a couples question

[Proud2BCatholic139]

Personally, I think that is too old. I know my mom would kill me. But, whatever.

[Sojourner]

One of my closest friends, 31, is seriously dating a guy who's 38. In the past, she's dated guys who were older than that, like in their mid-40s, and I can definitely understand the attraction. It's not about looking for a father-figure, it's about looking for someone who's mature and stable, someone who's prepared the weather the tests of a long-term relationship. Life experience can be a very attractive quality.

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Socrates' date='Dec 20 2005, 08:13 PM']If the man has truly established himself professionally, and is doing well financially, his wife wouldn't necessarily have to work full-time (though this depends on the individual financial situation).
What the woman's professional work experience has to do with anything here is rather beyond me.  And in fact, the more established he is professionally and financially, the better he can afford a wife who doesn't work.
(And I think the modern world considers career and money too all-important in these kinds of things.)
And 22 year old women may be young, but they are hardly children.
Women are generally at the peak of their physical attractiveness somewhere between 18 and 25.
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Women peak in their attractiveness between 18 and 25? Ha! Again this 42 year old woman says again HA! When I had just given birth to one of my sons 12 years ago, my husband said I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. When I was shuffling around in sweats, no make-up and big fuzzy slippers, on Christmas morning; my husband told me I was beautiful. So the 18 to 25 year old may be physically attractive but beauty comes with age. :

All my questions that I posted before are very valid. As a mom, I would demand some answers. How old was she when they started dating? Why is he attracted to such a young woman? Has he ever dated women his age? If no, why not? These are really necessary questions that must and should be answered.


Her life experience is very important in this relationship. It is ill-advised to be in this kind of relationship and rush it, because HE has all the work experience, HE has all the life experiences, HE has seen and done many more things than her by virture of HIS age. If she wants to come into a committed relationship for life, she should be given the opportunity to experience work and life as an adult, without a much older man keeping tabs on her and having the say-so with what she does and doesn't do. She doesn't need another Daddy. She has to learn to be with herself, and know who she is first, before she can give herself to anyone in marriage. In other words, she needs the time to learn about who she is because HE already knows who he is.

As I said before, a discussion with a good and holy priest and a long engagement [no less than 2-3 years] would be my advice.

Edited December 21, 2005 by Mary-Kathryn

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='JeffCR07' date='Dec 20 2005, 10:04 PM']oh please, you're gorgeous  :
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Isn't she?

[Luthien]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Dec 20 2005, 09:42 PM']When you consider the moral situation of the world today, if the male is an upright Catholic and simply hasn't found an upright Catholic girl in his own age group but has found one in your daughter's, you should be on your knees praising God that a good Catholic male finally got his prayers answered.....

Besides, if he wants a larger family, a 22-year old more than likely will bear him more children than someone who is also 35.
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[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='Dec 21 2005, 07:07 AM']   

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she said "generally".. there are exceptions. :

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='Luthien' date='Dec 21 2005, 08:18 AM']
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gosh, I wish you knew how much you rock my socks.

[Theoketos]

To the original question...

It sounds like a healthy holy relationship...

[Jaime]

[quote]the really disordered thing is, if I'm 22 and I date a 42 year old man, you'd better believe she'd have a heart attack.[/quote]

He probably would as well!!

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Norseman82' date='Dec 20 2005, 10:42 PM']When you consider the moral situation of the world today, if the male is an upright Catholic and simply hasn't found an upright Catholic girl in his own age group but has found one in your daughter's, you should be on your knees praising God that a good Catholic male finally got his prayers answered. Besides, if he wants a larger family, a 22-year old more than likely will bear him more children than someone who is also 35.


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If I may take your post and offer my view to your statements:

[b]When you consider the moral situation of the world today,] if the male is an upright Catholic and simply hasn't found an upright Catholic girl in his own age group but has found one in your daughter's[/b]

Again, my questions as a mother would be very valid. What attracts him to someone so young? Has he ever dated in his age range? If no why not? I would also be inclined to encourage my daughter to ask questions about his past relationships... and not just his point of view. Why did the relationships fail is an important question?

[b]you should be on your knees praising God that a good Catholic male finally got his prayers answered.[/b]

I would hope and pray that I would raise my daughter NOT to have the perception that she is worth so little she should be grateful every time a man [Catholic or not} pays attention to her. I would care very little about what a 35 year old man wants and prays for. My sole love and concern would be with my daughter.

[b]Besides, if he wants a larger family, a 22-year old more than likely will bear him more children than someone who is also 35.[/b]

The Church gives a right and proper view of the dignity of womanhood and the vocation of marriage. Women are not brood mares here for the pleasure of any man who holds out a ring. What God gives to a couple [concerning the number of children] is what He Wills. There are many couples of all ages unable to have children, some who are given only 2 or 3 children and some that are given the gift of many children. Being young is no guarantee to a large family.

I personally look to The Holy Family as my model to strive after. The Blessed Virgin was a walking prayer of her resounding "Yes.", as well as faithful, strong and trusting--even when suffering at the foot of the cross. Certainly not anyone's doormat! Joseph was enduring and heroic, silent because he did not need flamboyance, faithful and holy in simplicity..he is my dear friend. Jesus....my words are inadequate to discribe Love.

Have a holy Christmas!

Edited December 21, 2005 by Mary-Kathryn

[TheoGrad07]

[quote name='qfnol31' date='Dec 20 2005, 09:25 PM']This just proves my point.

The guy must be older. 
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Hmmmm .... .... I think I sense contradiction coming from you!

But I agree -- having dated younger men, I think the guy deffinitely should be older. However, if the guy's in the same year of "life-experience," so to speak -- same year in college, post-college, I'd consider it. It depends on his maturity, character, compatibility with the girl, and all that.

Frankly, guys much older don't appeal to me -- it seems strange, and I wonder if perhaps they are immature or have unrealistic expectations for their girlfriend/wife. And the older guys I've known seem to prove this.

I'm not sure how this would help someone already dating and considering marrying an older man (or much-younger woman), but I'd advise that young people have very clear ideas of what they need/want in a future spouse. And I'm not talking about superficial things, but character and values -- intelligence, commitment (not just to the relationship), strength of will and character, etc.

[tojo]

At my old church, there were two couples that consisted of roughly 22 year old women marrying roughly 35 year old men. They are all good Protestants, and both seem to be happily married couples, they now both have children too, and seem to be doing a good job with them.

[photosynthesis]

if women are at their peak at 18-25, then I guess I"m at my peak now... goodness gracious, i guess this is as good as it gets. it's all downhill from here

[Deeds]

I am 21 and my boyfriend is 28. It's not at all a case of being attracted to a father figure - most of the time I don't notice the age difference at all. I think I'm the more mature one. : Maybe it helps that we're both at the same life stage - he worked for 6 years before going to university. Sometimes I stop and think about it and it feels weird, the thought that he'll be turning 40 when I'm still in my early 30s, that kind of thing, but that's not really very important.

My mum is over a year older than my dad and I had a great aunt who was married for over 50 years to a man 7 years younger than her so : to whoever said the man should be older.

Oh but I do think Mary-Kathryn made some [b]very[/b] good points...

Edited December 21, 2005 by Deeds

[Laudate_Dominum]

[quote name='Deeds' date='Dec 21 2005, 11:31 AM']Oh but I do think Mary-Kathryn made some [b]very[/b] good points...
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I don't.
The only meaningful points that I got out of all that was that if someone isn't ready for marriage they shouldn't marry. Or if a relationship is unhealthy (as in the case of domineering or stifling) it probably shouldn't be pursued.
These were generally the underlying assumptions of the statements made, and these are largely extrinsic to the question of age. Such matters are ultimately to be judged and discerned on the level of the particular, and sweeping generalizations in this regard are just a bit unfair and possibly offensive.
But I suppose I have a unique experience in that most of my friends are married couples, and they all married quite young by general standards. I think the idea of a person leaving father and mother to cleave to their spouse is something very beautiful and perhaps ideal. My sister was 17 when she married and I had the privilege of watching her flourish. She has such a beautiful family. I just resist the pervasive cultural cynicism with regard to wedlock. A shared vision, good intentions, proper discernment and of course shared values are far more essential and important to me then superficial and cynical generalizations which are utterly foreign to my experience.

If I had a daughter who was a young woman, I would prefer the 35 year old Catholic gentleman to the 19 year old Abercrombie and Fitch guy.
There are plenty of generalizations and superficial stereotypes that can be thrown in the direction of the younger guys. Either way, the important questions as I see them aren't essentially about age, they're about character, values, intention, compatibility, etc..