anyone else would respond. but just for the record: yall rock. yall are my kinda guys. (responding to this and all)

here's a question... maybe off topic? yeah maybe a little but i'll ask anyway. is it generally so that a girl befriends people whom she could never see herself with? i am not saying that it would be odd that one should befriend even those whom she could not see herself marrying - it just seems odd that i tend to socialize with people whom i could never see marrying and generally find them to be better comany. that was a really horrible off topic question/remark.

back to the previous conversation...
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I don't know...that's something that a girl would know better. I tend to make friends with girls I think are sweet and fun...which happen to be the same type I'm attracted to, so it seems to the be the opposite for me.

Interesting...if girls do in fact look for friends they don't think they'd ever marry, then there are a lot of friends I've had crushes on in past years who would never have considered it...

Oh well, I'm content now.

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='hugheyforlife' date='Jan 5 2006, 02:04 PM']i must say that i am not at all surprised that you two were the first to respond. now if anyone else would respond. but just for the record: yall rock. yall are my kinda guys. (responding to this and all)

here's a question... maybe off topic? yeah maybe a little but i'll ask anyway. is it generally so that a girl befriends people whom she could never see herself with? i am not saying that it would be odd that one should befriend even those whom she could not see herself marrying - it just seems odd that i tend to socialize with people whom i could never see marrying and generally find them to be better comany. that was a really horrible off topic question/remark.

back to the previous conversation...
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The reasons why people are attracted to certain people and not others are quite complex, but in general I'd say if someone is attracted to people that they normally would not want to be friends with they may not have healthy desires. The typical example would be bad-boy syndrome for women. A woman might be friends with lots of great guys that she gets a long with and who are good to her and good for her, but she doesn't "feel" attracted to them for mysterious reasons, this same person might be attracted to "bad boys" who she can't really have a deep or healthy friendship with, or with men who are simply bad for her in one way or another (maybe a pattern of being attracted to guys who never commit, who betray her, etc.). Typically these relationship patterns indicate unresolved issues with men in the past, in many cases the father or some father figure, or any number of other possible issues.. I can't stand pop-psychologizing so I'll lay off, but its an interesting subject for personal reflection.

[Akalyte]

Most societies have been manufactured on Freud.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Laudate_Dominum' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:12 PM']The reasons why people are attracted to certain people and not others are quite complex, but in general I'd say if someone is attracted to people that they normally would not want to be friends with they may not have healthy desires. The typical example would be bad-boy syndrome for women. A woman might be friends with lots of great guys that she gets a long with and who are good to her and good for her, but she doesn't "feel" attracted to them for mysterious reasons, this same person might be attracted to "bad boys" who she can't really have a deep or healthy friendship with, or with men who are simply bad for her in one way or another (maybe a pattern of being attracted to guys who never commit, who betray her, etc.). Typically these relationship patterns indicate unresolved issues with men in the past, in many cases the father or some father figure, or any number of other possible issues.. I can't stand pop-psychologizing so I'll lay off, but its an interesting subject for personal reflection.
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Very true.

I would venture a guess that women of this type see men who are "bad boys" and think that's what a man is supposed to be like, based on their past examples of men. Makes me wonder, then, if women of that type see the nice guys almost as girlfriends, since they don't seem to fit their "man schema"...

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='Laudate_Dominum' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:12 PM']The reasons why people are attracted to certain people and not others are quite complex, but in general I'd say if someone is attracted to people that they normally would not want to be friends with they may not have healthy desires. The typical example would be bad-boy syndrome for women. A woman might be friends with lots of great guys that she gets a long with and who are good to her and good for her, but she doesn't "feel" attracted to them for mysterious reasons, this same person might be attracted to "bad boys" who she can't really have a deep or healthy friendship with, or with men who are simply bad for her in one way or another (maybe a pattern of being attracted to guys who never commit, who betray her, etc.). Typically these relationship patterns indicate unresolved issues with men in the past, in many cases the father or some father figure, or any number of other possible issues.. I can't stand pop-psychologizing so I'll lay off, but its an interesting subject for personal reflection.
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im going to be honest.. you're scaring me.

heres something not a lot of people know: if i had to choose one family from any movie or tv show that i would most like to be a part of (in the mother/wife role), it would be lynette and her family on desperate housewives. maybe thats a bad sign though. hahaha. okay... back to the original post.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Akalyte' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:15 PM']Most societies have been manufactured on Freud. 
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As I said, Freud is generally regarded as full of carp.

However, this theory seems to hold up to scrutiny, at least in a basic sense.

I think it's more of a common sense observation than an actual theory. Freud doesn't deserve the credit, but he usually gets it.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:16 PM']Very true.

I would venture a guess that women of this type see men who are "bad boys" and think that's what a man is supposed to be like, based on their past examples of men.  Makes me wonder, then, if women of that type see the nice guys almost as girlfriends, since they don't seem to fit their "man schema"...
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would the attraction to "bad boys" be the same as attraction to men they could never have? and would an attraction to either of these be similar to subconsciously destroying a relationship or consciously stirring up trouble in order to feel adequate? could those two behaviors be associated with the same past history or existing mental health?

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Jan 5 2006, 02:16 PM']Very true.

I would venture a guess that women of this type see men who are "bad boys" and think that's what a man is supposed to be like, based on their past examples of men.  Makes me wonder, then, if women of that type see the nice guys almost as girlfriends, since they don't seem to fit their "man schema"...
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Yeah.. interesting.. and certainly the reasons can be many. For example, it seems plausible that a woman who had an over-bearing or verbally abusive father might have a pattern of abusive relationships with "bad boys" as a kind of transference. Or maybe some women go for guys that they think they can fix as a way of resolving something subconsciously.. There must be a study of the matter some place.. That'd be interesting.. I wanna see one for guys too. I've met guys who seem to like being whipped, or who go for ladies who are emotionally abusive and manipulative.. It'd be interesting..

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='hugheyforlife' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:18 PM']would the attraction to "bad boys" be the same as attraction to men they could never have? and would an attraction to either of these be similar to subconsciously destroying a relationship or consciously stirring up trouble in order to feel adequate? could those two behaviors be associated with the same past history or existing mental health?
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Hmmm...I don't know. A lot of women choose bad boys and do "have them"...and get into abusive relationships. Likewise, many guys see that and think that that's what women look for, which perpetuates the whole bad boy thing.

I figured that the boys you "could't have" were the ones who were too good.

I'm certain that if I didn't have the initial distance provided by the internet, I never would've gone for Jen...I would have considered her way out of my league if we'd have met at FUS. I figured that's what was meant by guys you just couldn't have.

[franciscanheart]

[quote name='Laudate_Dominum' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:22 PM']Yeah.. interesting.. and certainly the reasons can be many. For example, it seems plausible that a woman who had an over-bearing or verbally abusive father might have a pattern of abusive relationships with "bad boys" as a kind of transference. Or maybe some women go for guys that they think they can fix as a way of resolving something subconsciously.. There must be a study of the matter some place.. That'd be interesting.. I wanna see one for guys too. I've met guys who seem to like being whipped, or who go for ladies who are emotionally abusive and manipulative.. It'd be interesting..
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if only there were a way to change such systems of behavior. it is emotionally and often physically draining on the person who puts themself through that kind of relationship. but still the torment is comforting which is twisted but true.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Laudate_Dominum' date='Jan 5 2006, 03:22 PM']I've met guys who seem to like being whipped, or who go for ladies who are emotionally abusive and manipulative.. It'd be interesting..
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I was one of those in high school. My girlfriend was not very nice and was very manipulative.

Luckily, I had some good conversion experiences that gave me the confidence to look for the kind of girl I really wanted and not feel like I had to settle for one who would be hurtful to me.